


Knock Four Times

by folerdetdufoler



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Neighbors, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-24 11:07:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 92,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10740465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/folerdetdufoler/pseuds/folerdetdufoler
Summary: Isak is a senior in college, studying at a university in America. He lives in an apartment on campus with three other guys and works part-time in the student center to help with his tuition. As much as he’s enjoyed the whole college experience, he’s ready to graduate and head back to Oslo, to his city, his family, and his boyfriend.But then, during the first week of his last semester, he steps off the elevator onto his floor and sees a guy sitting in the empty hallway. Isak walks over to see if he needs help with something, and finds out three very important things: his name is Even, he just moved into the building but already got locked out, and he is fucking gorgeous.





	1. Homesick

**Author's Note:**

> I really appreciated all of the support and encouragement I received while writing _Scene Three, Take Two_ (your comments, messages, and kudos made me smile every fucking day), so I'm diving back into another Isak/Even story. I put Isak in college in America since I'm not familiar with Norwegian university life, which means Even is an American, and Isak's hot new neighbor. We're going to take it slow though, and go all the way to graduation.
> 
> As usual, chapters are short and I'm a slow writer.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Isak wanted to go home. It was rare to get hit with a bout of homesickness, especially after three years in America, but here he was, staring at his textbook, thinking about Oslo. The words in front of him weren’t really words anymore, just a white and black background to the memories flashing across his mind. He missed his friends, he missed how easy it was to talk to them. He missed their bad jokes and shitty beer. He missed the city and the nights when he felt like he owned it. He missed his boyfriend.

He should’ve asked Alex to come visit. All three of his roommates had gone home over winter break, so Isak was alone in the apartment for four weeks. This meant he talked to Alex for hours on speaker and walked around in his underwear and left dishes in the sink until he ran out of clean spoons but…it also could’ve meant fucking his boyfriend. And long walks around the quiet campus. And a New Year’s party on Frat Row. And fucking his boyfriend.

And now he had a boner in the library, a nostalgic boner. Isak looked around nervously but was relieved to find he was still alone. He refocused on the chapter he was supposed to be studying. He was only a week into his last semester but he couldn’t slack off now, not after his GPA took a hit from the organic chemistry labs. Distractions weren’t allowed.

The goal was to graduate strong, with only a little less debt than he predicted, and some semblance of a plan for his future back in Norway. Of course he couldn’t achieve any of that if he didn’t stop reading the same paragraph over and over. Maybe it was the quiet that was throwing him off, letting his mind wander. He looked up again, at the two other empty tables that filled this corner of the library, baking in the afternoon sun streaming through the windows. The stacks were quiet, not even the squeak of a stool or the crack of an old book spine. Isak should be treasuring this time when his favorite spot was free of competition, but maybe it was too free. He wasn’t feeling the pressure.

Isak slapped his textbook shut and shoved it into his backpack. He could try focusing again back at the apartment. Or, to be honest with himself, play a game of FIFA. He cued up some music for the walk, gave a lazy salute to the bored kid at the reference desk, and headed out.

* * *

Isak had gotten lucky with the apartment. After three years in various dorms with random pairings for roommates, he teamed up with some of his actual friends and snagged a coveted spot in a tower on campus. Isak shared a room with Justin, a landscape architecture major, whom he had met freshman year in Calculus. Mike and Phillip were in the other room, and it was Phillip’s Playstation that got the most action between classes. Phillip made sure to remind them all of his contribution to the apartment whenever it was time to clean the bathroom.

It was a good crew to hang with for his last semester in America. They all had a good balance of studying and partying, keeping quiet during the week and connecting with the right people for the fun yet under-the-radar spots on the weekends. Half the time they ended up just on another floor of the tower, which made it almost too easy. In a pinch they could ride the elevator and listen for the loudest door.

Isak swiped his ID to get into the building and jogged across the lobby to catch an elevator. A black-haired girl held the door for him, and he returned the favor when she got off on the 6th floor. He rode the rest of the way up to the 12th floor, stepping off into a quiet hallway.

Most of the students had moved back into their apartments by now, adjusting to the rhythm of their class schedules. The rolling suitcases, plastic tubs, and lost parents were gone, and the only sound was Isak’s keys bumping against his hip. He turned the corner.

A boy was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall across from his door. His legs were so long that he completely blocked the hallway. Isak slowed, unsure if this stranger was waiting for him and should be approached, or ignored like anyone else on the street. The boy looked up when he noticed Isak, offering a small smile that quickly turned into a commiserating grimace. Isak acknowledged with a nod in return, unclipping his keys as he got closer to his door.

“Do you live here?” The boy’s voice was deep, a rumble that seemed to echo in the emptiness of the hallway. He was pointing at Isak’s door, #1218.

“Um, yes. Do you?” Isak unlocked his door then twisted back around to look at the boy. Occasionally someone would sneak into the building and wait outside a friend’s apartment, and he hoped this was the case. The boy didn’t _look_ like a crazy stalker lying in wait, but some of the stuff he’d been watching on the American news wasn’t leaving him with much confidence. The boy smiled at Isak’s skepticism, probably picking up on his nervousness in the way he was gripping the doorknob.

“Yeah, yeah. I just moved in to 1221, but I got locked out. I keep forgetting these doors automatically lock.”

Isak looked back over his shoulder at #1221. He knew the four guys who lived in that apartment and partied with them a few times, but didn’t remember the one sitting at his feet. Maybe there was a roommate trade for the new semester.

“Oh hey, do you have an iPhone charger?” The boy scrambled to his feet and Isak nearly snapped his neck as his eyes followed him up to his full height. “I’ve been trying to text my roommates but no one is answering and my phone is almost dead.”

In a split second Isak decided that this wasn’t a serial killer, and he wasn’t sure what convinced him first: the clear blue eyes, innocent and wide, or the soft blond hair combed back in waves, or the way he threw back his shoulders in a small stretch. He was just a college student with a little bad luck. He relaxed. “Sure, come inside.” Isak opened the door and felt the boy push on it behind him. He dropped his bag by the kitchen counter and pointed to the charger in the wall next to the fridge. “Plug in over there.”

“You’re a lifesaver.”

Isak hopped up onto one of the counter stools and watched the boy as he hunched over his phone and fired off a few more texts. His shirt was wrinkled up the back from where he had been leaning against the wall. The boy looked up, tossing his phone onto the counter.

“You know what’s weird? Our apartments look exactly the same except…flipped.” Isak looked around. They hadn’t decorated much in the shared spaces. Phillip managed to hang an Arsenal flag on the wall above the couch, but that was the only color in the otherwise beige room. Almost every other apartment he’d been in had the same layout but much more personality, especially the girls’.

“Yeah, it can fuck with your head when you’re really drunk. I was at someone else’s one night and had to pee, but every time I opened the bathroom door it was actually a bedroom.” The boy let out a boom of a laugh, deeper and louder than Isak expected. He didn’t know he was that funny, but Isak chuckled along. “And there’s what, three doors? Statistically it shouldn’t have been that difficult.”

“Is this place a party spot? Usually I have to hit up Frat Row or see what the engineers are cooking up over by the stadium.”

“Every Friday night, man. Thursdays if you’re lucky. But with more of a chill vibe.” Isak didn’t want to oversell it.

“I can do chill. Definitely chill.”

They both looked around. Somehow all of a sudden the kitchen appliances seemed interesting.

“So…you just moved in? Did you transfer or something?”

“Nah, uh…did you know Ryan?” Isak nodded. “They kicked him out when he got busted and needed to fill the spot, so Housing moved me in.”

Isak briefly wondered if Ryan was Justin’s dealer but didn’t get too worried about it. Justin had plenty of connections.

“Are you a senior?” The boy shrugged and twisted his face into a frown.

“Second time’s the charm.” 

Isak leaned back and nodded. “What are you studying?”

“A little bit of everything, I guess. Which may be the problem. Hey, not to be rude but where are you from? I’ve been trying to place your accent.”

Isak smiled. “Norway.” Not many people bothered to ask about his accent or home, they just would give him a weird look and brush him off as a foreigner, the one who would ruin the grade curve for the rest of the class.

“Very cool.” The boy smiled back. “Please say something in Norwegian.”

“What? Um…” Of course, now Isak couldn’t remember a single word. “Du…du lader mobilen din på kjøkkenet mitt.”

The boy’s smile inched up to his eyes. “I love when people speak in their native language. Then you can really feel what they’re saying.”

Isak laughed, thinking about how much emotion was in that sentence, how much emotion could _ever_ be in that sentence.

“What? It’s true. I don’t know what you said and maybe you called me an asshole, but your voice is lower in Norwegian. It came from here.” He slapped his stomach. Isak noticed it was solid under the t-shirt.

The phone on the counter pinged. The boy swiped open the message and relief flooded his face. “Finally. Jackson is on his way up.” The boy unplugged his phone and spun back around to Isak. He held up his hand and casually shook Isak’s. “Thanks a million dude. Ah…what’s your name?”

“Isak.”

“Thanks, Isak.” He rolled the pronunciation around in his mouth. “I’m Even. 1221. Don’t be a stranger.” Even walked to the door and let himself out, throwing a glance and smile over his shoulder on the way.

Isak hopped off the stool and checked that the door was completely closed before he whipped out his phone and pulled up Facebook. He typed "Even" and held his breath for the search results. He wasn’t feeling so homesick anymore.


	2. Jackson

He couldn’t find Even’s profile. He searched on his phone, he searched on his laptop, and he tried every possible spelling he could think of, even looking through different university networks. 

After an hour and clicking ten pages deep in the search results for “Evan tall blond student smile,” Isak gave up. He could hear Justin and Mike out in the living room, so he went to join them.

“Boys.”

They were on the couch with takeout containers in front of them, dining hall fare piled high. Justin shifted over so Isak could sit.

“I fuckin’ love nugget night,” Mike said, licking at barbecue sauce at the edge of his mouth.

“Long line?”

“Yeah but Justin got there early and saved me a spot.”

“You’re welcome.”

Isak watched them eat for a moment, thinking about what he should have for dinner. Despite the fact that they had a kitchen none of the other guys gave up their meal plans, and to them it was just an extra room to hold alcohol and packets of ketchup. Isak was the only one who cooked, budgeting his money for groceries and actually spending time in front of the stove. Of course, half of the time he was just heating up frozen pizza, but he tried to look up recipes once in a while.

Isak’s hunger was interrupted by a sudden thought. “Oh hey, did you know Ryan got busted?”

“Who is Ryan?”

“Wasn’t he your dealer?” Isak nudged Justin’s shoulder. Justin picked up a napkin and started wiping his fingers.

“Nah, my guy is Brian. He’s safe.”

“Oh. Well, one of the guys in 1221 got busted and I thought you knew him.”

“Oh thaaat Ryan. Damn. Sucks for him. How’d you find out?”

“I met the guy who moved into his spot today.”

“He chill?” Isak shrugged.

“Yo, remember that banger they threw in October? The whole floor was out.”

Isak didn’t actually remember that party, but he remembered Alex teasing him about it for weeks. Isak had gotten so drunk that he passed out in the hallway, and someone called Alex (in Norway, in class) to find out which apartment Isak belonged to. Isak disabled Touch ID after that.

“Maybe the new guy will host something. Hey, do we know if there’s anything happening Friday?” Mike was now covered in barbecue sauce.

“There might be something off-campus. Met a chick in my Tectonics class today and she lives in Riverdale. I swear they have something every week out there.”

“Keep me posted. We’re only a week into the semester and I’m already dying.” Isak shoved himself off the couch and went into the kitchen to hunt down dinner. The smell of the nuggets finally got to him.

* * *

By Thursday they had a plan. Justin’s new friend from his class was actually coming to the tower to hang out with some of her girlfriends, and there was a good chance that the hang out was going to get bigger. Especially if she didn’t stop inviting people. Phillip made a beer run so they wouldn’t show up empty-handed, and Isak tried to power through his homework so it wouldn’t hang over his head.

By Friday night they were ready.

Justin smoked a bowl and the other three threw back some Nattys. Phillip made Isak play a few russ songs, mostly because it made him giggle. They still didn’t understand the whole concept but liked hearing Isak try to explain it.

“Norway is wild.” Mike drained his beer and tossed the can in the general direction of the trash bin. It clattered on the linoleum. “Shall we, boys?”

Isak went back to his room to grab his wallet and keys, stopping at the vanity to run a comb through his hair on the way. During a particularly slow lecture on Wednesday he had tried to calculate the probability of him leaving his apartment at the exact same time Even left his, and while the odds were extremely high, he still held out hope. So he had to look good.

Each one of them grabbed a six-pack and paraded out the door. Isak stared down 1221 as they passed, willing it to open, but the four boys were the only movement on the floor. Mike called the elevator and a minute later, they were gone.

* * *

Isak didn’t know how the girls had managed to get a solid wood beer pong table into their apartment, but he had spent the last hour as the reigning champ of it with a tall brunette named Robin. Their height gave them a significant advantage, both in tosses and simple intimidation, and a line was forming of challengers.

“I get winner,” a deep voice boomed out from across the room. Isak looked away from Robin’s toss to find its owner, and was surprised when he recognized who it was: Jackson. He held his beer over his head and was maneuvering between people to get closer to the table. The mere connection to Even meant Isak couldn’t stop staring at him. _He knows Even_. Robin sank her ball and knocked the other team down to their last cup. She held up her hand for a high five, and when he didn’t return it she slapped his shoulder.

“Isak, focus. I have not stayed this sober just for us to lose.”

Isak tried to shake off his slight buzz because Robin was right: they couldn’t lose. Isak had to win this game, and then lose against Jackson. He lifted his elbow high and let the ball fly.

Screams erupted behind Isak and Robin when they added another game to their streak. Jackson stepped up to the other end of the table, and somehow none of the girls who were on line accused him of cutting. Isak quickly realized this was because Jackson was about to pick one of them to join him, and they didn’t want to ruin their chances.

Fresh cups were racked and the balls dunked in water. Jackson stretched his arms as if he were warming up for a 1500m freestyle, doing windmills and rolling his shoulders in the crowded space. The girls giggled, and his new teammate looked like she was about to fall over. Jackson sneered at Isak and pointed his finger. “You’re going down, Isak.”

This made Isak laugh because now he remembered what Jackson was like. He was the goofball, the clown, thriving on a crowd. He’s the one who turned his party into a banger; he was the key. Of course Isak didn’t really care about the party anymore. Jackson was the key to his Even mystery, so he had to play the game just right. He had to let Jackson win while still putting on a good show, let him have something to gloat about. It would also give Isak a way to connect with Jackson again: another party, a rematch.

Isak puffed his chest in response and straightened his spine for the full six-feet-tall effect. Robin hopped in place next to him. She tossed first.

* * *

“Double or nothing!” Jackson shouted, first at Isak then over the heads of the crowd.

“What do you mean?! We’re not even betting anything!”

Robin was doing a victory lap and Mike was squeezing and shaking Isak’s shoulders, having never doubted his roommate’s skill. Jackson’s teammate had disappeared quickly after she had to chug the last cup. So much for letting Jackson win.

Isak had played poorly enough to reinstate his buzz and let his competitive nature take over. He matched Jackson’s trash talking and then stepped up his game to prove his point. Robin would’ve killed him if they lost anyway.

“You really want to risk that, Jackson? You want to walk out of here a loser…twice?” Robin had done her share of trash talking too, but Isak could tell it was just poorly disguised flirting.

“Nei nei nei, hey. Let’s do overtime. I honestly don’t think you could make it through another whole game.”

Jackson looked offended, but then raised his arms in surrender. “Alright, I’ll take it. Why bother with ten cups when I could beat you with three?”

“Uh…do you remember when you literally didn’t do that just now? Find a teammate, let’s go.” A blond girl practically knocked Jackson over trying to be first in line. Jackson just shrugged and handed her the other ball. Robin put her game face back on.

Isak was figuring out his strategy when he noticed another flash of blond by the door. He couldn’t see a face but the height, the hair, even the shoulders looked familiar. Isak craned his neck a bit to try to get a better look, until he felt another slap on his shoulder.

“Jesus Christ, Isak. I’m choosing a different partner next time.” Isak let out a nervous cough and turned back to the table. He had a new game plan: win fast and escape. Jackson could cry about a rematch later.

Between tosses Isak kept glancing over at the door. The guy was still there, still facing away from him. He would bow his head to hear to the girl he was talking to over the music and cheers. Each time he looked over Isak convinced himself more and more that it was Even, and that he was about to slip away.

And then Jackson was down to one cup again. Robin had the last toss, and she took her time setting up the shot. Isak stepped back to give her room…and move closer to the door.

Jackson, in his desperation, started jumping and dancing around, anything to brick Robin. She was more competitive than Isak though, and her laser focus landed the ball with a small splash. Robin’s arms shot up in victory, and then she hopped onto Isak’s back, yelling “CHAMPIOOOOONS” into Isak’s ear. He swung her around so he could check the door again, and was shocked to see Even looking back at him over the crowd.

He felt himself smiling wide.

And then Robin slid back down to her feet, and Jackson was coming in close. “You’re not getting off that easy, kid. The next time I see you at a table you’re going down.” Isak tore his eyes off of Even, transferring his smile to Jackson before he could rearrange his face.

“Dude, chill. It’s just a game.” Isak clapped him on his shoulder and laughed, stepping away through the crowd. When he managed to look up again though, Even was gone and the door was clicking shut.


	3. Isaac

Isak liked Tuesdays because he managed to schedule two classes back to back in the morning and keep his afternoon free. Most seniors avoided morning classes like the plague but Isak learned over the years that he did better if he just got them out of the way. When it hit 11:30 Isak was in the clear. He shut his laptop, grabbed his backpack, and hopped into the current of students flowing out the doors.

Walking down the front steps of the lecture hall, Isak felt a sudden weight drop on his shoulders. When he spun around to see what it was he missed a step and his knees gave out. The boy’s arm shifted from Isak’s shoulders to his waist to catch him. _Even._ “What the hell?” Isak regained his footing and kept walking so he wouldn’t cause a traffic jam. Even dropped his arm but fell into step with Isak.

“Sorry if I scared you. Just wanted to catch you in the crowd.”

“Ah, mission accomplished.” They slowed to a stop further away from the building. “Do you have class here?”

“No, I was in the computer lab. One of my professors still wants us to hand in printed assignments.” Even held up what looked like an essay before he slid his bag off his shoulder to pack it away. “Anyway, I was going to head to the Trucks for lunch. Wanna join?”

“Uh…”

“Unless you have class….”

“No, no, I have time.” Isak had all the time in the world, he was just distracted by the way Even’s hair danced a bit when he nodded his head. “Yeah, let’s go.” They both turned and headed toward Alexander Hall, bumping shoulders as they walked.

Alexander Hall was the home of the English department, but was better known as the building in front of the parking lot that held the Trucks: five food trucks stationed in a semi-circle serving fried everything to students. As popular as nugget night at the dining hall was, if it weren’t for the meal plans the Trucks would put them out of business. They especially catered to the drunk students looking for carbohydrates and grease to soak up the alcohol at 3 am, but there was always at least one truck open at any hour. The key to beating the lunch rush was to get there while people were still digesting their breakfasts, so Isak and Even had perfect timing.

“I’m getting falafel. First one done grabs a table, ok?” Isak nodded and they split into their separate lines, Even’s blond hair bouncing away.

Isak checked the time on his phone and noticed a text from Alex. _Can we push to kl 21? I have a group project meeting._

He had forgotten about the phone call they had scheduled. Isak looked back at Even, who was already at the window ordering. Lunch wouldn’t take that long, so he shot back a _Perfekt._

Isak ordered his favorite sandwich then looked around the lot to see where Even went. He had claimed one of the café tables toward the edge; even though it was the middle of winter, students still ordered up and ate outside, so the place was filling up. He turned back when his name was called (“Isaac?”) and grabbed the warm bundle of foil from the counter.

“What’d you get?” Isak scraped back his chair and sat down, tossing his sandwich and phone on the table. He noticed that Even had waited to start eating, which was nice of him.

“Chicken parm. You?”

“Spinach and mushroom. I’d never had falafel before I came here, and one day I just ordered what the chick in front of me got and I’ve been getting it ever since. Thank you, random girl.” Even raised his pita in salute.

They ate in silence for a minute, and Isak tried to figure out a way to bring up Friday’s party. Isak retired after they beat Jackson and hung out on the couch the rest of the night, drinking with Mike and Robin and keeping one eye glued to the door. Even never came back though, so the rest of the weekend was spent on more fruitless Google searches.

“So uh, you were at that party on Friday, right?” Subtle.

“Which one?” Barely a beat later Even’s face broke into a teasing smile. “Just kidding, I only went to one. I’m too old to hop around anymore.”

“Yah, I barely make it through a pre-game now.”

“Are you serious? You were all over that table, for like…an hour.”

“I mean, when I’m winning…I’m winning.” Now it was Isak’s turn to smile, if only because Even confirmed that he had been watching him too. Isak’s phone lit up with a new text. Even glanced at it while Isak tried to figure out what to do with his sandwich.

“That’s…a lot of heart emojis.”

“Sorry. Boyfriend.” Isak picked up the phone and sent a few back. He flipped it to silent.

“Does he go here?”

“No, he’s in Norway.”

“Oh shit. That’s long distance.” Isak resumed eating, nodding along. He didn’t really want to talk about Alex, but then felt bad for not wanting to talk about him. So he chewed.

“How long have you been together?”

Isak chewed some more. “A year and a half? We met two summers ago when I was home.”

“That’s cute.”

Isak took another bite, chewed, and swallowed.

“Oh, so what I meant to ask you before…do you know whose apartment we were at?”

“No clue, I just followed Jackson. Was it someone important?”

“I don’t know either, Justin had the connection. We should be friends on Facebook so we can keep each other in the loop.”

Even squinted at Isak but then reached into his coat pocket for his phone. “Actually you’re right. I’m still in a group with my old dorm that posts who is hosting what. I’ll invite you.” He opened Facebook and handed his phone to Isak. “Find your profile.”

Isak searched for himself and opened the only result. Seeing his profile through Even’s phone made him want to delete anything embarrassing (everything) but it was too late now. He handed the phone back and a few seconds later his own phone buzzed with the friend request notification.

Isak’s secret joy over the successful mission was stunted by a realization. “Bech Næsheim?! Er du Norsk?!”

Even threw his head back and laughed. “No. Well, yes. But not really. My family is from there. I was born here.”

“Forstår—Do you understand Norwegian?”

“I know that you really didn’t call me an asshole before, but I don’t know enough to speak it. I should take a course.”

“Wow…fuck. That explains…a lot.”

“Like what?”

“You pronounced my name right, to start.”

“You…told me your name….”

“Yeah, well, most Americans just call me Isaac.” It sounded dull and drawn out when he said it, but he always offered the American version when introducing himself to professors.

“Fuck Americans. I like ‘Isak.’” Even crumpled up his now-empty foil wrapper and tossed it over Isak’s head into the trash bin behind them. Isak didn’t have to turn around to know he made it.

“I’m going to pronounce your name differently now.”

“Be my guest. I’m sure it’s what my mom actually intended.”

Isak accepted the friend request then looked up at Even.

“Even.” His voice dipped lower. Even was right, he felt it come from a deeper place.

“Isak.”

Isak’s roommates pronounced his name correctly, plus some of his other American friends, but there was something so familiar in how Even said it, the slightest accent that set it apart. It was effortless and playful. It sent a shiver down Isak’s spine.

They didn’t realize they were staring at each other until Even whispered, “I have to go.” The rest of the world flooded back into frame.

“What?”

“I have class. Gotta hand in my assignment.”

“Oh, right. Yeah.” Isak wrapped up the rest of his sandwich and put it in his bag. He never could finish a whole one, and right now his stomach was too fluttery to bother trying. “I should go…do laundry.”

Even chuckled. “Big plans.”

“Whatever.”

“See you later, Isak.”

They went their separate ways, Even into Alexander Hall and Isak back to the tower.

* * *

When Isak’s alarm rang at 3 pm he flicked open FaceTime. While it dialed Alex’s number he checked his teeth in the reflection.

“Hi baby.”

“Hi. How was the meeting?”

“Oh fine. You know how group projects are. Everyone agrees on day one but nothing happens until the last-minute scramble. We’re all best friends for now.”

“Is the topic interesting at least?”

“I guess. Ugh but I’m done talking about it. Catch me up on America.”

Alex loved hearing about the gossip, and sometimes it felt like the whole country was a celebrity to him. As much as Isak wasn’t interested in keeping up with the Kardashians, he did so for the sake of being able to talk to Alex about it. He downloaded tv shows and music from the fileshare and sent them to Alex to binge.

They covered the episode of _Breaking Bad_ that Alex just finished, whatever the hell Kanye was up to, plus whether or not Isak should go see the next movie that the film club was screening.

“Oh my god you should find a cute little thing and take him on a date.”

“What?” Isak sat up from where he had slouched down on the couch.

“Don’t like, hook up with him, but have a good time.”

“Hook up with who?”

“Anyone! I don’t know. Is there a Grindr but for just friends? For flirting? Instagram. Go find someone on Instagram.”

“Alex, come on.”

“Babe, I just want to make sure you’re having fun. You get grumpy when you’re lonely.”

Immediately Isak thought about Even. He and Alex didn’t have an open relationship, but they let each other be expressive. Alex would send him thirsty Instagrammers and screenshots of some of the direct messages he’d receive. Isak had had a mild crush on one of his TAs last semester and Alex provided color commentary while clicking through his profile photos. Flirting with others was really just foreplay in disguise, a not-so-misdirected misdirection.

So this would’ve been the perfect time to mention Even. Except he didn’t want to. He also couldn’t, really. Even’s Facebook profile was completely empty so there was nothing for Alex to see. But he also didn’t want Alex to see him. Right now Even felt like a secret, something he wanted to keep just for himself.

Isak changed the topic.

“Are you still thinking about Easter break?”

“Maybe. Haven’t talked to my family yet. It’s still so far away though.”

“Yeah but you want to get a cheap flight.”

“Mmm. I’ll call Mamma this weekend.”

Someone offscreen made Alex look away and ask, “Is it starting now? Okay.” He turned back to his phone and Isak. “Roommate has some friends coming over so I’m going to go hang out at Anna’s. We’ll send you some Americans to double-tap.”

Isak smiled and rolled his eyes. “Talk soon.”

Alex blew him a kiss and hung up.


	4. Rage

Isak heard the familiar shouts of a good soccer game as soon as the elevator opened onto his floor. They grew louder as he walked to the door, and he was glad the guys already had a solid night of gaming going. After a quick glance at #1221, he unlocked his own door and was blasted with the sound wave of a goal.

Isak dropped his bag in the kitchen and started pulling his uniform shirt over his head. He smelled like hot dogs. Phillip was hopping up and down, swearing in Spanish, but then he collapsed back on the couch.

“Who’s win—“ Isak started to ask, before he was cut off by the sight of Even sitting on the floor. Even glanced over and smiled, but quickly returned to the game on the screen.

“I am.”

“Where the fuck did you find this kid, Isak? He’s killing me.”

“Did you get locked out again?”

“Did you go to class half naked?” Isak reflexively covered his chest with his shirt, a flush spreading up his neck. Even wasn’t looking at him, but he was smirking.

“I- I just finished a shift and smell really bad.”

“Go change and get back out here. Phillip is two seconds away from raging.”

Phillip did look like he was about to have a stroke. He was leaning so far forward Isak didn’t think he was sitting on the couch anymore. Isak picked up his bag and went into his room for a fresh set of clothes.

The game was over by the time Isak returned, wearing a clean shirt and basketball shorts. Phillip was moaning into the couch cushion having lost his winning streak to the new kid.

“Has he punched you yet?” Isak went to the fridge and pulled out a box of frozen crab cakes. He turned on the oven to preheat.

“I am unscathed. Is that sort of violence the usual around here?” Even stood up and walked over to the counter. Somehow Isak had forgotten how tall he was.

“Only when he loses. The last time Mike beat him, Phillip punched him and threw his controller against the wall. Couldn’t play again until Mike bought a new one.”

“Fuck, I thought you said you guys were chill.”

Isak shrugged. “Depends on the game.”

“Noted.”

“Want some crab cakes?”

“I do!” Phillip yelled from the couch. He was upright but still looked like he was in pain.

“Never mind, then. You can eat whatever Phillip doesn’t get to first.”

“So…nothing.” Even smiled and leaned over the counter. Did he wink? Maybe. Was Isak starting to imagine things? Oh yes. Isak tried to laugh away his nervousness but it didn’t cover very well, so it just sounded like he was choking. He dumped the entire box of crab cakes onto a tray.

Phillip came over and joined Even at the counter. “I’ll leave you one. I’m a good sport.

“Yo Isak, you decide about spring break yet?”

Isak shut the oven and straightened. He hadn’t.

“What’s spring break?”

“We’re going to Boulder to snowboard. The guys plus some girls that Justin knows. I think he has the number of every chick on campus who smokes.”

“That sounds like a good deal.” Even’s eyes slid over to Isak.

“I don’t think I can handle it. I really wish I could but I’m not pulling in enough shifts.”

“It’s cool, man. At least someone around here is thinking about their future.”

“If you need someone to fill Isak’s spot, my roommate boards. I could ask him.”

“Maybe? I think we’re trying to keep it to people we trust since we’re smoking.”

“Ah, well then definitely not him. Pretty sure he’s why Ryan got busted.” All three of them cringed, a moment of silence for the fallen.

“Sounds like a fun trip though. Going for the whole week?”

“Go hard or go home.” Even offered his fist for a bump, which Phillip enthusiastically returned.

“Are you going anywhere?” Isak asked Even, before bending over to check on the crab cakes.

“Nah. I have like a million papers due right after. Actually scratch that, I’m going to the computer lab. The whole week.”

“Rager.” Phillip jokingly bumped his fist again.

“I mean, I’ve had my fair share of spring breaks. I gotta get out of this semester alive.”

“Good luck, dude.”

Isak pulled the tray out of the oven, dropping it onto a dish towel. Even and Phillip walked around the counter and they all danced about the kitchen, distributing plates, forks, and condiments. Just as they were sitting down, Justin and Mike walked in with their own meals in paper bags.

“Crab cakes. Called it.” Justin tossed his bag on the table and joined them. Mike took the couch.

“Shit, it smells again?” Isak hated when someone was cooking and the smell filled the whole floor, even more so when he was the cause of it. “It’s fucking fake frozen things.”

“I’m telling you, any kind of seafood. Who’s the new guy?” Justin nodded his head at Even.

“Justin, Even; Even, Justin. He lives in 1221 and just kicked Phillip’s ass on FIFA.”

“And you’re sitting here without a bloody nose? Congratulations.”

“Alright guys, I punched Mike once. Can we please stop joking about this before I get a reputation?”

“Too late,” Mike called out from the couch. “Who’s up next?” He had queued up another game and was waiting for players. Phillip spun around immediately, abandoning his dinner. Justin picked up his bag and the mayonnaise and joined them.

“Sitting this one out?” Isak asked, while he speared one of Phillip’s crab cakes.

“I came over to hang out, not to yell for two hours. I do enough of that in my seminar.”

“What classes are you taking?”

“The most random shit just to hit my requirements. The seminar is on poetry, sonnets. Psychology 101. Criminology. Ballet.”

“Ballet? Like dancing?” Isak held up his arms in a poor impression of a ballerina. Even laughed and sat up straight in his chair. He lifted his arms into grande pose.

“Yes, dancing.”

“That’s…amazing.”

Even shrugged and smiled. “I have the hair for it so I figured….”

“Do you have to perform or is it just lessons?”

“Just lessons. We do need to go see a couple of performances though. Or three. I think it’s three. I should check the syllabus.”

“I didn’t even realize you could take ballet as a course.”

“I don’t think anyone else did either. There are eight girls and one other guy, and the instructor always looks so disappointed when she sees us. But it’s such an interesting class.”

“That’s cool.”

“What about you, taking anything interesting?”

“No dancing. Most of them are life science electives, one lab, and that essay class I’ve been putting off.”

“Oh man, Expos? Yeah you should have done that freshman year.”

“No one told me that! Everyone else in my class is a freshman! How did everyone figure that out?”

“I don’t know. The same way people figure out where parties are.”

Phillip started murmuring nonsense words that crescendoed into a shout once he scored. Justin slapped him a high five. Mike looked annoyed.

“Whatever. We have what, three and a half months to go? And then we’re done.”

“You just have to pass Expos.”

“Ugh, stop. My second essay is due next week and I already want to quit English.”

“You speak it really well though.”

“First of all, that is a very American response. But also, just talking is different from like…finding words to argue a point. A point that I don’t even care about.”

“But that’s how you know when you’re good. When you can be so good at a language, at communicating, that even if you don’t give a shit you can convince someone else that you do.”

“Lying 101.”

Even laughed. “There are a lot of courses that count for that.”

They had both finished their crab cakes so Isak started clearing the table. Even stood up and followed him into the kitchen with his plate.

“What are you going to do when you graduate?” Even set his plate in the sink and started to run the water, but Isak waved him away.

“Just leave it. Uh…I have to go back to Norway when I’m done.”

“You couldn’t work here?”

“I could, but that’s a whole different visa situation. And…I don’t think I want to.”

“Oh right, the boyfriend.”

Isak cringed without meaning to. “Not exactly. I mean, yes. I’ll be able to go back to Alex. But it’s more that it’s just my home. I’m a different person there, and I miss it.”

Even leaned against the counter and nodded slowly. “Missing yourself is the worst.”

Isak looked up at him, hearing something else in Even’s deep voice. They held each other’s gaze for another moment, and Isak’s mind went blank. He was going to ask Even what he wanted to do after he graduated but that question, and every other question in the world, disappeared. All that existed now was Even and his hair and his flat stomach and his long fingers wrapped around the edge of the counter. Never has anyone demanded so much attention for just standing there.

It was Isak’s turn to break the spell. He used the rest of his energy to turn to the fridge. “Want a beer?”

“I’m good, thanks.” Even’s voice had shaken whatever was dragging it down before.

Isak pulled four beers out of the fridge and walked out, distributing them to the guys on the couch. He pulled two of the chairs closer to the TV so they could watch the game, and gestured to Even to sit. “It never really gets good until the end anyway.”

“So we’re just in time.”

Isak smiled and cracked open his beer. He kept his eyes on the TV but wasn’t paying attention to it at all. He barely noticed when Mike scored and tied up the game, or when Phillip actually started crying, or when he had finished his own beer and was just drinking air.

Because when Even sat down he pressed his thigh up against Isak’s and didn’t move. Isak pressed back. He was not imagining this. His world was on fire.


	5. Laundry

“The best day to do laundry is Valentine’s Day.” Isak whipped around at the sound of Even’s voice. He hadn’t heard him come in. Even carried his hamper to the washer next to Isak’s.

“Why?” Isak poured a capful of detergent into the machine.

“Everyone is out doing couples shit so you can wash your clothes without worrying someone is going to dump them.”

“People do that?”

“Haven’t you ever come back down here and found your damp clothes sitting on the table with someone else’s stuff in the machine you were using?”

“Uh, no. But I never leave.” Isak shut the door, turned the knob, and started the wash cycle. He hopped up onto the machine and held out his arms. “Like so.”

Even laughed, tossing t-shirts into his washer. “Are you serious? You just sit here for an hour and a half?”

“Nah. The wash only takes 28 minutes. Once I transfer to the dryer I’ll go back upstairs.”

“Good. Because that is not the way to spend an evening, Valentine or not.”

“Says the guy standing next to me in the laundry room.”

“I’m leaving as soon as this starts.”

“No you’re not, you’re going to keep me company.”

Even untangled a pair of jeans and threw them in, smirking. Isak was right.

“No date for you?” Isak unlocked his phone and opened Facebook in an attempt to feign disinterest in Even’s answer.

“Nei.”

Isak’s eyes snapped up at the smallest Norwegian word. Even smiled wider now that he had his full attention.

“How about yours?”

“Alex?”

“You say his name like there’s more than one.” Isak punched Even’s shoulder, making him spill his own detergent a little bit. Even smiled, sticking out his tongue, but then sobered up when Isak’s smile faded.

“Alex. We had a call earlier. But it’s not really that big of a thing over there.”

“But if he were here it’d be all limos and suits and roses, right?” Even slammed the lid to his machine down.

“Maybe. I don’t know if he’s that type.”

“No roses on Valentine’s Day?!”

“At least not for me. Clearly I’m more of a laundry kind of guy.”

“Nothing says love like fabric softener.” Even started his cycle then hopped up onto the machine next to Isak. He leaned over as he pulled his own phone out of his back pocket.

They both sat there, swiping and tapping away on their phones, the room filling its own silence with the rumble and swish of clean clothes. Another guy walked in and emptied two dryers into a hamper, not bothering to hang around to fold. He dragged his clothes back out.

Isak’s curiosity got the best of him. “Okay so…you have an empty Facebook and you don’t seem to exist on the internet. What do you do on an iPhone all day?” 

“Listen to good music.” Even pressed play on a song Isak had never heard before, clicking the volume up to the maximum. Isak watched Even’s head nod to the beat. Isak’s phone pinged with a notification; Even had sent him a Youtube link to the song on Messenger. It was a young girl singing a soulful chorus, with a guy rapping the verses. Isak didn’t know if he liked it just yet, but he liked that Even was playing it for him.

“Eh?”

Isak shrugged in response.

“Let’s try some classical. This is what I have to listen to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

It was vaguely familiar to Isak, something he’d probably heard in a supermarket or when his mom was listening to the radio. It was robust, and shortly after he started playing it, Even jumped down and moved to the middle of the room. He tossed Isak his phone.

Even lifted his head, pulling his shoulders back, drawing his spine straight and becoming impossibly tall. His arms went out to the side and Isak’s eyes followed their extension all the way to his fingertips. Then Even’s legs stretched out and back, toes pointed as much as they could in sneakers, each tendu and coupé sweeping his whole body around the limited space.

Even stopped when he ran out of positions he could remember. Isak clapped lightly. “Impressive.”

Even dropped into a deep curtsy. “Actually I’m just supposed to bow but fuck that.” He walked back to Isak and took his phone, pausing the music.

“Have you gone to any of the performances yet?”

“No. I should get on that. Want to come to one?”

“Uh…it depends. My shifts are moving around all the time these days.”

“Okay. Well I’ll send you some dates and you can let me know.”

They went back to their phones as the washing machines shifted into spin cycles.

Even stepped back, which made Isak look up, and a few seconds too late he realized what Even was doing. Isak threw his hand up to block the lens.

“What was that for?”

Even shrugged. “You looked cute.”

Isak blushed. “Let me see it.”

“Nope.”

“Come on.”

“No. This is what I do with my iPhone, take pictures of people who don’t want to be photographed.” Even cropped and adjusted the levels on the image, smiling to himself.

“Oh, so you’re a creep.”

“An artistic creep. But it doesn’t really matter because it’s a secret.”

“What do you mean?”

“Secret Instagram. No one knows it’s me, and I don’t think anyone has seen themselves yet.”

“Um, you’re going to tell me though.”

Even cocked his head and wrinkled his brow. “That’s…not how a secret Instagram works.”

“Fine, I’ll find it myself.” Isak opened Instagram and started searching, but quickly realized it would be nearly impossible if Even didn’t tag anything. “Wait, is it private?”

“No. And with every second it’ll be harder for you to find yourself.” Even leaned in and wiggled his phone in Isak’s face, teasing. Isak shoved him away.

“You’re the worst.” But he laughed, letting Even have his fun. Besides, he called him cute, so the photo couldn’t be that bad. “Do you have any followers?”

Even took a second to look at his profile. “Uh, seven, but I think they’re all porn bots or spam.”

“Then what’s the point?”

“To have a secret. To have a world that I see and know that it’s mine.”

“You won’t ever share it?” 

Even walked over and leaned his hip against the machine. He let out a sigh heavy enough that Isak could hear it over the rumble of the room.

“Maybe. Someday.”

“What if someone finds it? You really could get in trouble.”

“It’s not as creepy as you think it is. You might not even recognize yourself if you find it.”

“Not if, when.”

Even looked at Isak; they were the same height now that he was leaning and letting himself slouch. Their bodies were shaking a bit as the machines finished whipping the water out of their clothes, but their gazes held steady. In their silence they agreed that this was okay, that they could look at each other and appreciate what they saw. They read each other’s faces, and Isak’s eyes slid down Even’s long neck, coming to rest on the edge of collarbone that poked out of his t-shirt. Then they moved back up to the sharp jaw, the impossible apples of his cheeks, detouring back to pink pillowy lips before continuing their travels up into the wilderness of Even’s hair. Oh those blond waves constantly swirled about by nervous fingers.

“Who…” Isak started to whisper before he realized that he was thinking out loud.

“Hmm?”

“Who does your hair?”

Even broke the quiet with a laugh that threw his head back.

“Like do I have a stylist who does my hair every morning?”

Isak looked down, blushing again. “I don’t fucking know. It’s always combed back like that.” He mimed patting and combing his hair back like a greaser. Even pulled a curl down over his forehead and twisted it, playing along. “Okay well don’t be a dick about it now.”

“I style my own hair, thank you very much.”

Isak’s machine ended its cycle, but he only noticed when his legs stopped shaking from the vibration. He hopped down and opened the lid, a little disappointed that he had to pay attention to something else now. He pulled out his clothes and moved them to an empty dryer.

“Hey, why’d you come here?” Isak turned around again at Even’s voice.

“To the laundry room?”

“No, to America.”

Isak shrugged. He hadn’t had to think about that in a while. “I guess…because I wanted an education that went beyond the classroom. I could learn a bit more about how the rest of the world worked.” Was that why? Four years ago, what really pulled him away from the home he missed so much now? His answer makes sense now, of course. Isak had been smart about his move, picking a good program and getting the support he needed from the school. He adapted well to university life outside of a city but it did make him realize how well he had fit in Oslo. What was he looking for back then?

Even waited for him to keep talking.

“Or…I just felt trapped. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have a bigger life than I did at home. You know, everyone kind of preaches that once you graduate high school…the world is yours. And I wasn’t going to believe that until I could prove it.”

“Is the world yours yet?”

Isak swiped his card and started his dryer. “Not yet, but I feel it coming.”

“And then you’ll take it home?”

“Have to show it off somehow.”

“Make your mama proud.” Isak nodded into his chest.

Even pushed himself away from his own machine, which had stopped spinning. He pulled his clothes out and mimicked Isak’s transfer to the dryer next to his.

“Why’d _you_ come here?”

“To America?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

“My parents did the same thing you’re doing, but decided to stay.”

“And this school? I don’t think you’re here for the Biology program….”

“Nah. I had some scholarships at the beginning. And then it just made sense to stick it out. Don’t rock the boat.” Even slammed the door to his dryer shut, and Isak got the message.

“Shall we head back up?”

“Yeah.” They gathered their detergent and hampers and left the laundry room behind.

* * *

Walking down the hall to their apartments, Isak slowed considerably. They hadn’t talked much since they left the basement, but he didn’t want to leave Even just yet. He checked his phone. It was 8:30 pm and Isak had already eaten dinner.

“Are you hungry?”

Even spun around and started walking backward. “Are you?”

Isak shrugged. No. But yes. “We could go to the Trucks.”

“Hmmm.” Even turned around as they approached his door, pulling out his key. “Give me five minutes? Knock when you’re ready.”

Isak’s heart thumped but he played it cool, keeping his pace the rest of the way to his own door.

Inside his apartment he rushed, throwing the detergent and hamper in the general direction of his closet and pulling a clean shirt from his dresser. He was halfway through changing before he realized what it would look like if he showed up in a whole different outfit, so he sniffed his t-shirt and put it back on.

“Where you going?” Justin’s voice floated up from his bed.

“Trucks.”

“Oh yo, grab me some mozzarella sticks?”

“Nope.”

Isak combed his hair and reapplied deodorant, checking his pockets for his wallet, keys, and phone. He forced himself to slow down, to give Even those five minutes and to not start sweating in anticipation.

This wasn’t anything. This was two friends going to get food. He did it all the time with his roommates, and now he was doing it with Even, just like before.

He pulled his jacket on and walked out into the hallway. He paused a moment in front of #1221, then he knocked four times.

Isak could hear Even’s footsteps, and then the door swung open, revealing the same person from a few minutes ago. The rogue curl was gone though.

“Fingers crossed for short lines. Can’t leave our clothes for too long.” Even led them back down the hallway to the elevators, his long legs giving him the most casual amount of speed. Isak hopped a bit to catch up.

They waited for an elevator, both of them shifting around a bit to pass the time. Even watched Isak, waiting to catch his eye. When Isak was done reading the emergency/fire bulletin for the third time, he looked back at Even. They smiled.

“Watch out, Isak. Dinner, music, dancing…this is starting to feel like a date on Valentine’s Day.”

Isak’s jaw dropped. The elevator doors opened.


	6. Bunny

One of Isak’s lab partners from last semester was hosting a party at the tower on Saturday night. He had only really told other biology students about it, so he asked Isak to spread the word. Isak didn’t have much reach beyond that same group but he knew his roommates could do some work. And Even.

He sent Even a message about it on Wednesday. While he waited for a response he scrolled back up to the Youtube video he had sent the week before and opened it up. Isak downloaded the song and put it on repeat while he finished working on his outline. Even replied with a thumbs-up emoji.

Isak was happy with how his classes were going. He only had to visit the writing center once for help on his last essay, and he was really comfortable with his labs. They had been overwhelming at first, but now he loved the projects they were tackling. It made him excited for the research he’d be able to do back in Norway.

As he worked on the transition from his last point to his conclusion, Isak felt his momentum slow. He checked the clock and paused the music; it was almost time to head to the student center for his shift. Isak scratched his head, hammered out one more sentence, and saved the file. He got far enough for today.

On Isak’s walk to the student center Alex texted some updates from his own classes. One of them was the back of the head of his dosent, who he swears is super cute. Isak texted back a few responses, playing the jealous boyfriend that Alex loved to flirt with, but then closed the texts…and with that swept Alex out of his mind.

It wasn't that anything felt bad with Alex, or even different. When he was texting or chatting with him, it was still funny and cute and sexy and lovely, but when they weren't talking, he just...disappeared. And Isak was starting to notice how easy it was to not think about Alex. How easy it was to forget when he was supposed to call, how easy it was for him to text someone else to tell them a funny story. More often than not, it was Alex initiating their conversations, Alex snapping his fingers to get Isak to focus, Alex demanding the attention he deserved.

They didn't talk about this, and maybe Alex didn't notice it, but it started weighing on Isak's mind a bit. So, he had made a considerate effort to counter his distance. There wasn't much he could actually do physically, and in fact something like having flowers delivered would seem strange and make Alex suspicious, so Isak just tried to give him more attention throughout his day. He sent him memes and songs and told him about the boring parts of his classes, but also asked him to block out some time during spring break for Skype sex.

Alex was excited about that.

And by the time Saturday's party rolled around, Isak was slightly less obsessed about finding Even there.

* * *

Slightly.

Isak made sure he looked good. Casual, but good. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t have anyone to impress, and it worked for a little while. He went upstairs with Justin, working the room for a bit until he figured out where he wanted to settle down. It looked like there was a small group playing Cards Against Humanity at the kitchen table, so Isak refreshed his beer and hovered behind Samantha, who was also from his lab last semester.

“Are you guys playing?”

“Not really, just reading the cards and sharing the funny ones.” Samantha scooted over so they could both half-sit on the chair. After a minute it got uncomfortable, so Isak just lifted her up a bit and let her sit on his lap.

“Oh here, here’s a pile of cards with only dicks on them. Saved them just for you.”

“Why thank you.” Isak took the small stack and tucked them into the chest pocket of his shirt. “Always need extra big black dicks on hand.” This made the table laugh, and then they returned to their slow shuffling and occasional chuckle. Isak wished they were actually playing because he loved trying to figure out everyone’s American sense of humor, but this was still fun. They drank and read inappropriate lines and sorted new piles for the cards that matched their professors.

When it was time for a refill Samantha and Isak walked over to the fridge to grab more cans. Samantha pushed herself up onto the counter so she was at eye level with Isak. They cracked their cans.

“What was it you used to say? When you cheers?”

Isak smiled. “Skål. You make eye contact and nod if you’re being formal.” They tapped their cans together.

“Skål. You taught me so many words during lab but I think I’ve forgotten all of them.”

“Well it’s not like you’re going to use them, so whatever.”

“But it was fun to learn! Honestly that was the highlight of those labs, getting a new word each class. Remind me, are you going to be doing research or teaching?”

“Was going to focus on research, why?”

Samantha shrugged. “You would probably be a great teacher too. You have the patience for it.”

“Takk.” Isak rested his palm over his heart.

“I remember that word!”

Isak laughed and tried to remember what words he taught Samantha. He skipped over anything that sounded close enough to English, but then she struggled with most of the ones he threw at her.

“This should be a drinking game! Though I shouldn’t play if I want to get out of here alive.”

“Can I play?” 

“Even!” Samantha spread her arms wide and beckoned Even over. Isak choked on his sip of beer.

“Sammy!” Even walked right into her hug, squeezing tight and swaying back and forth. She almost slipped off the counter.

“I haven’t seen you in ages! Where’d you go?”

“I live here now, on the 12th floor. I’m Isak’s neighbor.” Even thumbed over his shoulder at Isak before turning around. Isak was glad he didn’t take another sip of beer because the smirk Even threw at him made his throat close up.

“That’s cool! And kind of explains the randos who keep popping by.”

“I’m a rando?” Even grabbed a beer from the fridge and stood next to Samantha.

“Shit Even, you’re the most random person I know. Remember how we met?” Even smiled like it was a juicy secret, but Samantha looked over at Isak to explain. “He was in a fucking tree at the Zeta house, like he had a fucking hammock up there and slept there. He jumped down and hit one of my friends when we were there for a party.”

Even lifted his arm and wrapped it around Samantha’s shoulder, giving her a squeeze. “Yeah well you made me fail French so I think we’re even.”

“Um I did not _make_ you fail French. I made you sign up for French so I wouldn’t have to suffer alone. The failing was all you, bud.”

Isak could barely comprehend everything that had just been shared. “You took French? You were in a frat?”

“No, I just…hung out in their tree for a while.”

Isak looked at Samantha as if she could translate that sentence for him. She just shook her head and laughed. “He’s crazy!”

“I’m not crazy, I’m fun.” Even squeezed her shoulder again and winked at Isak.

“Aww fun Even. Madame always called you _son lapin_ whenever you weren’t there, because you just never stopped hopping. You were the cutest in that class. When you showed up.”

“Bisous.”

“Bisous.” They both puckered their lips and gave an exaggerated peck. “Ugh I miss you so much. I’ll have to come over here more often.”

“1221, babe.”

“Don’t tempt me. Danielle has been pissing me off so I might sleep over if she continues this bitch diet she’s on.”

“You’re still rooming with Danielle?”

“I mean it’s our last semester. It’d be weird to move out at this point.”

Isak had heard plenty of Danielle stories in between Norwegian lessons, but knew Samantha’s complaints were just necessary venting. Isak could commiserate with a few Justin stories as well and neither of them were nightmare roommate situations.

“You can escape whenever you want.”

“Thanks, babe. I’m going to escape to the bathroom right now.” Samantha slid out from under Even’s arm and skipped down the hallway. Even looked over his shoulder into the living room, taking in the rest of the party.

“So how are the randos?” The apartment was filling up with more people that Isak didn’t recognize, but nothing was getting crazy.

“You tell me.”

“I took great care in who I invited. Wanted to make sure your biology crew wouldn’t be disappointed.”

“I appreciate that.”

They sipped their beers, looking around, trying to think of things to talk about, excuses to stay in the kitchen.

“So…Sammy?” Isak had only known her as Samantha, and she usually corrected people who called her Sam. Even understood what Isak was asking.

“I get a pass on a lot of things.”

“Kjæreste din?” It took him a minute but then Even understood this question as well.

“Ah…nei.” Even smiled and tilted his head. “Just good friends. She saw a lot of shit go down. You know her from biology?”

“Yeah, we had a lab together last year.”

“We should all hang. She’s fun.”

“Sure. Text me for your next sleepover.” The instant Isak said it he started blushing, and Even wiggled his eyebrows.

“I don’t think we need Sammy for that.”

Isak spun around and slammed his beer on the counter behind him, trying to compose himself and not flirt back. Even’s soft chuckle floating across the room was not helping matters.

“Oh come on, I’m just teasing you.”

As if on cue, Alex’s text tone rang out from Isak’s back pocket. He pulled out his phone without turning around, nervous that Alex somehow knew what was running through his head just then. But it was just Alex texting him to tell him to check his snap so they wouldn’t lose their streak.

“How’s Alex?” 

Isak turned around now, squinting at Even. “How’d you know it was him?”

“Your ass literally lit up.”

“Uh…he’s fine.” Isak walked over to Even, feeling a bit more in control now that the boyfriend boundary was up. “I have to reply to his snap.”

“Please tell me he sent a dick pic.”

“You wish.” Isak held up his phone and showed Even Alex’s selfie from dinner with his roommates.

“Hello, Alex.”

“You two would probably get along really well.”

“Yeah? Does he ever visit?”

Isak had to think for a second. “He came over last Easter break.”

“Well if he comes back you should introduce us.”

“So you can flirt each other to death? Please.”

“You think this is flirting? You have not seen flirting. Here, let me snap back.”

“I am not giving my phone to the guy who asked about dick pics.” Isak twisted his upper body away, shielding his phone from Even.

“You can’t break the streak! Just let me be in it. Pull up the filters.”

Isak flipped the camera and held the phone up so they both fit in the frame. He did what he could to work around the kitchen’s fluorescent lighting, and Even leaned in over Isak’s shoulder.

“Do the bunnies, it’s my favorite.”

Isak swiped until the ears and nose popped up. Their eyes went wide and cheeks turned even pinker than before, and when Isak started recording Even’s deep laugh turned into chirps.

“Alex this is Even. He pretends to be Norwegian sometimes.” Even shoved Isak out of frame and he stopped recording. “It’s true! You lied to me at first.”

“I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t tell you I understood Norwegian.”

“That counts. Do you know how many Norwegians I’ve met on campus since I arrived? Two and a half.”

“A half?”

“Yeah, you’re only half.”

“That’s fair. Did you send it?” Isak looked at the screen, looping his and Even’s faces with their floppy bunny ears. They disappeared for a second when Even laughed too hard. Isak saved the video and then sent it to Alex.

“I’m going to wake up to so many questions.”

“Well you know my name. I’m an Aquarius, 6’ 4”, and single. That should cover it.”

Isak didn’t want to admit it, but those were exactly the questions Alex would ask once he saw the snap. Maybe not in that order though. He would also need several follow-up pictures.

“I should just give you his number then, cut out the middle man.”

“Whenever you’re ready.” Even raised his eyebrows again but then drew them down when he noticed Isak’s pocket.

“What are those?”

Isak looked down, seeing the pile of cards poking out of his shirt. “Oh, you know what? These are a gift that I forgot to give to you earlier.” He pulled them out, firmly deciding to fuck it and flirt back. Hard.

Even took them from Isak, a smile spreading on his face as he started reading. “How did you know? I’ve always wanted problematic stereotypes.” Even pressed the cards to his chest and sighed.

“You just have that look about you.”

“Of course you knew. You’ve been reading me like a book.”

With nothing to deny, Isak just stepped back a bit and kept staring. Even shuffled the cards, fidgeting, but then set them down on the counter, putting the jokes to the side. As they looked at each other, the space between them grew heavy, dense with a dare. And despite the fact that they had just responded to his boyfriend, Isak wasn’t thinking about him at all.

Even’s mouth slowly turned up into that smile, the one that made Isak's blood rush through his ears. Even tipped his head back, looking down at him. “Takk for the dicks. Got any more?”


	7. Quiet

The flirting died down once they were sober, but over the next two weeks the texts ramped up. Isak and Even traded phone numbers (“I just don’t want to be on fucking Facebook at all.”) and Isak got dangerously close to his texting limit at the end of February. He tried to joke with Even about reeling it in for March, but the selfies and music and most random thoughts kept on coming.

It was a little confusing, but it did make Isak smile. Fuck an extra fee.

When spring break hit, though, the texts stopped. Isak didn’t think too much of it because he remembered Even talking about how much he needed to catch up on over break, to take advantage of the quiet. So he kept to himself, and it wasn’t too bad.

The boys were gone and Isak was enjoying his break routine, Skyping with Alex in the morning, short shifts at the student center, and never having to call dibs on the Playstation. Just like over winter break, he let everything go a little bit, not caring about how the apartment looked or how bad his t-shirt smelled, or how his diet was getting dangerously close to being 100% ramen noodles.

By Friday though, something kicked in. That morning he woke up with the sunrise and had the urge to make a proper breakfast, digging through the fridge for meats and cheese. Halfway through his prep he stopped to text Even and invite him over, but Even didn’t respond. Isak kept going though, saving enough for two sandwiches in case Even showed up. He set the table for himself and enjoyed the feeling of at least accomplishing this over spring break.

To keep up the streak, Isak cleared the kitchen and went to tackle his room. He made his bed, sorted his dirty clothes, and used the vacuum for the first time that semester. He apologized to the carpet.

Up next was a trip to the basement for two loads of laundry. As he dragged his hamper out the door he debated knocking on #1221, but realized he didn’t have anything to say. _“Come do some laundry with me?”_ It was ridiculous enough to sound like a pick-up line, which had no place at 10:30 in the morning. Isak kept walking.

When the elevator opened into the basement, Isak was hit with the sound of music. It was so out of place down there, where all he was expecting was the hum of machines, or rather nothing at all, that he couldn’t comprehend what kind of music was playing. It was just a beat.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when he walked into the room and found Even sitting on a washer. But he was. He let go of his hamper and it slumped to the side. Even looked up and smiled. He tapped at the laptop that was on the machine next to him and the music stopped.

“There you are.”

“Were…you waiting for me?”

“The world is waiting for you, Isak Valtersen.” It was a strange, grandiose sentence, but Even said it with such a casual confidence that Isak believed him.

“Well. Here I am.” He picked up his hamper again and brought it over to Even. Even moved the laptop to his other side, freeing the machine. “Are you doing laundry?”

“No. Just enjoying these fine cinderblock acoustics.”

“What were you listening to?” 

Even glanced at his screen. “Not sure.”

Isak nodded and started loading his clothes. He could feel Even watching him. “Did you finish all of those papers you needed to write?”

“Um…one of them. Haven’t been able to concentrate lately.”

“Oh. I thought you were in study mode.”

“I was. But then…” Even’s hands fluttered around his head. Isak looked up and noticed Even’s hair, which was a little greasier than usual, holding the rows that his fingers had weaved through it. “I come down here to try to calm it.”

“Does it work?”

“A little. Sometimes.” Even cringed to himself.

“Can I do anything to help?” Isak measured out his detergent and tossed it in. He went through the rest of the motions to start the washer, not noticing right away that Even didn’t answer. Isak tossed the detergent bottle onto the ground and hopped up onto the machine.

“Isak Valtersen.” Even drew out his name, emphasizing the Norwegian pronunciation.

“Even Bech Næsheim.”

“You’re so good at saying my name. You should do it more often.”

Isak didn’t tell him that sometimes he whispered it to himself during class. If he used a notebook and pen he’d probably be doodling his name with hearts around it.

Isak watched Even’s fingers drum a beat on his knees.

“Oh we still have to go to a ballet.” Even’s hands whipped over to his side to grab his computer. He typed quickly, and Isak waited for him to start reading out performances.

But he didn’t. Even started playing more music, hip-hop this time, typing and reading and moving things around on his screen.

“Are you looking up the performing arts center?”

“Hmm?” Even asked, tilting his head but not looking at Isak.

“For shows to go see?”

“Oh, right. Actually I just learned how to say your name in sign language.” Even held up his hand and looked back and forth between it and his screen, where he was trying to mimic the motions that someone on Youtube was making. “Give me your hand.” Isak offered his hand and Even shaped it into position with his own.

“E-V-E-N.”

“That’s your name. What about mine?” He didn’t want Even to let go. He wanted him to spell out the whole dictionary, A to Z.

Even shaped his fingers again, into I-S-A-K.

“Wait do yours again.”

Isak’s hands were smaller than Even’s, and the other boy’s fingers guided with just the right amount of pressure. Isak noticed that the nails were bitten down, his cuticles pink and swollen.

“I do not know what I will ever do with this knowledge, but I thank you for it.”

“You’ll say my name.” Even stated this so matter-of-factly that Isak laughed.

“Okay.”

Even went back to his hurried typing. Isak dropped his hand but practiced their names in his lap. His clothes swished beneath him.

Isak wanted to talk to Even. He loved talking to Even, even when he made him roll his eyes or groan in embarrassment. And usually it was so easy, the way their conversations flowed. But right now it was hard. Isak didn’t know what to say because he couldn’t figure out where Even was, and Even wasn’t stopping long enough for Isak to catch up. No matter what he could say, whether he brought up the ballet again or asked about the whole Zeta house tree thing or what he meant about his mind, it would always be something that Even wasn’t thinking about and thus didn’t _want_ to think about. Not that Isak only wanted to follow Even's lead, or that he expected to be able to read Even’s mind, but he used to be able to get something. Now Even just looked slightly out of reach.

Isak leaned forward a bit to get a better look at Even’s face. His brow was furrowed and his eyes seemed to be moving too fast to actually take anything in from the screen. But apparently he was.

“Did you know that elephant seals can hold their breath for two hours? Here, watch this.” Even shifted his laptop so Isak could see. They watched about a minute of a video where Isabella Rossellini talked about elephant seals and illustrated their activities with paper crafts and basic animations. It was a fun little lesson, but Even seemed to quickly lose interest, watching Isak instead of the screen. “Isn’t this wild?”

Isak didn’t quite match Even’s enthusiasm but he tried. “Sure! Mammals can be so similar yet different—“

“Yeah and the way she tells the story, like it looks like she’s doing a Kindergarten arts ‘n’ crafts thing but she’s so scientific about it. Like she’s dumbing it down but also not. So cool. She has a lot more videos.” He went back to clicking around. “I should see if there’s a class I can take on this.”

“On animals?”

“No, the paper stuff. I just love that it’s so simple. Sometimes the world is just trying too hard, you know? Let’s go back to shadow boxes and construction paper.” Isak watched him navigate to the university’s course catalog.

“Even…you’re graduating in two months.” Isak didn’t want to burst Even’s bubble but it was the truth. He didn’t understand what Even was actually trying to do. Was he being serious right now?

Even gave a small shrug but clicked away, back to the videos. Then he looked over at Isak and smiled, his face lighting up with a better idea. “Independent study!”

“You’ll have to talk to your advisor about that.”

“Oh he’s a dickhead. All he ever tells me is that my classes ‘don’t fit the goals of my educational career.’” Even rolled his eyes and gave his advisor a squeaky voice. “Why does my educational career have to be so…narrow? Why can’t I learn everything?”

“Then you’d be in school forever.”

“You would think they wouldn’t mind that, as long as I kept paying tuition.”

“Do you _want_ to be here forever?” Isak couldn’t wait to escape the labs and the classrooms, to put his knowledge to the test and make meaningful contributions to research projects. But he knew that there were others who wanted to be students forever, who kept coming back to pursue different fields and earn multiple degrees, thriving in this environment.

“Your education never stops, Isak.”

“Of course! But it also shouldn’t be limited by this school. Maybe…you could intern with an artist after you graduate or something. Look up the person who did those videos.”

“God, your brain is so…practical.” Even slammed his laptop shut and placed it to the side. “I just want to squeeze it sometimes.” His hands shaped the air in front of him.

Isak let out a small laugh. “Sorry.”

“Oh Isak Valtersen, never apologize for your brain.” Even hopped down from his machine and stretched.

“I need to get out of here.” He looked around the room like the answer to what his next move should be would be revealed in the grey walls. Then he turned back to Isak.

He approached slowly. When he reached Isak’s knees he tapped them, and like a reflex, Isak spread his legs. Even leaned in, his hips pressed against the washer and his face closer to Isak’s than ever before.

Even if he wanted to move, Isak couldn’t. He was frozen, unable to move away if Even advanced further, unable to move closer to meet him halfway. The spin cycle started beneath him, accelerating with his heart beat.

“Your brain. Your nose.” Even was close enough for their noses to touch, and with a little nudge, they did.

It was just their noses, but it was the most intimate touch Isak had felt in months. It wasn’t just proximity or a sign language lesson, it was touch for the sake of touch. He hoped Even didn’t notice how it made him shiver, how he felt like he was going to collapse on top of a washing machine. He wasn’t supposed to be feeling like this when another boy touched him, but he was in no position to deny that he did.

They were breathing each other in, slow and steady.

And then Even raised his left hand and dragged his thumb down Isak’s jawline. Another shiver ran up Isak’s spine, and his mouth fell open to meet the weight of Even’s hand. This made Even smile.

“Would you look at that,” Even whispered to Isak’s lips. “I’ve calmed down.”

They breathed.

When he found his voice again, Isak tried to ask a question. “What…are you….”

And it seemed to break the spell. Even pulled back, pushing away from Isak’s knees. He grabbed his laptop. “I need to go email my advisor.”

Isak sat up straight, knocking away the haze. “About, about the course?”

“Independent study!”

“The construction paper stuff?” Even was already at the door. Isak raised his voice over the machine, and Even spun around in response.

“Nei, Isak. You.”


	8. Bisous

Alex had asked about Even, as predicted, but Isak just brushed him off as a friend who he bumped into at parties sometimes. He made a concerted effort to keep him out of any snaps from when they were playing FIFA or getting lunch after class, and was relieved that he wasn’t going to show up on any of Even’s accounts, as mysterious as they were. Whenever he was bored he searched Instagram though, opening up artsy-looking images in case he had a certain style that he could trace. But still nothing.

Isak kept his life looking the same for Alex, and they carried on. Alex had finally decided about Easter break and broke the news that he couldn’t come visit. Isak pouted at the screen.

“Oh babe, you’ll be back here in June, not much longer now.”

Isak pouted even harder at that thought, it hitting all of a sudden that he’d be leaving everything behind. What he used to think was going to be an easy break had lately become a bit more complicated.

“You’re so cute when you’re sad. But really, you’ll be so busy studying for your exams that you won’t even notice me.”

“Not true! We had so much fun last year. And I’ve been saving up my skip days.”

“You had fun! You got to go to your classes, nerd out, and then come home to me! Do you know how many hours of Ellen I watched while you were gone?”

“Oh so thaaaat’s how you got all of those dance moves.”

“Bitch I am going to smack you!” The screen shook when Alex stood up to threaten him. Isak giggled.

“But oh my god Anna dragged me to the club last weekend and it was seriously wild. Like it hasn’t been that bad since the summer. Remember? I don’t know what was going on.”

“Maybe someone’s birthday?”

“No, like a whole mix of people. Maybe word got out about the new dancers.”

“Oh?” Isak looked pointedly at Alex.

“Honey, even you would be drooling. They were delicious. We’ll go as soon as you land.”

“The first thing I’m doing as soon as I land is sleeping for a month. Then visiting Mamma.”

“I forgot how much of a Mamma’s boy you are.”

“You’ll always be my #2.”

Alex winked.

“I have to go…homework is calling.”

“Okay my pretty little nerd. See you soon.”

“Bisous.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, uh…kyssene? French.”

“French?”

Isak waved his hand. “I think I just picked it up from a show or something.”

“I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, but that’s enough America for you.”

“What?!” Isak couldn’t believe how ridiculous this conversation was getting because of his slip.

“Whatever. Go do your homework. _Kyssene_.” Alex drew out the word in jest, but smiled sweetly at Isak. Isak returned the smile, then ended the call.

He rolled over to his back, tossing his phone down near his feet and letting out a deep sigh. His two worlds were slipping and sliding into each other, and even with all of his efforts Isak wasn’t sure if he was supposed to try to stop it.

* * *

Isak was eating dinner when someone started knocking on the door, and they didn’t stop until Isak walked over to open it.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Um, hello Even,” Isak said to the blur that burst into his apartment. Even’s long strides carried him into the living room and back again by the time Isak closed the door.

“Ready?”

“For what?”

“The party? Sammy’s text?” Even pulled his phone out of his pocket and waved it around. During the week Sammy had texted them both about a party over by the stadium and they had agreed to go. Isak didn’t invite his roommates, but they went off on their own weekend adventures anyway. Even stared at him, unsure what was holding Isak up.

“It’s only seven pm. I’m eating dinner.” He pointed to the plate on the counter. “I thought we’d go over at like…ten.”

Even looked at the counter, but then bounced his eyes around the kitchen. “Okay. I guess I can wait.”

Isak walked back over to the stool. “Did you eat dinner? Do you want anything?” He didn’t have much of his stir-fry left to share, but there was some stuff in the fridge. Even just shook his head though.

“Are you wearing that?”

Isak looked down at his shirt, the free one with their mascot on it that each student gets when they go to their first football game. “I’m wearing it now, yes. But I have to shower and change before we go.”

“Good, good. I’ll go pick out your outfit.” Even slapped the counter then disappeared.

Too hungry to really care that Even was rooting through his closet, Isak continued to shovel down his dinner. He hunched over his plate and opened his phone to scroll through Facebook. The pregaming posts were coming in fast, from girls and their bathroom selfies to boys showing off refrigerators packed to the brim with cans. He tapped over to his texts to confirm the details Sammy had sent. She was bringing some girls from her dorm, and they decided to meet up halfway and arrive together around 10:30.

“Do you have an iron?” Even called out from Isak’s room.

Isak rolled his eyes. “Under my bed!” He finished eating and dumped his plate in the sink, starting to get nervous about what was actually going on. Aside from the one suit he had in case of a formal emergency, he couldn’t think of anything that would require ironing. Or an engineering party that would have such high standards.

Isak paused in his doorway, admiring the sight of Even’s ass sticking out from under his bed. He heard Even make a noise, then watched the rest of his body shimmy its way back into view. He had the iron in one hand and the small board in the other, which he tossed up onto the bed.

“So what am I going to wear?”

“Blue. You look good in blue. But it’s wrinkled.” A black and blue plaid shirt was hanging from the back of Isak’s chair. He walked over and picked it up, trying to remember the last time he had worn it. He gave it a sniff, just in case.

“With these pants?” A white t-shirt and dark jeans were folded on the seat of his chair.

“Trust me, Isak.”

“I do, I do. Just trying to picture it all.”

“I know it’s counterintuitive to send you out there looking this fresh but I’m not going to sabotage my best buddy.”

“Oh I’m your best buddy?” Isak handed him the shirt when Even reached out his hand. He had set up the board on his bed and was laying out the shirt while the iron heated up.

“Yes.”

“Well….” He wanted to keep joking, to tease Even about it, but all he could think was that it was really cute. Sweet. Isak wasn’t sure what they were, what he was hoping they were, but he was grateful to at least have this. “That’s nice.” He coughed.

“It is nice.”

Even was still on his knees, pressing the wrinkles out of Isak’s shirt with an extreme amount of focus. Isak watched him saw his arm back and forth over the fabric, the mattress bouncing from the movement.

“Go shower. We’re going to be late.”

“Even, we are not going to be late. We have hours! I bet Sammy hasn’t even started getting ready yet.”

“Sammy is Sammy. You and those curls are another story.”

“Are you going to iron my curls too?”

Even whipped around, holding up the iron and pumping out some steam. He wiggled his eyebrows. “Don’t tempt me.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Isak grabbed the jeans from the chair and a clean pair of boxers from his dresser. “Don’t burn anything while I’m gone.”

* * *

When Even spotted Sammy he started running. She was ahead of them on the main green that ran through campus, arm linked with Danielle. Even ran up to them and threw his arms around their shoulders, making them scream. But then they dissolved into a group of giggles. Isak ran a bit to catch up.

“Isak, this is Danielle, my roommate.” 

“Nice to meet you.” He gave her a nod and a smile.

“I finally meet the Norwegian!”

“You finally get to party with the Norwegian!” Even chimed in, giving Danielle’s shoulder a squeeze.

“Y’all get messy?”

Isak shrugged. “If we’re having fun, we’re having fun.”

They walked the rest of the way to the engineering apartments by the stadium, Even occasionally meandering off along the way. When they arrived they could immediately tell which of the two-story buildings had the right apartment, because music and people were already spilling out into the parking lot. Even let loose a howl.

Sammy led them into the apartment and made a few introductions. They all recognized some people so they dispersed, the girls back out to the hallway and Isak & Even onto the line at the keg.

“Fuck, the weekend could not have gotten here fast enough,” Even said over his shoulder as he stepped up.

“Charlie my man, be generous.” Charlie gave Even a smirk and filled up his plastic cup to the brim, tipping out some foam. Isak didn’t know who Charlie was so he received a smaller pour, but Isak didn’t mind. He turned and trailed after Even, who was pushing his way through the crowd toward the bedrooms.

“What do we have in here?” Even strolled into the room as if it were his own, gesturing to the girls on one of the beds to make room for him. He squeezed in, then curled his finger at Isak.

“Ladies, please, let’s make space for Isak. We’re going to have a cuddle sesh.” Isak angled his hips then fell onto the bed, half landing in Even’s lap. He spilled a bit of beer in the hair of the girl next to him, but she didn’t notice. 

On the bed across from them a couple was making out and a guy was strumming his guitar. He was too quiet to hear what he was playing over the music coming from the living room but it was still interesting to watch, seeing someone so in his own head that the party barely registered around him. Isak wondered if this was his room and they were invading, or if he joined the party but decided to make his own instead. Either way it was admirable.

Even lifted his arms up and around Isak and the girl on his other side, making himself comfortable. “Did I tell you I went to a ballet on Wednesday?”

“No! Wait I was supposed to go with you.”

“It was a last-minute decision, didn’t want to interrupt you. We’ll go to another one though.”

“What did you go see?”

“I…can’t remember. It was Shakespeare though. Beautiful. Funny, too. Took a train into the city, bought a suit, had a grand ol’ time in the cheap seats. I feel like I could be the kind of person who goes to the ballet, you know? Like that’s what I would do instead of watching TV or something. Even during intermission, watching everyone else mingle in their black dresses with tiny drinks and fur whatevers. True entertainment.” Even tipped back his plastic cup but with a dainty hand, his pinky held high.

Isak was a bit jealous that Even went without him. He hadn’t been particularly interested in the ballet, but he wanted to experience whatever it was that made him describe an evening like that. A glamorous night in the city sounded like a nice break from school, especially during the middle of the week.

“Do you have to write a report about it?”

“No. I have to bring in my ticket stub—. Oh fuck, what did I do with it?” Even looked over at Isak like he knew the answer. Isak stared back blankly.

“Maybe…it’s still in your suit?”

“Fuck if it is. I don’t know what I did with that either.”

“You lost your suit?”

“Well…I think I went to a bar after. What I _do_ know is that I wore someone else’s pants home, because I kept looking down at my lap and thinking I was using someone else’s legs. That was funny. But if I left the ticket in my pants then it’s definitely gone. Maybe my jacket…”

The girl on Even’s other side was listening too, and she shot Isak a strange look. He returned it, unsure what was going on. Even looked deep in thought, staring up at the ceiling and taking occasional swigs of beer.

“This was Wednesday night?”

“What’s tonight?”

“Saturday.”

“Sure.”

“Were you alone?”

“Tonight? You’re here!” Even squeezed Isak’s shoulder and gave him a big smile. His eyes practically sparkled even in the dim lighting of the dorm room, and for a brief moment Isak forgot that he was trying to figure out Even’s story. Because yes, he was here. He was right here, pressed up against Even and never wanting to move.

“I…I meant about Wednesday.”

“What happened on Wednesday?”

“Even! You were just talking about how you went to the city to see the ballet and came home in someone else’s clothes!”

“Oh, it happens. I need more beer.” Even wiggled out from under Isak, and Isak watched him leave. The girls shifted back to their more comfortable positions.

“That sounded like a wild night.”

“I can’t imagine what else I missed.”

“Is he…your boyfriend?” She asked it slowly, assuming she would offend him simply by asking.

“No, my boyfriend isn’t here. He’s just my neighbor.” Alex flashed across Isak’s mind but he was gone as quickly as he came.

“Do you guys live in this block?”

“No, we’re all the way over in the tower. Are you in engineering?”

“No, I’m studying French. I’m Ali, by the way.” She shifted her cup to her other hand and extended it for a shake.

“Isak.”

“Isak?” She leaned in closer, not sure if she heard correctly. “Like…eeeee, sock?”

“Yeah. Isaac?”

“Ah, okay! Isaac.” She drew it out with more of a French pronunciation.

Isak shrugged. “Sure.”

“Do you study any languages?”

“Nah. I’m in biology. But Even took French once. I think. He might’ve failed it though.”

“Too many nights at the ballet?”

They both laughed at Ali’s joke, but then Isak wondered if that was true. Sammy had mentioned his disappearances from class, and maybe these kind of spontaneous trips were a habit of his.

“It sounded like a fun night though, and he lived to tell…half of the tale.”

“Yeah, I actually am hoping to go with him to another show. He’s taking ballet as a course and one of the assignments is to go see a few performances. I thought it would just be something local, but I wouldn’t mind a night in the city like that.”

“Better than the usual dorm-hopping.”

Isak nodded into his beer.

“I need to refresh. Shall we go see if Even is still wearing his own pants?”

“Good plan.” They both scooted off the bed, Isak draining his own cup when he stood. Ali led them back into the hallway and Isak began scanning the apartment. Considering his recent train of thought, Isak wasn’t exactly expecting Even to be waiting patiently at the keg.

And he wasn’t. He didn’t seem to be anywhere in the apartment actually, so Ali and Isak ventured out into the hallway and stairwell. They gave up the casual search when they encountered a beer pong game downstairs and Ali was pulled into it by a friend. She let Isak take a few shots to be nice, but when he proved his clear advantage, Ali’s friend traded out her spot. 

“I don’t know why we were upstairs when this is clearly what you should be doing professionally.”

“Beer Pong?”

“Yeah! Fuck biology.”

“Maybe I could minor in it.”

“That would be the smartest move this university has ever made. Hell, just offer a course. I’m sure Even would sign up.”

“Might fail that too.” He couldn’t resist the mean joke, but felt bad as soon as he said it. He looked around just in case Even had returned while they were playing. Ali laughed it off.

“I wonder where that kid went. I still want to hear about what happened to his pants.”

“I honestly don’t think he even knows. But if I find out I’ll let you know.”

They played through a couple more games, Isak’s form shaping up as he sobered up, which meant they kept dominating. He could read the crowd though, and bowed out when folks were starting to get antsy for a turn and tired of watching the same team.

“Thanks for that fun run. We’re usually so bad that it’s a miracle we even got to the table.”

“Happy to help.” They wove through the sea of students back to the stairwell. As they began to climb, Isak felt a tug on his shirt. He turned and caught Sammy just as she was tripping over a girl leaning against the banister.

“Whoa, hey! There you are!”

“There _you_ are! I need you to come help me.” Isak turned to do a quick introduction to Ali, but Ali had kept walking and was out of sight. He looked back at Sammy.

“With what? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Even’s...not.”

“Huh?”

“He’s outside. I can’t get him to stand up.” She turned, and Isak followed her back down the stairs and out to the parking lot. Even was leaning against the bumper of a car, listing to the side, staring at the ground.

“I think he’s had too much to drink. He was drinking two different beers when he found me.”

“Uh, okay.” As they approached Even looked up. It took a second for him to recognize them, but when he did he smiled the goofiest grin.

“Isak! Sammy! Let’s hang out!” He slapped the ground next to him like it was a sofa cushion. “Ow.”

“How about we hang out at the apartment?” Isak dropped to a squat so he was level with Even. He tried to assess the damage and establish eye contact, but Even was all over the place. “Can we go home?”

“Is the party over?”

“Yup. All done. Beer’s gone.”

“Ah shit.”

“Hey, let’s get up off the ground, okay?” Isak held out his hands to help Even stand. Even stared at his hands for a moment, unsure of what he was supposed to do. Isak reached for them and got a good grip, planting his feet in front of Even’s and leveraging his weight to pull them both up. Sammy helped steady them as they went vertical. “You think you can walk?” Isak didn’t let go of his hands.

“Let’s find out!” With the enthusiasm of a child trying to ride his first bike, Even took a few slow and exaggerated steps forward.

“Alright. This is not awkward at all. Here, move between us and we’ll walk together.” Isak pulled Even’s arm over his shoulder, wrapping his own around Even’s waist. Sammy did the same on the other side, and they supported Even while he continued working on controlling his legs. Slowly they got to the edge of the parking lot and began the trek back to the tower.

* * *

As they were passing the library, Even seemed to shake some of the clouds; his steps were steadier and he didn’t have to lean so much on Isak and Sammy. “Guys let’s have a sleepover!”

Isak looked at Sammy behind Even’s back, eyes wide. She nodded.

“How about I stay over? We can drink a lot of water and gossip.”

“But Isak needs to gossip too!”

“Neiiiii nei nei nei. You and Sammy are fine without me.”

Even whipped his head around to Isak, a sudden clarity in his eyes. “Will your boyfriend get angry?”

“Even.”

“It’s just a sleepover!”

“Let’s not talk about this.” It was Sammy’s turn to throw him wide eyes behind Even’s back. Isak just shook his head.

“You owe me for making you look so handsome tonight. Isn’t he handsome, Sammy? I ironed his shirt.”

“Yes it’s a very nice shirt, Even.”

“Guys can we get food? I’m hungry. Sulten. Jeg trenger maaaaaat.”

“You can speak Norwegian when you’re drunk. Great.”

“What did that mean again?” Sammy picked up one of her vocabulary words.

“Hungry. He needs food.”

“It might help.”

“Or he’ll vomit it all up.”

“Alright, I’ll see what he has in his kitchen.”

“Noooo, let’s go to the Trucks.” Even tried to steer them off the green toward Alexander Hall.

“Even please, I just want to get you home.” The idea of buying food reminded Isak of his wallet, and he leaned back again to see if Even had his in his back pocket. He could see a square bulk but then wondered about his phone. “Do you have your keys? Your phone?”

Even drew his arm off of Sammy and patted his pockets. Isak heard one of them jingle with the keys. Even pulled his phone out of his front pocket. “Selfie time!” Even struggled to unlock his screen while walking, but he eventually opened up the camera app and held out his arm. Sammy hopped and smiled, but Isak tried to move out of frame, letting go of Even. The camera caught him in a blur.

“Oh you’re in such a bad mood! What do I have to do to get a smile, hmm? Jesus fucking christ we’ve been walking for years.”

“We’re almost there, babe. Then we’ll put on pajamas and have our sleepover.”

They walked past Alexander Hall and the computer lab without too many more complaints from Even. They had to pause to high five a few other partiers making their way to Frat Row, but they made it back to the tower by 2 am. In the elevator Even slumped against the wall and let his body slide to the floor.

“Oh nooooo you don’t.” Isak hooked his hand under Even’s armpit and pulled him up.

“We can have our sleepover here. Just keep pressing buttons.” Even lunged for the panel and lit up everything above the tenth floor. Isak tugged him back and wrapped his arms around his chest, pinning Even’s arms to his sides.

“We’re never partying with engineers again,” he muttered into Even’s shoulder. Even fidgeted a bit.

“It’s not their fault.”

The doors opened on ten and Sammy punched the button to close them. “I have a feeling I’m going to pass out before he does.”

“If he’s still bouncing around, send him over. We can play FIFA or something.”

“You both sound like my parents.” 

Isak let go of Even and gave him a gentle shove forward. They were all quiet as the elevator reached their floor. Sammy took Even’s hand and they walked ahead of Isak to the apartment.

“Last chance for a sleepover, Isak. We’re going to make s’mores.” Even fished for his keys. Sammy shook her head.

“Maybe another time, Even. You should really get some sleep.”

“Oh, I don’t sleep.”

“Well, I do. I’ll see you in the morning, okay? Go drink some water.” Isak unlocked his own door and went inside.

No one else was home, and as he adjusted to being alone, it finally hit him how tired he was. If trying to keep up with Even was this exhausting, he couldn’t imagine what it was like to _be_ Even. He wished for both his and Sammy’s sake that they’d skip the s’mores, or whatever else Even had thought up in the last thirty seconds.

Isak started to walk back to his room, pulling off his plaid shirt, until he heard someone knock four times. He doubled back; it looked like Sammy needed help already.

But when he opened his door it was just Even, looking down, running his hand through his hair. “I told Sammy I was going to ask you for Gatorade.”

“Oh, uh, I don’t have Gatorade.”

Even looked up, eyes bright and a smile creeping up his cheeks. “I know.”

He stepped into Isak’s apartment, forcing Isak to stumble backward. Even reached out and grabbed his waist to steady him, and then pulled him closer. “You really do look so handsome in blue.”

Isak didn’t understand what Even was doing, but his body reacted like he did. With Even that close he had to tilt his head up, and he took in the details of Even’s face: the freckles that appeared out of nowhere, the long lashes that dusted his cheeks when he closed his eyes. He could feel Even’s warm breath when he spoke, and then the heat when he stopped, and then the press of a kiss that was both a surprise and not.

And then Isak didn’t understand what he was doing. He didn’t understand why his eyes fluttered closed, how his hands moved up to cradle Even’s jaw, how their mouths opened just a little bit, their lips moving apart and then together again. He didn’t understand how it was soft and hard at the same time, or how he knew that this first kiss wasn’t going to be the only one.

Because when Even pulled away, when he let his hands drop from Isak’s waist and grab for the door behind him, he was smiling. He was walking away but he was smiling, the way you do when you’ve done something good and you know it’s about to get even better. “Bisous.”


	9. Falafel

Sammy stopped by on her way out the next morning. “He finally fell asleep around 5 am. He was fucking wired. Wish I knew what happened between him not being able to stand up in the parking lot and then literally bouncing off the walls of his apartment.”

“Uh…me too.”

“But that’s Even I guess. Now he’ll disappear for weeks and life will go back to normal.”

“Really?”

“It’s his thing.” She waved it off like everyone knew. “Anyway, he was still sleeping when I left. Can you check on him later, make sure he’s still breathing? Text me if you need anything.”

“Sure. Thanks for hanging with him last night.”

“No problem. Danielle needed the room anyway.” Sammy winked and walked to the door. She paused with her hand on the knob though, thinking for a second before turning around.

“I should mention…”

“Hmm?”

“He is not a fan of your boyfriend. And maybe that was just the alcohol, but between us girls…watch out.”

Isak hoped she couldn’t tell how much he was blushing. He had spent the night thinking about how much trouble he was in already, and knowing Even was just as riled up wasn’t helping. Sammy winked again and then disappeared.

Isak checked the time on his phone, deciding to give Even another five hours before he went over for a visit. He would need to be prepared, so he retreated to his room to think.

* * *

He tried not to think about the kiss. Or at least he tried to just think about it from an outside perspective, not as one of the involved parties. Even though he had very much been involved and still wanted to be involved. The kiss had been a kiss but now it was a problem, and he needed to solve it before it could turn back into a kiss. So, Isak had flopped onto his bed, stared at the ceiling, and thought about kissing Even for five hours.

What a Sunday.

He was nervous when he finally walked over to #1221, pacing a bit in the twenty feet between their doors. He still hadn’t decided on what he would say, how to address the line they had crossed, or even if he _should_ address the line they had crossed. What if Even didn’t think he had crossed a line? Or what if he didn’t even remember? Maybe he had actually been riled up about something else, like arts ‘n’ crafts. He should’ve asked Sammy what else they talked about.

But it was too late now. If he stood there any longer someone was bound to come across him just staring at a door, and he was sure he looked suspicious. Isak squared his shoulders, took a deep breath, and knocked.

“One minute!” 

Isak couldn’t tell whose voice it was, but he waited. Jackson opened the door.

“Hey man.”

“Hey. Uh…Sammy told me to come over and check on Even. We had a rough night.”

“That’s…that’s who that chick was?” Jackson looked behind him as if she were still there. “I thought she was just another one of his um…guests.”

“Oh! No, I think we’re all just friends.”

“Cool. Well you can come in if you want but he’s definitely still sleeping. She left him water and a bucket, which…I didn’t know we had.”

“Ah, I won’t bother him. Let me know if you need anything though. I’ll be home.” Isak tipped his head back in the direction of his own door, before starting to turn away.

“Thanks, man. Will give a shout if something happens. Nice of you to check up on him though.”

Isak gave a half-hearted wave above his head and then he heard the door click shut. He stood there in the hallway facing his own door, in a bit of a shock. It felt like he had spent days cramming for a test, but when he showed up to take it, it was actually cancelled. He thought what was coursing through him was relief, not having to face Even, but he also knew that the longer he had to wait the harder the test was going to be.

* * *

Isak stood in line at the Trucks, scrolling through his texts. They were blue for days, short ones and long ones, links and emojis, completely unanswered. The last text he had received from Even was the one he sent before the party while Isak was in the shower: _Let’s gooooooooo_

He switched over to the phone app and tapped Even’s name yet again. He already knew Even wasn’t going to pick up, but he let it ring anyway. He listened to Even’s brief message, then hung up before saying anything. He stepped up in line.

“Spinach and mushroom please.”

“Name?”

“Ev…en.” Isak stuttered but didn’t correct himself.

“We’ll call you when it’s ready.”

Isak moved to the side to wait.

He had avoided going to Even’s apartment after that first attempt. He trusted that Jackson would’ve stopped by if something had actually gone wrong, so he let Even recover in peace. He texted him between classes on Monday, trying to bring it back to a more neutral territory with a casual joke and the lesser pressure of the phone, but no response. Isak checked his phone constantly but resisted texting again for another 24 hours. He had to be chill, had to play off the fact that the kiss was still burning him up inside.

On Tuesday, when Even wasn’t waiting on the steps of Isak’s lecture hall, Isak started to worry. He had seen Even in worse conditions yet still ready for a falafel, so it was strange when Even didn’t show to join him at the Trucks. That’s when he started calling.

And leaving messages.

And knocking on his door.

And wondering what he did wrong.

Because what else would explain this? As the days crept by and the silence got louder and the kiss started dissolving into memory, Isak wondered if that line they crossed was bigger than he thought. It was definitely Even who came over and walked in and kissed Isak, but maybe it was something that Even regretted. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to kiss Isak. Maybe Isak wasn’t supposed to have kissed back. Maybe Isak wasn’t supposed to have a boyfriend. Maybe this was Even saying all of that by not saying anything at all.

In all of his texts and voicemails Isak didn’t mention the kiss; it didn’t belong in a conversation that wasn’t face to face. He just kept asking Even how he was, where he was, throwing out invitations and gentle queries and eventually some memes when he started getting desperate.

“Even?”

And now, falafel.

Isak picked up the paper bag and walked back to the tower. He knew Even would be home now because he always had to go back to the apartment to change for his ballet class. This time when he knocked, he knew he’d get an answer. He ran the potential conversations through his head, trying not to project on what Even would say, but making sure he at least made sense. He wasn’t going to show up on the verge of tears because he felt like he’d been rejected, even though that’s how he woke up that morning. He had to be considerate and patient, to make sure Even was focused and willing to talk first. Otherwise Isak wasn’t going to get a straight answer.

In the elevator a text came through from Alex. _Remind me when your classes are on Mondays?_ Isak didn’t answer, clicking his phone dark, but Alex hung around in his head, the other part of the problem that he hadn’t solved yet. Of course, maybe he wouldn’t have to solve it. Maybe there wasn’t a problem. Maybe the kiss would dissolve completely, and Alex would go back to just being Alex.

Isak walked right up to Even’s door and raised his arm to knock, ripping off the bandage. He heard movement from inside the apartment, and that got him excited. But then Jackson answered the door again. The disappointment must’ve shown on Isak’s face.

“Fuck Isak, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, uh…nothing.” He tried to rearrange his face with a smile. “Is Even home? I brought him some lunch.” Isak held up the bag.

“Ah, man, he didn’t tell you? He had to go back home for the week. His mom came and picked him up.”

“What? No, he hasn’t been answering my messages. How can he go home? Doesn’t he have class?”

“I thought so too, but she said he was taking a break.”

“Shit, when did they leave?”

“Monday night. I mean he wasn’t looking so great, so this seems like a good thing, y’know? I’m sorry no one told you.”

“No, it’s okay. I was just getting worried since I hadn’t heard anything from him. Could…could you let me know when he gets back?”

He must have heard something in Isak’s voice, or maybe it was written on his face again, because Jackson softened against the door a bit. “Sure man, I’ll text you as soon as he gets back.”

“Thanks.” Isak turned to leave, but kept turning to face Jackson again. “Weird question, but do you know what his Instagram account is?”

“He has an Instagram account?”

“Never mind. I think maybe it was a joke.”

“Ah. Okay. See you around, Isak.” Jackson shut his door softly and Isak crossed the hall to his own. After all of that build up he was walking away with half of an answer and more questions than he started with. And a fucking falafel.

In the apartment Justin was on the couch watching FIFA play itself. Isak tossed him the bag. “What’s this?”

“Spinach and mushroom. I’m not hungry.”

He walked into his room and shut the door.

* * *

Over the next couple of days, Isak bounced around between feeling sorry for himself, worried about Even, and angry about the whole situation…and nothing else. One of his professors noticed how distracted he was during lab, and that made him even more upset about the whole situation. He couldn’t do anything about it until Even answered his calls or came back to campus, so Isak became determined to get over the whole thing and fast, before it started to affect his grades. Until he heard from Jackson, there wasn’t any point in thinking about it.

So he called Alex.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Distract me please.”

“It’s Friday night honey, surely there’s something going on over there?”

“Maybe. I’m just not feeling it. What are _you_ doing home?”

“Baby needs a break. And it just isn’t the same without you buying my drinks.”

“You love when guys buy you drinks.”

“It isn’t like in the old days…it’s a lot more work now.”

“Lazy ass.”

“Just come home and buy me drinks and everything will be back to normal.”

Isak looked around his room, wishing for normal, but not what Alex was talking about. That used to be what he wanted, to power through the semester and hop that one-way flight back to Norway. But then Even showed up across the hall and recalibrated his entire life. The new normal was this tall blond with legs for days and a mind to match, someone Isak was craving but didn’t realize it until he couldn’t get a taste of him every single day. And it wasn’t really about the kiss anymore. Or not totally. He just genuinely missed his friend, their long and winding conversations and their comfortable silences, his laughs that filled a room and made everything brighter. The way he asked about Isak’s homework with genuine interest and how he could connect with complete strangers with the smallest chat. He admired so much about this boy and it hurt that Even didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He had so much to say.

“You’re quiet.” Alex’s voice broke through.

“I…I think I’m starting to realize how much I’ll miss America when I move back.”

“Well, you’ve been living there for years. Even I’ll miss it. But we should visit! New York City! California! We can go back for one of those reunion things. Those are always dramatic.”

“That’s television, Alex.”

“Fuck I would make for great American television.” Isak could tell from Alex’s voice that he was already in a daydream, probably throwing shade with Kim over a light salad dinner.

“Anyway, we should start saving. Hurry up and get a job.” This made Isak laugh a little. “Is that enough of a distraction for you? The never-ending pressure to be instantly successful?”

“Yup, I’m distracted now. Feeling much better. Thanks.”

“Anything for you, honey.”

“Oh my god Anna just posted…ahhh! Look at her with her face mask!”

Isak opened Instagram to see what Alex was screaming about. It was just a selfie with her hair up and a mask on, but Alex couldn’t stop cackling into the phone.

“She looks like a serial killer. I need to snap her something. Wait, maybe I can do a mask too!”

“Are you still doing those?” Alex had been on a moisturizing kick back in the fall.

“Not as often now but I think I have some left in the bathroom.”

“Well I’ll leave you to that, okay? I’m going to go see what the guys are up to.”

“Alright babe. We’ll talk next week. Love you.” Alex clicked off in a hurry now that he was on a mission. Isak tossed his phone onto his desk. Alex had provided a nice distraction but he felt himself sliding right back to where he had been before the call.

Hungry.


	10. Sleepover

When Jackson’s name popped up on his screen, Isak’s whole body jolted. His knees cracked against the underside of his desk and a bunch of heads turned, but he didn’t care. Before he even opened the text, Isak had packed up his bag and left the classroom. For all he knew Jackson was texting him about a party, but he had been waiting so long for a signal from Even that it didn’t matter. He was running.

By the time he reached #1221 he was out of breath. Isak fanned his shirt and brushed the sweat at his temples back into his hair. In all of the potential reunion scenes he had thought up none had him this disheveled, but now that it was actually happening he certainly wasn’t going to be calm about it. It had been almost two whole weeks and taking the time to change his shirt was only going to make it longer.

Jackson opened the door but held a hand up to Isak’s chest before he could enter. “He’s still pretty down,” Jackson said quietly. “But he needs to talk to you. Just don’t…push him, okay? That’s what his mom said. He’s still adjusting to some new things and doesn’t need added pressure.”

“She talked to you?”

“Yeah, she had to explain some things. But I’ll tell you later.” Jackson stepped aside then, letting Isak enter and pointing to which door was Even’s. Isak kicked off his shoes.

Even had been right; their apartments were very similar, just the opposite layout. Even’s door was the mirror equivalent of Isak’s, and it felt both strange and familiar walking to it. He knocked four times. A quiet “Yeah,” came from inside.

Even was sitting cross-legged at the head of his bed, his back against the wall. He was wearing a grey hoodie and black sweatpants, covered in the university logo. If he didn’t look so quiet you’d think he was about to go front row at a football game. He turned his head to look at Isak as he entered, but then he slowly turned back to the window, looking out at nothing in particular.

Isak didn’t wait for an invitation. He dropped his bag at the door and climbed onto the bed next to Even. He pushed himself back until he was against the wall and matched Even’s position. Instead of looking out the window though, he watched Even’s profile. He watched Even’s eyes move about the clouds, searching for something. He watched Even’s jaw clench and relax around words unspoken. He reached out and took Even’s hand, threading his fingers through Even’s and drawing his arm into his own lap. Even’s hand was cold, so Isak wrapped his other hand around it too. He dropped his head onto Even’s shoulder, settling in against his friend’s side, trying to share his warmth.

And so they sat.

Isak had run a thousand conversations through his head, but in the end they didn’t say anything. He just held his hand, running his thumb over Even’s, feeling his bones. His head rose and fell with Even’s deep breaths, and that was enough, for now, to just feel his presence next to him. They didn’t need to talk yet.

They sat there until the sun went down and the room went dark. When Even started to see his reflection in the window he turned away and rested his cheek on top of Isak’s head. He stared at his door instead. Whatever was out there drifted away because they could just focus on the boy next to them, the soft friction of their hands and the rise and fall of their chests, their bodies doing what they needed to do to keep going.

Around 10 pm Isak nudged his head off of Even’s shoulder, shifting them both upright. “I’m going to get food. Are you hungry?”

Even shook his head. Isak untangled their fingers and reached across Even to grab his keys off of his desk.

“I’ll be back soon.” He waited to make eye contact with Even before he stood up, needing confirmation that he still heard him. When Even finally did, drawing his eyes up slowly and connecting, Isak felt a surge of confidence, a sense of peace about the near future. For so long everything felt unknown, but now he knew that Even wasn’t going to disappear again. As faint as he felt, he at least wasn’t going to disappear.

* * *

He was going to get pizza, but stopped at a hole-in-the-wall Thai joint on the way instead, ordering some egg rolls, pad thai, and shrimp with yellow curry. He believed Even when he said he wasn’t hungry, even though they hadn’t eaten for twelve hours, but he couldn’t help but get enough for the both of them. He grabbed some bottles of water and Gatorade too. He paid and practically ran back to the tower, feeling the campus ramp up for their Friday night and not wanting any part of it.

He let himself into the apartment, making a beeline for Even’s door, but stopping when he noticed Even’s roommate on the couch.

“Are you Isak?”

“Yeah, hey.”

“I’m Chris. Glad to finally meet you.” They shook hands. “Are you going to hang around this weekend?”

“Um, probably? Not totally sure what’s happening but I don’t want him to be alone.”

“Totally get it. He didn’t want to talk much when I came home but Jackson said you’ve been with him for a while. I’m just going to grab a bag in a bit so I can crash at my girlfriend’s, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. You don’t need to go though. We’re not doing anything.”

“Nah, it’s not that. I mean you do you, but it’s just weird when he’s so quiet.”

“Oh.” Isak looked over at Even’s room, worried Even could hear. “Well yeah, maybe you should be somewhere else then.”

Chris threw up a peace sign, dismissing Isak.

“Okaaaay.” Isak spun on his heels and continued on, understanding the whole roommate situation now. 

He opened Even’s door slowly and squeezed in, trying to keep the hallway light out in case Even had fallen asleep. He hadn’t though; he was still sitting on his bed where Isak had left him. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Can I turn on the light?” Even shook his head, but leaned over to switch on his desk lamp. The softer glow filled the room, and Isak walked over to the desk. Even pushed aside his laptop so Isak could place the food down.

“I got us some Thai. I might eat all of it.”

“I’m really not hungry.” Even’s voice was hoarse with disuse.

“Then I _will_ eat all of it.” Isak unpacked the food, handing Even one of the plastic forks anyway.

“Thank you though.”

“Oh, and here’s that Gatorade you were looking for.”

Even smirked and let out a small huff, taking the bottle. Isak took that as a giant win and smiled wide. He pulled out Even’s chair and sat down, digging in.

Isak ate in silence, occasionally glancing at Even but trying to be as relaxed as possible, like this was any other Friday night during the semester. Even fiddled with the fork.

“I uh, met your roommate out there. He’s going to grab some things and stay with his girlfriend this weekend.”

Even nodded.

“He’s not very kind, is he.” It wasn’t a question Even had to answer. “Like I get why Ryan got caught.”

Even looked at the door, then back at Isak, a nervousness bubbling up that made him shift around. It felt like he was going to say something, so Isak kept quiet to let him have the floor. But he didn’t. He twisted open the Gatorade and took a small sip. Isak kept eating.

Chris came in a few minutes later, grabbing his backpack from his chair and stuffing some clothes into it. “See you guys on Monday.” He threw up another peace sign then slammed the door behind him. Even flipped him off, and Isak laughed at the sudden burst of emotion.

“I’m starting to wonder if you actually enjoy playing FIFA or if you just want to hang out with different roommates.”

“Different roommates. We should trade.”

“As much as I’d love to be your roommate, I would never do that to Justin.”

“That’s nice of you.”

Isak gave a sharp nod of acknowledgement, then went back to eating. He wanted to keep Even talking but wasn’t sure how, and it didn’t really matter what he wanted anyway. If Even didn’t want it, then he didn’t want it, so he ate and waited and ate some more.

It’s a good thing he was so hungry.

When he had plowed through the pad thai and half of the shrimp, Isak gave up. Even had snapped the tines off of the plastic fork and made a little pile on the desk, dedicating his focus to getting the tines to stand up in the shape of a teepee. “I’m going to put the rest in the fridge.” Even nodded. Isak packed up the food and carried his trash out to the kitchen.

Their fridge was almost completely empty save for a few Styrofoam containers that Isak didn’t dare open. He made a mental note to pick up some food for Even; surely he’d get hungry eventually and would need something other than everyone else’s leftovers. Isak left his bag on the top shelf, separating it from the others. Then he went to the bathroom and washed his hands, feeling his evening routine start to kick in. He was about to reach for his toothbrush at the sink when he remembered he wasn’t actually in his apartment.

He popped his head into Even’s room. “Hey, I’m go—.”

“Will you stay with me?” Even interrupted him.

From this distance, Isak at the door and Even on his bed, Even looked small. He had crossed his legs again and pulled his pillow onto his lap, letting his head fall back against the wall. The question lingered in his eyes, not quite a beg but still a need.

“Yes. Of course. I’m just going to go back and brush my teeth, okay?”

“Okay.”

Isak patted his pockets for both his and Even’s keys, then rushed back to his place. Justin was already in bed when he walked in, but still scrolling on his phone. “Quiet night, huh?”

“I’m cutting back.”

Isak changed out of his jeans into basketball shorts and threw on a sweatshirt, transferring the keys and his phone to his front pocket. He grabbed his pillow too.

“Uh…sleeping somewhere else tonight?”

“Oh, yeah. Even’s back so I’m going to stay at his place.”

Justin scrunched his forehead. “Did I miss something?”

“Not sure. All I know is that my good friend went missing for two weeks and he doesn’t want to be alone right now, so….”

Justin shrugged and went back to his phone. Isak spun out of the room and went to the vanity for his toothbrush. Looking in the mirror at himself holding his pillow, it hit him that he was actually going to have a sleepover. He laughed at himself and pulled out his phone to take a selfie, texting it to Sammy: _#sleepover with your boo_

She replied instantly: _#sleepover with YOUR boo. he’s back?_

Isak tucked the pillow under his arm and texted with one hand while he brushed his teeth with the other. _not 100% but we’ll see_

When he was done he shut off the lights, closing the door on his world and walking back into Even’s. A quiet night indeed.

Even was still sitting up when Isak returned. “Please tell me you’re tired.”

“I’m always tired.”

“Then you can join me in my food coma.” Isak climbed back onto the bed and started tugging at Even’s comforter, forcing Even to move to the outside edge of the bed.

“You brought a pillow.”

“You want me to sleep over, I’m going to fucking sleep over. Get under the blanket.” They both shimmied into the too-small space of the single bed, trying to get comfortable without touching each other. Isak quickly realized how ridiculous they were being though, and he twisted onto his side to face Even. He reached up over his head to turn off the desk lamp.

“I texted Sammy that we were having a sleepover without her.”

Isak could see the smallest of smiles in the dark. “Was she mad?”

“Just the right amount.”

Isak took Even’s hand in his own again, pulling it up under his pillow. “You can let go if you want.”

“No.”

* * *

"Isak?"

"Mmmm." The voice dragged him out of sleep, slowly at first, but then Isak snapped awake when his brain caught up. "Are you okay? What time is it?" The room was a little lighter, and Even had shifted closer to him in the night, their hands still intwined underneath Isak's head. His pillow was lower than Isak's though, and he was looking up at him.

"It's a little after 5. Can we talk?"


	11. Questions

Even withdrew his hand from Isak’s, drawing it close and tucking it under his own head.

“You snore.”

“Excuse me?” Isak had been ready for a serious talk, for an explanation, for a discussion, and Even staring at him so closely made him nervous. But what was this?

“Your mouth falls open and then it’s just this heav—“

“No, wait. Did you wake me up at 5 am to tell me that I snore? Faen, Even.”

“Actually I woke you up at 5 am to tell you that I’m bipolar and that you snore.” Even gave a slight smile, then looked away, at the wall above Isak’s head, at Isak’s t-shirt, then down to the small space between them.

Isak did not disguise his shock very well. “Can…can you repeat that please,” he whispered.

“I woke you up at 5 am to tell you that I’m bipolar,” Even whispered back.

“Okay. Okay. Okay.” Isak filled the silence while he processed Even’s statement. 

Except he couldn’t process the statement because he didn’t know what it meant. Even was speaking yet another language.

“What…what do you mean?”

Even drew in a deep breath. “I mean that I have a disorder that causes changes in my mood. A mind disorder. A heart disorder. An everything disorder.”

“Is that why you left?”

“It’s why my mom picked me up, yes. I crashed after the party and needed to adjust my treatment before it got worse.”

“Are you feeling better now?” Isak’s mind was going into analysis mode. If Even had different moods, that meant he had extremes, so Isak wanted to plot where he was on that scale. But the way Even was curling up into himself, chewing on his answers, told Isak that he wasn’t getting all of the information he needed to look at this objectively. And maybe he wasn’t supposed to.

“I guess it depends on what you mean by ‘better.’”

“That depends on what you mean by ‘worse.’”

“Hmm. Okay. Maybe it’s not me feeling better, exactly, but…I feel _more_ right now. And that might change soon. You might start noticing it now, if we keep hanging out. But I woke you up because I started feeling like I wanted to talk to you. And I hadn’t felt like that over the past two weeks.”

“Oh really?” Isak couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but he was relieved when Even smiled.

“You noticed that, huh.”

“It was just a bit of a shock, not being able to talk to you. And after the….”

“Yeah, the party didn’t help. I shouldn’t drink too much.”

Isak let his set-up slide. “I’m just realizing now that you really didn’t drink much until that night.”

“I was being good…for a while.”

“So…are you not supposed to drink?”

“I’m not supposed to do a lot of things.”

Isak waited for Even to elaborate, but he didn’t. Instead he wiggled a bit, pulling the comforter up over his shoulder.

“I just…I need to be the one who makes those decisions, okay? I'm the one doing what I need to do.” He glanced up at Isak.

“Yes. Yes, of course.”

Isak felt like he had made a mistake, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. He wanted to apologize for…something. For whatever made Even react that way, whatever made Even ask for that control. He wanted to take back what had been done to Even and stop it from ever happening again.

“Thank you. You can go back to sleep now.”

“That’s it?”

“No. But it’s enough for now.”

Even drew his arm out slowly, bringing his hand up to Isak’s face. With the lightest touch he dragged his fingers down Isak’s forehead and over his eyes. Isak closed them, and the sensation of not being able to see Even, just feel him, made him smile. Even’s fingers continued down, over his cheeks, nose, lips, and chin, floating away at the edge of his face.

“When I couldn’t sleep my mom used to tell me that closing my eyes was half the battle. She wouldn’t read me a story or let me climb into bed, she’d walk me back to my room and make sure I just closed my eyes. I hate that it always worked.”

As much as he wanted to open his eyes again, as much as he wanted to listen to Even talk and memorize this version of him, Isak kept them closed. He would fight that battle for him.

* * *

Isak slept for a few more hours. Even didn’t. When he woke up he crawled over Even to get to the bathroom. Jackson came out of his own room while he was washing his hands.

“Are you guys up?”

“I think so. He didn’t sleep though.”

“Ah, right. Well let me know if you want to grab breakfast?”

“Sure.”

Isak went back into the bedroom and found Even still under the covers, but on his other side and facing the door. Isak sat down on the floor next to the bed, eye-level with him. “Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Do you want to go get breakfast? Jackson is going.”

“No.”

“Are you hungry?”

Even looked up at the ceiling, thinking. It looked like he had to remember he had a body, that it might be sending messages he wasn’t receiving. “I don’t think so. I don’t really feel like going out anyway.”

“Okay. I’m going to take your ID then and use your swipes.”

“Please.”

Isak leaned forward a bit, and he realized he was about to kiss Even on the cheek just like he would with Alex. It was a reflex that felt natural until his conscience got in the way, until he remembered his boyfriend and the fact that he was not the guy in front of him right now. He played off the leaning in as an awkward way of standing up, putting his weight on the mattress to exaggerate his movement.

He hadn’t thought about Alex for a while, but now that he was on his mind he noticed that Alex felt distant too. Their snap streak ended and they were down to just the weekly call, and they both gave vague excuses for not being in touch. School, life, you know.

Isak opened Even’s wallet on his desk and pulled out his school ID. His photo was quite faded but Isak could make out the straightforward stare, the slight smirk and direct look that would make anyone go weak. Even on plastic Even could see into your soul.

“Back soon.”

“Mmm.”

Isak went out to the living room where Jackson was sitting on the couch, still in his t-shirt and plaid pajama pants. “Even’s tired but I’m stealing his swipes. Wanna go?”

“Definitely.” Jackson hopped up and grabbed his jacket from the hook on the back of the door. Isak glanced back at the bedroom door while he shoved his feet into his shoes, and then he followed Jackson into the hallway.

* * *

“So…what did he tell you?” They had walked to the dining hall and piled their plates up with waffles and eggs. Jackson had doused his in maple syrup and was making a mess of his tray. The girls at the other end of their table kept shooting them looks.

“He told me he was bipolar. Is bipolar. And he had to take a break from school to adjust his medication. We actually didn’t talk too much…he stayed quiet. I wanted to ask more but didn’t push him, like you said.”

Jackson nodded hard as he chewed.

“What did his mom tell you?”

“Just to…be aware of him. Notice if his mood starts to shift. Like looking back on what happened, yeah we can tell when he was all amped up. Chris said he would barely sleep, staying up on his computer, going out at weird times. But we didn’t like, ask him about it. I guess we just laughed it off, like he’s just the new wild roommate.”

“Are we supposed to do anything?”

“No, I think that was the whole ‘no pressure’ thing. He’s an adult and he’s trying to manage his mental illness, like hovering over him isn’t going to help. It kind of felt like his mom didn’t want to be there either. Like she was a last resort having to swoop in like that.”

Isak felt bad then, for busting into their apartment and planting himself next to Even. After all, it wasn’t Even who contacted him about being back, it was Jackson. Maybe he was so quiet because Isak was being overbearing. On the other hand, Even did ask him to stay over, and he wanted to talk…a little bit. Isak was still confused, and he didn’t like being so in the dark. He wanted to ask questions, he wanted to raise his hand and rattle off a whole list, but he couldn’t figure out how to do it without adding pressure and making things worse.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Are you guys like…seeing each other?”

“Dating?”

Jackson nodded and Isak shook his head at the same time.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to assume.”

“No, it’s fine. We’re….” Isak realized that he couldn’t explain what they were doing. They were flirting, they were sleeping, they were touching. But what was the name for that? “I just care about him a lot.”

“It shows, Isak. And he cares about you too. I know he’s not talking much right now but before…damn. Isak this, Isak that. I would’ve bet y’all were together.”

“I have a boyfriend,” Isak spit out, before he could stop himself. “He’s in Norway.” Another reflex.

Jackson dropped his fork. “Oh.”

“And I kissed Even.” Now it was just word vomit.

“Uh…”

“Sorry, that was too much. I just…gah…it happened right before he left and I haven’t talked to anyone about it and there are just too many unanswered questions right now.” Isak talked down at the remainder of his waffle.

“Dude, yeah. That’s a lot. Um. Hah. I don’t know what to say.”

“You can just ignore it. Fuck.”

The girls cleared their trays.

“That really complicates things, huh.”

“It was stupid.” Isak shook his head, frustrated with himself for what he did and for what he was saying, because none of it was right. And he didn’t like that he had let himself think otherwise for the last two weeks.

“Was it?”

“Was it?”

“Yeah, was it really stupid? You just said you really care about him, and I think he cares about you, so…maybe it wasn’t as bad as you think?”

Isak couldn’t believe he was talking about this with Jackson, the party bro and beer pong competition. He barely talked about his boyfriend with his roommates, so spilling secrets about his crush to Jackson was coming out of nowhere. But maybe that’s what happens when you keep secrets for too long.

And Jackson was being pretty reasonable about it.

“I don’t know what your relationship with your boyfriend is like, but I wouldn’t let that dismiss your emotions. Does he know about it?”

“Nooooo. He just thinks Even is my neighbor.”

“Dang, son. I’d press pause on trying to talk to Even and talk to your boyfriend first.” Jackson mopped up the syrup with the last bit of his waffle.

“But what if it doesn’t matter? What if it turns into nothing and I’ve just broken up with Alex for no reason?”

“Okay I’m not trying to be rude here, but it kind of sounds like you’re looking for a reason to break up with…Alex? Alex. Like you’re waiting for Even to become a valid justification for a break-up that you already want.”

“I don’t want to break up with Alex.”

“But do you want to be _with_ him?”

Isak’s mind went blank. This was when he was supposed to say yes, of course, he was going to go back to Norway and be with Alex, that was the goal here. But that answer wasn’t there. Nothing was. Isak hadn’t been able to solve the problem of the kiss because he hadn’t been asking himself the right question. And now, apparently, Jackson had.

After a solid twenty seconds of letting his mouth hang open, Isak just shrugged.

“Well I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that, so uh…let’s just grab some food for Even and head out.”

They both stood, bussing their trays. Isak swiped Even’s card again in exchange for a to-go container and filled it up with a bunch of random food. He was too distracted by Jackson’s question to focus on what he was doing, but maybe there’d be something in the mix to tempt Even anyway.

On their walk back to the tower they were mostly silent, as Isak searched for an answer and Jackson left him to it.

“Are you in a relationship?” Isak finally asked as they swiped into their lobby.

“No sir. Keeping it really casual. Except when it comes to other people’s relationships.” Jackson threw him a smile.

“Appreciate it, thanks.”

“Hey man, just trying to give you some perspective. Telling it like I see it.”

“Yeah, no, I know. I just clearly wasn’t ready for it.”

“Who the fuck is ready for anything though, right? As soon as you know what’s going to happen, it’s already boring anyway.”

Isak didn’t mind boring. Sometimes he liked it. He liked the security of it, the satisfaction of expectations met, the future he could plan for, and the Tuesday afternoon phone call. There were no questions with Alex, just answers.

But as he walked back into someone else’s apartment, as he offered food to him and returned his ID to his wallet and sat next to him on his bed and let a million questions flood into his mind, Isak realized he was ready. He’d been ready.

For that kiss.

For this.


	12. A New Line

Saturday bled into Sunday. Isak left for food, for a shower, for his laptop, but always came back to Even in bed. They talked a little but mostly didn’t. They slept a little but mostly didn’t. Time moved fast and slow, becoming unrecognizable.

“Chris just texted. Said he’ll be back tomorrow morning at 9:30.” Even dropped his phone onto his desk with a clatter. He was in his usual spot sitting up against the wall, supported by their pillows. Isak was in the desk chair working on yet another essay.

“That’s quite specific.”

“Probably wants to make sure we’re not naked when he needs to get into the room.”

Isak snapped his head up at Even. “Does that happen a lot?”

Even shrugged. “He’s seen some stuff.”

“I really do appreciate all the things I’ve learned about you this weekend.” Isak was joking but there must’ve been a slight sour tone in his voice; Even tilted his head.

“Not like that. I’m not parading people through here.”

“I’m not judging even if you were.” Isak threw up his hands.

“I will admit I get flirty, but that’s just poor impulse control. It’s pretty difficult to go beyond that anyway.”

“You uh…managed to kiss me.” And just like that, Isak dragged the elephant into the room.

“Well that was easy.” Even smiled, but it was restrained, and almost turned into a cringe. Isak watched his eyes cloud over and slide away, but it still didn’t prepare him for what Even said next. “I’m sorry about that.”

The wave of guilt rushing off of Even nearly knocked Isak over. He pushed himself away from the desk, away from Even, as he absorbed what Even meant. Very quickly he took in the hurt and let the pain boil over into anger. Then came the fear and the doubt, but above all reigned confusion.

Before he could settle on a single reaction, he had to ask: “Are you sure?”

He stared at Even, not saying anything else until he looked back at him. Isak let the silence demand it.

“Am I sure about what?”

“That you’re sorry. That you regret it.”

“Maybe I don’t regret it, but it was…unfair. And I shouldn’t have done that. I do a lot of things that I shouldn’t do when I’m manic. And I do feel sorry for that.”

“Why was it unfair?”

Even wrinkled his forehead. “Because you have a boyfriend.”

“What if I didn’t?”

Even finally looked at him. “But you do.”

Isak opened his mouth to say something, still intending to refuse Even’s guilt, but he couldn’t deny it. So rarely is there a truth, and when it appears, it’s never what you want.

“I understand what happened between us but it’s not going to happen again. You are in a relationship and I…I’m still desperately trying to get back in control of my life. So it’s better if we’re just friends, okay? You’ve been very nice and patient and supportive, and I am very grateful for that. And I don’t want to complicate things further. So I will be nice. And patient. And supportive.”

Whatever line they had crossed weeks ago didn’t matter anymore, because there was a new one. Isak looked across it at Even, who had shrunk down against the wall, seemingly exhausted from the effort it took to draw that line, to distance himself.

“I think I need to go.”

This did not shock Even. He had been waiting for it. He gave a small nod.

“I just…I have to get this essay done before my shift tomorrow.” Isak stood up, shutting his laptop.

“I understand.”

“I’ll text you.” Isak picked up his backpack and slung it over his shoulder, then unplugged his laptop and swept it off the desk. He walked out, quietly shutting Even’s door behind him.

In the living room Jackson was hunched over some Chinese food, putting in a solid effort with a pair of chopsticks. “Hey. Have you been in there this whole time?”

“Uh, yeah. But I need to take a break. Chris said he’d be back tomorrow morning.”

Jackson dangled a noodle into his mouth, then nodded while he chewed. “You guys were quiet.”

“All the noise is up here.” Isak tapped at his temple. He bent over to put his shoes on, debating whether or not he wanted to talk to Jackson about what just happened, to update him on the situation. But then he just decided to retreat. “I’m going to be busy with work and class this week, but I’ll try to stop by sometime. Let me know if anything changes with him.”

“Will do.”

Isak left the apartment, feeling a little disoriented when he was back out in the hallway and facing his own door. It had only been a couple of days, but it felt like years had passed and he didn’t know what the rest of the world would look like once he stepped back into it. He almost knocked on his own door before he remembered his keys.

Justin was in the kitchen, turning off the stove just as Isak walked in. “He returns!”

“I was here yesterday.”

“Whatever man. I’m so used to you being here all the time so it was strange.” Justin grabbed an oven mitt and lifted the pot, carrying it as he walked back to their bedroom. Isak followed.

“No bowl, huh?”

“One less thing to wash when I’m done.”

They both sat on their respective beds, Justin diving into his neon macaroni & cheese with the wooden spoon. Isak realized he forgot his pillow. He fell backward and let out a deep a sigh.

“That doesn’t sound too good.”

“I have an essay due in 24 hours and a shift that starts in ten.”

“So staying with Even has been going well?”

“It’s distracting I guess. Had to keep reminding myself that tomorrow is Monday.”

“You can’t see my face but my eyes are pretty wide right now.”

Isak raised his head and took in Justin’s expression, silently asking if what Isak meant by “distracting” was what he was thinking. Isak dropped his head with another sigh. “Nothing is going on. We are…”—he raised his arms in the air and made exaggerated finger quotes—“…just friends. Best buddies.”

“Ah.”

For a while the only noise was the mush of noodles and cheese as Justin ate from the pot. Isak stared at the ceiling, feeling whiplash from the range of emotions that had burned through him within the last 30 minutes. Everything had been going so well, just being with Even, readjusting, and then it turned into a whirlwind as soon as he mentioned the kiss. Now he was right back where he started two weeks ago.

“Have you ever broken up with someone?” Isak asked the ceiling. He heard the spoon hit the pot.

“High school girlfriend.”

“What did you say?”

“My high school girlfriend.”

Isak raised himself up on his elbows. “No, I mean what did you say to break up with her?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Why did you break up with her?”

“We were going to different schools and didn’t want to do the long distance thing.”

Isak let his body collapse back onto the bed. “A little late for that excuse.”

“Can you just tell him you’re falling in love with someone else?” 

“I’m not—“

Except he was. He hadn’t expected Justin to read him so quickly and state it so plainly, but there was that truth again. The way Justin had said it sounded like it had been the easiest thing in the world, something that just happened every day and moved as effortlessly as time. And of course now that he looked back on it that’s exactly what was happening. He was falling in love, and it was the easiest thing in the world.

A small smile crept up onto Isak’s face before he realized what this meant: breaking up with Alex was going to be difficult. Explaining to Alex why it was so easy falling in love with someone else meant explaining to Alex that he had fallen out of love with him. Or if not that, then why there was space for him to love someone else. And convincing Alex that it wasn’t his fault.

“Is it that obvious?”

“It’s so obvious that I forget about him sometimes. Or at least I forget that Even isn’t your boyfriend, and that Alex is.”

Isak lifted his head again. “Me too.” A truth.

“Out of sight, out of mind I suppose.”

“It shouldn’t be that easy though.”

“Yeah, but that means you know it’s over. And like…if Alex hasn’t been freaking out about your distance, then maybe he knows it too.”

Isak ran his hands down his face and let out a groan. “I can’t believe I’m lying here wishing my boyfriend would break up with me.”

“I know it’s really easy for me to say because I’m not actually in your position, but just like, buck up dude. Call Alex and tell him. You’re both good guys and neither of you deserve this half-life.”

“I know I know I know. I’m just being a coward.”

“I wouldn’t say you’re being a coward. You just don’t want to hurt anyone. But like, not breaking up with Alex will just hurt him more in the long run, y’know? Same with you. It hurts now but it’ll hurt more later.”

How Isak had so many single friends with great relationship advice, he didn’t understand. Meanwhile his almost-two-year long-distance relationship was about to evaporate into thin air.

“It just…doesn’t seem like the right thing to do over Facetime.”

“Worse things have happened over Facetime. And you're not flying back to Norway any time soon. Want me to give you some privacy?”

“No. It’s too late to call him now. I’ll…do it tomorrow.”

Justin shrugged and scooped out some more macaroni. Isak rolled over onto his stomach and opened his laptop. He really did have to finish his essay, falling in love or no.

* * *

Isak picked up a couple of extra shifts at the student center that week, anything to keep himself busy and out of the apartment. Even kept texting him updates, going to some classes and bailing on others, and showing him pictures of the food he was eating. It was comforting to Isak, seeing Even taking care of himself, but every time he received a message it just reminded him that he still hadn’t talked to Alex.

Alex had cancelled their Tuesday call because he too was busy. Isak was relieved at first, but then realized this was just delaying the inevitable. Maybe Alex _did_ know. Maybe they were avoiding each other for the same reason. Maybe Alex found someone in Norway that he was falling in love with, and he was terrified by the realization that you can love more than one person.

Because that was the nuance that had dominated Isak’s thoughts, the fact that he wasn’t falling out of love with anyone. He still very much loved Alex, loved all that they had experienced together, that slice of Norway that he kept close to his heart. During slow periods on his shift he would scroll back through his camera roll and stare fondly at the boy he had been with. The boy he knew and trusted and loved. He remembered how he and Alex fit together, how Alex’s slightly smaller yet stockier body moved against his and drew him in like a magnet. How his black hair felt between his fingers and the texture of his skin whenever, however they touched. It still made him smile, thinking about the life they had across the ocean.

Besides, what would happen once he had to move back? Maybe Even had insisted on being just friends because he saw the reality of the situation, that there wasn’t a point in starting something that would have to end so soon. After all, he had said he wanted to be supportive. During all that time they had spent together being quiet, Even had actually been seeing the bigger picture. He had stepped back because that’s what they needed. It's what would make tomorrow and the next day and the next easier to face, if those futures remained untouched.

A guy dropped a pack of Red Bull and beef jerky on the counter, whipping a credit card out of his wallet. Isak slid his phone back into his pocket.

“Do you need a bag?”

“Nah.”

Isak rang up the purchases and handed him the receipt. Once he left the place was empty again, just Isak and the jumble of arguments pulling him in different directions. He missed the days when life was as simple as trying to figure out how to get beer for the next party or finishing lab work behind the counter.

A text came in from Alex. _Call on Monday? When are you in your room?_

_11 – 15 my time._

_See you at 11._


	13. Fine

After his shift on Friday Isak walked slowly back to his apartment. He’d been watching the texts between his roommates about their party plans but wasn’t feeling up to joining, so he was dragging his feet. All that was ahead of him was some kind of mediocre dinner, maybe a beer or two, and running his break-up speech through his head until he fell asleep.

He swiped into the tower and waited for the elevator, already feeling the day’s energy seep out of him. When the doors opened though, the sight of Even sent a burst of adrenaline surging through his body. He hopped into the elevator, unable to control his smile. “Hei!”

“Hello.”

Isak noticed he was holding his laptop. “Oh sorry, did you need to get out?”

“No, I’m heading back up.”

“Ah. Laundry.” The door slid shut and with a small shake they began to ascend.

“Yup.”

“Are you feeling another episode coming on?” Isak leaned against the wall next to Even.

“No, just taking some time to focus on work. I still have a lot to catch up on, and Chris is still being weird. But I’m done for the night.”

“Well that’s nice.”

“Going out tonight?”

“Noooo. Chiller hjemme.”

“I would’ve thought you’d want to get out this weekend, since we didn’t do anything last weekend.” Even pushed himself off the wall as the door opened onto their floor, leading them both out into the hallway.

“It’s just been a long week. I’m pretty tired.”

Even spun around and walked backward for a few steps, but then stopped. “You’ve been keeping busy.”

Isak heard the subtext loud and clear, but he shrugged as if he hadn’t. He walked around Even, avoiding his eyes and shifting his backpack on his shoulder.

“Isak.”

Isak stopped and let his head fall forward, somehow exhausted again. He turned slowly, and took Even in, standing alone in the hallway.

“This wasn’t what I meant. I didn’t want you to run away.”

“Run away? I’m running away?” He could feel the anger he had been avoiding all week bubbling up again.

“If I had clocked you leaving on Sunday I swear it would’ve been your personal best. And then I literally don’t see you until today, and you barely answer my texts.”

Before he could think, Isak said it: “How does it feel?”

The sting of poison in Isak’s rhetorical question hit Even so hard that his mouth fell open. They were silent in the hallway, the only sound coming from the elevator passing their floor on another trip.

Isak stood his ground, staring at Even and not letting himself retract his jab. It was the only way he could express his pain, by inflicting it on someone else.

Then Even found his voice. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“What _did_ you mean, Even? What _do_ you want?” Isak was getting louder. He was gathering strength, the bubbling of his anger turning into a wind-up. Even could tell, and even from a distance he could feel the tension rising in Isak’s shoulders.

He chose his words carefully and said them slowly, trying to diffuse a bomb. “I want a lot of things, Isak. But most importantly I want to be friends.”

“Friends?” Isak let his bag drop to the ground as he suddenly advanced, taking just three long steps to get right into Even’s face. “You want to be friends? Then don’t fucking kiss me.”

Even couldn’t help but laugh at Isak, at how his anger made him explode, but the explosion ended up being just the cutest thing he had seen. He knew he was supposed to be afraid of the anger but he was simply relieved, relieved that Isak wasn’t afraid to approach. He brought his hands up to Isak’s face, pressing his thumbs to the wrinkles at the edges of Isak’s eyes. “Then don’t make it so fucking easy.”

Even dropped his hands and unclipped Isak’s keys from his belt loop. “Come on, let’s go play FIFA.” In one swift move he scooped Isak’s bag up off of the floor and walked the rest of the way to Isak’s door, not waiting for him to catch up.

* * *

Isak _was_ exhausted, from the long week of work and the mix of emotions after seeing Even again, and then the fact that their confrontation had quickly turned into playing FIFA for four hours, right back to the way they were. The beers weren’t helping him either. He stole a look at Even next to him on the couch, marveling at the level of concentration and alertness. Even took this opportunity of distraction to score a goal.

“Fuck it, I’m done.” Isak tossed his controller onto the coffee table.

“No, we have to keep playing so Phillip can see me winning!”

“It’s only midnight, they won’t be back for a while. I’m literally going to fall asleep.”

“I can still win if you’re sleeping.” Even reached for the controller.

“This is all your fault you know. I haven’t been sleeping well because you stole my pillow.”

“Stole your pillow?” Even paused the game and twisted to look at Isak. “Are you kidding me?”

“Do you or do you not still have my pillow?”

“Did you or did you not leave it in my bed?”

“Whatever. Give me back my pillow so I can go to sleep.”

Even shook his head as he stood up. “Next you’ll be asking for a bedtime story.”

Even walked out of the apartment, throwing the deadbolt on the door so he wouldn’t get locked out. Isak dragged himself off of the couch and gathered his empties, a slow attempt to clean up with the last of his energy. He was very much looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday, grateful that his shift didn’t start until the afternoon. He turned off the Playstation and TV, then the lights, shuffling back to his bedroom.

He was almost to his bed when something soft thumped the back of his head. “Hva—“

“I thought of a bedtime story.”

“Save it.” Isak picked his pillow up off of the floor and threw it onto his bed, letting his body follow. The bed knocked against the wall under his sudden weight. “Are you sleeping over?” He asked into his pillow.

“Can I?”

“You can.”

Isak rolled over to make space for Even, noting in his half-conscious state the real reason why he hadn’t been sleeping well. He didn’t miss his pillow; he missed Even. It had been a long week.

* * *

When Isak returned from his shift, he was pleasantly surprised to see Even on his couch. Instead of playing FIFA though, he was tapping away at his laptop, not looking up until Isak addressed him from the kitchen.

“Have you eaten today?”

“Uh…no, I guess. Want to order pizza?”

“Ja, let me check with the guys.” 

Isak popped his head into Mike’s room. “Pizza?”

“Peppers.”

He slapped the doorframe in acknowledgement, then went into his own room. Justin was at his desk. “We’re ordering pizza. Want kind do you want?”

“What are you getting?”

“Peppers for Mike, probably pineapple for Even.”

“Plain for me then, but I’ll need an extra slice to slap Even with.”

Isak laughed, spinning back out into the hallway. Even had yet to convince any of his roommates that pineapple on pizza was actually edible, but he kept on trying. Isak pulled up their favorite pizza place from his contacts and let it ring. He dropped down onto the couch next to Even, who was back to his steady typing.

Gina’s was a popular pizza place near the campus not because their pies were particularly good, but because they exclusively hired college girls to take orders over the phone and deliver to dorms. Their trademark flirting resulted in freshmen boys ordering more toppings than they actually wanted and giving bigger tips than they could actually afford. Isak didn’t fall for it, but he wasn’t going to deprive Justin of the Gina’s delivery experience. He placed their order quickly, as if that would somehow shrink the 45-minute delivery time.

“Forty-five minutes?” Even asked after Isak hung up.

“Saturday night. You’re welcome to anything in the fridge to tide you over.”

“I didn’t realize I was hungry until you mentioned pizza, and now I’m starving.” Even handed over his laptop and stood up, stretching his arms above his head. Isak stared at the inch of skin between the hem of Even’s shirt and the waistband of his boxers.

Just friends.

He’d spent the last 12 hours reminding himself of this, this definition. Ever since he woke up, their hands and feet still tangled, and he watched Even sleep for twenty minutes, he had to repeat that. He had to be comfortable with that.

This was their friendship.

It was warm and supportive and risky at times, especially when Isak let his mind wander and forget where they were, but what they also had was an understanding. They needed each other in their own ways, and allowing themselves that was enough. They could talk. They could sleep next to each other. They could hold hands. They could spend their days thinking about each other. When Even was still sleeping Isak could gently push his hair back, marveling at how many different colors actually made up those blond waves. Some were dark, some were light, some curled a bit at the end. He could wonder about all of the different colors that made up the boy in front of him, all of the different thoughts that swirled through his relentless mind. Some were dark, some were light.

Even came back to the couch, a piece of toast slathered in jam already half-eaten. “How was work?”

“Boring. But we figured out my schedule for the rest of the semester.”

“I hope it isn’t like this past week.”

“It’s not too bad. I’ll have some weird hours around graduation since they need help at the bookstore too.”

“Okay. We’ll make it work.”

Isak gave him a questioning look, but Even ignored it. He sat back down and plucked his laptop out of Isak’s hands.

“You just had a solid three minutes with my laptop and you didn’t even try to open my browser history. Impressive.”

“Was I supposed to?”

“If you had you probably would’ve found my instagram.”

“Ah. But that would be cheating.” Isak stared over at the screen, a Word doc open with Even’s essay. He felt a twinge of regret at missing the opportunity to finally discover the account, but he knew it wouldn’t feel right if that’s how he found it. “I’ll figure out your secret all on my own, thanks.”

“No one ever learns a secret on their own.”

“What do you mean?”

“A true, proper secret will stay a secret until you end up wanting someone to know. If someone else finds out, it’s because you, in some way, let them figure it out.”

“So I won’t know about the instagram until you let me find it?”

“Yes.”

“What other secrets do I still need to find?” Isak twisted his body on the couch to face Even fully, suddenly nervous about how little he knew about the boy in front of him. At this point he knew some things, and he knew them well, but who could say how many other things there were? Not that Even was necessarily hiding anything from him, but that the person he saw now might only be half, a quarter, an eighth, a tiny fraction of the person he still had yet to discover. It made him nervous, but it also made him excited.

Even tilted his head and gave him a half smile. “Nice try.”

“Can’t blame a guy for trying.” Isak shrugged, then let his body sink further down into the couch. He watched as Even resumed his typing, an argument about poetry flowing and stopping and retracing itself on the page. He wasn’t reading the words, but he was still mesmerized by the action, knowing there was a maze of thoughts that he was plucking and placing into a new order with his long fingers. He realized that he would never get tired of watching those hands create something, whether it was a brief drum beat on his knee or a name in sign language or a sentence that made you believe the world was built on poetry.

Even paused when Isak’s phone buzzed. “Pizza’s downstairs!” Isak shouted, and they watched Justin and Mike race for the door, the privilege of paying the delivery girl worth the hit to their wallet.

“I wonder if Gina realizes she’s missing out on the gay male market. Like throw a couple of dudes on your staff and boom: double your customers.”

“Doesn’t seem like she has to. She got two pies out of you guys anyway. Would you order more if it meant some guy would deliver them shirtless and flirt with you?”

Isak shrugged. “If it’s frozen crab cakes versus flirting I think I’d eat pizza every night.”

“Cheap date.”

“Write your fucking essay.” Isak gave Even a little shove, using the motion to push himself off the couch at the same time. He went to the kitchen to grab some beers and a handful of napkins. He lined everything up on the counter then paused, taking this rare moment of distance between himself and Even to look at him safely. He tried to remember what he saw that first day in the hallway, when Even was just as far away and their worlds hadn’t turned into the magnets that they were now. The fact that he had to put considerable effort into digging up that memory just made it…not worse, but striking. It was so long ago, when Even was just a strange boy in a wrinkled shirt, waiting for someone else.

Even looked up then, feeling Isak’s gaze and the pressure of the silence. He surprised Isak when he spoke, addressing exactly what Isak had been thinking: “This is fine, Isak. I’ll wait.”

He waited on the couch with his laptop. He waited at the table with his pizza. He waited in Isak’s bed with Isak’s pillow, and it was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Until Justin was leaving for class on Monday morning and found Alex in the hallway. Until Justin let Alex into the apartment while Isak was still at his class. Until Alex found Even in Isak’s bed, with Isak’s pillow. And then it wasn’t fine.


	14. Nervous

Isak looked at his phone and froze, stopping right in the middle of the sidewalk. _Alex is here_. A text he’d never imagined receiving from Even, one that took his brain a while to process. He looked up and around, at the students moving around him, the sun high in the sky, the familiar university buildings. Yes, he was in America. Yes, he was at school. So how was Alex…here? And how did Even know—

Oh fuck.

And then Isak was running.

He was only a few minutes from the towers, arriving at the exact time they had agreed on last week: Monday, 11. Isak checked his texts while he was in the elevator; Alex hadn’t sent anything after _See you at 11_. And now that’s exactly what was about to happen.

At his door he struggled with his keys, his nerves making his hands shake. He didn’t know what to expect on the other side. He couldn’t picture Alex in his apartment and he didn’t know if Even had left, so he was going in blind.

He stepped inside and was greeted with silence. Isak looked around the kitchen, then moved into the living room. He dropped his bag on the couch. “Hello?”

Nothing.

Isak checked his phone again; maybe the text had been a joke, one of Even’s tricks just to see how much he could shock him. He had to admit it was a pretty good one. Isak slowly made his way to his room, typing out a sarcastic laugh and sending it back. _You got me_.

“Hi baby.”

Isak looked up and dropped his phone. It landed with a soft thud on the carpet. Alex stood up from where he was sitting at Isak’s desk and walked over, bending down to pick it up. Isak didn’t move, couldn’t move, except to follow Alex with his eyes.

“Takk,” he whispered, as he took his phone back.

“That’s no way to greet your boyfriend. Kiss me.” Alex moved in and pressed his lips to Isak’s, but Isak was still too shocked to kiss back. Alex stepped back and laughed. “That’s no way to greet your boyfriend either.”

“Sorry, sorry. I just…what are you doing here? How did you get here? Are…are you here?” He brought his hands up to Alex’s shoulders and squeezed, confirming what he still didn’t believe. Alex is here. He drew Alex closer to him, trying to disguise his disbelief with a hug. “I mean…hei.”

Isak was still on edge from the surprise, but he tried to get his body to relax, to remember how it was supposed to feel holding Alex. His recovery was slow going though, as his mind was distracted by what he was trying to piece together. Looking at his bed he could see exactly where he had left Even this morning, and presumably where Alex found him. Even’s small pile of dirty clothes was gone though, as was his laptop. He seemed to have cleared out, but what happened that got him to leave? Did he meet Alex? Did he explain anything?

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been talking to you, but if I texted you I knew I was going to ruin the surprise.” Alex pulled back so he could look at Isak. “It made me miss you even more.”

“This is…amazing.”

“Isn’t it? I’m so proud of myself. Also I’m glad Justin was home, otherwise you would’ve found me sitting in the hallway like a bum.”

“Oh, so you met Justin?”

“I met everyone! Justin, Phillip, Even, Matt. But they all had to go to class in a hurry.”

Isak knew that none of them had to be at class except for Justin, but he wasn’t sure if he should be angry at all of them for not being here or grateful that they helped Alex with his surprise. Isak supposed he was a bit of both.

He kept staring at Alex, slowly getting used to seeing him in this context. As the shock wore off, a smile crept up onto his face.

“You actually flew here.”

“I actually did. And it’s going to be totally chill. You can go to class and to work and I will just hang out here. Watch Ellen.” Alex did a little shimmy.

“When do you have to go back?”

“I fly out on Saturday night.”

“And…where is your stuff?”

“Oh! Even told me to hide in the closet but once I got my bag in there I couldn’t fit so….”

“He…what?”

“He thought I should hide in the closet and jump out at you when you got home. He was very excited about it. He’s funny.”

“He does like his jokes.”

“Anyway, I am exhausted. Can I take a shower and then crash? You have class this afternoon, right?”

“Of course, of course. Let me…let me change my bed and I’ll go pick up some food because I think the fridge is pretty empty.” Isak moved around Alex, lunging to his bed to strip the sheets and completely erase Even from the room. He stuffed the sheets in his hamper while Alex pulled his suitcase out of the closet.

“I should’ve slept on the plane but I was too excited, and now I’m going to lose a day to jet lag.”

Isak stopped to look at Alex, at the boy who just flew across the ocean to visit him. It finally hit him, the enormity of what Alex did, the statement he was making, and Isak regretted having such a cold reaction. “Don’t worry. You’re here now.” Isak walked over and grabbed Alex’s hand, spinning him around to face him. He was ready to do what he was supposed to do now, so he leaned in and kissed Alex properly. He had missed this too.

And it came back to both of them so quickly. Alex wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist, drawing him in tight and pressing as much of his body against his. It had been eight months since they’d been able to do this, and the hunger kicked in. His hands went up Isak’s shirt and then down past his waistband, covering the skin and gripping at the body he missed. Isak cupped Alex’s face and moved it around as he let his mouth roam, sucking on his jaw, his neck, his shoulder. The taste of Alex’s skin, his smell, all of him flooded Isak’s senses and pulled him back to Norway, pulled him back in time. “Shower with me,” Alex breathed into Isak’s hair.

Isak’s eyes flew open, the words suddenly snapping him into the reality that he had escaped for just a moment. “I can’t.”

But he couldn’t say why. Isak just knew that the road he had to take with Alex was not this one, so he had to steer it back on course. He couldn’t let them go further before it became too difficult to turn back. “You should just get cleaned up and sleep for a bit, okay?” Isak went back to the bed and started tucking in the clean sheets, avoiding Alex’s eyes and hoping he wouldn’t pick up on how nervous he had become. He tried to play it off as caring, trying to be a good host, even though it was the exact opposite. Caring would’ve been kissing his boyfriend. Caring would’ve been having sex in the shower. Caring would’ve been skipping class to take a nap with Alex in his arms, not letting any minute of his visit go to waste. Instead he was running away.

Isak pulled a towel down from the top shelf of the closet and handed it to Alex, then picked up the detergent from the floor. “I’ll be back in about 30 minutes.”

“Isak—“

But he was gone.

* * *

Isak knocked four times on #1221, pounding his fist in frustration. Jackson opened the door.

“Alex is here,” Isak blurted out. “Where’s Even?”

Jackson simply stepped back as Even turned the corner of their kitchen, locking eyes with Isak and walking right out into the hallway.

“Laundry.” Isak led the way to the elevator, punching the call button and then turning to face Even. He didn’t say anything, not yet, both because he didn’t know what to say and he didn’t want to have a conversation so close to the apartment. Even waited patiently, and this irritated Isak. How could he be so calm about this?

They descended in silence, Isak spinning the cap on the detergent bottle to let out his nervous energy. He practically ran for the washing machines when the door opened.

“So Alex seems nice,” Even drawled as he walked into the room after Isak.

Isak threw the lid open with a slam. “Tell me everything. What happened?”

“I met your boyfriend.”

“Even, please!”

Even raised his hands in surrender. “I don’t know any more than you do! I was sleeping, and he was standing over me, and he introduced himself so we shook hands. He told me he wanted to surprise you so we tried to figure out where he could hide.”

“That’s it? He didn’t ask why you were in my bed? Or like, who you were?”

“No. It seemed like he already knew who I was.”

“But I’ve never told him about you.” Isak finished stuffing the sheets into the machine and cranked on the wash setting. The lid shut with another slam.

“Maybe he talked to Justin before he came in. I don’t know. He was very polite and said I could go back to sleep; he was just going to sit and wait for you. But I wanted to text you so I left.”

“Thank you for the text.” Isak started pacing along the machines, still nervous about the whole situation and what everyone knew. He pulled out his phone and messaged Justin to see what he had said.

“Was Alex angry or something?”

“No, he was fine. Which was weird.”

“Well, it’s not like there was anything to get upset about. It’s not like he caught me sucking your dick or something.”

Isak stopped and felt his mouth drop open. He was used to how Even talked when he was flirting, but they had been pretty chaste since they had stepped back from the kiss. “I just…I just thought it would be suspicious.” His phone pinged.

_I told him Even is our neighbor. You let him stay over when his roommate kicks him out._

“Justin said your roommate kicked you out.”

Even tilted his head. “That doesn’t quite explain how I get all the way into _your_ bed, but maybe Alex doesn’t need an explanation.”

Maybe he didn’t. But there was no way of knowing unless Isak brought it up, and then that _would_ give Alex a reason to be suspicious, like Isak was trying to hide something by digging for his reaction. Isak resumed pacing.

“Isak?” Even had hopped up onto an empty washer. “Why are you so scared?”

“Because my boyfriend flew all the way to America and I don’t want to upset him.”

“Did you actually do anything to upset him though?”

“No. I don’t think so. Not yet.”

“Are you _planning_ on doing something to upset him?”

Isak swallowed hard. “Maybe.”

“Well…you have nothing to worry about until you actually do it, so try to relax. You’re making me anxious.”

“Sorry.” Isak stopped pacing. He stared at the wall and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He wanted Even to be right, he wanted to have nothing to worry about. Except.... “I want to break up with him,” Isak turned to look at Even, to see his reaction.

“Okay. Well. Yeah, that might upset him.” Even tried to make a joke, tried to hold a small smile, but it fell flat. The motive behind Isak’s statement weighed down on both of them, everything crushed and muted from the pressure.

“What do I do?”

“Unfortunately I do not have all of the answers for you, Isak.” Even smiled again, desperate to get him to smile back, or at least erase the look of distress furrowing down his face. “But!” An idea popped into his head. “I know someone who does.” Even opened his phone and searched his music. When he found the song he turned up the volume and pressed play. A fast heartbeat filled the room.

_Call your girlfriend_  
It's time you had the talk  
Give your reasons  
Say it's not her fault  
But you just met somebody new 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Isak yelled over the chorus.

Even bopped his head along with the music, waiting a bit before he pressed pause. “Good advice, right?”

“Even, this is serious!”

“Um, does it sound like Robyn is joking?” Even pressed play again, drowning out Isak’s incredulity. He hopped down from the machine and started dancing around the room, punching the air and twirling with abandon. Isak rolled his eyes but when Even didn't stop, all he could do was laugh, the tension evaporating if only for a moment. Even swooped in, the music louder as he approached, and sang along to Robyn’s lyrics. “Give your reasons…say it’s not his fault. But youuuu just met somebody new…”

“Even.” Isak reached out to get him to stand still. “I can’t…I can’t break up with him with song lyrics.”

“Why not?” Even tucked his phone away as the song faded out. “They sound pretty on point to me.”

“You’ve never broken up with anyone, have you?”

“Nope! But having been on the receiving end of a break-up, I highly recommend you wait until he’s about to leave. It would be awfully rude of you to break up with him and then also make him stay somewhere else in a strange country.”

“I’m not going to kick him out.”

“So maybe just pretend a little bit longer. Have fun with him now, enjoy his visit, then talk to him toward the end of the week. That way he’ll be able to escape if it doesn’t go well.”

“This is…this is really how it has to go down, huh.”

“If you don’t want to hurt him too much, yeah. You have a week to soften the blow.”

As if on cue, the spin cycle finished and the room went quiet, the reality of the situation settling down around them. Isak would have to move his sheets to the dryer and then head back upstairs. He didn’t know what was waiting for him up there, whether Alex would be done with his shower and passed out, or if he’d be sitting at his desk and wanting to talk, or ready to resume what they had almost started earlier. Isak's nervousness fluttered back up, a sense of foreboding that wasn’t going to go away until he made a decision and acted on it.

“Or…I suppose there’s another alternative,” Even broke through Isak’s worry with a smirk. 

“Is there another song?”

“No. He could catch me sucking your dick.”


	15. Alex

The cruelest thing Even had ever done to Isak was give him a boner and send him back upstairs to his boyfriend. He adjusted himself in the elevator and tried to think of anything but Even, but it was proving to be one of the most difficult tasks of his college career. He prayed to no one in particular that Alex would be asleep when he walked in.

Isak let out a sigh of relief when he saw Alex curled up in bed, his side rising and falling with the heavy breath of someone in a deep sleep. He quietly stacked his clean sheets in the closet and settled in at his desk, ready to focus on preparing for his next class. He read over his outline that was due today and checked his work schedule. Isak was disappointed that his Tuesday afternoon was wide open, even though that was how he had arranged it to be himself. He still had skip days to use as well, but he needed class as an excuse to get away and figure out his plan of attack.

Because that’s what this break-up felt like already, a war he’d been plotting for weeks and a battlefield swiftly approaching.

Isak downloaded the Robyn song to his phone. He checked his outline again. He watched Alex sleep. He decided that if Alex moved a body part in the next two minutes, he’d wake him up and tell him.

Alex breathed and slept on.

Isak added another two minutes to the binding agreement he made with himself.

And then another two.

He remembered all of the times Alex would kick or elbow him in bed, muscle spasms that woke Isak up but didn’t disturb Alex at all. Where were they when you needed them? He reached out his hand and let it hover above Alex’s head, tempting fate.

It didn’t work. Isak watched the clock and Alex a bit more, wondering when he would finally be able to say it, wondering what it would take. How could he want a future with Even so much and not be able to let go of his past with Alex? Why wasn’t he making the leap that he needed to make?

Leaving Alex undisturbed, Isak slid his laptop into his bag and slipped out of the room, beyond ready to let his class distract him from everything else.

* * *

Once class was over Isak wasted his time, going to the library for a bit and then to the grocery store at the edge of campus. He walked the aisles slowly, knowing what he should buy for Alex but feeling conflicted about it, per usual. He wanted to care for Alex, he needed to care for Alex while he was here, but Isak didn’t want him to be here. He wanted to go back to his cozy little in-between world, where he could fall in love with Even and let that be his American Dream, disappearing into the wind when it was time to head back home.

That wasn’t how it would actually work though. Alex wasn’t going to wait on the sidelines any longer, and Even…well Even wasn’t going to either. Or actually he would, but Isak didn’t want to make him. And the ball was in Isak’s court. He had never felt so powerful and powerless at the same time.

He knelt down to the bottom shelf to grab some of those curly noodles that Alex liked. As he stood up, he asked himself if he could wait four more days. That had been Even’s advice, to play along until the last day, break the news and then send Alex back home. Then whatever anger and disappointment came out of the break-up wouldn’t have to be confined to #1218; they could have the space to let their relationship dissipate on its own, a natural distance.

Except it felt like that anger and disappointment was already here, boiling up in Isak and threatening to explode sooner than later. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to start talking now, as awkward as it might be. Maybe they could use these four days to really understand the situation, and work toward being in a good place by the time Alex had to leave.

He knew he was being idealistic, but he also knew that he wouldn’t know unless he tried. He could drag out the week with chaste kisses and excuses, or he could let Alex know the truth and deal with whatever fallout came. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. With a full basket he went to check out, one step closer to facing what was waiting for him at the apartment.

* * *

When he unlocked the door Alex pounced. The three bags went crashing to the floor in the doorway as Isak’s arms struggled to contain the aggressive Norwegian. Alex showered him with kisses.

“Hello there.”

“Hi baby. Come here, we’re planning a party.” Alex took Isak’s now empty hands and tried to drag him into the living room.

“Wait wait I need to put away the food. And what do you mean a party? It’s Monday.” Isak picked up the bags and put them on the counter, taking out the cold items for the fridge.

“Friday.” A voice boomed from the living room, and Isak’s head snapped up. Even was sitting on the couch.

“What are you doing here?”

“Planning a party.” A small smile crept up on his face, and he knew that wasn’t the answer Isak was looking for.

“Yes yes, a party!” Alex started hopping up and down, clapping his hands. “Fredag, here. It’s going to be a Norway versus America party, with lots of beer and games and I’m going to DJ.”

Isak tried to send a glare back at Even before turning around to face Alex. “But we don’t host parties. We just…go to them. What about the roommates?”

“I asked Matt and he was cool with it. The other two aren’t home.”

“Matt?”

Alex thumbed over his shoulder at Mike & Phillip’s room.

“Oh, Mike.”

“Shit."

“It’s okay, you’re Norwegian.” Alex gave Isak a little slap.

“I just want to meet all of your friends and have a good time. Even’s been helping me, because you don’t have a lot of Facebook friends.”

“What are you doing on Facebook?!” Isak tossed the now empty bags under the sink and moved into the living room, where he finally noticed his laptop on the coffee table.

“Honestly Isak, how else are we going to throw a party if we don’t invite your friends? Calm down.” Alex shoved Isak from behind so he fell forward onto the couch, landing on Even’s legs. Isak heard him grunt a soft hello, which he ignored. They all readjusted until they were sitting comfortably, and Alex pulled the laptop to him. “So here’s the event. We have a red, white, and blue dress code, with stars and stripes if you have them. Boys will have to Venmo Even a cover fee unless they’re cute enough and I let them in for free.”

“What?”

“Please baby, I did not fly all the way here to not check out some American asses. Besides, we need the money to cover the kegs.”

“We cannot have kegs here.”

“Relax, Isak, it’ll be fine. This isn’t going to be big, just a fun night playing games.” Even squeezed Isak’s shoulder.

“Oh yes, the games! We’ll have Norway versus America set up on FIFA, and you and I will be Team Norway in beer pong. And…that’s as far as we got in our planning.”

“How about poker? Do you play cards?” Even leaned forward to talk to Alex.

“I don’t, but if you know how then you could do that! And if you’re any good you could earn back your money.”

“I can do that in Isak’s room, since you’re using the table out here.”

“Perfect.”

Alex and Even continued to plan around Isak, adding details to the Facebook event and looking up people to invite. Apparently Even was going to arrange all of the beverages, and Isak would have to do a snack run on Thursday. Isak was still wildly confused by the turn of events that put all three of them on the couch, but was glad Alex had something to distract him. He listened to him volley song choices back and forth with Even.

“Or! We could have two separate playlists, and people can vote on them, see whose is better.”

“No no, you’re overthinking this. We can’t make the party too much work.” Even leaned over Isak to take the laptop from Alex. “We’ll just alternate the songs, a little bit Norwegian, a little bit American.”

“Fine, but I’m going to delete anything that’s shit.” Alex dipped his head into Isak’s shoulder. “Han er kjekk men—“

“Aleeeeex, he can understand you,” Isak interrupted, before Alex said something rude.

Even chuckled.

Alex looked a bit shocked, but as he stared over at Even it seemed to click into place. “Of course. Looks like my boyfriend has impeccable taste,” he said into Isak’s ear, but loud enough for Even to hear.

“Hva?” Isak squeaked.

Alex shifted his stare over to Isak, but Isak couldn’t interpret what he was trying to say with his eyes, their last line of secret communication. Finally Alex gave in. “Kan vi prate?” He stood up, reaching for Isak’s hand so he would follow.

“Actually I think that’s my cue to leave.” Even put the laptop back on the coffee table and stood, towering above them both. “I think we’re set for the party and I need to uh…get dinner.”

“Cool. I’ll send you the playlist tomorrow.”

They all walked out of the living room, Even headed toward the door and Alex pulling Isak to his bedroom. As soon as he heard the door shut, Isak stopped walking, standing firm at the vanity. “What is going on?”

“Have you fucked your sexy American yet?” Alex whipped around when Isak’s grip wouldn’t let him walk away.

“Hva faen Alex!”

“I’m not stupid, Isak. I can tell there’s something going on. You’ve been on edge ever since I arrived, ever since I found him in your fucking bed.”

“There is nothing, Alex. He’s just my neighbor, and he has shitty roommates. He…uses my bed when I’m not here.”

“You’re a horrible liar.”

“What…two seconds ago you were planning a party with Even and now you’re upset that I’m cheating on you with him?” Isak tried to dodge the accusation by throwing it back at Alex.

“At this point I’ve spent more time with Even than with you, and he’s acted more like a boyfriend than you have. _Something_ is going on.”

“Even flirts a lot.”

“Okay. Do you flirt back?”

“No.” Yes. But Isak must’ve said it with enough confidence to convince Alex; his voice softened.

“Do you think about him?” Alex stepped closer and regripped Isak’s hands, intertwining their fingers.

“No.” Yes.

“He really is quite handsome. I’ve been thinking about him.” Alex pressed in closer, backing Isak up against the sink counter.

“No you haven’t.”

“I’m not the liar here, Isak. You are.” Alex’s voice descended into a whisper, the dark undertones conflicting with the light kiss he placed at the edge of Isak’s jaw. Isak let his head fall back, the whirlwind of emotions leaving him confused and turned on and confused about being turned on. Alex pulled his hands away and brought them up, cupping Isak’s face and drawing him forward.

“You don’t seem too upset about it now.”

“I told you to find someone and you did.” Alex kissed his lips, adding pressure until Isak opened his mouth in response. “Can’t be mad at that,” he breathed.

Isak’s eyes fluttered closed, giving in to the kiss and giving up on trying to figure out how else he was supposed to respond. He felt like he had more to argue, reason to push Alex away, but Alex was convincing him otherwise. His hands squeezing below Isak’s ribs and their hips finding their perfect fit against each other…it was just like it used to be, and at this point they were both relieved they could get back to that.

Alex started walking backward to Isak’s door, his hands moving down to Isak’s belt loops and pulling him along from there. “I had to wake up alone in your bed, and then let that gorgeous American boy sit next to me and talk about you for two hours. I may be a little mad but I also need to fuck you right now.”

They crossed the threshold and Isak kicked the door shut behind him. He leaned in for another kiss, distancing himself from the argument before engaging in the teasing. “What else do you think about him?” Isak pulled up on Alex’s shirt, feeling the heat radiating off of his bare skin and noticing how much muscle he had added since the summer.

“Mmmm, he has long fingers.” Alex’s voice was muffled as the shirt went over his head.

“What?”

“Long fingers. Longer than yours.” Alex’s hands found Isak’s, playing with his fingers and drawing one into his mouth. He stared into Isak’s eyes while he sucked.

“You’re…you’re right,” Isak breathed heavily. “Something _is_ going on.” He pulled his hands back so he could unbutton his pants and strip. He was so turned on that being anything but naked was painful. “Just thinking about my neighbor got you hard.” The accusation, the slow look down Alex’s body to the bulge in his own pants, ended up being sexier than offensive, and it made Alex smirk with pride.

“At least we’re being honest now.” Alex moved in closer and bit Isak’s shoulder through his t-shirt. “Take this off.” Then he walked around him to Isak’s dresser in search of his condoms and lube. Isak peeled off his shirt and added it to the pile of their clothes on the floor. Just listening to Alex unbuckle his belt behind the dresser was adding to the anticipation, and he started stroking himself.

“Look at you, finally ready to go.”

“Get the fuck over here.”

Alex sauntered up to him, swinging his hips while he tossed the condoms and lube on the bed. Isak wrapped his free hand around the back of Alex’s neck, drawing him in even closer, tilting his head to the side and sucking on the smooth skin of his throat. They let their hands roam and press and squeeze and stroke, their tongues following those familiar trails, and then Alex pushed Isak back until he fell onto the bed as well. Isak tried to control his breathing as Alex knelt down and started kissing, licking his way to his erection, but the attempt to distract himself just made things worse. As soon as his eyes closed, Even was in the room, Even was between his legs. And feeling Alex’s mouth on him, after so many months alone, felt too good to deny himself the fantasy. So he let Alex suck and hum around his dick, Isak’s hands running through his short hair as his head bobbed up and down. They muttered words of encouragement back and forth, remembering each other’s bodies and triggers, the touches that turned into moans and the nips of pain that melted into pleasure.

When Alex stood up to tear open a condom and roll it on, Isak took the moment to catch his breath. He watched Alex, the heavy panting making his abs flex and his whole body shimmer with concentration. Alex moved quickly back to the task, kneeling on the bed between Isak’s legs.

“I know what you want.”

“Oh yeah?” Isak tucked his arms behind his head, letting Alex tease with his hands and his words.

“And you’ve been such a good boy, waiting for it.”

“Mmhmm.” He arched his back and let his eyes close again. Alex slowly lowered himself along Isak’s body, touching and subtly shifting them into position.

“You’ve wanted it for so long,” he breathed into his ear.

“Y-yes.”

His hands moved to Isak’s ass.

“Tell me what it is. Say it, and I’ll let you have it.”

“Even.”

It was more of an exhale than an answer, but a truth nonetheless. Waves of fear and regret crashed down on him, but he didn't make any other move. Or maybe that _was_ the move. For the longest moment, as the name solidified in the air around them, all they did was breathe.

And then Alex kissed Isak’s shoulder. “Okay.”


	16. Done

They kept going. Alex turned Even’s name into dirty talk, murmuring it every so often and watching Isak’s dick jump with each mention. It was obvious they were both getting off on it, and if they stopped they’d have to talk about why. So they kissed and sucked and licked and fucked until they were a sweaty, exhausted mess, plastered against each other in the twin bed. Isak had forgotten how much athleticism actual sex required, more than just jerking off on Skype, and he was out of breath after his second orgasm. For a while the only sound was the effort it took to recover.

And then Alex slapped Isak’s belly, sticky with cum. “Shower. Now.” He shoved Isak in the side until he rolled out of bed, and then quickly followed. He used Isak as a shield while they skipped to the bathroom.

They continued to not talk in the smaller room, focusing on the steam and the soap, the hardness of their bodies pressed up against the cool tile. Their kisses were long and lazy while they cleaned up, but then Isak blazed a trail down Alex’s stomach, licking and sucking at the tight skin under the falling water. His knees hit the floor and he took Alex into his mouth, desperate to please him, to balance out the evening. It was more than a blowjob; it was begging. 

“Jesus Christ, Isak. You can’t even suck my dick without feeling guilty.” Alex pushed him away, disconnecting with an audible pop. He turned around and growled at the wall, letting the water fall between them. Isak didn’t say anything. He stood up slowly. “If your ass wasn’t so tight I wouldn’t believe you didn’t fuck him.” Alex whipped back the curtain and stepped out of the shower, leaving angry puddles in his wake.

In the bedroom Alex had put on underwear and one of Isak’s t-shirts, draping his damp towel around his neck to catch the water still dripping from his hair. He sat on the bed and waited for Isak. The shower had stopped, and it was only another minute or so before he came out.

“I…I don’t have anything to say.” He stood in the doorway, a towel wrapped around his waist. “You already know.” The truth flushed its way up from Isak’s chest, reddening his neck and cheeks.

“I do know.”

A heavy silence settled between them, both trying to play out conversations in their heads, figuring out what they actually wanted to say. Isak walked over and sat on Justin’s bed, so he could face Alex directly without invading his space. Alex pushed himself back against the wall, crossing his legs and getting comfortable with this distance. He observed Isak.

“Tell me anyway.”

“What?”

“Tell me how you fell in love with your neighbor.”

Isak’s mouth dropped open at the impossible demand, but Alex wasn’t going to back down. Various words bubbled up as Isak tried to start different sentences, as Isak tried to explain the inexplicable. He thought about Even in his bed, Even in the laundry room, Even in the dark, Even in the hallway. He tried to pinpoint the moment, the beginning, but he couldn’t. He let out a small sigh and told a different story.

“We were walking home after dinner. We had had all of that wine, but I still remember this so clearly. We were walking and talking about birds and you made us flap our arms and it was funny and beautiful and free. I remember walking with you and not wanting anything else. Just that. Just you. I could walk with you through that city forever.”

“We were birds,” Alex whispered.

Isak flapped his arms a bit, and this made Alex smile. He stood up and walked over to Isak, unable to stay away, but the smile faded as he moved. He sat down next to Isak but stared straight ahead.

“Alex…” Isak twisted and looked at Alex’s profile, not sure what to say again. What did he want to say? What did he _need_ to say?

“We’re not birds anymore.”

“Alex,” Isak choked out. “Alex, wait.”

“Isak, I was waiting. We were waiting.” Alex turned to face him now, unleashing the full extent of his pain through eye contact. This was it. “But I can’t expect you to come back to me after what I just saw. After what I heard, and felt. I know this is not enough anymore.”

“I love you.” Word vomit, almost involuntary. It was all Isak’s brain could offer, a last-ditch effort at wiping away Alex’s hurt, words that used to bring such comfort. Alex’s face fell in a mix of pity and disappointment, which made Isak regret it instantly.

“We both know that isn’t true anymore. And as much as I’d prefer to spend the next four days pretending it is, that’s not fair to either of us. So…I think…we’re done.” Alex let out a shaky breath, letting go of all the strength it had taken him thus far to do what needed to be done calmly. He let himself cry as the words sunk in, silent tears simply overflowing.

And Isak didn’t know what to do. With every second that passed without him saying anything or even moving, it got worse. Alex cried harder, his chin wrinkling up, lips quivering, shoulders shaking, and Isak just watched. A part of his brain was trying to break this situation down into an equation, reasoning that Isak’s words and actions and emotions had caused all of this in the first place, so if he just removed them, he wouldn’t continue to break Alex’s heart. Except you can’t undo heartbreak. Love wouldn’t be love if it were that easy to erase, if it could cancel itself out. So it got a lot worse before Isak could figure out how to make it better.

Alex curled in on himself, covering his face with his hands as he let the shame creep in. It's still a rejection even if you aren't proactive about it. It was still a choice. Isak stood up and walked to his dresser to get some clothes, and Alex cried harder at the void he left behind on the bed. As Isak pulled a t-shirt over his head though, he realized that Alex’s little quaking gasps had turned into laughter. He was laughing. He was looking at Isak and laughing, with the saddest eyes Isak had ever seen.

“I just…I just got here this morning. And now we’re breaking up.”

Isak stared back, his shirt bunch around the top of his chest. He slowly pulled it down. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Alex’s laughter dwindled into a chuckle, then disappeared completely. “Too late, honey. That’s what happens when you take your love away.”

Isak finished getting dressed, putting on shorts and hanging up his towel. Alex moved back to Isak’s bed, stripping the sheets again. Isak took Alex’s towel and the sheets, but instead of rushing back downstairs, he just dumped them in the corner.

“You’re…you’re staying with me, right?” Isak checked his phone, noticing how late it was.

“Technically.” Alex pulled down the sheets that Isak had washed that morning, flicking them out over the bed. Isak tucked in one end while Alex did the other. “I’m going to stay here. We’re going to throw an amazing party on Friday. I’m going home on Saturday.” Alex shrugged as if this were the most obvious plan, something they had agreed on already and were just reviewing to be sure.

“Okay,” Isak whispered. He went out to the vanity to brush his teeth. On his way back to the bed he grabbed a sweatshirt to bundle up and use as a pillow. Alex had already climbed into bed and claimed a third of it, taking the pillow but leaving as much space as possible for Isak. He slid in as quietly and smoothly as he could, trying not to rock the boat any further. He settled onto his side, facing Alex, waiting for something to respond to. His mind was still blank.

“What’s your schedule like tomorrow?”

“Classes in the morning. Nothing in the afternoon. Usually I call you.”

“Oh right. Well we’ll do lunch instead, okay?”

Isak nodded against his sweatshirt. “Do you remember where the Trucks are?”

“I think so.”

“We can meet there.”

“Thank you.” Alex sighed and rolled a bit closer to Isak. “I know I said we shouldn’t pretend we are, but it’s going to be difficult not being your boyfriend. Not making dates. Not looking at you and knowing you belong to me.” He drew his hand up and touched Isak’s cheek. “I miss you already.” Silent tears fell from the edge of Alex’s eyes, dropping onto the pillow with dark blooms. He wasn’t crying like before, just letting the sadness overflow.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so so sorry. I do lov—“

“Isak, stop. Stop saying that.” Alex pulled his hand back and wiped at the wet streaks on the side of his face. “You don’t know what you’re doing when you say that. You’re making it worse. Just…stop talking, okay? I need you to not try to fix this.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not supposed to be fixed. It’s supposed to be sad and painful and difficult, and then it’s going to turn into something else. We’re going to be something else.” Alex’s voice steadied with each statement, growing with confidence. “I love you…too…but it’s a different love now. Stop bringing up that old love, that guilty love.”

But it was all Isak had. Despite Alex’s strength and composure throughout the whole ordeal, Isak felt guilty for what he’d done and guilty about what was to come. Because he knew this was what Alex did in the face of trauma, address it directly yet keep it at a distance. On the surface it felt like Alex was processing it all so well, but Isak knew it was just a front, a bravado. So this was just the beginning, and he feared the future like he hadn’t in a long time. Alex wasn’t sad yet. It wasn’t painful yet. It wasn’t difficult yet. They were still pretending. They were pretending it would be different, that it would be better.

That there would still be…something.

Alex rolled onto his stomach, pressing his shoulder into Isak’s chest. He was tired, and he was done. For now.

* * *

Isak didn’t check his phone until the last few minutes of class, but the only notification he had was a snap from Alex. He had sent a selfie in front of the Trucks, proof that he had remembered, proof that he was waiting. Isak packed up his laptop as soon as the professor released them, not wanting to keep him any longer. His long legs led him out of the hall and down the front steps, weaving through the slower students.

A weight crashed down on his shoulders again, but Isak didn’t lose his balance this time. He recognized it, the way Even didn’t bother greeting him but just inserted himself back into Isak’s life. “Lunch?”

“I’m eating with Alex.”

“Trucks?”

Isak nodded.

“I’ll join.”

Isak finally looked at him, ready to say no but catching himself before he did. Even didn’t have any reason not to invite himself to lunch; he wasn’t part of the awkward break-up, or even aware of it at that. It was just Tuesday to him. This is what they did on Tuesdays.

“Okay.”

Even’s arm remained resting across Isak’s shoulders. They fell into step. As they walked the short distance to Alexander Hall, Isak felt his hunger flare; in an attempt to avoid Alex at the apartment he had skipped breakfast entirely, so now he was beyond ready for his chicken parm.

Alex was sitting in the same spot he had taken his selfie, claiming a small table in the middle of the lot. He waved to Isak when he spotted them, not letting Even’s appearance shock him, if it even did. “Hello my darling.” He smiled into the midday sun. “Hello to you too, Isak.”

“Hi Alex. Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all. But you have to go pick up my food first.” Alex twisted around and pointed to the waffle truck.

“A price I’m willing to pay.” Even dropped his arm and walked away. Isak straddled the bench and removed his backpack, dropping it under the table.

“Did you tell him? It looked like you told him.”

“I barely said anything.”

“Interesting.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. It’s been fun watching you two.”

Isak shot him a look, his eyebrows raised and lip curling in disbelief. “Fun?”

“You know I’m not going to wallow at your apartment for the next four days. I’m going to have fun. Now go get your food so we can eat.” Isak stood up and spun away, curious about what Alex was up to but too nervous to ask questions. He passed Even returning with Alex’s waffles, giving him a head nod as they moved closer and then further away from each other.

Standing in line at his truck, Isak turned around to watch Alex. He was sharing his waffles with Even, who was in the middle of telling a story; even from a distance Isak could see the food puffing up his cheeks, waiting for Even to stop talking and swallow. They were quite a pair, and Isak was glad they got along. As strange as this whole trip was going to be, it was clear that Alex at least was making a new friend. It didn’t quite make up for the whole losing-a-boyfriend thing, but it also wasn’t like Alex to not make the most out of the situation. So yes, he was going to have fun.

“Isaac?”

“Isak.” He reached up and took the warm paper bag from the girl hanging out the window.

“Sorry.”

Back at the table they were almost done with their waffles. Isak took his seat and tore open the bag, feeling like he had to catch up.

“Have you looked at Facebook lately?” Even handed Isak his phone. The app was open to Friday’s event, and Isak scrolled through the RSVPs.

“This is too much.”

“No, this is a party. You remember what those are, right?” Alex smirked, making Isak roll his eyes at him.

“Who knew Norway would draw a crowd,” he muttered in response. Then Isak started eating, leaving Even and Alex to resume the talking. They moved on to the shopping list that Isak was responsible for on Thursday. What started as a discussion over the difference between American and Norwegian snacks dissolved into listing what they both liked to eat when they were drunk.

And then Isak got nervous. But not like he was before—the low-grade nerves of waiting for emotional fallout—now his legs were shaking with the excess energy from imagining the party. Imagining the crowd. Imagining what his drunk, newly-ex-boyfriend was going to say, or do, in front of a lot of people.

A hand pressed on his knee, and he traced it back to Even’s arm, but Even hadn’t interrupted his conversation with Alex. He was focused on Alex, but also watching out for Isak. Isak’s legs stopped.

“I’ll probably have the kegs here Friday morning, before class.” Even pulled his hand back and picked his phone up off the table.

“But then you’ll be back over after, right? I’ll need help with the decorations.”

“I can help,” Isak offered through a mouthful of chicken.

“You can, but we also need someone taller.” Alex said without looking away from Even. “I bet you could touch the ceiling without jumping. Have you ever tried that?”

Even let out a low chuckle. “No. I probably will when I get back to the apartment though.”

“Let me know.”

Isak looked at Alex, recognizing his flirty voice and stare, the way he was still watching Even even though there was nothing left to say. “Alex?”

“Yes?” It took him a moment to look back at Isak.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Isak quickly crumpled his half-eaten sandwich into a ball of trash and dunked it into the can a foot away from their table. He stood up and spun around, grabbing his bag on the way. Even and Alex looked up at him.

“What’s the rush?”

“I…just want to show Alex around. And you need to go touch your ceiling or whatever.”

This made Even laugh again. “Okay…. I’ll see you guys later.”

Alex stayed seated as Even left. “You know…you don’t get points for being a jealous boyfriend anymore.”

“That’s not—I’m not—“

“You don’t get points for being _his_ jealous boyfriend either. I’m still here.” Alex gathered up his own trash and stood, throwing it out and walking past Isak.

“What do I do then?!” Isak yelled at Alex’s retreating back. A few people glanced at him. He had been so worried about Alex’s outburst that he didn’t think about having one of his own. Alex kept walking though, so if Isak wanted an answer he’d have to start moving. “Huh? What do I do?” He caught up to Alex and grabbed his arm.

“I—I don’t know, Isak.” Alex stopped and turned to face him at the edge of the lot. Students continued to flow around them, a world in motion even though theirs had come to a complete halt. “I want to tell you to keep loving me. I want to ignore all of this and go back to how it used to be. But I also want you to be happy. I want to be able to…let you go so you don’t have to be confused anymore. But I’m struggling too. Can you just…be patient? Please?”

There was another wave of guilt and helplessness about to overwhelm Isak as he watched Alex plead. He felt selfish for demanding that Alex solve the problem Isak had created, but he was also growing tired of his reflexive response, pitiful attempts at erasing actions and thoughts and feelings and Even.

So he’d compromise.

He took Alex’s hand and they walked toward the main green. They stayed quiet, unless Isak found something that had changed since last year and pointed it out to Alex. They walked to the other side of campus and then turned back toward the tower. Eventually Alex let his hand slip from Isak’s, and then they were just side by side.

At night they slept in the same bed.

At night Alex cried, and this made Isak cry too. They stared at each other in the dark and sniffled, ignoring Justin’s exaggerated turns and huffs of annoyance. They counted down how many hours they had left together in this weird in between, before an ocean would separate them again with a final word.

“We’re done, just not yet,” Alex whispered thickly, finishing their thus far silent conversation. “Three more days.”

Then two.

Then one: Fredag.


	17. Loser

Alex and Isak stood next to each other at the vanity, Isak brushing his teeth and Alex combing his hair back and forth. After taking twenty minutes to try on all of the shirts he had packed, he had moved onto being indecisive about which side to part his hair.

“Usually it’s on the left, no?” Isak rinsed his toothbrush and made eye contact in the mirror. Alex sighed.

“Yes, but I tried it on the other side one night and I thought it looked good. Except I can’t get it back to that now.”

“Well don’t mess with it too much or else it won’t look good at all.”

“Impossible.”

Isak returned to his room, doing one last sweep before it was opened up to potentially the entire senior class. In spite of the cover fee and Even’s reassurance that it was a chill list, Isak watched the event grow into something he heard strangers talking about at the bus stop. He was fine with big parties and sometimes preferred the anonymity of loud music and crowds, but when it was his responsibility, his apartment, it didn’t seem as fun. He was feeling overwhelmed and nothing had even started yet.

The door opened with a slam as someone kicked it. Isak heard voices fill the kitchen. He walked back out to see who it was, catching a glance at Alex on the way. He had tamed his hair the way he wanted it, a new part that changed his whole face. Isak didn’t realize he had stopped and stared until Alex spoke. “Something wrong?”

“No. It’s just different. It’s really different.”

“I believe, darling, that’s the point.” Alex ran the comb down the back of his head one more time, then tossed it onto the counter. “Who’s here?”

“I think it’s just the guys.” Isak continued his path to the kitchen, Alex in his wake. Justin and Phillip were there, opening all of the cabinets and evaluating the stash.

“T minus two hours. Think I could have Funyuns for dinner?” Phillip pulled down a bag. The door slammed behind them again, Mike and Even stumbling in with a cooler of ice swaying between them. It landed with a crash next to the fridge.

“Nice shirt,” Even said as he straightened up to his full height. He tugged at the blue plaid then walked past Isak over to Phillip. He shoved his hand into the now open bag, grabbing dinner as well.

“Shall we warm up with a game, lads?”

Isak looked around then, noticing how the rest of the apartment had been transformed for the party. Phillip’s Arsenal flag was gone, replaced with an American one and Norwegian one, which almost covered the whole wall. There were red, white, and blue crepe paper streamers looping down from the ceiling, and Even almost had to duck to avoid them as he led Phillip, Mike, and the bag of chips to the couch. A second table had appeared and there were plastic cups and a new set of ping pong balls waiting to be opened. Even’s laptop was on the counter, hooked up to a decent pair of speakers.

Isak turned back around to Alex. “You really planned a party.”

“With a little help from your new boyfriend, yeah.”

Isak’s eyes went wide and he coughed in shock. They hadn’t talked about Even beyond Tuesday’s accusations, so Isak had felt like things were calming down, or at least the focus was more on them drifting apart rather than Even getting involved.

“Like I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen the second I leave. In fact, I might be a bit disappointed if you don’t make a move soon.” Alex went to the fridge and pulled out a cold can, deftly cracking it open with one hand. He looked over the counter at Even on the couch, already immersed in the game. “He’s certainly a heartbreaker.”

Isak looked at Alex while Alex looked at Even. He wasn’t sure where it came from, but a sudden burst of boldness flowed through his chest and he spoke before he could check himself. “Do I have your permission?”

A small smile crept up on Alex’s face before he turned back to Isak. “Do I have yours?”

“Hva?” Isak squeaked.

“I bet I could get him to kiss me before you kiss him.”

“Kodder du?”

“No, Isak. It took me three nights to get you to kiss me, you shy fucker. Now I’m ready for a new challenge.”

Isak took a step back, trying to get a better look at Alex, trying to understand what he was actually doing.

“This isn’t a game.”

Alex whipped his head around and landed a hard look at Isak. “Everything is a game. Norway versus America.” He swept his arm out, gesturing at the flags on the wall. “I’m not about to go home a loser.”

* * *

Like every party, it started out slow. The music wasn’t too loud and friends showed up first. Everyone congregated around the couch to play or watch FIFA, drinking and smoking to pass the time. Once Sammy showed up with some girlfriends though, everyone shifted into the next gear. The TV was turned down so Alex could blast the carefully curated playlist, and Even moved to the door to start crowd control. Isak abandoned soccer in favor of beer pong, racking cups and recruiting Sammy to Norway. He gave her a crash course in Norwegian trash talk, which she was much more successful at than actually playing. They barely won their first game.

Alex was circulating like a good host. He introduced himself to everyone, loudly praising those who adhered to the dress code and making sure everyone had a drink. This gave him an excuse to call Even over to the kitchen to help him pump decent pours. Isak didn’t take Alex’s bet seriously, but watching him flirt relentlessly made him start to reconsider. In the very least it was throwing him off, and he missed enough tosses to lose their next game.

“I’m not saying I made us lose but I’m glad we’re done. I need a proper drink.” Sammy took Isak’s hand and pulled him away from the table, their spots filled quickly by the next team. The apartment had filled up considerably, so they had to weave through a few more people in their path to the kitchen. Sammy pulled a beer for Isak and some pineapple juice out of the fridge for herself. She mixed a generous drink then turned and tapped her cup to Isak’s can. “Skål!”

“Skål.” They both hopped up onto the counter, making room for a few more students who had just arrived. Even followed them in, tucking his phone into his back pocket.

“How is the bouncing going?” Isak gave a nod to his phone. His eyes lingered on Even’s ass as he turned toward the fridge. A stars-and-stripes bandana was hanging out of his other pocket.

“Not bad. Thirsty work though.” He pulled a bottle of water from the back of the shelf. Sammy bumped her shoulder into Isak’s and he snapped back to attention.

“Would you like a paper towel? You were drooling.”

“Whatever.” He took a long swig, hiding his blushing behind the can.

“You know, I didn’t think a party with a cover fee was going to work but I get it. He could charm thousands out of me.”

“Girls get in free.”

“Not the point.”

Even moved over to their side of the counter, leaning in to Sammy. “Bisous babe.” She gave him a kiss, then reached down and pulled the bandana out of his pocket.

“Even, you need to wear this! Otherwise we won’t know whose team you’re on.”

“It’s not obvious?”

Sammy folded up the bandana and brushed his hair back, lining up the fabric against his forehead and tying it into a knot at the back. Sammy was in his face but he was looking at Isak.

“I’m just getting some aggressively Norwegian vibes right now.” Sammy leaned back and untucked some of Even’s hair, styling it just right.

“I think you’re confusing him with me,” Alex shouted, as he suddenly appeared at Isak’s side.

“Impossible!” Sammy shouted back. Alex laughed.

“How did you guys do?”

“I think…” Sammy looked at Isak. “Five games?” Isak nodded as he drank.

“Only five?”

“He’s been distracted lately.” Alex looked at Isak until Isak looked back. None of them were quite sure if they all knew what each other was really talking about.

“At least we’re doing well on the music side. Please note that there are people actually dancing in your apartment.”

Isak and Sammy twisted around to see what was happening in the living room. There was a small group of people trying to dance in the corner; they were moving to the beat but their faces had this slightly blank look because they didn’t know the songs or where the music was going. But at least they were trying.

“Shall we dance?” Isak twisted back around and hopped off the counter, holding out a hand to Sammy. He wasn’t one to dance—usually Alex took the lead on that—but he didn’t want to sit in this awkward triangle any longer. This, apparently, was his move.

Sammy took his hand and hopped down, and Isak let her lead him back to the living room. They shimmied their way into the circle of dancers, and Sammy’s confidence was contagious. All of them moved a bit more freely around each other. A beat was a beat no matter what country it was from.

Isak hadn’t been dancing in a long time, not proper dancing. He would go out with Alex pretty regularly in Oslo and loved it, hours spent in a dark club that pulsed so hard you forgot your own heartbeat. But if he wasn’t with Alex, he wasn’t drawn to that scene on his own. The city was too far away for dancing by himself anyway.

He spun Sammy out and then back in, settling behind her and rocking their hips into sync. He could feel her dancing a bit more than anyone else there, maybe dancing for someone else. He slowly directed her in a circle to get a good look at the rest of the room, catching Phillip’s stare from the couch. Phillip’s attempts at defending his title were failing under Sammy’s seduction, and Isak spotted his chance to have a little fun. His hands found her hips and he slowly pointed her toward the couch, putting her on display. He leaned in and whispered, “Watch Phillip,” hoping to clue her in without being too obvious. Her head hit his chest when she laughed, and it was on. 

They danced the way you dance when you know you have an audience, when you’re feeding off of their energy and your inhibitions fall away. Everything got sexier, stronger. Sammy let Isak touch her, move her, feeling safe in his space and more adventurous with her body. What started as a show for Phillip, something to rile him up, quickly became…freedom. They danced and sang off key and nothing else mattered except how good they felt together and how they didn’t want to stop.

But then the song ended and the spell was broken. The soccer game ended and Phillip dropped his controller to flip Isak off. The round of beer pong ended and Mike chugged his last cup. In Isak’s room a joint ended and Justin tapped the roach through the window screen, letting it float to the sidewalk twelve floors down.

In the kitchen Alex walked up to Even and took his hand. Even, who had been watching Isak, looked down to see who was touching him.

“Come with me,” Alex said. Even followed.

* * *

What Isak saw seemed to have happened in slow motion, the noise of the party becoming a loud buzz, filling the space where the music had been. He saw Even’s head turn, then look down. He saw Alex’s dark hair, then the rest of him, move into view. Alex said something and started walking backward, Even’s arm, and then the rest of him, moving in his wake. They disappeared from Isak’s line of sight, but Isak saw the door to the apartment open and close. He felt the slam more than he heard it.

The next song began. A whistle blew. The cups were refreshed and racked. A lighter sparked.

Isak didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to follow them outside. He didn’t want his fears be confirmed, so he just let them run wild with his imagination. Alex’s teasing from earlier echoed like a threat in his ears, and Isak realized a little too late that the bet was on. So he opened a can of beer and drank it. He talked to a girl about the party, about the apartment, as if it weren’t his. He opened another beer and drank it faster. He wove his way to his room and looked at the people on his bed. Justin silently offered him his joint and he took it, wondering what else it would take to stop thinking about Even and Alex, and what, in this very moment, he was losing.

Another beer.

And another.

Game over.

* * *

When Isak woke up he was on the floor. Light was sliding in through the open window, but it was the muted and warm light of a recent sunrise. The raggedy remains of their streamers hung from the ceiling, gently rustling in the draft. Isak stayed on the floor and counted the colors the way young girls pluck petals off of flowers. They did. They did not.

He had been hoping for a blackout. He had been drinking like it was inevitable, so he might as well help it along. He had been hoping that enough alcohol would erase Even and Alex leaving the party from his mind, and therefore from actually being real, but neither happened. Even and Alex had left, and Isak remembered it very clearly. He remembered both of them in the kitchen. He remembered the door. He remembered the joint in his room. He remembered the game of beer pong he played against Jackson, and how, halfway through, he noticed that Even and Alex has been gone for an hour. He remembered joining a group of people sitting on the floor simply because it was the best location to watch the door. His head turned every time it opened. His heart fell every time it was because of someone else.

He must have fallen asleep there, because even now all he had to do was turn his head to see the door. It was still closed, a barrier between Isak and all of the possible scenarios on the other side. They did. They did not.

Isak pulled his phone from his pocket, confirming the early morning time and lack of text messages. He slowly peeled himself off the floor, feeling the drag of alcohol and pot still weighing him down. He stretched, reaching his arms to the ceiling and tearing down some of the streamers in the process. The place wasn’t trashed, but there definitely had been a party. He walked to the kitchen to grab a few garbage bags from under the sink, and then started collecting the cups and cans that blanketed the apartment.

The cans clattered as he made his way around the room, unapologetic about the noise. He emptied warm beer in the sink and used a ridiculous amount of paper towels to mop up the melted ice that had pooled on the floor around the keg. Isak remained so focused on the mundane tasks that he almost didn’t hear the knock at the door. He paused, letting the bag in his left hand settle to the floor, and listened again.

Four knocks.


	18. Justin

“I really have to pee.” Even, still in his clothes from last night, bandana across his forehead, pushed past Isak and ran to his bathroom. It took Isak a few seconds to realize what had just happened and what it meant.

“Did you get locked out again?” he yelled to the closed door. He didn't care when he was cleaning up, but now he cringed at how loud he was being. They were probably still sleeping; Isak walked to his bedroom to see who was here. Justin’s bed was empty and there was a lump in his own. He caught a flash of Alex’s black hair as he shifted under the comforter, and he quickly yet quietly closed the door so he wouldn’t wake him further. He went back out to the living room to figure out what he’d say once Even was done.

“Yes.” Even let out a sigh as he walked down the hall. “I got locked out and I’ve been dying to pee all night.” Even collapsed on the couch. “I was waiting to hear someone make noise so I could get in.”

Isak picked up the trash bag again and went back to collecting cans. He still didn’t know what to say, and he knew if he sat down, if he looked at Even, he would completely lose it.

“You know you’re a good bouncer when you get locked out of your own party.” Even tossed his arm over his eyes, blocking out the light. “How’d the rest of the night go?”

“Fine. No one called the police. I think everyone is alive. Don’t know where Justin ended up though.”

“Wasn’t he with Alex?”

Isak whipped around. Even dropped his elbow, looking at Isak out of the corner of his eye. “In the room?”

Isak abandoned the bag and ran to his room. He shoved open the door and checked Justin’s bed: still empty. Alex hadn’t moved either, but now that Isak was closer he realized that the lump was big enough to be two people.

“Isak I can hear you breathing. Go away,” Alex mumbled from under the covers. Isak swallowed hard and backed away, unable to soften his breath against the pounding of his heart.

“Is…is Justin with you?”

The comforter moved as Alex lifted it. “Justin, are you with me?” A grunt came from the middle of the bed. “Go away Isak.”

He continued walking backward, unable to tear his eyes away from the bodies under the blanket, unable to make sense of how any of it happened. He bumped into the doorjamb, which knocked him out of his trance. Isak spun out of the room.

“Were they there?” Even asked from under his arm.

It took Isak a moment to find his voice. “Yeah.”

“You sound shocked.”

“I thought he was with you all night.”

“Justin?” Even kept his eyes covered but still let out a chuckle.

“No, Alex. He said he was…you left with him.” Isak was trying to remember the night, pacing it out along a timeline. He smoked with Justin after Alex had left. When did Alex return? Did Even come back? If he didn’t, what was he doing the whole time before he got locked out? Had Isak actually stopped thinking about Even long enough to miss all of this?

“I mean, I did, but not like _that_.” Even lifted his arm to point in the direction of the bedroom.

“Did he kiss you?”

“What?!” Even shot up, twisting around to look at Isak with wide eyes.

“He—“ It sounded stupid before it even escaped Isak’s mouth, so he tried to mumble it away. “He said he was going to kiss you.”

“Once again: what?!”

“I don’t know!” Isak got flustered and defensive, turning away to pick up more cans. “We broke up so he’s technically single and you’re…you, so he bet me that he’d kiss you first. And I saw you two leave, so.”

“So you thought he won the bet.”

Isak nodded. The bag in his hands wasn’t full yet but he tied it up anyway, just to have something to do. He dragged it to the kitchen and deposited it next to the other bag, then moved to the sink where a bunch of half-full cans needed to be emptied. He ran the water to cover the smell of warm beer glugging down the drain.

“We just talked. He just wanted to talk. The music was too loud so we went outside.” Even stood up, still tired from the sleepless night but overwhelmed by the need to clear the air. He walked to the counter, leaning over it to get into Isak’s face. “Hey. We talked. He went back inside and I went for a walk. That’s it.”

Isak took some time to process what Even was saying, to trust it. Even watched his jaw flutter with tension, his eyes dart around the sink.

“What did you talk about?”

“Random stuff. It kind of felt like an interview. Talked about my life. School. Talked about you. Tried to figure out Justin’s deal but I think he managed to do that on his own.” A small smile tugged at Isak’s mouth, which made Even smile wide and let out another low chuckle. Isak finally lifted his head.

“He always did move pretty fast.”

“Interesting. But not as fast as me. Technically you won your bet.”

Isak was confused; did something else happen last night that he had missed?

“You don’t remember? Last month?”

_Oh_. Isak had tried so hard to not tell Alex about it that he had almost blocked it out completely. Even walked around the counter and into the kitchen.

“You were wearing that shirt.” He pulled on Isak’s sleeve and backed away, lightly dragging him over to the door. “My heart was beating so fast.” His other hand took Isak’s and placed his palm over his chest. “Just like this. And I had your waist—“

It almost looked like Even was moving him into position for a slow dance, but there was still a foot of space between them. He arranged their arms and then moved closer, closing that gap just like he did back in March. “Remember?” he breathed.

“I won the bet,” Isak said, staring at Even’s lips.

“Want to win again?”

He had barely finished the question before Isak pressed his mouth to Even’s, an eager answer that was clumsy in its urgency. Even pulled back and pushed Isak away, just enough for Isak to hit the wall behind him. Then he moved back in, head tilted, lips wet, hands gripping the boy he had waited for.

Isak remembered. He remembered those hands and those lips and how they were sudden and soft. He recognized the kiss, at first, but then how it changed: how Even’s mouth opened up further, how Isak’s followed, how touching, tasting, and sucking became more important than breathing.

Even’s hands moved up to Isak’s face, and then as he pressed his body into Isak’s, his drew his arms up higher and leaned on the wall above Isak’s head. Isak was pinned at the hips, at the chest, at the lips, but his hands moved around to Even’s back to pull him in even closer. Even’s mouth started to roam up Isak’s cheek and at first Isak’s lips tried to chase him, but then he gave up. He tilted his head to the side and waited for Even to take the hint, which he did quite quickly. Even left a trail of light kisses down to his jaw and then what was sure to become a hickey in the softness below the bone. A quiet “Fuuuuuck” dissolved into a groan.

“Also for the record…” Even whispered below his ear, and then returned his mouth to Isak’s. He gave him a deep, still kiss. “…you have…” He let his mouth hang open for a teasing moment, before closing in on Isak’s bottom lip. “…the worst breath.” It didn’t stop Even from sucking on Isak’s tongue, but it gave him a chance to catch his breath when Isak registered what he said and pushed him away.

“You’re a dick.” Isak slid around the corner to go brush his teeth. Even’s laugh echoed after him down the hall.

Isak was glad to have a moment though, to brush away the sour taste of last night and let his brain catch up on this morning. He had just kissed Even. Again. And he was going to do it some more. God bless that kid for getting locked out. The fresh, hot, memory of being pressed up against the wall flushed through him, and he smiled at his reflection. Isak spit and gargled some water, rinsing away the minty foam.

The door to his bedroom opened and Justin slipped out in a beanie and boxers. He ignored Isak and went to the kitchen. All Isak could do was laugh, still not processing this turn of events properly. In all the years of knowing Justin he didn’t think he was into guys. Every hookup that Isak knew of was a chick who liked to smoke, and Alex was neither of those. Hell, in all the years of knowing Alex Isak didn’t think he was into guys like Justin. Though, he supposed, things were different.

Justin returned carrying two glasses of water. He didn’t look at Isak but muttered, “Shut the fuck up,” when he passed. Isak let out a bark of a laugh as he returned his toothbrush to its plastic cup. He ran his fingers through his hair and gave his armpits a sniff, making sure nothing else would offend Even or embarrass himself. He was a bit ripe, so he stripped both the white tee and plaid shirt off rolling them up into a ball. Justin hadn’t shut the door behind him, so Isak went into the room to get a replacement.

Justin had put the glasses of water on Isak’s desk and returned under the comforter. Isak could definitely tell there were two lumps now. He tossed his shirts into his hamper and grabbed whatever he touched first out of the drawer. There was no movement from the bed but he knew that didn’t mean anything. A voice floated up. “Isak?”

“Yes?”

“I’ll need a car to the airport at 15. Can you get me one?”

“Of course.” Isak grabbed his phone charger, trying to think if he’d need anything else for the next few hours. He wanted to give Alex a wide berth, the distance he needed even in Isak’s space, so he could end his visit on his own terms. Isak shut the door behind him.

Back in the living room Even was stretched out along the couch, head elevated on one arm and ankles crossed on the other. He had fallen asleep. Isak noticed the stillness, the shallow breaths, and approached slowly. As much as he wanted to return to kissing him, to touching him, he didn’t want to disturb him either. It had been a long night, and the morning already held so much. Of course everyone was tired. As he watched Even sleep, he felt the last of his adrenaline drain, and a new tiredness pulled him down into a chair.

The aftermath was proving to be just as intense as the party.

* * *

Alex didn’t say much as he prepared to leave. Isak finally reappeared in the bedroom to announce the car’s arrival, and Alex zipped up his duffle with a bit of effort. “Thanks.” 

Isak picked up the bag. “Do one more sweep in case you missed anything?” Alex twirled around and then slowly walked through the rest of the apartment. Isak carried the duffle out to the elevator and waited for Alex to join him.

“That’s it I think.”

“I’ll be back in a couple of months anyway, if I find anything.” Isak swung the duffle into the open elevator and they followed. More silence as they descended.

Isak felt like he should say something, but he didn’t know what. He wanted to acknowledge that this was a goodbye, _the_ goodbye, that from here on out it would just be polite cheek kisses and chance crossings at parties. Maybe a lunch date, just to catch up, in a few months. That every time he saw him, even in pictures, Alex would look more and more like someone else. Someone Isak didn’t know. They were only a couple of feet apart in the elevator but it already felt like there were worlds between them.

Alex let Isak carry his bag all the way out to the front of the apartment building, and then let him lead them to the right car. “Well…thank you for letting me stay,” he finally said, after Isak had deposited the bag into the back seat.

Isak gave him a sharp nod and small smile.

“I hope the rest of the year goes well for you.”

“Y-you too.”

“I’ll call you in a week when I get drunk and miss you too much.” Alex reached up and brushed Isak’s curls off of his forehead, his eyes taking in the final details of his ex-boyfriend. “You can just send me to voicemail.” This made Isak let out a breath of a laugh.

Alex turned to get into the car, but spun back around before he dropped down. “Can we…just one more?”

Isak knew what he meant, the plaintive request turning this into that proper goodbye. Isak stepped closer and pulled Alex into a hug, turning his head slightly to kiss Alex’s temple. Alex squeezed him hard, then let out a heavy exhale into Isak’s shoulder. “One more.” He leaned back and turned his head to meet Isak’s lips. It was a firm, final kiss, an imprint that was already fading into their relationship’s past. “Okay. Goodbye, Isak.”

“Goodbye, Alex.”

They separated, Alex disappearing into the car and Isak stepping backward to the doors. It was over. The distance between them grew, further and deeper, until it became a defined void. Isak carried the empty space where Alex had been back inside.


	19. Date

When Isak woke up on Sunday he was alone. _Alone_ alone. No one was next to him in bed, and no Norwegian texts were waiting for his time zone. He stayed in bed and stared at the ceiling for a while, getting used to the feeling. Alone. Single. Free.

Also: late. His shift started in 15 minutes. He threw back his comforter and did the bare minimum to get out the door: uniform, keys, wallet, phone, shoes. He had to run to the student center so he could stand behind a counter for six hours.

If he had woken up on time, or at least didn’t spend a vague number of minutes considering the state of his relationships, he would have packed his laptop and that stupid book he was supposed to be analyzing for his next essay. All he had now was his phone, and it only took him thirty minutes of his shift to scroll through most of his apps. Without schoolwork to distract him, nor any customers, he went back to worrying about what he should say to Even.

Because he hadn’t said anything since Alex left. Jackson had finally woken up around noon yesterday and propped open the door for Even; when Even got the text he yawned, waved goodbye to Isak, and slipped out the door. Isak knew he had to get some decent sleep—they both did—so once Alex was gone he didn’t bother knocking; he just did yet another load of laundry and passed out pretty early. 

But now what? Would they just go back to hanging out? Or could they kiss again? Isak knew what he wanted to do, and it made him blush just thinking about it, but he wasn’t sure what the new rules were. Somehow it had been easier being with Even when he had a boyfriend.

A steady flow of students came in for Saturday night recovery supplies. He sold overpriced packets of aspirin, energy drinks, and sugary bottles of iced coffee without saying a word.

He supposed, once the rush died down, that he could ask Even on a date. Something really low-key, maybe just dinner off-campus. They could just do it as friends and Isak could casually bring up the kissing. “It was fun, we should do it again sometime.” He rehearsed some lines to see how lame they sounded. He tried to remember what Alex had said to him at the very beginning, what had reeled him in. Isak flicked at his phone until he had scrolled back to their early text messages, and was shocked at how explicit they were. He deleted a few of the dick pics out of respect, but then seriously considered if those would work with Even. Alex clearly had been the pursuer in their relationship, but that was over now, so it was his turn to start chasing. He switched over to his notepad to draft a few texts.

Eventually he just sent something simple: _What are you doing for dinner tonight?_

A few seconds later a voice broke the silence from the front of the store: “Nothing.” Isak’s head snapped up from his phone, recognizing the voice and desperate to find the face. Blond waves dipped around a magazine rack and bobbed down an aisle toward the counter. “Why do you ask?” Even came into view, waiting for an answer.

“Uh…I…what are you doing here?”

“Answering your text. But also getting some snacks before I go to the library.” Even dropped a bag of pretzels and a bag of peanut M&Ms on the counter. “Brain food.”

“This explains a lot,” Isak teased, and Even took a step back in mock alarm.

“I’ll have you know that peanut M&Ms are earning me a B in Criminology.”

“Then I feel bad for charging you so much for them.” Isak rang them up and Even swiped his ID.

“You know…I do need help with a different class though, and the pretzels aren’t going to cut it.”

“Oh?”

Even coughed, and, for the first time that Isak could recall, looked a little nervous. It was strange, but cute; Isak smiled.

“Would you…would you join me at the ballet on Tuesday night?” Even stared at the counter as he spoke, then raised his eyes to meet Isak’s for the question mark.

“Yes, for your class, of course!”

“Great! But…also as a date. To be clear.” Even drew in a deep breath. “We’ll go into the city and have dinner and see the ballet and maybe go to a bar after and then I’ll kiss you goodnight.”

Isak’s smile fell as he blushed, and he quickly tried to correct his face, but Even noticed.

“Sorry, we don’t have to do all of that. I just—“

“No, no, I didn’t mean—yes I want to go on a date with you to the ballet. That is exactly what I want. All of it. I was just shocked and…and embarrassed that you know what I want. You read my mind.” Isak was nearly out of breath when he was done explaining, trying hard to erase his mistake and Even’s furrowed brow. They both recovered a bit.

“Really?”

“Yes. That was my text, actually. I wasn’t going to invite you to the ballet, but to go out to dinner. And kiss you goodnight.”

Now it was Even’s turn to blush, a rosy glow and a big smile and eyes softened with relief. “Then it’s a date. Tuesday. I’ll pick you up at 4:30.”

They looked at each other for a few more moments, in the relative quiet of the store. They let the reality of what just happened settle in: the peace of an answered question, of a mutual attraction. Date? Date.

Isak looked over Even’s shoulder when he noticed another person approaching. Even read his face again and gathered his snacks to go. “Tuesday. 4:30,” he said as he walked away. “Wear a suit!”

Isak could barely contain his smile for the next hour, daydreaming about the date as he tended to other students. He was finally getting what he wanted, and it ended up being easier than he thought. Not everything would be like that, of course, but it was nice to wish for something and then have it appear almost immediately, looking so damn good to boot.

Toward the end of his shift, Isak remembered that he still didn’t know what to do for dinner. He opened his phone. _Tuesday, 4:30. But what about tonight?_

_Can I bring pizza over when I’m done here?_

_Please and thank you._

Even sent back 17 kissy-face emojis. Isak took a screenshot of it.

* * *

Justin answered the door. “Please tell me those aren’t all pineapple.”

“Half of one is plain, but I’m holding it hostage until you answer a couple of questions.” Even sauntered around Justin, two pizza boxes in his left hand, high above their heads. He swung them down to the table, knocking Isak’s laptop in the process. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m done.” Isak closed his computer and cleared the table. Even opened one box and grabbed a slice, body-checking Justin when he tried to reach for one too.

“Oh fuck off, Even. I’m hungry.”

“Two questions.”

It felt like Even and Justin were continuing a conversation from earlier, so Isak had no idea what was going on. He picked up his own slice and sat back down to watch the faceoff. 

“It’s none of your business.”

“You don’t know what I’m going to ask!”

Justin tried to dodge around him.

“Yes, you’re going to ask about Alex.”

“Okay, fine, you know what I’m going to ask.”

“And it’s still none of your business.”

“Why do you want to talk about Alex?” Isak piped up, mid-chew.

“Just wondering about some things,” Even answered, without turning away from Justin.

“He wants to know how we hooked up.”

Isak was very curious about this as well, but played it cool. “Why?”

“Yeah Even, why do you want to know?”

After a short silence Even stepped aside, letting Justin get to the pizza.

“That’s what I thought. You already have one horrible roommate; you don’t want another.” Justin pulled up two slices and carried them to the couch, victorious. Even took his own slice and sat down next to Isak at the table.

Isak wanted to continue grilling Even about his questions, but opted to break the tension in the room instead. “Uh…how was the library?” 

“Good! The M&Ms did the trick.” Even threw him a wink.

“Are any of your finals starting?”

“No, nothing until after Fest. Still catching up on some things though.”

“Okay. Well let me know if you ever want to study together. I know a good spot in the library.”

Even smiled at him. “You’re such a cute nerd, Isak.”

“Alright guys, what are we watching tonight?” Justin had finished one slice and now had a free hand to wield the TV remote.

“There’s nothing good on Sunday nights.” Even stood up and walked over to browse the channel guide with Justin. He absentmindedly chewed his pizza, the blue light from the screen flashing over his face. “Nah. See what’s on Netflix.”

“Oh shit, you know what we should watch? That Planet Earth thing. Ahh wait lemme find it.”

“Like sci-fi?”

“No, it’s a documentary. But it’s amazing. Here it is. I was smoking with this girl once and she had it playing on her laptop and it was mind-blowing. I mean maybe it was the pot but we should still see if it holds up on its own. Nature is wild, man.” 

Even shrugged and went back to the table. He dropped his crust into the box and closed it. “Want to watch?” he asked Isak, holding out his hand.

Isak was pretty sure he had already seen the series, and he recognized the narrator’s voice as the episode started. But he decided to watch it again, partly because it was true, he’s a nerd, and partly because he’d watch anything if it were with Even. He didn’t take his hand though; he just stood up and followed Even to the couch. Justin was already leaning on one end, slack jawed, so Even flopped down in the middle and Isak took the other end.

They watched three episodes before Isak started to nod off. Mike had come home an hour earlier and joined them on the couch, squeezing in between Even and Justin. This pushed Even into Isak’s side, and Even had propped his arms on the back of the couch to make more room. The warm pressure of Even’s body and the soft exclamations he made at the camerawork drew out Isak’s tiredness like a sleeping pill.

“I think I’m done guys.” He used the remainder of his energy to push himself to his feet.

“You sure? It’s caves next. Creepy shit.” Justin pressed play on the episode.

“I’m good, thanks.” Isak twisted to face Even. “Are you staying over?”

Even drew his eyes away from the screen. “Am I?”

Isak gave a small nod, deciding for him.

“Okay then. I’m going to go change.” Even retracted his arms and sprung to his feet. All three of them watched him leave.

Mike cleared his throat. Justin paused the episode. “Isak, on behalf of all of your roommates, but specifically Justin, I do request that you do not have sex while any of us are in the same room as you. And when you do, please keep the noise down.”

“Uh, okay.” That was a perfectly reasonable request, and a rule that everyone else had followed thus far. Isak felt a little embarrassed though, recalling how loud he and Alex had probably been, in the heat of things, and the group assumption that he and Even were going to pick up where that relationship had left off. He was glad his roommates were comfortable confronting each other about things like this, but he still needed to lighten the mood. “What if it’s a really quiet blowjob?” Isak couldn’t hide his smile, and both Mike and Justin flipped him off.

Isak wrapped up the remainder of the pizza and put it in the fridge, tidying up the kitchen while he waited. Even returned shortly after, knocking quietly and then entering wordlessly when Isak opened the door. He had changed into sweats and a t-shirt, bringing his own pillow and toothbrush like a sleepover pro. They shuffled back to his dark room.

“Oh how I’ve missed this.” Just as he seems to do with every piece of furniture, Even flopped onto the bed, his whole body bouncing before he rearranged himself.

“You have a decent bed.”

“Not when you’re not in it.”

“You’re right, I do generally improve a room. You should see me in class.”

“I’d prefer the bed.”

Isak took care in shedding his clothes, not too slow that it looked like he was putting on a show, but not too fast that he betrayed his eagerness. They had slept together many times before, but now they were _sleeping together_ ; Isak marked the occasion by forgoing sweats of his own and climbing into bed in just a t-shirt and his boxers.

“When do you have to wake up? I don’t have anything in the morning.”

“Eight.” Isak reached over his head to where his phone was plugged in on his desk, straining to see the screen and turn on his alarms.

“You fool.”

“You know what they say: the early bird is a cute nerd.”

“While literally no one says that, I am confirming that it’s true. Come here.” Even’s wrapped his arm around Isak’s back and pulled him close. “I need to kiss you goodnight.”


	20. Rules

Isak’s alarm was ringing, but it sounded like it was coming from another room. Isak kept his eyes closed and tried to ignore it. He didn’t want to wake up; he didn’t want to move.

“Isak turn off your phone,” Justin grumbled from across the room. Even snaked his arm under Isak’s pillow, making his head roll, and pulled the phone out into the open air. Isak cringed at the full volume of the alarm. He finally opened his eyes, propping himself up on his forearms and taking the phone from Even.

“I don’t want to go to class,” he whispered to no one as he shut off the alarms. He was awake now but he still didn’t want to move. From the waist down he was trapped by Even’s legs and he liked the feeling of the weight.

“Then don’t. Can you skip?” 

Isak collapsed back onto his pillow, facing Even. “I could.” He had skip days that he hadn’t used while Alex was visiting. He tried to recall what they’d be doing in class today, or if he had to turn anything in. He didn’t need to go to his morning class, but he had to meet with his lab group later that afternoon.

“Stay here with me.” Even shifted the rest of his body closer to Isak and draped his arm over Isak’s back. He dropped his head down and left a light kiss on the tip of his nose. “We can do stuff.” To clarify what he meant, Even pressed his hips against Isak so he could feel his slight erection. Isak raised his eyebrows, then tried to hide his smile in his pillow. Even let out a soft chuckle. “Sounds like a plan.”

Isak was also sporting morning wood, and now that they had addressed the situation he was free to maneuver his own hips to get more comfortable. They hadn’t done anything the night before, just a few slow kisses before falling asleep. Even their sleeping positions had remained chaste, possibly out of fear of exposing themselves like they were now. They weren’t exactly hiding their attraction to each other, but Isak felt like there were still some rules to follow. After all, they hadn’t even been on a date yet. He certainly wanted to see Even’s dick—he had dreamed about it—but he wasn’t sure if he was actually ready for it.

“Ikke nå.” Isak drew up the comforter closer to their chins, tucking them in.

“When?”

“Later.”

Even’s fingers danced along Isak’s side, moving up and down. It was innocent, and the light touch tickled Isak, making him try to twist away. This just drew him closer to Even though, and Even tightened the twist of his legs to keep him there.

“How about now?” Even kissed him before he could answer, so all Isak could do was grunt against his lips. Even’s dancing fingers stilled and pressed, steady pressure from Isak’s side to his back, and then with a flick, up under the t-shirt.

Another spasm. Isak broke the kiss. “Your hand is cold.”

“Actually it's your body that is too hot.” Even dove in again so he couldn’t say anything, but Isak could still roll his eyes. Even used his cold hand to guide Isak onto his back and he went willingly, pulling the comforter with them and over their heads.

In the darkness Even settled down along Isak’s body, fitting himself between Isak’s legs. His hands still played with the t-shirt while they kissed, subtly inching it higher so he could touch more of his skin. Isak didn’t know if it was the cold or the direction or both, but by the time Even’s fingers reached his nipple he was gasping into Even’s mouth.

“Do you like that?” Even whispered. “Feels like you do.” Even slowly thrust his hips against Isak’s, their erections growing against each other’s. Isak’s arms wrapped tighter around Even’s neck, and then he started tugging at Even’s shirt too. Even pushed himself up on one arm and used the other to grab the back of his shirt and pull it over his head. When he shifted his weight back down, he moved lower, kissing the middle of Isak’s chest. He lightly licked Isak’s nipples. Isak’s hips jerked up in response and he exhaled heavily through his nose as to not let out a moan.

As much as he didn’t want him to stop, Isak grabbed at Even’s hair to get his attention. They made eye contact and Isak nodded in Justin’s direction. “Not now,” he whispered through gritted teeth. Even let out an exasperated sigh and dropped his head onto Isak’s chest.

“I appreciate the effort, Isak.” At Justin’s voice, Isak flipped back the comforter to reveal his face. Justin had gotten up and was dressed, standing at his desk. “I’m going to go to the dining hall. You fuckers have fun.” He finished packing his messenger bag and turned to leave.

“Thank you, Justin,” Even called out from beneath the comforter. Isak slapped at his head, embarrassed that they were caught and that Even was acknowledging it. It didn’t deter Even though; as soon as he heard the door shut he was back to licking Isak’s chest.

“Even, there are _rules_.”

Even lifted his head, throwing back the comforter further. “'No hitting Even' clearly isn’t one of them.” He took the pause as an opportunity to pull Isak’s t-shirt all the way off.

“I mean we can’t have sex unless we’re alone. We just woke Justin up and kicked him out.”

“That’s pretty standard practice, babe. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been woken up by Chris’s girlfriend’s high-pitched...whining.” Even scrunched up his face as he remembered the sounds.

“Chris is an asshole. We’re not assholes.”

“Okay but we _are_ alone now, so....” Even pushed his face into Isak’s neck, pinning him to the pillow as he launched an attack below his ear. His hands revisited his nipples for a moment, then kept moving south, finally hitting Isak’s waistband. Even’s fingers hooked under the elastic and tugged, slowly revealing taut skin, a small patch of light brown hair, and then the swelling of Isak’s dick. Once it was free of the fabric it smacked up against his belly, the only sound against Isak’s heavy breathing. Isak lifted his hips so Even could push the boxers down further.

Then he stopped. Even’s hands came back up so he could push himself off of Isak, hovering above him for a moment as he moved to sit upright. He nudged Isak’s legs together with his knees before settling down on his thighs, straddling him. He rubbed his own dick through his sweatpants and let his eyes roam over the sea of skin below him. He watched the muscles in Isak’s neck hold his body’s tension; he admired the nipples that had shriveled under his tongue; he counted the waves of his stomach that crashed with every gasp.

“Touch me.”

He didn’t. Even slowly leaned forward until his bulge pressed against the base of Isak’s cock. Isak hissed.

“I don’t know if that’s against the rules," he teased, pressing.

Isak gripped at the sheet below him. “My rule. Touch me.”

Even’s hands lightly gripped Isak’s hips, his thumbs rubbing across the border of his waist. Above the waist had been seen before, when Isak’s shirt would rise up or when he simply decided not to wear one. That was familiar territory, witnessed regularly in the apartment, though still thrilling. Even would think about the dusting of hair that grew below the bellybutton and the secrets it led to, how he was just a button away from enlightenment. He would think about it on his own, in the shower, and he would also think about it when he was sitting next to him on the couch, and he had to cross his legs until he left to “get some homework done.” He had memorized that abdomen for what he had seen, but now he was getting the full picture. Below the border the soft belly hardened across hipbones, flaring out to an ass and thighs that were flexing to create friction. But that was just a base, a mere bed for the cock that was lying in wait, flushed darker with blood and stiff with desire. With his grip Even pulled him closer, feeling the cock with his own, giving Isak the friction he demanded.

Isak’s hands released the sheet and clamped onto Even’s forearms. “Touch me,” he demanded, a little louder, as if Even hadn’t heard him the first time. As if Even wasn’t doing exactly what he wanted, moving at the perfect pace. Isak could make out the shape of Even’s dick through the pants as the material stretched along its length and darkened with pre-cum. He took matters into his own hands, abandoning Even’s arms to squeeze his dick. And then his own dick. And then both of them together. It was a blip of relief before the build-up began again.

Even dropped Isak’s hips and tore Isak’s hands away, returning them to the sheet. A whimper of disappointment drew him up to Isak’s face, where a small frown said everything. “Here,” Even responded, letting himself fall forward and replacing the pressure of Isak’s hands with his flat stomach. They were lined up and trapped, now at the mercy of Even’s thrusts. He tried to distract Isak with kisses, but as he kept up the rubbing, that glorious friction, his mouth fell open. It felt too good to kiss, it felt too good to use any other part of his body except his dick. He just breathed, hot and fast, against Isak’s cheek. Hotter. Faster.

“Ev—. Even I’m going to come.”

This is what sent Even over the edge. Isak could barely speak as he gasped for air, and the warning was the hottest thing Even had ever heard. He was going to make Isak come. He was making Isak come. The head thrown back, the heaving chest, the pulsing cock below him—it was too much. Even released into his pants, his thrusts turning reflexive and letting out a growl that was vaguely Isak’s name. He felt the wetness grow with each spurt, and as soon as he regained control of his muscles he reached down.

He touched. He stroked, once.

Isak choked out a moan, louder than Even expected, and his thighs shook with the orgasm. Cum flew up his chest, landing in the ridges between flexing muscles and dripping into that dusting of hair. Even let go.

He fell onto his side, leaving his leg draped across Isak’s, just like how they had started. For a while the only movement, the only sound, was their chests rising and falling as they returned to earth. When he could, Even leaned over and kissed Isak’s jaw, his tongue tasting the sweat that hadn’t evaporated yet. Isak turned his head to catch Even’s lips with his own. “Thank you,” he whispered into Even’s mouth. Even smiled.

Then he climbed over Isak, stepping out of bed and moving to the closet. “I’m stealing some shorts.” He pulled out a pair of shorts to replace his pants, stripping behind the bureau. When he walked back to the bed he used the pants to wipe down Isak’s chest; seeing Isak look up at him in sleepy awe almost made him hard again. He collected the rest of their clothes, the t-shirts and Isak’s boxers from where they had ended up around his ankles, and drew the comforter back over Isak’s nude body. “Laundry,” he said as he turned away.

Isak was asleep before he shut the door.

* * *

“What the fuck is that?”

“A suit, you dickhead.”

Phillip checked his phone. “It’s 3 pm on a Tuesday, you dickhead.”

“He has a date,” Justin shouted from their room. Isak struck a finger in the air in confirmation. Twisting in front of the mirror, he made sure the jacket wasn’t bunching up in the shoulders.

“Damn son, what kind of sugar daddy did you snag?” Phillip walked into the bathroom without waiting for an answer.

Isak had been nervous about the date, but a good kind of nervous. He was anticipating it. He was getting dressed unnecessarily early just to make the time pass faster. Now that he was dressed though, he still had an hour and a half to think of things to worry about. He returned to the bedroom, shrugging off the jacket. “Do they not know I’m going out with Even?”

“I highly recommend not telling Phillip until he has beaten Even on FIFA,” Justin advised, without looking away from his laptop. "It's no fun when you find out your friend is sleeping with the enemy." Isak chuckled as he hung up his jacket. “Anyway he must not have heard you yesterday.”

The hanger that Isak attempted to chuck at Justin’s head flopped onto the ground in the middle of the room.

“Wish Alex would’ve warned me about that,” Justin muttered. Isak crossed the room to deliver a proper punch to Justin’s shoulder, but then sat down at his own desk. They kept to their computers for a bit, that roommate silence.

“I still don’t get that, by the way,” Isak finally spoke to the wall in front of him. He heard Justin sigh.

“I mean, what is there to get?” Justin moved from his desk to Isak’s bed so he could face him. “When a cute guy offers to blow you, you don’t say no.”

Isak had to agree. 

“Also…well, you know. He was really bummed out. He didn’t deserve to come all the way over here to get rejected twice. Not that this is your fault,” he added quickly. “I just…it was like a pity fuck. A pity suck.” They both smiled at the rhyme.

“I’m sorry if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I…I knew you were already into Even and like, spent the entire week crying in bed, so…it seemed like a good time for his rebound.”

“No, you’re totally right. I don’t think it was wrong, I just didn’t understand it. Like, is that the first guy you’ve been with?”

Justin looked away and shrugged. “Not sure. Stuff happens.”

Isak nodded. He didn’t want to push, demand a definition. It had taken himself a while before he could answer to his sexuality, so he tried to respect that unsure time.

“Are…are you going to uh, keep in touch with him?”

“With Alex?” He pointed at Isak’s bed as if that was the only reference point. Which it kind of was.

Justin scoffed. “Oh Isak, just because you’re going to have a long distance relationship doesn’t mean everyone is. It was just a hookup.” He clapped a hand on Isak’s shoulder as he stood.

“What _is_ weird though,” Justin continued, “is why Even is so curious about it. Like I don’t get what stake he has in it.” Justin collapsed back into his chair and they returned to talking to each other while they stared at their computers.

“I don’t know. Maybe he was into him too.”

“He was mad flirty but I don’t think that’s it. Or if it was, it was pretty rude of him to do in front of you. Like, you can be horny and discreet at the same time.” Justin paused for a beat. “Well maybe Even can’t.”

Isak laughed. “He did pretty good for like a month but yeah, he’s…he’s hard to stop.”

“There is a very good chance I will have seen both of your boyfriends’ dicks before I graduate.”

“I hope they include that on your diploma.”

“It has been…an education.”

“You’re welcome.”

They continued to chat and joke, passing the time and getting a very small fraction of their work done. Isak started an outline for the last essay he needed to write for Expos and Justin rolled a joint. As the minutes inched closer to 4:30 though, Isak started feeling nervous again. He went to comb his hair and put his jacket back on.

When he finally heard the knocks his heart started racing. He had been thinking about this constantly, Even picking him up for a date, and now it was actually happening. He froze in the middle of the room, which meant Phillip got to the door first.

“Okay, why the fuck is everyone wearing suits?”

Isak unlocked his knees and slowly walked into the hallway.

“Hello Phillip. Is Isak here?”

Instead of answering, Phillip just let the door swing closed and shouted, “This is weird!” to the ceiling. Even caught the door and let himself in.

“I have an extra suit if you’d like one,” Even offered. He was smiling, holding back laughter, but made it sound sincere. Isak stopped in the hallway and watched Even enter, struck frozen again, at the sight of him in his suit.

He was wearing a fucking bowtie.

Isak wanted to run back to his room and change, but he didn’t have anything else to wear. Not that anything would look as good as Even in that sleek black suit, crisp white shirt, and shiny shoes that tapped across the linoleum. He tugged on his own jacket and collar, swallowing hard against the top button. He heard Even ask for him again in the living room.

“Wait a goddamned minute. Are you going on a date with _Isak_?” The way Phillip screeched his name finally got him to move his feet. Rounding the corner to the living room, he was struck yet again by the sight of Even, but he composed himself a bit faster.

“Hei.”

Even turned and a smile blossomed across his face. “Hey.” Up close Isak saw his hair was still a little wet, but still styled perfectly. And the suit was a deep navy, not quite black. “You clean up nice.”

“Thank you you look beautiful.” It came out as one rushed sentence, Isak blushing at his breathless compliment.

“Is this really fucking happening right now?” Phillip looked back and forth between the two of them. Even reached for Isak’s hand.

“Is there a problem?” Even asked lightly, but the challenge was still there.

“Yeah, we have our tournament to play.” Phillip gestured at the TV in exasperation. Even tried to stifle a laugh. “I thought it was weird you dressed up to play a video game but I don’t know, dude, you say some weird shit.”

“I’m sorry, Phillip,” Even tried to apologize through his giggles but the sincerity didn’t quite make it out this time. Phillip dropped to the couch and crossed his arms.

“Yeah, whatever. Go on your date.”

“Tomorrow, dude. Promise.”

Phillip waved them off. Even tightened his grip on Isak’s hand and led him out of the apartment.

“Did you seriously already have a date with Phillip?” Isak asked as they walked to the elevator.

“Ah, technically yes. We have a regular thing on Tuesdays. Didn’t you notice?”

“Did I notice that you were on my couch on Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, and Thursdays, oh and Mondays...?”

Even smiled. “Point taken.”

Even dropped Isak’s hand when he went to press the call button, and Isak was relieved. Holding Even’s hand felt strange, too intimate to be enjoyable, but he didn’t want to show his discomfort. He didn’t know if he’d be able to explain why, considering that they had held hands before. And it wasn’t like they were in public; the hallway was empty. Even rested his hands in his pockets while they waited.

“Hey—“ Even started, just as the elevator opened. He held the door for Isak.

“Yeah?” Isak replied once the door closed.

“Oh, right.” They began their descent. “I wanted to get this out of the way before we had an awkward debate, but uh…this evening is on me. I’m paying. And I don’t want you to bother with offering to pay even if it’s just for show, or…or feeling like you owe me anything for it. We’re going to have fun and you aren’t going to worry about any kind of cost. Is that okay?”

Isak nodded. “Thank you. That’s very kind.” He hadn’t actually given any thought to it, but he was grateful for the ground rules this early in the game. He was used to paying for Alex, though it had taken a while for them to get into that groove, and involved plenty of grabs for the check with half-hearted promises about “next time.” Not having to put up with that pageantry already made this one of the best first dates he’d been on, and it had only been going on for about five minutes. As Even ushered him out of the elevator Isak gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Very kind.”

* * *

They took the train into the city and grabbed a cab to get to the restaurant. Even had meticulously timed out the evening, from the various modes of travel to the number of courses, so they arrived at the theater with just enough time to settle into their seats before the lights dimmed. Their seats were in the highest tier but it wasn’t too crowded, so they had space to spread out. They read the Playbill in the dim light. Even extended his legs into the aisle.

“Shakespeare again.”

“Hmm?” Even leaned in to hear Isak over the rustling of the audience.

“Another ballet based on a Shakespeare play, like the first one you went to.”

“Ah, yes that’s the theme for the whole season. This one might be a little more modern though.” The orchestra had been warming up, but faded to silence as the lights went down. They trained their eyes on the stage and watched the curtain rise to reveal a moonlit forest. Blue light flooded from the stage and drew them into the night.

Isak wasn’t familiar with the story, but occasionally Even would lean over to whisper a quick explanation for a new character or a pas de deux. When the curtain fell for intermission, Isak flipped open the program again to reread the summary and prepare for the second act.

“Do you want to get something to drink?” Even stood up to stretch.

“Sure.” Isak did the same, and they shuffled down the aisle out to the lobby.

After a short wait in line they carried their ridiculous cocktails to a secluded corner. They sipped and watched a mostly older crowd swish past, sharing an occasional snarky comment and wondering what kind of life involved the ballet on a Tuesday night.

“So...are you enjoying it?”

Isak almost surprised himself with his response: “Yes!” Ballet wasn’t his thing; he was just grateful to have an entire evening with Even, but he ended up properly invested in the performance. “The dancing is impressive but also, like, we’re sitting in our seats watching something on a stage and yet I feel like I’m inside it. It was almost upsetting that there was an intermission, that it had to stop.”

“Well it’s not over. We’ll go back to it.”

“But it will end, eventually.”

“Sure, all stories do. But the good ones end in a way that they live on forever. How many times has this story ended, on paper, on a stage, on a screen? And yet we just saw the beginning. Again.”

Isak nodded, keeping quiet as he thought about what Even just said, running it through his mind a few more times. It was quite technical but also romantic, an observation and an analysis. It made sense in both his heart and his head.

The lobby lights flashed, signaling the imminent start of the second act. They threw back the rest of their drinks, not letting the overpriced sugary sting go to waste, and returned to their seats. Settling in for the rest of the show, Isak watched the stage lights illuminate Even’s face before they returned to the forest.

* * *

“Would you mind terribly if I cut the evening short?”

Even had drawn Isak to the side, out of the current of theatergoers spilling into the street. Night had arrived in the city, bright and cool.

“What were you planning?”

“I thought we could go for a nightcap at this nice bar downtown but…I’m about to fall asleep.” He conveniently yawned for emphasis.

“Of course. We should get back anyway. School night.”

“Yeah, and I have a big tournament tomorrow. Let's go.” Even reached for Isak’s hand again, drawing it up for a quick kiss across the knuckles and then leading him through the dissipating crowd. The agreement to end the date early was both a blessing and a curse, as acknowledging their fatigue seemed to let it take over. They were slow to get to the subway, and then they had to wait for a later train back to campus.

In the station they waited for the departures board to announce which track they’d be leaving on. Even stood tall, head raised and eyes fixated on the screen. Isak was next to him, still holding his hand and leaning slightly against his shoulder. It was just them, a few homeless people, and some commuters finally escaping the office. Isak looked around and noticed that everyone was minding their own business, or sleeping; no one cared about the two boys in their mismatched suits. Isak pivoted to face Even, staring at him for a few seconds until he looked away from the screen. Once he had his attention, Isak used his free hand to slowly tug at the bow at Even’s neck until the tie hung loose from the collar. Even smiled.

“Thank you for going out with me.” Even squeezed Isak’s hand.

“It was fun. We should do it again sometime.” Isak smiled at his own little joke and then let himself fall forward into a kiss. They bumped teeth and noses but it was merely an awkward introduction to something longer and softer with hooded eyes and parted lips. 

Even drew back. “That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”

Track 11 flashed onto the screen.


	21. Library

Isak texted Even when his shift was over. _Where are you?_

He replied swiftly: _Guess._

Isak changed his shirt in the storage closet and made a beeline for the library, where Even had been spending most of his spare time trying to catch up on class work and study for his exams. Isak knew where to find him.

When he rounded the corner he saw Even with headphones on and typing aggressively on his laptop. Isak tapped him on his shoulder when he arrived, to avoid scaring him, and then took the seat next to him.

“Hi babe. How was work?” Even asked without looking away from the screen. Isak let him finish his train of thought before answering; when he was done he slid his headphones off.

“Fine. Nothing exciting.” They leaned in for a quick kiss. Isak took a survey of the corner to see how much company they had. A few girls were hovered over one of the other tables, but that was it. There were still a couple of weeks until exams so the library was light. “What do you want to do tonight?”

“Jackson said there’s a party in the tower.”

“Want to go?”

“Yeah, if I can get this shit done.” Even was a few pages into an essay about a sonnet, a photocopy of the poem covered in notes and highlighter lying next to his laptop. Isak reached over to read it.

“It’s amazing that you can turn fourteen lines into fourteen pages.” Isak watched as Even went back to typing.

“It’s amazing that someone turned fourteen pages-worth of emotion and action into fourteen lines.”

Not for the first time, Isak was struck with a slight fear at what Even said. It wasn’t a physical fear, or a sense of danger, but something that made him feel small. The disruption of the different perspective wasn’t necessarily something he was meant to accept point blank, but it was an unknown that he wasn’t allowed to ignore. The world was just made bigger, and he couldn’t do anything about it except stare. Even kept typing.

“Can…can I read it?”

“The poem?” Even glanced at the page in front of Isak.

“Your essay.”

The fear had been replaced with a hunger. When presented with an unknown, Isak could not help but try to solve for it. What was Even seeing that he didn’t? Why hadn't he felt this hunger before?

“Uh, sure. I’ll email it you when I’m done. But it’s…it’s an essay about poetry. Like that’s a boring burger with a side of boring.”

“And yet you can still write fourteen pages about it.”

Even shrugged as if to brush it off, but smiled. “It’s only three pages right now, and you keep distracting me.”

“Distracting you? I’m distracting you?” Isak shifted closer in his chair and dropped his voice. “This is nothing.” He loved a good challenge.

“Oh?” Even loved one too. He turned and stared Isak down. “Show me whatcha got.”

Isak stared back, dancing between Even’s eyes the way you have to when you’re too close to someone. But then he moved down, slowly along the slope of Even’s nose and pausing at his mouth. He let his breathing get heavier and reached out a hand, but stopped before making contact. He hovered, with his eyes and hands and heartbeat. Isak stared at that mouth, that chin, that neck, and what he could see of the collarbone peeking out from the t-shirt. As his eyes moved lower he let his memories of what he’s seen take over. His open mouth turned up at the corners as he recalled Even’s chest and belly, skin that was slightly lighter than his face and as soft as the waves of his hair. He remembered how it looked when it was towering above him, on top of him, how it would collapse into rolls and expand with every pant. He kept going, past the belt, and settled on Even’s crotch. For a while. He made Even feel his stare, feel what his body made him do just by looking at it. Then he let his hand drop to rest on Even’s knee.

Even’s thighs twitched in response. “Okay,” he laughed. “That’s a good start.”

“Shall we keep going?” Isak slid his hand up, slowly conquering more and more denim. He finally cut off his stare, meeting Even’s eyes again, briefly, before surveying the room.

No one was looking.

“Do you think you could be quiet?”

Even laughed again. “Are you serious?”

Isak reached his zipper and started rubbing. Even stopped laughing. Isak smirked as he felt him harden.

“Wait, Isak—“ Even grabbed at his wrist but didn’t move his hand away. “Have you done this before?”

“Distracted someone? All the time.”

“Oh fuck off.” Even rolled his eyes. With his free hand he slammed his laptop shut and collected his papers. Isak squeezed. “Fuck!” Even hissed. He stood up fast, forcing Isak to drop his hand unless he wanted to be exposed. With both hands free, Even packed his bag and turned to leave.

“Let’s go,” he threw the command over his shoulder. A couple of girls turned at his raised voice. Isak scrambled to follow.

He caught up with Even’s long strides halfway through the stacks leading to the stairs. Isak was about to fall in step at his side when Even spun around and used his momentum to push Isak back against the books. Before Isak could say anything Even’s hand was pressed against his belly and sliding straight into his pants. Isak gasped when he felt skin on skin.

“If I have to walk out of here with a boner,” Even whispered into Isak’s ear, “so do you.”

Isak smiled, then bit his lip as Even’s fingers tugged all the way from the base to the tip. “That’s…fair,” he breathed.

Isak had been planning on stopping once Even cried uncle, fine with giving him blue balls just to win the challenge. He thought he’d recover and return to his essay, just like when they’d fool around in the morning but then get out of bed before it went too far. It was fun getting riled up and then cooling down, knowing that there would always be a later to return to. But now it didn’t seem like Even wanted to play games. He was still hard, pressed up against Isak’s hip, and his hand wasn’t slowing down. He leaned to the side and sucked a hickey into Isak’s neck.

Isak couldn’t handle Even’s wet tongue at his throat; he remembered he had hands and used them to push his head away. “That’s _not_ fair.”

“Did the job though,” Even smirked. He withdrew his hand with one luxurious stroke, and Isak had to adjust his shirt quickly before he _actually_ exposed himself. Even pressed a kiss to his cheekbone. “Okay let’s really go.” He took Isak’s hand and led him out of the library, walking fast to disguise their little game.

* * *

They heard voices as they neared the apartment.

“Ugh, is Chris home?”

“He’s always home. Plus the girlfriend. She comes over whenever we go out.”

“Great. Fine. Later.” Isak unclipped his keys. As he unlocked the door Even started humping him from behind, grunting quietly over his shoulder. “What part of ‘later’ don’t you understand?” Isak whipped around, slightly annoyed.

“The part where you wanted to give me a handy in the library.” Even gave him a soft kiss to appease him.

“We’re at the apartment. Rules.” Isak opened the door and fell backward inside, making Even almost lose his balance.

“Hello boys.”

“Isak! What’s good? Even.” Justin greeted them through the remainder of his hamburger.

“Are we going out tonight?”

“I haven’t heard anything, but it’s still early.”

“Jackson said there’s something here tonight. I forget which apartment.” Even dropped his backpack and took a seat on the couch. Mike handed over his controller for a bathroom break.

“Sounds good.” Justin stood up to clear his plate. Isak followed him to the kitchen so he could take stock of his food and make something for dinner. He hadn’t gone shopping in a while, so their options were limited.

“Are you okay with rice and beans?” Isak called out to Even.

“Do you have eggs?”

“Uh…yes.”

“Rice and beans, please. I’m going to add a fried egg.”

Isak turned on the stove and pulled out some pots and pans. He started a shopping list in his head as he plucked what he needed from the cabinets and fridge. Now that he was feeding Even more often he had a chance to do some proper cooking without wasting food or making a mess for just one person. He liked that.

While the rice was boiling Isak checked his phone. He was surprised to see a snap notification from Alex, the first kind of communication they’d had since he’d left. It was nearly midnight in Norway; he wasn’t sure what to expect. Isak looked up at Even. Mike had returned and reclaimed the controller so Even was just watching the game. Isak turned the stove down to simmer and joined them on the couch.

“Alex sent a snap.”

It took a moment to register with Even, but then he shifted his attention to Isak. “What was it?”

“I haven’t opened it yet.”

“Do you want to?”

Isak shrugged. Even lifted his arm and curled it around Isak’s shoulders, pulling him into his side.

“Can I open it?”

“There’s a good chance it’s a dick pic.”

“Then he’s definitely opening it,” Justin joked from the table. Even flipped him the finger…and then opened the snap.

It was shaky and dark; it looked like Alex was recording the sidewalk. At the very end though, it flashed to a guy leaning against a wall, lit by a sign above him. He looked taller than Alex due to the angle, and was smoking a cigarette. A second snap played almost in reverse: the guy against the wall, then the phone returning to the sidewalk. But this one had text: “boyfriend material?”

“Is he…asking your opinion?”

“I guess. He’s at the club.” Isak tapped through a few other snaps of various Friday nights in progress.

He didn’t say anything else because he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what Alex wanted, and he didn’t know what Even wanted, and he didn’t want to offend either of them. Maybe Alex was too drunk to realize who he had sent it to, or too drunk to expect a reply. Isak swiped out of the app.

“Wait, you need to answer him!” Even tried to grab the phone with his left hand and nearly choked Isak. Isak dropped the phone out of shock.

“Even, what the hell!” Isak backed out of Even’s grasp while Even bent down to get the phone.

“He’s got potential. Let’s replay it.”

Isak shot a look at Justin, who returned it.

“How about ‘Go for it’? Or maybe just a thumbs up.”

“Don’t send him anything.” Isak reached for the phone but Even held it up high, a reply in the works on the screen. “Even!” Isak lunged across his lap.

“Whoa!” Mike yelled when he was pushed over the edge of the couch. “Dude.” He paused the game. “Even, give Isak his phone back. Please do not wrestle while a match is in session.”

“So many fucking rules,” Even mumbled. He handed over the phone.

“Calm your tits. Just snap him from your own phone.”

“Wh—“ Isak huffed. He had regained control of his phone but not of the situation. Even pulled his own phone out with a sneaky look on his face. “Why are you friends with him on Snapchat anyway?”

“Because we’re friends in real life? Chill out, I’m just giving him a little encouragement.”

Isak settled back into his corner of the couch. Mike resumed play, and Even waited for a response from Alex.

“They’re going back to mystery man’s place,” he reported.

“We don’t need to hear this, Even.”

“Fine.” Even clicked his phone off and leaned into Isak’s face. “You’re so cute when you’re mad.” He puckered his lips for a kiss.

“I’m not mad, I’m annoyed. As usual.” Isak gave him a small peck anyway. “Why is everyone in this apartment obsessed with Alex?”

Even looked at Justin. Justin looked at the kitchen.

“I…” Mike filled the silence, “do not give a fuck about Alex.”

“This is so weird.” Isak shook his head and went back to his phone. He shot Jackson a text asking where they should go and then checked his snaps again.

Alex sent another: _i hate how cute even is_

> _me too_

> _hop on that dick yet?_

> _no_

> _i'm getting mine. you should get yours._

Alex signed off with a kiss.

Jackson replied: _Robin’s, #714_

“Have we been to Robin’s? #714?”

“Yeah, like a while ago. You played pong with her,” Mike quickly explained just as he scored a goal. “Fuck yeah.”

Isak remembered; he remembered playing against Jackson and chasing Even’s blond hair most of the night. He had a good time with Mike and Robin, and they did a decent job of distracting him once Even was gone. Isak looked at Even, at the blond hair sitting next to him, finally. He reached out and ran his fingers from Even’s temple to the back of his neck. Even leaned his head into Isak’s hand, closing his eyes.

“Do that again.”

Isak repeated, adding pressure to the waves. His fingers settled in the curls and stayed there, played there. Even’s head was heavy on his arm.

And then he noticed the smoke.

“Shit shit shit shit shit.”

* * *

They didn’t eat dinner. Or at least not properly. Isak scraped burnt rice into the trash and they ate a random mix of snacks to fill up. Even still fried an egg. Isak started pregaming once Phillip got home, working his way through a six-pack at the table.

“Play your music Isak. Let’s get pumped.”

Isak connected his phone and put on his russ playlist. Everyone remained seated, drinking calmly, except for Phillip, who hopped around the room. Even laughed. “Were you russ?” he called across to Isak.

“Unfortunately, yes. My friends were all doing it so….”

“This beautiful music!” Phillip paraded down the hallway and back. “Has been brought to you by!” Jazz hands. “Peer pressure!”

“Phillip is pumped enough for all of us.” Even checked his watch and then stood. “Isak, can I borrow a shirt?”

“Sure.”

As Even walked past he gracefully picked up Isak’s hand, drawing him to his feet as he moved. “Help me pick one out.” He trailed Even to his room.

“I didn’t realize that was code.”

Even twirled him toward the closet. “It wasn’t. I need a shirt.”

The small smile that had crept up on Isak’s face disappeared. “Ah.” He tried to cover his disappointment by swiftly selecting a plain white tee.

“Just kidding.” Even stepped forward, pulling his shirt over his head, and caught Isak’s mouth with his own. When Isak’s smile returned Even made it bigger with his tongue. Isak brought his hands up to Even’s bare back and drew them down his spine. He tickled at his waist, then squeezed them past his waistband, getting a good grip while his mouth worked hard against Even’s. When Even leaned back to catch his breath Isak had to lick at the saliva that had escaped. He didn’t let go of Even’s ass though, keeping him trapped against his hips. “Literally every word I say is code for wanting to fuck you.” Even lightly touched Isak’s chin. “By the way.” He dove back in.

Justin walked in a minute later, averting his eyes as he made his way to his desk. “Don’t mean to interrupt, gentlemen, but we’re leaving soon.” Even detached himself and Isak’s hands returned to the cool air. Justin dug a few joints from his hiding spot.

“White?” Even picked up the tee that Isak had let fall to the floor. Isak nodded while he dropped it over his head and tugged it down.

“Uh…you look like twins,” Justin commented as he pocketed the joints. Isak was also wearing a white shirt and jeans. They looked at each other and Even shrugged.

“It’s a good look. Let me just do my hair and we’ll be ready.” They all left the room, Even stopping at the vanity to comb up his pompadour. The roommates gathered a variety of beers and Isak shut off the music. Eventually they loosely congregated at the door, silently checking each other for any faux pas, and then left the apartment behind.

* * *

Isak felt a wave of déjà vu standing at the beer pong table. He and Robin were defending their title, Mike cheering them on, when Isak caught a flash of blond by the door again. Even was talking to Jackson, sipping from a bottle of water among a sea of red cups. Isak admired him between tosses, feeling that same desire to catch his eye, but with less anxiety this time. He knew it would happen eventually. He knew the head would turn instead of disappearing behind a closing door. Robin was hitting her stride, and they sailed through a few more games.

Around 1 am Jackson sauntered up to the table. “I believe you owe me a rematch Isak.”

“I was wondering when you’d be ready to lose again. Step up.”

Robin waved off the current game and the crowd shuffled around Jackson. There were some grumbles, but Jackson started his whole warm-up routine again and earned some laughs for it. They racked fresh cups.

“Which lucky lady gets to be your partner this time?” Robin asked.

“Since it couldn’t be you, I had to go second string.”

Robin gave him a sarcastic pout, but Isak blanched when he saw Even part the crowd and step up next to Jackson.

“Faen,” he breathed. Robin looked quickly from Even to Isak and back again.

“Is he any good?”

“I…don’t know. Probably.”

“Well it looks like we just lost our height advantage.”

“Nervous, Valtersen?” Even called out from his end of the table. Isak recovered his bravado.

“About what?”

Even raised his arm and pointed at Isak. “Your ass is mine.”

Isak raised his arms in response, his wingspan covering the table. “Come and get it.”

Mike rolled his eyes at the obvious flirting. He leaned close to Robin to catch her up on the situation. Her eyes went wide and she slapped Isak’s shoulder. “You better not go fucking soft on your boyfriend.”

Isak smirked. “Never.”

Jackson made the first toss.

* * *

It turned out that Even wasn’t great at beer pong. He missed pretty consistently, and Jackson was drinking for the both of them. Jackson wasn’t too upset though, because it was a pretty fair game so far. Isak was losing his touch.

“Buck up, dude!” Robin shoved him after he missed another cup. “You’ve totally lost it.”

Isak didn’t argue. He was struggling. It was difficult for him to not look at Even, especially during his turns, when Even would smile and lick his lips and run his fingers through his hair, flexing his bicep as he rolled his shoulder. That was the game Even was playing, not beer pong.

“Looks like I’m being a little…” Even took his shot and sank it. “….distracting.”

Isak let out a bark of a laugh. Even had him, and he knew it, and Isak knew it. He didn’t want to lose though. He didn’t want to let Robin down, especially since she was aware of the stakes. He couldn’t go soft.

“Come on, we have two more cups,” Robin muttered to herself. Her aim was true, and Jackson drank. He was equally determined though, and knocked out another cup in return. Robin made Isak take it.

Isak locked eyes with Even and drank slowly, bringing the cup to his lips and tipping it back in one smooth, drawn out motion. He saw Even’s gaze drop to his throat as it pulsed with each swallow, and he tilted his head back a bit further with the last gulp. Isak smiled, seeing Even’s mouth fall open a bit. He tossed the cup and took the last ball from Robin.

“Think you’re going to make it?” Even asked, escaping his stupor.

Isak set his feet and raised his hand, making a few practice swings.

“I know I am.”

“I wouldn’t get too cocky, Isak.” The way he said it, almost a whisper in the noise of the room, made Isak look up. Even held his stare for a moment, then stepped back from the table. He clapped Jackson on the shoulder and kept walking, weaving his way to the door.

“What the fuck!” Isak shouted. He felt his feet jerk in response, stepping away from the table before the rest of his body realized what he was doing.

“Just toss, Isak.” Jackson commanded. He reset his feet and shook his head, trying to focus.

Even stopped at the door, turning to watch.

Isak threw the ball, giving up the second it left his fingers. He didn’t bother to see how it landed; he was moving, pushing, aiming for a new target. Even stood still as he approached, but before Isak got too close he spun around and whipped open the door. Isak chased him into the hallway.

“Who won?” Even shouted from around the corner.

“Who cares?” Isak replied, hopping into a jog. The blond hair kept disappearing. He heard the elevator ding around the last corner. When it came into view the door was already closing. “Fucker!” He lunged, sticking out his arm to trigger the sensor, and Even grabbed his wrist to pull him into the car. The momentum threw him against the back wall; he barely caught himself with his free hand.

Even clucked. “Don’t be mean.”

Isak twisted to face him, pulling his arm out of Even’s grip. “Don’t run away from me.” He meant it as a joke, but it came out with a whimper, a hint of honesty.

“I’ll try.”

They kissed for five floors, separating only when the elevator doors started to close on 12 and threaten descent. They kissed in the hallway, blindly stumbling in the general direction of #1218. They kissed at the door, Even unclipping Isak’s keys because his hand was closer to his hip. They kissed and kissed and kissed, melting into the darkness of the empty apartment.

Isak walked Even backward, trying to press him up against something, anything, so he could stop chasing. They finally hit the counter. Isak weaved his legs between Even’s, grinding his hips against the growing hardness. That’s what he wanted. That’s all he wanted, right there, right now. He started to push up on Even’s shirt but that was just wasting time. He broke the kiss so he could look down and get to work on the belt. Even leaned back, gripping the counter and offering up his erection. It was a struggle getting the latch in the dark, but once Isak whipped it apart he moved to the button and then the zipper in record time. He pushed the denim off of Even’s hips and pressed his palm against Even’s boxers. It grew in his hand.

Even dropped his head to Isak’s shoulder, his breaths coming heavy and hard. Isak paused for a moment, relishing the control he had before taking the next step. He had felt Even, he had touched Even, he had stroked Even, but he hadn’t seen him yet. There was always clothing or sheets in the way, and an imagination to make up for it. But now, oh now he needed to see it, to taste it, to have it.

Isak let go, moving his hands to the waistband and dragging the elastic out and down. He felt the hard cock pop out against his leg, a small moan of relief exhaled into his tee. He gently pushed Even back, pressing his torso upright so he could drop down. His knees hit the linoleum.

_I won._


	22. Distance

Isak spit the cum into the sink. He ran the water and cupped his hand, rinsing out his mouth with a swish and another spit. Even stood still next to him, his chest rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath. Isak swiped at his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Are you okay?”

Even gulped and nodded. “You’re…you’re really good at that.”

“Thanks.”

Isak’s phone buzzed. He pulled it from his back pocket and checked the text. _Going to Riverdale for the night._

_Be safe_ , he replied.

When he looked up he saw Even tucking himself back into his pants. “Are you tired?”

Even looked up at the ceiling as if to test the air for fatigue. “Don’t think so.” He winced as he finished buttoning his jeans.

“Good. Justin’s not coming home.” Isak stepped closer to Even and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck. He kissed him softly.

“Is that code for something?” Even asked into his mouth.

“Let’s find out.” Isak linked his fingers with Even’s and led him back to the bedroom. Halfway down the hall, though, Even stopped.

“Wait.” He didn’t let go of Isak’s hand but he turned to the wall and knocked his forehead against it. “Argh.”

“Do you not want to…?” In the dark it was hard for Isak to read Even’s face. He moved closer, inserting himself between Even and the wall. “Hello. Hei." He kissed Even’s bottom lip.

“I want nothing more. I just…never have.”

“You’ve never had sex?” He asked softly, to disguise his shock. He could have fooled Isak.

“I’ve had sex with women. Never a man.”

Isak kissed him again. “I think that might change tonight, if you’ll let me.”

“I just don’t know what I’m doing.”

“That’s fine. I will show you.” Isak tightened his grip on Even’s hand and resumed his path to the bedroom.

Isak tried to remember what it was like, the first time he had sex with a man. It was the first time he had sex with anyone, so everything was new. He wasn’t afraid of sex, exactly—he had been too aroused to hesitate—but he was afraid of doing something wrong, and that made him nervous. If this is what Even felt, then he would just have to show him what was right. He knew Even would catch on quick, though it wasn’t going to hurt anyone if they went slow.

In the room Isak turned on the lights. It was bright but necessary; he wanted to see everything. He climbed onto the bed, on his knees, and pulled Even to join him. “All you have to do…” he drew Even’s arms around his waist and settled his own across Even’s shoulders. “…is repeat after me.”

Isak kissed. Even kissed back.

Isak pushed. Even pushed back.

Isak let go so he could take off his shirt. Even followed suit. Once they were tossed aside Isak pressed his chest to Even’s, wrapping his arms around him, and dragging him down to the bed. They started on their sides, just kissing again, but then they let their bodies dictate the steps. Isak hooked his leg over Even’s so that when he rolled to his back Even came with.

Even was comfortable with this. This is what they did almost every morning, staving off the rest of the world under the warmth of the comforter. They touched and listened and learned, as quietly as they could, what made their breaths shake and muscles quiver. Even knew he could turn Isak on with a look, but he also knew what would keep him there for hours. He stuck with this for a while.

Their jeans started to hurt, both of them too hard to enjoy the constraint. Even rolled off of him to unbutton and shimmy out of the denim. Isak stood up. “I have to go clean up.” He pointed at the bureau. “Good luck finding one that fits.”

“What?”

“Condoms.” Isak pulled open his top drawer, grabbed a towel from his closet, and disappeared into the bathroom.

He cleaned himself the best he could in record time, his dick straining to get back to Even as fast as possible. The two-minute shit and two-minute shower felt like two years with an erection. When he was done he was relieved to see the lights were still off in the rest of the apartment, that they had a bit more privacy for a little while longer. He stepped back into the bedroom with a cheesy flourish, whipping off his towel.

Even was back on the bed, leaning against the wall fully naked. He was lightly playing with himself with one hand and scrolling on his phone with the other. He had two condoms next to him; Isak went to the drawer to get the lube.

“Porn?” Isak asked when he heard the moaning. He walked over and climbed onto the bed, not stopping until he was straddling Even’s thighs. He tried to peek over at the phone but Even shut it off and tossed it aside before he could get a good look.

“Research.”

Isak’s hands replaced Even’s on his dick, enjoying the softness of the skin and the heat as it swelled. He kissed into Even’s smile and rolled into his body as if distance shouldn’t exist. They were belly to belly and Isak ran his hands up to Even’s neck. He touched a path for his mouth to follow. “That explains why you kiss by the book,” he whispered into Even’s skin.

Even pinched Isak’s butt. “We are naked. Please do not insult me with Shakespeare.”

“Isn’t that like, dirty talk for you?”

Even laughed, bouncing Isak in his lap. “I think you might need to do some research too.”

“Okay, so…what gets you going?” Isak returned to kissing Even’s neck.

“Yup, that uh, that’s a good start.”

Isak took a slow, meandering route, sucking on Even’s shoulder, nibbling at his nipples, and licking at the salty skin in the middle of his chest. When he couldn’t arch his back any further, he climbed off of Even’s legs and stretched himself along the bed. He pulled Even’s hips closer to him, forcing Even to slump further down the wall. Even watched as Isak moved in and kissed his dick, teasing, and introducing his tongue.

“I don’t think I can handle that again.” Even ran his hands through Isak’s curls in a half-hearted attempt to pull him off his cock. Isak replaced his mouth with his hands.

“I’m not going all the way, but I need you to be really hard.” Isak kept stroking, watching the foreskin slide and milking a couple of drops of pre-cum. Once it started to pulse and curve, move against his hand, Isak thought he was ready. “Okay?” He looked up at Even, whose head was thrown to the side and face nearly pressed against the wall.

“Fuuuuck is this really happening.”

Isak stopped and pushed himself up onto his knees. “Hey.” He waited until Even looked at him. “This isn’t happening until you want it to.”

Even quickly propped himself up on his elbows. “I do I do I do I do.” He sat all the way up and kissed Isak. “I do.” They kissed to reassure each other.

“But…what if it hurts. What if I hurt you?”

“Then I’ll tell you to stop. And you will.” Isak put his hand back on Even’s dick. He didn’t want to force Even, but he also didn’t want to lose the erection to fear. “You know what I like, and I’ll tell you what I don’t.”

Even let out a heavy exhale, agreeing to the terms and what Isak was doing. He kept nodding slowly so Isak kept going. “I…I do like when you….moan.”

“Yeah?” Isak leaned in as if to give him another kiss, parting his lips, but stopped short and moaned into his mouth instead. Even closed the gap, done with the teasing. He felt the vibrations from Isak’s throat run through his teeth.

When Isak pulled back he let go of Even’s dick and watched it slap against his belly. He took a moment to admire its length, again; this was the longest dick he’d seen in real life and it absolutely thrilled him. Isak twisted around and crawled across the bed, gathering the condoms and lube that had been buried in the mess of sheets. “Are these the biggest ones I have?”

“I think so.”

“Alright. I’ll get bigger ones for next time.” Hands full, he shuffled back across the bed. “Now, before we snap a too-small condom on this giant dick I need you to finger me.” Even laughed, and seeing him relaxed enough to do that made Isak smile. “Have you ever played with an ass before?”

“I think, like, accidentally.”

“Not even your own?” 

He shook his head. Isak picked up one of his hands and started licking. “What a waste of these beautiful fingers.” He took Even’s middle finger into his mouth, as far as it would go. Even held his hand limp at first, staring at what Isak was doing, but when Isak sucked on it his whole arm twitched. The rest of his hand gripped Isak’s chin and gently pushed at his face.

Isak tried to leave as much saliva on his finger as he drew it out. “You’re going to start with one, and go slow. Sit up.” Even pushed himself over to the wall. Isak swung his leg over and settled back onto Even’s lap, straddling his thighs. He arched his back a bit, lifting his ass and pressing his balls against Even’s. Even’s hands were light on his hips as he moved but once he was situated he gripped at his cheeks. His fingers crawled closer to his crack and the anticipation made Isak shiver.

It was soft and warm and still a bit damp from the shower. Even ran his finger up and down, across the puckered skin, feeling it pulse under a faint layer of curls. Isak’s breath hitched at the teasing tenderness, but he reached back for Even’s hand before he went further. Even balked but followed Isak’s eyes, waiting for direction. “Another rule: you can never have enough lube.” Isak grabbed the bottle and flicked it open. He tried to spread some on Even’s fingers in the sexiest way possible, but it felt like he was in the doctor’s office. “Okay, please resume.” Isak kissed him, opening up his mouth and distracting him a bit. Even closed his eyes and found it was easier to get back to his ass just by touch. 

They started with one finger and oh, it felt so good. Isak relaxed his muscles and steadied his breathing. He could feel each knuckle slip in; he backed up onto Even’s hand for more. He pressed his own fingers against Even’s chest and was pleasantly surprised when Even mimicked the motion in his ass. “That’s it…yes.” He humped himself on Even’s finger a bit longer, keeping Even hard with his hand and feeling his hole loosen. Even kept his eyes on Isak’s face, reading his reaction to each move he made, ready to stop at the slightest expression of pain. “Another one,” Isak grunted. Even complied.

There wasn’t any pain, so far. Even was gentle, almost too gentle. Isak encouraged him to use three fingers, and then to move them around a bit. When he squeezed Even’s dick he felt Even’s fingers curl; Even tried to apologize. “No that felt good.”

“You are…incredibly tight,” Even whispered into Isak’s shoulder. It felt like Isak’s ass was pulling on his fingers and didn’t want to let go.

“We’re getting closer. You still okay?”

Even responded by clapping Isak’s ass cheek with his free hand. Isak gasped from the shock but then giggled. Even laughed at the giggle, high-pitched and cute when his face scrunched up. This just made Isak laugh harder though, until they were caught in a silly cycle. Even tried to stop but then he just thought about how they were laughing while his fingers were in Isak’s ass and it made him start all over again.

Isak fell forward against Even when the laughter made his stomach hurt. He tried to catch his breath. “Okay…okay maybe we’re done.” Even removed his fingers as slowly and gracefully as he could. Isak wrestled his top sheet from the comforter and used it to wipe Even’s fingers.

“Was that good?” Even asked softly.

Isak looked down at his erection. “Uh, yeah.” Even hadn’t exactly mastered the art of a fingering but he did pretty damn well for his first time. Isak pressed his dick against Even’s for emphasis. “Ready?”

“I’m going to be inside you.”

“Babe, you just were.”

“Fingers don’t really count.” Even lightly rolled his eyes before looking off to the side. Isak touched Even’s chin, drawing his face back to his.

“Everything counts. This kiss counts.” He left a soft peck on Even’s cheek. “This kiss counts too.” He moved down to Even’s neck, opening his mouth against his skin and pressing with his tongue, sucking with his lips. “It counts when I don’t kiss you.” He sat back and locked eyes with Even. “It counts when I’m sitting next to you and can’t touch you. It counts when I’m in class and can’t stop thinking about you. You’re going to be inside me, again, because it all counts.” 

Even nodded. “Okay.”

Isak picked up the condom. He worked in silence, tossing the wrapper, pinching the tip, rolling it down Even’s dick. He squeezed out more lube and applied it to Even with a few strokes. Another squirt went to his asshole. He slipped his finger in, glad to feel that he was still relatively loose. Another quick wipe at the sheet, and then Isak was up on his knees. “Put your hands on my neck. Kiss me.”

He was trying to distract Even again, the way you give a child a lollipop before you pinch their arm with a needle. Isak made the kiss messy, forcing Even to focus on it and push back. He used his hands to spread his cheeks and line up Even’s cock, settling the tip at his opening. That light touch, before he even began to descend, made him moan.

Isak relaxed, then pushed out. He closed his eyes, better to envision this first slow plunge, and their kiss faded away as both their mouths fell open. Shallow breaths counted the seconds; Isak took it inch by inch.

Even’s hands dropped from Isak’s shoulders to his thighs. They were shaking from holding all of his weight so Even held them and pushed up.

“Too—too much?” Isak gasped and froze.

“No, it just feels like you’re going to fall over.” Even gave a small thrust of his hips to keep going. Isak reached behind to feel how much more they had to go, and the involuntary clench made Even yelp.

“Sorry sorry sorry sorry,” Isak hissed.

“It’s okay, but…gah…I don’t know if I can go much longer. Can you just…sit down?”

Isak wasn’t sure. They had been going slow enough that it didn’t hurt, but he was already so full. He wasn’t ready to bottom out. “Just hang on.”

Even adjusted his grip on Isak’s thighs, determined to stick with the pace that Isak needed. It was a lesson in pain management and delayed gratification. Isak leaned closer to Even, rolling his hips forward, then back. “How’s this? Can we do this?” He shifted his weight to his knees and humped himself on the top half of Even’s dick.

“Oh fuck, yes, we can do this forever.” His hands moved up to Isak’s waist. Isak gave himself a quick tug then placed his own hands on the wall on either side of Even’s head. He needed more support to keep riding him, and pushing off the wall helped him raise his ass higher. Even matched Isak’s bounce with his own thrusts.

It started to feel good again, the friction overpowering the tightness, pleasure radiating from Isak’s asshole. “Oh…oh…oh…” Isak’s head fell back and he let the rhythm punctuate a steady moan. Even loved it. Knowing they were out of the danger zone, that they could get this far and still enjoy it, gave him the confidence to move his hips a bit more freely. They rolled together in arcs that met and fell away and met again.

For a few minutes they cursed and moaned and worked up a sweat. Even slapped Isak’s ass again but they didn’t laugh; Isak just asked for more. “Shit I love that.”

Another slap.

“Ahhhhhh.”

Without realizing it, Even had pushed further into Isak’s ass. Not all the way, but close. Isak’s thighs had his waist in a vise and he was dripping sweat from the effort, the heat. Even ran his hand up Isak’s back to collect the sweat and brought it down to Isak’s dick. It had been slapping between their bellies with the movement, but now he stilled it in his fist. He squeezed and pulled, eating up how it made Isak’s face go slack and his eyelids flutter down.

“Jesus I…I’m close. Keep doing that.”

Even timed his thrusts to his strokes, making Isak bite his lip. Isak was getting fucked by Even and fucking Even’s hand, and the pressure climbed from both ends.

“So close. Can you come with me?” Isak tried to focus on Even’s face, for an answer and for a delay. But Even never slowed, he just stared back, and when he reached up to pinch Isak’s nipple, Isak couldn’t hold back. With a mix of a groan and a yell Isak exploded across Even’s chest. Every muscle in his body spasmed with each spurt and it wouldn’t stop. Isak couldn’t hold himself up against the wall so his hands slipped to Even’s shoulders. He held on for dear life as Even continued to thrust into his ass, drawing out his orgasm and ramping up to his own. Even gathered the kind of speed that you can’t control, the kind that chases pleasure as fast as it can. He let go of Isak’s dick, letting it drop into the pool of cum running down his belly, and wrapped his arm around Isak’s waist. He held his torso in place, grabbed as much of his ass as his free hand could hold, and drove into him as if this were his final mission on planet earth. Nothing existed beyond him getting there.

Isak chanted Even’s name over his shoulder, his voice the only thing left that he could control. Soon though, he was drowned out by the warning: “I’m coming, I’m coming, I—ahhhhhhhh….” Isak could feel the hot semen filling the condom; he tried to squeeze his ass the way Even had squeezed his dick. Even’s thrusts slowed to sporadic jerks as his orgasm faded out.

“Even,” he continued, in a whisper. “Even. Even. Even.”

Their heart rates slowed and their breathing evened out. Isak rested his forehead on Even’s and they looked at each other, knowing that they did it: distance didn’t exist. The cum and sweat cooled on their still bodies. When Isak felt like he could move again, felt that Even’s sensitivity had died down, he lifted himself off of his cock. That last pull out of his ass sent aftershocks down his legs and he collapsed across the bed.

“That was fucking amazing for your first time,” he said as his eyes fluttered shut again. Isak felt the bed move as Even climbed out, his height casting shadows across Isak’s eyelids. He listened to the squish of condom removal and the rustle of towel as Even cleaned himself up. He tuned himself to Even’s movements in a desperate attempt to remain awake, present. He felt Even tug at the sheet under him.

“Please,” was all Even said. Isak opened his eyes and rolled to the wall. Even whipped up the sheet, bundled it with the towel, and pushed them down into Isak’s hamper. The light disappeared with a click.

“Such a tidy fucker,” Isak mumbled into the comforter. He smiled when the bed shifted again with Even’s return.

“Come here.” Isak twisted his head to the other side and reached for Even’s shoulder. He pulled himself closer, until half of his body was draped over Even’s like the missing sheet, one of his legs hitched up at his hip. With his last conscious breath he inhaled Even’s scent and warmth and satisfaction. Mission accomplished.

* * *

The sound of a camera shutter dragged Isak out of unconsciousness. “What are you doing?” he asked the darkness.

“Working on my essay.”

When he heard Even’s voice he realized he couldn’t feel him. He opened his eyes and lifted his head, finally finding Even at the other end of the bed, sitting up against the wall and illuminated by his laptop screen. “What time is it?”

“Almost five.”

“Did you sleep?”

“A little.”

Isak watched him type. “Aren’t you tired?”

“Always. But I’m so nervous about this paper and I really need to finish it.”

Isak felt guilty about distracting him. And worried. Sleepy and guilty and worried, he pushed himself up and over to Even. He settled in next to him, a position that reminded him of something. He watched Even type some more, working out the question in his head. He didn’t quite get there. “Is it…?”

Even stopped typing. “No,” he finally said. “It’s me trying to salvage my GPA and graduate with you.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” Isak shrunk a bit. He was relieved that they were next to each other and not face to face, that the darkness and Even’s shoulder hid his shame.

“You did mean that, but you don’t need to apologize for it. I understand where it comes from.”

Isak looked up at Even and saw the patience in his face. “Where,” he whispered.

Even didn’t respond, or at least Isak didn’t think he did. Even kept typing. Isak let his gaze drop back to the laptop, not wanting to interrupt further.

But there, on the screen in bold font, was the answer: BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME. THAT’S WHERE IT COMES FROM.

“I do not!” Isak nearly screamed when it registered. He pushed himself away from Even, scrambling to his knees.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Isak squinted at him. “Is this…is this a sex thing? Because I was the first guy…?”

“Uh no, this is a truth thing. You love me.” Even spoke down to him like he was explaining two plus two equals four. He didn’t wait for Isak’s rebuttal; Isak watched him delete the answer and scroll back up to his essay.

“I don’t,” he said, but Even was already ignoring him. Isak twisted himself back under the comforter, back up to his pillow. He huffed, alone in his cocoon.

As his shock dissipated and he drifted back to sleep he wondered: How did Even know?


	23. 1218

Isak was waiting for a text from Jackson with a total headcount. Fest was swiftly approaching and Isak was buying the tickets so no one would have to stand in line. One of the few perks of his job. He had given Jackson until 4 pm to get him a final number, but he checked his phone constantly anyway.

He took turns manning the ticket table with another student, so they had breaks behind the main counter in the quieter store. Behind the counter he sold Red Bulls and blue books and gum and thought about what he should make for dinner. He and Even were settling into a nice routine, eating together when they could, studying together when they had quiet, and waking up together every morning. Isak enjoyed this schedule and was already dreading its disruption with exams and Fest and then…graduation.

Just like Alex, here was another thing Isak was avoiding. And again, it was because of Even. They hadn’t talked about it, but the truth loomed ahead of them: the end of school meant the end of Isak and Even. Isak flicked his phone open and slowly scrolled to the email from the HR department at his research facility. They were reminding him to send his latest transcript, proof that he was still on track to join the program when he returned to Norway. He had been keeping his advisor in the loop, but it was passive, as if the next steps were happening to someone else and he was just delivering the news. _My life is on track. The wrong one._

He swiped away when Jackson’s text finally arrived. _Ten please. Seven for us and three for a few ladies._ He sent back a thumbs up and waited for his next rotation to the table.

* * *

They coordinated their return to the apartment via text. Even announced each landmark he passed on his way back from the studio. It made Isak smile, and kept his mind off the future he didn’t want to think about. He arrived at the tower lobby before Even and stood in front of the elevators, checking his phone.

_There’s a really hot guy standing at the elevators._

Isak looked up and around, to find who Even was talking about. There was no one else in the lobby. He rolled his eyes when he realized, and turned to the front door to see Even swing inside. “I honestly don’t know if I should laugh at you not getting the joke or how fast you looked around to find the hot guy.”

“How about neither?” Isak punched the call button. Even walked right up to him and pressed a hard kiss onto his cheek.

“Hot and grumpy. Love it.” He gave him a quick slap on the ass as they walked into the open elevator.

“How was class?” Isak took in Even’s outfit, his black tights underneath basketball shorts and sweat marks lingering on his light grey t-shirt.

“Fun. I can almost lift a girl over my head.”

“Impressive.”

“You’re next.” Even leaned back against the wall and gave Isak a lewd smile. Isak rolled his eyes again.

“Oh that reminds me, I’m going into the city on Saturday again, for my last ballet. Do you want to come?”

Isak pulled up his mental calendar. “Don’t think I can. I have an afternoon shift that won’t end early enough. Wish I could though.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m going to come back to yours though, so stay up.”

Isak nodded. Even had been staying at Isak’s almost every night, mostly because Justin was more relaxed about it than Chris. Whenever Chris was gone they stayed at Even’s, for the privacy, but that was rare, and hardly ever on the weekend. So Even was slowly moving in. He left his laptop on Isak’s desk and they mixed their clothes in the laundry, wearing whoever’s was clean. Except the tights. So while everyone was used to Even staying over, he made sure to clear it with Isak every time.

They left the elevator and walked to Isak’s apartment. As Isak unlocked his door, another text came in, another landmark. _Shower._

“Why?” Isak asked Even as he shouldered his way into the apartment. There was that lewd smile again. “Seriously?”

“Seriously what?” Justin was in the kitchen eating macaroni & cheese, a late lunch…or early dinner.

“Even wants me to cook one of his mother’s recipes,” Isak covered smoothly.

“It’s really good, but can get messy.”

“Aww, tonight?” Justin looked down at his food with regret, as if he had just spoiled his dinner.

“No, another time. I need to buy some ingredients first. I’ll give you a heads up. Oh, and I got our Fest tickets today.” Isak patted his backpack as he shrugged it off his shoulders.

“Thanks dude. I’ll Venmo you.”

Justin went back to his macaroni and Isak followed Even to his room.

As soon as the door was closed Isak was pressed up against it. Even’s face was in his neck, his breath hot on his skin. Isak could smell the sweat from his class; it was a scent he was beginning to associate with sex, and even though Even was right in front of him, right on him, he could only see flashes of Even above him, dripping sweat from his temples, his nose, his chest. Holy shit.

Even was mouthing Isak’s face and tugging on his hands, his body unfocused and all over. “Shower,” he finally breathed, as he gave Isak an inch of space.

“Seriously?”

“Yes,” he answered, eyes locked on Isak’s mouth. “I just spent an hour and a half touching the wrong body. You need to start taking me seriously.” Even pushed himself away then, going straight for Isak’s closet and pulling down two towels. Isak moved away from the door and whipped off his shirt. They tried to act casual as they moved from the bedroom to the bathroom, as if that would disguise the fact that they were going to monopolize the shower for the next forty minutes. Even turned on the water then returned his mouth to Isak’s neck.

By Isak’s count, they had had sex every single day since they’d started, which was impressive if only because they both had roommates and actually cared about their classes. It wasn’t easy to find the time and space to be alone together, but they’d managed. And this was the first time they’d had to resort to the guise of a shower. Isak had forgotten what it was like to have sex so regularly with this much variety, and it was one of the many reasons he was so grateful to have Even in his life. Not all love is sex, but sometimes a great part of it is.

Isak managed to remove his pants and underwear while the top half of his body was busy with Even. He kicked his clothes into the corner and then went to work on Even’s t-shirt.

“Whoa.” Isak pulled his lips from Even’s with a smack. “What are you wearing?” Shirt removed, Isak’s hands were tucked into Even’s waistband. His fingers felt skin where he expected fabric.

“My tights? From class?”

“No, this.” Isak’s finger hooked under a thin strip and pulled.

“Ahhyaaayaaahhhh” Even’s hips jerked backward. “Fuck, that’s my dance belt.”

Isak removed his hand but got a firm grip on Even’s hips and spun him around. He yanked down on the tights to reveal Even’s ass, divided by a strip of nude fabric that disappeared between the cheeks. “That’s a fucking thong. You’re wearing a _thong_.” Isak was shocked, but his penis recovered quite swiftly. Holy shit part two.

“It’s a _dance belt_.” Even finished stripping and his clothes joined Isak’s in the corner. Isak stared at the small piece of nude fabric and elastic on the ground, apparently more into it than the nude boy in front of him.

“Thong.”

“Have you not seen one before? How else do you think those asses look so smooth on stage?” Even turned and stepped into the shower, disappearing into the steam. Isak quickly returned to the task at hand and followed him.

“Can’t say I focused too much on that at the theater.”

“You should. Part of the whole ballet experience.” Even squirted a large amount of shampoo into his hand, lathering up Isak’s hair and then his own with the leftover suds. They looked at each other through the water.

“Do you like it? Wearing a thong?”

Even rolled his whole head to the side, but gave up on arguing the term.

“It’s not uncomfortable. But I’m not like, wearing it to all my classes. Just when I have to wear tights.” Even pushed Isak’s head back as he rinsed his hair. “Do you like it?” He had added a sexy drop to his voice.

Isak was silent. He didn’t have a firm response, aside from his dick, and he wasn’t sure exactly what caused it. The thong? The ass cheeks that the thong nestled between? The whole body of the man in the shower with him, washing his hair and moving on to the loofah? He was overwhelmed with attraction and didn’t care to find the source. So he just linked his arms around Even’s waist, pulling him close, and let his head fall back again under the water. That was another thing that Isak was grateful for: Even was good at knowing when they were done talking.

The heat from the water and Even’s mouth warmed up the room and slicked his skin. They danced in and out of the spray, working with the slippery friction to get lathered up. They tasted like soap but it didn’t matter. It was dirty. It was clean. And apparently it wasn’t enough. Isak was still fixated on Even’s ass, and he wondered what it felt like to wear a thong. While his eyes were closed and lips were occupied, he ran his fingers along where that thin strip had been. Even mumbled something into his mouth. “Hmm?”

They separated. “Is it my turn?”

Isak tried to flick his wet hair out of his eyes so he could look at Even properly. He wasn’t sure what he heard, over the noise of the water, if the question held fear or anticipation or guilt. But Even’s face didn’t provide any additional clues; it just shone with plain curiosity. “No. But I’m going to touch you.”

He didn’t know exactly what Even wanted and it was scary not being able to find an emotion to lead his response. So Isak went with what he wanted: to make Even come with his fingers. To introduce him to his own body and share his shortcuts. To make his legs shake. To feel his chest expand and collapse with impossible gasps.

“Please.”

They stepped back together, legs between legs, erections pressed into the suds clinging to their hips. Even held Isak’s face in his hands and kissed…everything. Isak returned one hand to Even’s ass and began stroking his dick with the other. The water helped.

Even resisted, at first, like a body is wont to do. But then he willed the tension away, thinking of other things. He focused on the fingers circling his penis and the flavor of Isak’s skin. It was different from how he smelled, but still related. He recognized it now, and could crave it. He could crave it even when it was pressed against his tongue.

Isak’s finger was inside and barely moving, just enough, and in time with his other hand. It felt like one motion that pulled and pushed Even’s hips and spilled a warmth through his body. “Good,” he let out, more a sound than a word.

“Yeah?”

Even nodded. He dropped his hands to pay attention to the rest of Isak’s skin, tagging each inch until he was matching Isak’s grip and tempo. If there was pain it had been quickly massaged into pleasure. Even’s curiosity, of what it would feel like, of being aware that he could actively feel there at all, was being sated. And then _what_ turned into _more_ before his mind could register the answers to those questions. Good.

Isak could read Even again. He knew how his breath changed and used it to guide his finger. When he was far enough in, and stroked in the right direction, he heard Even choke and felt the clench. Even stiffened…everywhere. Isak pulled out and let go. He bent down to squeeze out more soap and washed his hands under the cascade of water. Even was gasping, but not the way he wanted.

“That was different.”

“Good?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll save the rest for later.”

“But what about now?”

Isak smiled at the impatience, the result of a successful tease. He returned to his place between Even’s legs, his hands ready to finish the job. “Now?” A grip, a twist. One hand moved up and down, the other palmed heavy balls.

“N-now.” His fingers squeezed under the head and lingered. His hand moved past the balls. He pressed on the perineum like a doorbell and waited for an answer. “Hello.”

Then came the rhythm: stroke, stroke, breath; stroke, stroke, gasp; stroke stroke, moan. Even tried to keep up with his own hands but gave up, gave in. He leaned into Isak’s touch and held himself up with his hands on the wall behind them. “Fuck, yes. Just like that. Keep going.” Even closed his eyes and dropped his head to Isak’s shoulder. He felt like he had to pee, and come, so he focused on the latter and humped into Isak’s hand.

The thing about sex, at least with Isak, was that Even lost everything. He lost his sense of time and place, he lost reason and emotion. He didn’t have a past or a future; just that moment and then next and the next. He couldn’t hold on to the words that managed to escape his throat, and he didn’t know where they came from. He was reduced to a feeling and the instinct to chase, with Isak always just ahead.

He heard the command: “Come.” He felt the command at the base of his dick. A few more strokes, the speed and the sound of the water, were a sloppy frenzy. Even was leaning full tilt to the edge. With one last press of the fingers, a clean smear across his taint, Isak pushed him over. Even usually kept to low grunts and coaxing words, but this time he nearly shrieked as his abs convulsed and hips jerked. Isak controlled Even’s spray with his other hand, pointing it up to their chins and feeling each drop almost sting with a heat that was somehow hotter than the water that tried to wash it away. Isak saw a brain and a body completely detached, but both overwhelmed. Very very very good.

Even, done chasing, waited for his breath to catch up. He was still leaning against Isak, his dick slowly softening between them. Isak felt Even’s muscles twitch and shudder against him, and he ran his hands over the aftershocks with a sense of pride. He loved a good education.

* * *

They didn’t get to dinner until much later. Everyone was back at the apartment but it was quiet: headphones were on and keyboards were clicking away. Isak was starting a single pot pasta dish and Even was helping by grabbing at Isak’s ass every time he walked past the counter Even was sitting on. Isak had forgone boxers after the shower, so Even was enjoying the easy handful through the thin plaid pajamas. Isak was too. With the rest of the guys holed up in their rooms they took advantage of the privacy of the kitchen, kissing between ingredients and distracting themselves from their hunger with scattered conversation.

“Do you have a name?”

“For my friends?”

“Yeah, like a group name. We had that a lot in high school. I don’t know who came up with them, but you just referred to people by their crew. Like freshman year we had these girls called ‘The Niners,’ and no one knew why, but they just called them that. There weren’t even...nine of them.”

Isak let out a soft laugh and started turning the chicken. “Um, I don’t think so. Maybe people called us something, but we didn’t have a name for ourselves.” The pot sizzled. “Or…wait, we used to have names in the group chat. Where’s my phone?”

Even picked it up off the counter and leaned toward the stove. Isak swiped it open and scrolled to his group chat. He felt a hint of guilt that no one had said anything in over a month, but it also wasn’t out of the ordinary. He sent an emoji in penance.

“Well, we used to have a name. We’re just a bunch of shit emojis now.” He held up his phone to show Even just as a reply from Magnus came in. _Heard about Alex. Sorry man._ “Oh. Can you stir?” Even hopped down from the counter and took Isak’s spot. Isak turned away to answer.

He gave a quick recap of the breakup, trying to be diplomatic about it. All of his friends knew Alex and hung out with him during the year, so Isak wasn’t sure what stories they had heard. He didn’t know how he came off in the whole thing, though he wasn’t too concerned about being painted a villain. He snuck a picture of Even’s back as he stood over the stove, right before Even turned around to ask about the milk. Isak sent the picture to the group. _I’ve moved on._

“Yeah, all of the milk for five minutes, and then the pasta.” Isak had slipped his phone into his back pocket and he could feel the vibrations as the texts came pouring in. He ignored them, returning to Even’s side to oversee the cooking.

“It looks like a lot.”

Isak shrugged. “We have roommates.”

“You know, in my head I call you guys 1218.”

“Our apartment?”

“Yeah. Like, I know your names but I don’t use them when I think about you.”

“We’re just a collective number?”

“Yup, just a bunch of faceless dudes I mooch off of.”

“Mooch me.” Isak tilted his head up for a kiss. Even delivered.

“That was cute.”

“Well, you know….” Isak brushed off the compliment.

Even did know. He knew how cute and smart and kind Isak was. And he knew, despite Isak’s protests, that he was in love with him. Sometimes Isak didn’t guard his expressions, and oh the things he said in his sleep. Pieced together with all that he’d done for Even, with Even, it seemed clear. And Even was so relieved.

With the milk cooked down a bit Isak poured in the pasta and reached in front of Even to turn down the burner. He set the timer on his phone, then started moving around the kitchen for plates and silverware. Even stirred.

Someone knocked at the door, and Isak went to answer it. Jackson followed him into the apartment. “Long time no see punk.” He punched Even on the shoulder and peered into the pot. “This is some domestic ass shit,” he muttered under his breath.

“Who invited you?” Even tried to sneer back, but failed.

“Your boyfriend.”

Jackson walked over to the table and helped Isak set it. They left the rest of the plates on the counter for whoever wanted to come out and eat. When the timer started ringing from Isak’s pocket, Even clicked off the burner and carried dinner to the table.

“Sit down. Before I forget I’m going to grab your tickets.” Isak disappeared down the hallway, but as he tended to do now, Even listened for him. He heard the padding of his feet, and the muffled dinner invitation extended to his roommates. When Isak returned he was followed, again. He set Jackson’s tickets on the counter and then everyone dove in.


	24. Laundry: Redux

Technically Isak only had one exam between him and graduation. And an essay. But he had done well for the semester, so neither of them threatened his grades to the point where he was worrying. He made progress on his outline on Saturday morning, and felt good about it by the time he had to go to work.

He only had a little over two weeks before his flight home, so Isak started planning for that. He set aside a couple of boxes after he restocked the shelves and tried to figure out what he could ship home in advance. Most of his things weren’t worth bringing back to Norway, so he’d let his roommates take what they’d want, but there were a couple of marked-up textbooks, some pots and pans, and clothes that he could part with early. He started a list, and that helped pass the afternoon.

Even sent him a selfie of his suit, hair styled up and lips pursed in a considerate expression. _Kjekk_ , he replied.

_11:30 PM. Be ready._ To be absolutely clear, Even added five eggplant emojis. Isak laughed.

But then he switched to Justin’s messages. _Going out tonight?_

_Probably Riverdale._

_Do you know about the others?_

_No. I am not your sex secretary._

Bubbles…

_Sexretary._

Isak sent a block of middle fingers back.

That wasn’t why he was asking. He genuinely wanted to know where the guys were hanging tonight, to see if he could join. He was very much aware that his time with _everyone_ was running out, not just with Even. He didn’t know where his future would take him, but he doubted he’d have many opportunities to see the guys from #1218 again after he moved back home. It was the only thing putting a slight damper on the end-of-the-year activities, and Isak found himself spending more time at the apartment just to be around them more often. As soon as his shift was over he headed back, cardboard tucked under his arm and an empty evening sprawling out in front of him.

* * *

Phillip and Mike were staying in. They ordered a pizza from Gina’s and had a tournament going on the TV. Isak drifted in and out, keeping tabs on the game when he needed a break from his essay. They gossiped about Justin’s friend at Riverdale, what they knew about her, how far they’d gone. Isak asked about Sammy, if anything was happening with Phillip.

“I thought there was some…chemistry.”

“Yeah, I dig her. But she’s like…too cool for me.”

Isak had to admit Sammy was terribly effortless. But they would’ve been cute together.

Even sent him a photo during intermission. Isak’s heart jumped, hopeful for another selfie (he had a folder on his phone now), but almost started crying when he saw what it was. Even had taken a picture of two older men in suits, leaning on the railing at the edge of the floor above the lobby. Their heads were close together, and Isak could tell one was talking and the other listening. It was the caption, though, that made his heart seize up and eyes water.

_Us in twenty years._

They hadn’t talked about it at all, what’s going to happen after graduation. Isak knew what was going to happen, what had to happen, and Even must’ve too, which made this little dream hurt a lot more than it should’ve. Isak played along though, not letting their tomorrow get in the way of their today.

_Glad my suit game has improved._

_It hasn’t. I just let you borrow mine._

_Fuck you._

_Please._

He never failed to make Isak smile. Isak remembered his text from earlier and excused himself: it was time for a shower.

* * *

Around 11 Isak was getting tired. Mike and Phillip were still playing, but it wasn’t the kind of game that kept Isak’s attention. He had showered and changed into pajamas, and moved on to chores to stay awake. Even texted when he was on the train, just as Isak was stuffing clothes into his hamper.

_Might still be doing laundry when you get back._

_Sexy._

He grabbed his phone charger, detergent, and carried it all down to the basement.

It was quiet down there, below all of the floors with pumping music and loud students. Isak had his pick of the machines, which meant he could sit on the one closest to the wall and charge his phone. He loaded up a washer and settled in.

It was during times like this, when he was mindlessly scrolling through other people’s photos, that he let himself entertain his regrets. What if he had searched for a job in America? What if he had applied for graduate school? What if he emailed the research facility and pulled out? They were ridiculous fantasies, he knew, but it helped him focus on the logic of it all. He had to go back to Norway. Even would stay here. He could wish for a life that didn’t have Even in it, and it might be easier, but it would be without Even. Worse. So he should just appreciate the fact that Even moved in across the hall from him, that he got locked out, and that every moment since then has drawn them closer together. He was grateful for that. And for the job he had straight out of university. How lucky.

Besides, maybe…they could be long distance. It had worked pretty well with Alex, for the most part. He could handle it, and they could visit each other. They could go to the ballet in twenty years. Maybe he could come back to school after his internship. Or find a job here.

It concerned Isak how undefined his future looked. He had started the semester with such a clear path, a straight checklist of things to do in order to get home and move on to the next stage of his life. And now he didn’t know what his next tick should be. He couldn’t even tell what he wanted it to be. That is, until it walked into the room. “Halloooooo.” Even wound his way around the first row of washers to reach Isak perched on his own.

“Hi!” The sight of Even in his suit, bow tie dangling from his collar, sent a jolt of energy through Isak. He sat up straight, tracking him with his eyes, and readying his body for the kiss that Even walked right into.

“Mmmm.” Even cradled Isak’s jaw in his hands, not letting go even after they parted. “I can’t believe I spent the whole day away from you.”

“It was so difficult.”

“Let’s never do it again.”

“Okay.”

Even’s thumb tugged at Isak’s bottom lip. His eyes dropped from Isak’s to his mouth, and he traced the bow of Isak’s lips with the rest of his fingers. Isak glanced at the door, knowing they were alone but still in public. He could feel Even gearing up, preparing for worship, and while Isak would never stop him, someone else might. They remained alone though. Even’s mouth picked up where his fingers left off.

Isak shifted forward on the machine, letting his legs hang until his toes touched down, but remaining propped up on the edge. This angled his hips against Even’s, and they found their natural position, just off center. Isak smiled at the little sound Even made at the adjustment.

“Can we go upstairs?” he asked when they broke for a breath.

“No, the guys are home. And my load isn’t done.”

“But what about my load?” Even whined, running his palm across the front of his pants and defining his erection.

Isak shoved Even’s chest with a considerate amount of force. “How fucking long have you been waiting to say that.” He rolled his eyes but couldn’t help letting out a little laugh. It was so bad that it was good. He turned around and lifted the lid on the machine, catching the spin cycle winding down. Even recovered from the shove and pressed himself against Isak’s back as he pulled out his clothes.

“Technically I’ve only been waiting to say it since you texted, but I originally thought of it that first time I saw you down here.” Even kissed Isak’s neck.

Valentine’s Day. “How romantic.” Isak carried his pile of damp clothes over to a dryer, Even trailing along like a puppy dog. Once he had started the machine and turned around Even pounced, pinning Isak against the vibrating metal. They felt the heat and the buzz.

“This would be interesting. Can we…here?”

They both glanced at the door this time.

“How fast can you be?” Isak was in.

“How quiet can you be?”

Isak twisted his nipple through the pressed shirt. But then he led Even to the far corner of the room, where Even could bend him over a machine and anyone coming in through the door wouldn’t see them right away. He didn’t need to be charged with indecent exposure, risking his entire career and visa for a quickie, but apparently Even’s dick was worth it. He swiped the machine in front of them, turning on an empty cycle so the water would drown out any noise.

Even tossed a packet of lube and condom onto the lid, and then they both dropped their pants, underwear clinging to their legs on the descent. They kissed, briefly, as they rushed into prep. Even spit into his hand and started stroking while Isak applied the lube to his hole, willing himself to loosen up in record time.

“Not going to lie, I’m a little surprised you’re okay with this.”

“We almost did it in a library, and there were actual people around then.”

“Yeah, but we weren’t going to go that far. Besides, I thought it would be against one of your _rules_.”

“Fuck off, those are apartment rules.”

“So as long as we’re somewhere else I can make you scream?”

Isak rolled his eyes and let out a soft grunt as he added another finger. “I want to see you try.”

“Not this time.” Even grabbed Isak’s shoulder and spun him around, pressing him into the machine again.

“Wait, grab a t-shirt.” With his free hand Isak pointed to the lost & found hamper in the other corner of the room. Even quickly waddled over, pulling up his pants as he went but leaving his dick swinging in the open air. He picked out a particularly raggedy-looking red one and waddled back. The sight made Isak laugh but did nothing to scare his boner. He ignored the cold metal of the machine as he adjusted himself against it, spreading his legs and slowly removing his fingers. Jesus he was so turned on.

Even ripped open the condom and rolled it on, then tried to squeeze out the last of the lube from the packet. He leaned against Isak’s ass while his hands were busy, and with a little wiggle from Isak, his dick settled in between his cheeks. The wait was killing Isak, partly because he thought that with every passing second the chances increased of them getting caught. They didn’t, of course, but he kept his eyes glued to the door and muscles tensed, ready to duck out of sight at the slightest movement. He was on edge.

Which made Even’s entrance difficult yet thrilling. “Relax,” Even muttered, trying to spread with one hand and insert with the other. Once he managed to pop in though, they both let out low groans. Even slid in to the hilt.

“Fuck.” Isak dropped from his hands to his elbows, falling under Even’s weight. “Okay. Fuck. Go.” Even adjusted his grip on Isak, one hand on his waist and the other at his neck, taking a moment to account for everything he was feeling. Because soon the only thing he was going to feel was Isak’s asshole squeezing his dick to nirvana. He pressed his palms into Isak’s skin, under his t-shirt, and curled his fingers around muscle and bone. He loved this body. He loved that he could feel it like this.

Once Even started moving, Isak did too. What had been simmering all afternoon for the both of them was ready to boil over, and it wasn’t going to take much to get there. They thrust in sync and a steady slap echoed against the cinderblocks. Isak did his best to keep his moans down, as if the other sounds they were making could be disguised as anything else; it was a futile attempt. And Even could tell it was working against him. He’d learned a lot lately, and he knew what Isak was supposed to sound like when he was letting himself go.

“No one…can hear,” Even panted, not losing the beat.

“Shut up,” Isak growled through gritted teeth.

“I want to hear you.”

Isak pushed up onto his hands, getting more leverage to hammer back against Even. He still didn’t let himself make noise though. Even’s hand wrapped around the front of his neck and pulled him vertical; with nothing to hold onto he was losing control, so he let his arms flail until they found parts of Even to grip. His dick flopped against the machine until Even took it in his own hand and began stroking.

“Come on.”

“Even.”

Even’s fingers climbed from Isak’s neck to his jaw to his lips. Isak’s mouth fell open, welcoming as much of Even’s hand as it could get. He sucked on those fingers, forcing his breath through his nose and his eyes to close. A fucking pacifier.

With the distraction Even was able to adjust them both further down. He let go of Isak’s dick and pressed down on his hip. Even angled above Isak then, now that he was slightly taller, and drew himself out to the tip. When he plunged back in he used his weight to hit—

Isak screamed. Even had learned that too.

“Fuu—Don’t!”

He didn’t. Even returned to a more equal level, reassuring Isak with a few more strokes that he wasn’t going to hit his prostate directly anymore. The shock dissipated and Even slid his now-wet fingers back to Isak’s throat. They both focused on the heightened sensation in Isak’s ass, the pleasure sparked and growing as Even slid in and out, prostate adjacent.

“Oh fuck.”

“That’s it….”

The angle was right, the speed increasing. Isak arched his back away from Even but remained attached at his neck and ass. It didn’t take much encouragement now, a few whispers about how hot Isak was, how he had almost jerked off at the ballet because he couldn’t wait to see him, but how he had to wait for Isak’s ass, his perfect ass. And that whimper. His dick swelled when he heard it, felt his throat bulge against his fingers. “Take me.”

Even released Isak, moving his hands to his shoulders as Isak fell forward against the machine. He pushed him into the metal with every thrust, and Isak finally gave up watching the door. His head dropped below the edge of the washer and the whimpers grew into steady moans. Even smiled a smile that Isak would never see, the self-satisfaction at knowing he was creating something good and pure. The pleasure that was rushing through their bodies and taking over, it was all that was left in the room. The sounds, the heat, the pressure: a storm building to the crack of release.

Isak’s eyes flew open as he came, his breath caught in his throat, escaping only with a grunt. His muscles spasmed, knees knocking the metal, asshole clenching in waves. Even’s nirvana. He began as Isak finished, a whimper reignited as a roar.

No one heard them. No one interrupted. The thrusts slowed to stillness. Even draped his chest over Isak’s back and kissed his damp neck, Isak’s skin rising to meet his lips with every heavy breath. Then he pulled Isak upright as he slipped out of him, feeling the weight of a body too overcome to bear itself. The reality of semi-public sex flooded back into the room though, a haze pierced. Even tended to the condom and Isak reached for the red tee.

He was embarrassed by the reach of his cum, pressed into the lid of the washer by his stomach and dripping down the front. He wiped away his shame, then flipped the soft fabric around to clean up the lube leaking between his legs. He wanted to disappear into a shower. He pulled up his underwear and pants, tying the drawstring with finality.

“You okay?” Even picked up the tee and tossed it over the condom in the bin, then he finished dressing himself as well. He buttoned his pants, tucked in his shirt, even retied his bowtie. Isak gave him a little smile for that.

“Fine.”

“Did I hurt you too much?”

“No. It was…the right kind of pain.” His asshole twitched at the memory and he tried to disguise the reflex by walking to the dryer. His clothes weren’t done though. When he turned back to face the room Even was right there.

“I’m sorry if this wasn’t what you wanted.”

“That’s—No.” Isak looked to the side, at the ground, working up the nerve to look Even in the eye. Eventually he did. “I’m afraid I want it too much.”

The wave of desire knocked Even back half a step, but he returned. He leaned in to kiss at Isak’s face, tongue the leftover sweat and saliva, touch them back to normal. “We’re just going to want each other forever you know,” he whispered into Isak’s skin.

Isak didn’t understand what he meant, so he pulled Even in at the waist instead and let his hands respond. They didn’t have forever, but they had this, now. Slow hands, slow heartbeats, drawing out the night even longer.

The dryer stopped.

* * *

Isak woke up when Justin stumbled into the room. He checked Even first, then his phone. Almost 5 am.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, as he kicked off his shoes and they knocked against the wall. Isak took the opportunity to make noise himself, sliding out of bed and going to the bathroom.

When he returned Justin had stripped down to his boxers and was climbing into bed. Isak followed suit, doing his best not to disturb Even. He rolled into the wall, breathing uninterrupted. Isak faced Justin, who was watching them. In the cold light of the early morning he could see a clarity in Justin’s eyes, despite his drunk body. Justin pulled his comforter up to his chin.

“What will you do when you leave?” he whispered across the space between them.

“Miss him,” Isak whispered back.


	25. Fest

With the arrival of May, the end was beginning. It radiated off of the professors who no longer cared and the students who had never started. The library was full of the ones who still did, or who were desperately trying to make up for a wasted semester, and the computer lab was even worse. Even stayed at Isak’s, even though it wasn’t the ideal situation. He would try to lock himself in with his headphones at the desk, but one look at Isak on the bed was all it took. “Are you hungry?”

Isak slowly drew his eyes away from his textbook. “Hmm?”

“Food?”

“Are _you_ hungry? Or are you just trying to get me to leave again?” It had only been fifteen minutes since Isak had returned from his last errand, fetching a book Even didn’t need from his own room, and getting dragged down by an awkward conversation with Chris.

“It’s hard for me to focus when you’re here.”

Isak was flustered by what he thought was a compliment, so instead of responding he just held up his textbook to hide his blush. “Yeah, well…you’re distracting too,” he muttered into the highlighted pages.

“I don’t know how you managed to do it, but you are both the best and worst thing that’s happened to my education. Congratulations.”

“Takk,” Isak replied curtly, refusing to drop his book. He could say the same for Even. He read the same sentence over and over again without taking any of it in. They continued doing nothing except stealing glances at each other every minute or so.

“Fuck it, I’ll fail.” Even slipped off his headphones and let them crash to the desk. In a surprisingly graceful movement he climbed over the end of the bed and extended his length along Isak’s legs, using his upper thigh as a headrest. Isak peeked over the top of his book. “It must have been nice, with Alex.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you ever wanted him to not bother you, you could just turn off your phone.” Even had lifted his hand into the air and flicked his wrist, waving an imaginary person away. “Whereas I will just…barnacle myself to you.”

“Does that make me the rock?” Isak was making a little joke; he had watched more of those videos that Even showed him a while ago, with Isabella Rossellini, and one was about barnacles. He almost continued the joke, when he remembered that barnacles have very long penises, but then he heard Even breathe an answer against his jeans.

“My rock.”

Isak melted. He closed his textbook and let it hang from his hand over the edge of the bed, until it dropped to the floor with a soft thud. He moved his hands to Even’s hair and began a gentle weave through the waves. He heard Even sigh at the touch and felt his heart do the same. He’d fail, too, if it meant this.

They stayed like that for a while, Even’s upper body draped across Isak’s thigh, both of them watching the changing sky of the day’s sunset through the window. Isak’s hands slowly shifted down Even’s neck, having combed his hair to perfection, and rubbed along his back as far as he could reach without additional effort. None of this needed effort. It was just breathing. It was just being.

Some time later, after Justin had returned and collapsed into a nap, Even’s voice floated up again. “Would you…be mad…”

No. Never.

“Would you be mad if I didn’t go to Fest with you?”

“Do you plan on going with someone else?” It was a weird question that immediately prompted a bunch of unsavory scenarios in Isak’s mind, both the idea of Even not attending and why that would, of all the possible emotions, make Isak _mad_. Isak resumed rubbing Even’s back to remain calm. Or to distract Even from the fact that he wasn’t remaining calm.

“No, I don’t think I want to go to Fest at all. Is that okay?” Even tried to twist his neck to look up at Isak but only got far enough to ask the ceiling.

“Why not?” Isak was surprised. They had been planning this, working toward this day of fun and release. They had their pregame set up, outfits strategized, and game plan for moving throughout the festival. The music, the food, the parties they’d crash after it was all over. He thought Even was excited for it. Even twisted the rest of his body away until he was flat on the bed, on his stomach. He rested his head on his forearms and spoke to Isak’s waist.

“I’ve been to four of these. I don’t know if I need another one. It’s a lot.”

“But that’s the point.” There were alumni who came to Fest years later, long after they’d grown out of university life, just because it was such a wild experience. High school students tried to sneak in. Isak looked down at Even, waiting for more of an explanation. _It’s a lot_ was a statement, not an excuse. When an explanation didn’t come and neither did eye contact, Isak scooted down onto his back and lined himself up with Even. “I don’t mean to force you, I just thought you wanted to go.”

“I do, but…I’m worried. Last year was rough, and it ended up ruining my summer.”

“What happened?”

“Me.” Even flicked his eyes up to meet Isak’s. He was saying something that he wasn’t sure Isak was hearing. Isak wasn’t sure he was hearing it either. To stall, he twisted his body to match Even’s, lying on his belly, head propped on tucked forearms, his ankles crossed with Even’s.

“Did you do something bad?”

“I drank too much. Probably did some molly, but I can’t remember. The actual day, I think, was really fun. But it launched the worst episode I’ve ever had.”

Isak held a moment of silence, mourning for Even’s past, the cost of his joy. “So you think it would happen again?”

“Not necessarily. You’ve seen me, I’ve been cutting back. But…” Even let out a deep sigh, louder than their whispers. He turned his head to the wall, but brought it back almost immediately. Facing Isak was hard, but not facing him was worse. “I can’t trust myself. I can’t say with confidence what will happen, no matter how hard I try. It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting.”

Isak heard it then, how it had broken Even, and not for the first time. He hid his pity, his own pain, though. He knew that is not what Even wanted. “You can trust me,” he said, with as much softness as he could. Isak slid his hand out and slipped his fingers under the hem of Even’s shirt sleeve. He petted the smooth, light skin.

“I do.”

But Isak heard this too: “But it’s not enough.”

Even looked at him with those tired eyes. “Sometimes it scares me, what you can see, Isak.”

“I can only see what you let me.”

“Sometimes it scares me, what I let you see.” He heard Even swallow hard. Isak shifted over and lightly kissed Even’s elbow, below his fingers. Then he pulled himself over Even, resting his head on his shoulder blade and wrapping his arm around his waist. He hitched his leg up a bit, but kept their feet tangled. This is all he could do to tell Even he was there. That every move Even made would move him. That he would cling to every stillness as well.

* * *

The next day continued as planned, except Even didn’t change into his Fest outfit when everyone else did. He sat on Isak’s bed and watched Isak hop up and down behind his bureau. “I thought…they still fit.” Isak was huffing with the effort.

“My mind is going wild trying to think of things that you used to wear that are too small now.”

“Mine is not,” Justin drawled from his desk.

“Don’t be jealous, Justin.”

Justin twisted around and shot Even a look, a warning. “Let’s not bring jealousy into this, hmm?”

Even raised his hands in surrender. Isak watched the whole exchange, getting the feeling that they were having that private conversation again. “Is this…about Alex?”

“This is about what you’re wearing. Come out.” Isak snapped the last button at his waist and tied the sleeves into a knot. He walked out to the middle of the room. Even’s face exploded in a mixture of disbelief and glee when he caught sight of the red overalls. “No!”

“Only the best for Fest.” Isak held out his arms and sauntered around the room, modeling the pants for Even and Justin.

“Wait wait wait let me…” Even grabbed his phone and started tapping. “Phillip, get in here!”

Just as Phillip arrived in the doorway, Even pressed play. A russ song blasted from the bed. Isak laughed when he recognized it, then started jumping and pumping his fist in the air. Phillip joined in, confused but delighted. Even watched Isak, unable to control his smile.

When the song ended, Phillip kicked at Isak’s leg. “Okay what the fuck are those.”

“Uh…” Isak looked at Even, "russedress?”

Even just shrugged in general agreement. “Russ pants. Technically they’re coveralls.”

“You look like a janitor. Who likes…crafting.” Isak’s pants had his name in patches down one leg, and a few other icons scattered about: a flag, cherries, and a small rainbow.

“Are you really going to wear them?”

“Of course. I don’t give a shit about them, so they’re perfect for whatever is going to happen.”

“You’re definitely going to split your seat.”

“What?” Even twirled his finger to get Isak to spin around. "They’re too tight in the ass. They’ll probably rip if you try to sit down.”

Phillip flopped onto Justin’s bed. “Even’s right. Too much junk in the trunk.”

“Can I…just…” Even gestured for Isak to come closer, and when he was within arm’s reach he grabbed at Isak’s ass, properly admiring exactly how those pants fit. Isak let out a soft squeal when he realized Even’s intentions, and wiggled out of his grasp. But then he joined him on the bed. The pants did not split, though they strained a bit.

“You really bailing on us dude?” Phillip asked. They were about an hour away from departure, breakfast beers the next thing on their task list. Phillip was dressed in his neon green tank and jeans, an impressive farmer’s tan completing the look.

Even nodded. “I’ve had my fun. Now it’s your turn.”

“I’ll keep an eye on Isak’s ass for you.”

“Thanks, man. I really appreciate you looking out.” Even lifted his arm and Isak moved into the empty space at his side.

“Is this a real conversation I’m hearing right now?”

“Welcome to my brain this entire semester,” Justin muttered.

“The curse of the cute butt. Everyone wants to talk about it.” Isak tried to glare at Even but couldn’t do so effectively in such close proximity. He glared at Phillip instead.

“I mean, we didn’t really talk about it until Even got here. He started it.” Phillip looked like he was seriously contemplating the timeline of ass-discussion. “Before then it was usually girls.”

“Not even Alex?” Isak felt Even’s body twitch with curiosity.

Phillip shrugged. “Nah.”

“And we’re not going to start. It’s beer o’clock, boys.” Justin cut the conversation short by walking between the beds and out into the kitchen. Phillip followed.

After a moment to confirm their privacy, Isak looked up at Even. “So…you like my pants?”

“I fucking _love_ your pants. Can I have them when you’re done?”

“They’ll be a mess, but sure.”

“You make it sound like you’re going to shit yourself.”

“That will probably be Mike. Or Phillip. I’m more of a vomit kind of guy.”

“Is that what I have to look forward to tonight? Shall I prepare a bucket?”

“No.” Isak pushed against Even to launch himself out of the bed. “With any luck you won’t see me until tomorrow morning, and after I’ve brushed my teeth.” He extended his hand to pull Even up too. Their plans had changed, slightly, once Even decided not to go to Fest. Isak was going to stay with the guys as long as they were out; the more of them actually keeping an eye on each other the better. This meant they weren’t going to hang around the stage until Picture This did their set and then escape to the Trucks for a late dinner and water break. Isak would stay out and Even would call him in the morning, though Even couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t be waiting in the hallway for him to come home. Once standing, Even gave Isak another preemptive ass grab, pulling him in for a kiss by the handful. Then they followed the sound of beer cans and smell of Pop-Tarts into the kitchen.

* * *

#1218 was heading out with a wave of other students, backpacks full of water bottles full of not water. Jackson hopped into the current as Even broke away, but Isak held onto his hand and followed him into 1221.

“You need to goooo.” Even spun him around to face the closing door.

Isak didn’t say anything, he just pouted. The beer was already getting to him, letting his emotions bubble over.

“Isak.”

“I don’t have to go.”

“Yes you do. Your friends are waiting.” More pouting. He didn’t have a good argument. Or at least one that he could use. But Even heard it anyway.

“Isak. It’s possible for us to be apart for an extended period of time. The world isn’t going to end.”

“What if it does?”

“Then you’ll be drunk and won’t feel a thing.” Even tried to tie things off with a joke and a quick kiss. He pressed his palms to Isak’s chest for a gentle shove.

“But I should be with you.”

“You will be. Later. Ikke nå.”

The Norwegian was enough to distract Isak’s brain, and another kiss seemed to convince him. Later. A promise. Isak left, following more students down to the street. Jackson and Justin were waiting for him at the crosswalk. Even watched from his window as they gathered and migrated toward the stadium, collecting other students like an avalanche. When he lost sight of him he turned back to his room. He had wanted to spend the day with Isak, for the good music and bad food and taking it all in with him by his side. But he couldn’t risk the rest of their time together. He couldn’t have one good day and then lose the rest. It had to be good for as long as possible, before the bad came. Later.

* * *

Phillip vomited first, right down the front of his tank. He recovered quickly though, pulling off the shirt and wiping himself down. He tossed it in the trash and thumped his bare chest with his fist, and everyone continued to the music pavilion without missing a beat. Isak took a picture of Phillip’s back and sent it to Even. _First casualty._

_Take off your shirt so he doesn’t feel left out._

_Later._

Isak had written a few other texts first, _come here and do it for me, only if you join, what’s the point if you’re not here,_ but deleted them all, not wanting to make Even feel guilty. He was doing what he needed to do. He had made a decision and Isak was not going to steal that from him. He did wonder though, when he was supposed to fight back. Would he know if a decision was a bad one if it was staring him down through Even’s eyes? Would he know? And if he did, could he fight it?

“Isak!” Justin yelled from where the guys had advanced in the flow of students. Isak shouldered his way through the people that separated them. He couldn’t believe he was so buzzed, surrounded by his entire school, and his brain was still back in Even’s room. He clearly wasn’t handling the separation well.

“If this happens yet again we’re leaving you.” Justin chided when Isak caught up, shooting him a look over his beer can.

“Promise promise. Let’s go.” Isak grabbed Justin’s shoulders and gave a little hop. He focused, returned to his friends. They were full from a brunch of fried food and energized by the Red Bulls that were pacing their beers. It was time to get as close to the stage as possible and start an earthquake.

The first band was actually a group of students getting their big break: technically this was a stadium concert. They weren’t great, nerves were getting the best of them, but they had the support of the crowd, school pride cheering them on through three songs. Everyone sat down while the next band set up, and Mike and Jackson shotgunned their last cans. Isak recorded it, then swooped around to take in the stage and crowd. Sent. Just as he was tucking his phone back into a zippered pocket, Sammy dropped into the empty seat next to Isak.

“You really weren’t going for subtle with these bad boys.” She slapped the cherry patch on his thigh. “I could spot you all the way across the stadium.”

“Where are you sitting?” Sammy pointed off to the right and Isak nodded as if he saw anything distinctive in the sea of blue and grey.

“I saw you have a free seat so I’m stealing it. Where’s Even?”

“He wasn’t feeling up to the whole thing, so he stayed home.”

“That’s weird, I thought this was his kind of thing. I know he likes the next band.”

Isak didn’t know how to explain it without sounding like he was casting judgment on Sammy or Even. He also didn’t know if Sammy even wanted to hear it, or if Even wanted Sammy to hear it. He’s never heard Even explain himself to others, just brush their comments off with a joke and a smile. He let it slide. “I’ll record some of it for him later. Are you ready for exams?”

“Isak, please.” Sammy fell back in her seat and drew her sunglasses down from their perch in her hair. “This is not the place to discuss exams. Have some decency.”

Isak chuckled. “Sincerest apologies.”

“But yes. I’m so fucking ready. In less than two weeks we’re going to be right down there on that field, sweating through plastic gowns. You, with your glowing GPA and a billion cords around your neck, me with my…hangover. We made it. The American Dream.” She let her head fall back, a small smile curling up the corners of her mouth. For all of the sarcasm that she spoke with, she was still proud. It had been a great four years. The hangover would be worth it.

Isak watched her as she soaked up the afternoon sun, her hair slowly slipping past her shoulders. He envied her chill, her outlook, that the whole _point_ was graduation, not what would come after. That’s what they had now, so it was time to celebrate it. Four years of hard work and their reward, not the next four years and their unknown. Even though Sammy seemed comfortable with that too. Isak held up his phone. “Picture?”

Sammy straightened immediately, finding her pose. “If I could take anything home with me from Fest it would be this lighting. Fuck I look good.” She puckered her lips and Isak followed suit, faces tilted toward the sun. “Text it to me,” she demanded, once Isak captured them. He sent it to her and then to Even, with a _bisous_.

Picture This walked out onto the stage then, a roar boiling up from the crowd as the students caught on. Seats filled back up and the stadium buzzed. Isak took another picture and sent that too. Then with a sudden strum they launched into [Never Change](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIQ2XR9A5YI). Sammy hopped up, arms high above her head. A wave followed. The rest of the guys joined her. Isak hadn’t heard this song before but it was easy to get into. They swayed and they waved, and toward the end they were screaming “Never change, baby!” to each other.

_They’re good, right? I can see you dancing._

They only waited a beat before moving on to [Addicted to You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJs3O7rb9zY). One verse in and a commotion to Isak’s left caught his eye. Phillip was shuffling down the row, shoving his roommates out of the way. Isak fell back and caught himself on the edge of his seat as Phillip passed. In an unusually smooth move, Phillip’s hand snaked around Sammy’s waist and drew her out into the aisle. In the open space he spun her around and pulled her close, singing the lyrics directly to her. Isak gave him points for being desperate yet successful, for making Sammy laugh, then left them to their dance. Jackson was taking a picture of them over Isak’s head. He shouted “Oh, young love,” and clutched his phone to his chest.

Isak listened to the song, focusing on the words instead of just the beat. His body moved a bit but his arms weren’t into it like before. He could hear Sammy laughing still, as every line matched up with her relationship with Phillip. It was too perfect. It was still a little nervous, but it was fun; it was what they deserved right now.

When the song ended they stayed in the aisle, Phillips arm slung loosely around Sammy’s shoulders. They watched Jimmy and Ryan on stage as they finally greeted the crowd and thanked the school for inviting them. “This next little ditty started on a phone. Let me see your phones, raise ‘em up!” People turned on their flashes and lifted their phones. Even though it was the middle of the afternoon Isak could see the lights, like the glitter of water, that sea of blue. He raised his left arm high. The stadium breathed. “Now…[take my hand](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T72qlb4SVeg)!”

The sea sang along. Isak heard Jackson shouting the words. He wished he knew them. He wanted to feel the song like that too.

Isak felt his phone buzz, so he lowered his arm to read it.

_Take my hand_

He felt a warmth in his chest. He felt the song.

And then he felt his hand.

He felt his whole presence in the seconds before he saw him. Turning to his right, Even was there. Sammy was smiling up at him. Even was smiling down at Isak. He took his hand and squeezed.

Isak watched Even sing along, diving right into that sea. He hoped this was okay. He hoped Even wasn’t in danger. He hoped Even wanted to be there.

Jackson’s voice, Sammy’s voice, Ryan’s voice, was drowned out by Even’s. It was a little raspy and off-key, but it filled Isak with all its might. The warmth grew, and with it, a smile. Of course Even wanted to be there. And it would be okay. Even turned and sang to Isak, his voice just for him.

_You're all that I needed_

_You're all that I'm feeling_

_And I'll be the one who’s kicking and screaming_

_When you have to go home_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to jessie for the music
> 
> happy birthday shola!


	26. Later

They slept for a long time, because they needed to, because they could. The whole apartment crashed after Fest, sleeping straight through Thursday and barely tasting Friday before noon. Isak woke Even up every time he had to pee just to make sure he was still there. After the third time Even squeezed his dick until he let out a yelp. “Let me sleep,” he growled into Isak’s shoulder. Isak shoved Even into the wall.

“You’re officially not allowed to touch that anymore.”

“I think that’s going to hurt you more than me.”

Another shove. Even rumbled a soft laugh, then rolled back, pressing them back to sleep.

* * *

The weekend passed in a blur of studying and writing, five guys hunched over their laptops, barely registering the cold pizza they shoved into their mouths. Isak and Even’s exam schedule ended up synchronizing well, so on Monday they both left for Scantron hell at the same time, and the deadline for their final essays loomed on Thursday. They paced each other, making sure they ate and slept enough, showered and stretched. On Wednesday they walked around campus just to get out of the apartment for some fresh air. They picked up bubble teas, trying new flavors. Their fingers looped loosely through each other’s while their minds tumbled around the conversation they were avoiding.

“Oh, guess what?”

Isak was trying to drag a tapioca ball up his straw, sucking so hard his cheeks were caving in. He gave up to answer. “What?”

“I think I have a job! For the summer at least.” Isak’s fingers tightened in response, which Even took as encouragement. “I’m going to be a secretary. A receptionist.”

“That’s cool!” Even sounded proud so Isak tried to match his enthusiasm.

“I mean, it’s not really, but it’s a job. That’s what’s cool. Your boy is going to make money.”

“What kind of place are you working at?”

“A financial firm. My mom knows someone who knows the current receptionist, whose husband is a teacher, and they arranged to do a bunch of travel while he has vacation, so this lets her go along.”

“Ah, so you’ll need something else when she comes back.”

“Sure, but I have the whole summer to find it between phone calls.” Even swung their arms in excitement. “It’s such a relief to like, buy myself the time.”

Isak nodded, then went back to his straw. He was happy for Even, to not have the stress of a job search looming so close. Even hadn’t expressed much concern about it, more focused on just graduating, but as time rolled forward it was bound to happen. And now he was lucky enough to delay that.

As they returned to their silence, walking on toward the stadium, Isak felt his disappointment set in. Because they hadn’t talked about it, Isak was still holding a sliver of hope for a summer with Even. Even though he had gone over the various scenarios in his head and logically shut them down, his heart continued to hope. That bastard. Even now it whined, _You could be a receptionist in Norway._ Isak shook his head. Even noticed and squeezed his hand.

“Something wrong?”

“Um…not yet. When do you start?”

Even stopped walking, dragging Isak back to his side. “When do you leave?”

The parking lot at the stadium was empty, still recovering from Fest, so when Isak avoided Even’s eyes he was looking out at nothing. He thought about the ticket he bought last semester, the one he hunted for for so long, a good price on the return home. It ended up being on May 17, the day before he’d be kicked out of the apartment, out of the country, what he’d thought was perfect timing. He’d been so excited to book it.

“The seventeenth,” he said to the ground.

“After that, then.” Even tugged him closer, until he could bow his head and rest his forehead against Isak’s. “Please don’t make this a countdown.”

“It’s…it’s all I think about now.” He could share his secret surrounded by nothing. He could share his worst fear now that he knew Even had already heard it, somehow.

“Isak, please.”

“Even, how could I not? Aren’t you?” Isak glanced up to Even’s eyes, but dropped to those freckles. The ones he met during their first kiss, the ones he pressed his lips to when Even was sleeping.

“Why would I think about the last time I’m going to hold you when I could just…hold you?” Even tilted his head and moved even closer. He didn’t let go of Isak’s hand, but slid his other around Isak’s waist and leaned in, cheek to cheek. “We get to do this for another week.” Even moved them, slightly, to a silent beat. Isak let out a shaky breath, unable to let his fear go but desperate to cling to something else. He wrapped his free arm around Even’s shoulder and touched the hair at the nape of his neck. He called up that feeling, when he played with Even’s hair, that time left them. They were truly alone in the parking lot, surrounded by nothing, just a beat stepping in place. They stayed in the nothing until it felt okay to leave, to let time march them on.

* * *

Even finished first. He went to the computer lab and printed out a twenty-page beast on Keats, then walked to Alexander Hall for the final act of his undergraduate career. It felt a little anticlimactic, just shoving it into the TA’s mailbox, so he stood in front of the cubby for a minute to give it a silent send-off. He was about to salute his paper when another student walked in to deposit their own essay. Even redirected his hand to his mouth to cover a fake cough, then shared a smirk with the student. They’d reached the end.

On his way out of the hall he checked his phone. It was almost time to meet Isak. He had to hand in his paper too, and visit his tutor at the writing center one last time. He had brought her a small bottle of champagne, which Even thought was cute. They agreed to meet for lunch at the Trucks, to toast their finals being over and done. Even ambled along the green to waste time and enjoy the cool spring day.

Not five minutes later he spotted Isak’s curls, head bent over his phone, walking in his direction. Even shifted into what he predicted was Isak’s path, waiting for him to finally look up or simply bump into him. He never looked up, but he noticed Even in his peripheral vision and started to walk around him. Even’s arms went out to catch him.

“What the hell? Oh.” The annoyance wrinkling Isak’s face melted into a soft smile. “Hi.”

“Hello.” Even returned the smile.

“You’re done?”

“Yes. Lunch?”

“Yes.” They fell into step and finished the short distance to the Trucks. They had done this so often now that their paths diverged unspoken, Isak to get his sandwich, Even to get his falafel, coming together at a table, eventually.

“Now that you’re done you know what you have to do.” Isak spoke over the crinkling of their tinfoil.

“Really?”

“You promised.”

“Actually I don’t think I did.”

“Even, please. I’ve been looking forward to it.” Isak pouted with a mouth full of chicken, which made him look like a sad chipmunk.

“Fine.” Even pulled his phone out of his pocket and searched his outbox. He forwarded the email with his final paper to Isak. Isak actually giggled when he heard his phone ping. He flicked open the email and started reading, pinching at his screen as he scrolled along.

“I should just print out another one. That looks too difficult to read here.”

“Shut up.”

Even watched as Isak read, handling his sandwich in one hand and taking slow bites, scrolling with the other. It looked like he was reading at a slow pace too, moving up and down to reread sentences. Even worried that he wasn’t making sense, that someone as smart as Isak was having trouble following his brain. But it also didn’t matter; the paper was turned in and it was out of his hands. He sat back and worked on his falafel.

When he was done he balled up the foil and tossed it over Isak’s head for the garbage can. Isak was almost done with his, but the paper was still distracting him. His mouth was hanging open and the last few bites of sandwich growing cold in his fingers.

“It…feels like I’m being ignored on a date.”

“You are.”

Even laughed.

“Except I’m actually paying very close attention to you. You just can’t feel it.”

“I hate when you’re right.”

Isak smirked but didn’t look up.

“Hey, are you done eating? We’re holding up the table.” Even looked around at the crowd gathering. He didn’t feel comfortable just sitting there, especially if they weren’t talking or eating.

“Um, yeah.” Isak shoved one more bit into his mouth, then let Even clean up his trash. He stood, not looking up from his phone, waiting for the next prompt. Even took his hand and led him back to the tower.

* * *

Isak declined Phillip’s offer to visit the engineers, despite how well he was selling it. “You know they’re going hard tonight because half of them are done.”

“Thanks but I want to finish this.” He waved his phone, which still had Even’s essay shining from the screen.

“Even?”

“I think I’m part of the ‘this.’”

“Jesus. You’re both full-blown nerds now.” Phillip grunted with disgust but left them be, shutting the bedroom door behind him. Even adjusted his pillow and they returned to the quiet: Isak reading, Even watching.

It was taking Isak a long time, but neither of them minded. Sometimes Isak would ask a question, about a literary term or a reference that he wasn’t familiar with, but not too often. He read sentences twice, whispering them out, following Even’s interpretation and delighting whenever it looped back to what he read earlier. It unfolded like a maze, and once he hit the end he didn’t know which way he was supposed to go next. He let his phone drop to the bed and looked over at Even, resting against the footboard, expressionless.

A few minutes passed of them just seeing each other, of Isak understanding that the Even he had been reading was the one in front of him, of Even accepting how much Isak saw. Then Even spoke the poem that he had memorized, the one he had run a knife through and sewn back together, line by line.

_When I have fears that I may cease to be_   
_Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,_   
_Before high-piled books, in charact'ry,_   
_Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;_

Isak pushed himself forward, crawling over Even’s legs.

_When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,_   
_Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,_   
_And think that I may never live to trace_   
_Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;_

He straddled his lap, gripping Even’s t-shirt at his sides, forcing Even’s face to the sky with how close he was.

_And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,_   
_That I shall never look upon thee more,_

The way he said it, the meter off, Isak mouthed a question of confirmation. “Me?” But Even just continued.

_Never have relish in the faery power_   
_Of unreflecting love!—then on the shore_   
_Of the wide world I stand alone, and think_   
_Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.-_

The last word spilled out with its weight, dragging Even’s head down with it. He leaned into Isak’s collarbone, fabric clouding his vision but soft against his lips. Isak rested his cheek on Even’s hair. They collapsed against each other.

They were still, but Isak was bouncing between emotions: amazement at what he understood, fear at its truth, pride at how this was going to blow his professor away, and worry at Even’s perspective. Could he love a mind that thought like this? Wrong question; he did. Should he? Wrong question again. He did.

He kissed Even’s hair, smelling his shampoo. He breathed him in and let him line his lungs. A faint bass beat reached them from a party apartments away, but it did not overpower the sound of their hearts, their steady, eternal selves.

* * *

“I can’t believe we didn’t plan this sooner.”

“Well, my party planner is back in Norway so….”

It was Friday, and they were scrambling. Even and Mike had done a second beer run and were hauling the cases into the kitchen, where Isak was opening and stacking cans in the fridge.

“Oh yeah, how’s he doing?”

“Well! I think. Really putting himself out there.” Isak rolled his eyes at Even’s commentary. They both had received multiple snaps of different guys over the past few weeks, which Even responded to encouragingly. Isak didn’t pass judgment (out loud) but was relieved that none of them seemed to look like him.

“He was a fun little dude. Really loved Norway.” Mike straightened and gestured to the flag that was still hanging on their wall.

“Well it _is_ the better country.”

“You say that like you expect any of us to argue with you.” Mike jumped to reattach the drooping corner on the American flag.

“Thank you all for acknowledging my superiority.” Isak stood up, stretching his arms and rotating his shoulders. He gathered all of the cardboard and flattened it into a pile. Then he extracted a still-warm beer from the fridge and joined Mike at the couch. “Anything else?”

“Nah. Justin and Phillip should be back soon. Jackson coming?”

“Oh right.” Isak whipped out his phone and texted him, then sent a few others of people he remembered. This was probably going to be their only send-off, since they were walking on Sunday and students cleared out right after, if not before. He got a few responses, and some reciprocal invitations to other things happening on and off campus. It would’ve been more efficient to combine parties but at least this way he wouldn’t have to walk very far to get to bed, and Even would be more comfortable in general. He had insisted it didn’t matter but Isak insisted back that any kind of coordination at this point was futile.

“You know I don’t like when people bend over backward for me.”

“We’re not bending over backward, we’re sitting our asses on that couch and making people come to us.”

Even gave him a sideways glance but conceded. So, they divided up the errands and started hitting people up. Even if no one actually showed it would still be a chill evening with the boys, so everyone was pretty relaxed about it. And now that the beer was there it was only going to get more relaxed. Isak adjusted his snapback, running a hand through his hair and tugging the brim back down to his neck. Even returned from wherever he had gone and took the third seat on the couch.

“Game?”

“Start a tourney?” Mike offered.

“Let’s do it.” Even picked up the other controller and assumed the position, shifting to the edge of the couch and leaning his elbows on his knees. Isak went back to his phone to reply to messages but eventually picked up his beer and watched the game. In a silent show of support he walked his free hand up under the hem of Even’s tee, resting it on his lower back. Even leaned over for a kiss whenever he scored.

Phillip and Justin arrived with food and pot, and Justin propped open the door once it hit 9 pm. People were going to come and go and they really weren’t going to move their asses off the couch.

Isak got drunk though. Every person who swapped out their seat was tasked with fetching a fresh can for Isak, and he drank like tomorrow didn’t have to exist. And it didn’t. He just had to wake up on Sunday in time to run to the stadium. Easy. Even stacked his empties on the coffee table, starting a pyramid that quickly got in the way of the TV. Whoever was playing the game stood off to the side instead, and more people could sit as long as they didn’t jostle the table. Isak started getting possessive of the pyramid, though, shrieking at anyone who got too close.

“Even! Control your ho!” Justin shouted across the room. Isak had stood up to yell at someone was making exaggerated dance moves in front of him, taunting, but Isak wasn’t playing along.

“Alright, alright. Hey. Isak. Let’s go to the kitchen.” Even stood and dragged Isak away by the hand. Three girls quickly took their vacated seats, and they walked to the less crowded area. Isak tried to hop up onto the counter but actually needed assistance, Even’s hand on his hip to balance him.

“Beer, please,” he requested with a burp. Even fetched one from the fridge.

“Might I suggest you take a break after this one?”

“Why?”

Even leaned in close, setting the can next to Isak but blocking his path to it with his body. “I’m just not interested in sucking a limp dick later.”

Isak took a second to process what Even said through his haze, but then his face pinched in anger. “Fuck off!” He shoved Even away, sending him into the girl walking behind him.

“Excuse you!” she barked at Even.

“This is my fucking apartment, get the fuck out.” Isak slurred at her while he cracked open the can. She just rolled her eyes and walked into the living room. Even caught Justin’s eye over the counter while Isak chugged. He nodded toward the bedroom and Justin gave him a thumbs up. Even tried again.

“Alright babe, you up for proving me wrong?” He returned to Isak, nudging his knees apart so he could tease him without shouting it to the entire party. Isak stopped drinking but kept the can near his mouth

“I don’t know why you think I…won’t get hard. Later.” Isak had quickly shifted moods, from angry to offended to disappointed to sad, all bundled up in a stage whisper. “I am always hard for you.” He was pouting now, and clasped Even’s cheeks in his hands…without putting down the can.

“It’s just, when people drink too much then sometimes their boners don’t work.” Even felt like he was trying to explain sex to a dog. He couldn’t understand him, but he was hearing words and tilting his head in a very cute way. His hands dropped to his lap, spilling the can. He tugged at the crotch of his jeans.

“I think that’s impossible. Have you _seen_ yourself?”

Isak hopped off the counter as if Even wasn’t standing right in front of him, nearly knocking them both off balance. He recovered though, taking Even’s hands and leading him through a mess of students to the vanity outside the bathroom. “Look.”

Isak stood behind Even, staring at him over his shoulder. Even smirked, a little uncomfortable with having to admire himself but enjoying Isak’s little game. And his hands. One was still wet from the beer, making dark fingerprints as it ran down from his ribcage to his hips. “I could drink this entire apartment and I wouldn’t be able to stop my body from wanting yours.” His hands moved, emboldened, ignoring the people who swirled around them to get to the bathroom, to the sink. They gripped at the tee across Even’s chest, pulling Even into him. He mouthed at the fabric running across his shoulders. He proved Even wrong, pressing his boner into Even’s ass.

“Okay.” Even coughed. “Point made. You’re not _that_ drunk.”

“Great! Time to suck my dick then.” Isak switched into business mode, releasing him. He spun to face his door, knocking and then entering without waiting for an answer. He turned on the ceiling light, exposing a couple making out on his bed. He clapped to get their attention. “Out. Out out out out out out out.”

Even stepped to the side as the couple passed, eyes down in shame, adjusting their clothes. When the room was clear Isak returned to the door and took off his cap. He tugged Even into the room and hooked his cap on the handle of the door, shutting it so it wouldn’t fall off.

“If they had put something on the handle, would it have stopped you?”

Isak scoffed. “No. It’s my room. My dick.”

“Ah yes, your dick.”

“The one you said you were going to suck.”

“Later.”

“Nå.” The word opened Isak’s mouth as it moved toward Even’s, latching on to his bottom lip. Even wanted to laugh but Isak wouldn’t let him. Isak controlled his mouth with his lips, his head with his hands, his hips with his own. Kiss, breathe, fall. The bed was still warm.

They separated for a moment, for Even to get the rest of his body comfortably on the bed and for Isak to struggle with his belt. Even took over when Isak began to growl in frustration. “Fuck belts.”

Even unthreaded it and tossed it to the floor. Isak’s hands returned, undoing his button and zipper, then shoving his waistband down enough for his cock to pop out.

“Uh, fuck underwear too, apparently.”

“Didn’t want…laundry.” Isak’s thighs were a bit constricted but he managed to straddle Even on his knees, nearly slapping him in the face with his pink dick. He pressed down on Even’s shoulders so he would slide down the wall and line up his mouth. Even took him in his hands, watching that first shudder course down his thighs.

“Ohhhh Jesus.”

“Promise me something,” Even whispered, before snaking out his tongue and flicking at Isak’s head.

Isak gasped. “Anything.”

“You’ll come on my face.”

Isak choked, he bucked. Even swallowed him down, not helping with the convulsions, and earning him two hands tearing at his hair. He pushed his spit up and down Isak’s cock, letting his tongue slide and lips seal. Isak grew in his mouth. Isak moved his hands from Even’s hair to the wall in front of him. He resisted humping at Even’s face, a restraint more for himself than for Even. He wanted it to be quiet, not quick. He was drunk but he still knew the rules.

Over the past couple of weeks Even had been a quick study. He had learned how to breathe and tease, swallow and squeeze. He could listen to Isak and time it perfectly until he was on the verge of tears. Isak could only let his mouth hang open and hope he kept breathing, hope he stayed alive long enough to fulfill his promise.

Even’s fingers were wet enough from his own spit; one hand stayed at the base of Isak’s cock and the other squeezed past denim to grab an ass cheek. His mouth kept playing with the tip of the dick, tonguing his slit and pressing under the head. He dipped two fingers into Isak’s crack and inched down to his puckered hole. It pulsed with Isak’s heartbeat, erratic and at Even’s mercy.

Isak felt the build, felt his balls start to climb. He couldn’t resist now, and started to hump against Even’s hand. Even used the momentum to slip one finger into Isak’s hole, giving him the touch he loved from both ends. “Oh god, yes. Ungh.” Even’s strokes lengthened. He popped off.

“You gonna come?” he muttered, his mouth thick with saliva.

“Yes. Yes. All over your fucking face.”

Even spit onto the tip, working moisture into Isak’s soft, engorged skin with his fingers. He kept up his strokes and searched for Isak’s spot. When he brushed it with a knuckle and felt Isak’s response he smiled. He squeezed and looked up, ready.

After the third brush Isak felt the first rush. He scrambled. He palmed Even’s head, tilting it back further, and covered Even’s fist with his own, speeding up the strokes. “I’m—“ Even closed his eyes against the first spurt, which arced over his nose and landed across his eyebrow. A second and third decorated his face, accompanied by soft grunts. He licked to catch it as it dripped, and then let Isak finish pumping into his mouth. He fingered a few more spurts out of him and sucked it all down, those fucking lips puffy and pursed.

Isak let him keep going until he was done, empty. Then he felt himself drop, relief flooding his thighs and asshole as Even’s finger slipped out. He kissed up Even’s face and cleaned up his cum with his lips. He had to catch his breath a bit, but then he could kiss his gratitude into Even’s mouth, give thanks and worship.

Hunger sated, they could kiss with their eyes closed. They didn’t need to eat anymore, just taste, and linger. Isak’s hands tried to reciprocate, feeling for Even’s erection, but Even declined. He grabbed at Isak’s wrists, then wove their fingers together. “Just this. Please.” Just lips.

The party continued, outpacing them, leaving them behind.


	27. Mama

It was too warm on Sunday. Sammy’s prediction, that they’d be sweating in their plastic gowns out on the field, was going to come true. Isak had plans to wear his suit under his gown but was having second thoughts as the morning heated up. He stared at his gown from his bed, hanging on the door and still clinging to its folded creases. He tried to figure out his outfit options without getting up to check his closet. He heard a knock at the door, and Justin answering it.

“Congratulations boys!” Even entered, slapping hands and hugging the rest of #1218. Isak remained in bed, listening to their distant chatter. Eventually Even walked to the bedroom, but he stopped in the doorway when he saw Isak. “You’re not dressed!” He glanced at a nonexistent watch on his wrist. Even himself was in jean shorts, rolled above the knee, and a chambray button-down. All of the blue brought out the color of his eyes. He walked into the room and hung up the robe he had slung over his shoulder, blocking Isak’s with its ironed pleats.

“I don’t know what to wear.”

“You can wear anything. The robe goes over it.” Even walked to Isak’s closet and started pulling out his remaining clean clothes. He held them up and waited for Isak to eliminate options with a shake of his head. Eventually they got down to a pair of khakis and white collared shirt, which was about as close to his suit as he could’ve been. “Classic.” Isak shrugged, but climbed out of bed anyway. Even tossed the clothes onto the comforter and bent down to pull Isak’s ironing board out. “Wait where’d it go?”

“Oh. Phillip was using it for his robe. Hold on.” Isak went into the other bedroom to take his ironing board and iron back. Even took it from him when he returned and set to work. Isak wandered out to the living room.

“I’d recommend a hit but you’re about as mellow as possible right now dude.” Justin was at the window smoking.

“Yeah….”

“It’s graduation day. Isn’t that exciting…or whatever?”

“It is. I just, I’m not ready for it to be over.”

“You were plenty ready about four months ago.”

“Guess I changed my mind. Hey, uh, when do you leave?”

“Tomorrow, son. Gotta pack all my shit tonight.” Justin blew rings of smoke through the squares of the screen. “Papa’s picking me up around lunch time.”

Isak met Justin’s dad when they moved in back in September. He was a big burly guy, throwing Justin’s bags around like they were filled with air. He was funny, too, and Isak could see where Justin got his chill from.

“You’re here till Wednesday, right?” Isak nodded. “And Even?”

“Yup. Three days.” He drew out the words in an attempt to draw out the time.

“Gonna be honest. I’m glad I won’t be here to see that.” Isak shot him a confused look. “It feels like you’ve already started crying about it.” Isak flipped him off. “Looks like I’m right,” Justin muttered as he ashed his joint.

“Jokes aside, I know it’s going to be rough. I’m sorry. But today is good. Today you’re graduating. Shit, Phillip’s graduating. We need to fucking celebrate.”

“Yeah we do!” Phillip sauntered in in his full graduation glory: swim trunks, open gown, cap at a jaunty angle. “It’s a goddamn miracle.” He flopped himself onto the couch next to Isak.

Even stepped into the living room, Isak’s ironed shirt hooked over a finger. “Isak.”

“Oooh, daddy wants you to get dressed.” Isak shoved Phillip as he stood, but Phillip got the last laugh with a kick to his ass as he walked away.

Once they were back in the bedroom Isak started stripping. They only had about fifteen minutes left before they had to start walking to the stadium. Even handed him the shirt, but leaned in to whisper with it, “I’m not really your uh, your daddy, right?”

Isak froze before getting his arms in the sleeves. “Phillip is graduating in a swim suit. Please do not believe anything he says.” But it wasn’t enough to soothe Even’s apparent nervousness about the naming. “Oh my god you need to stop reading the gay internet.” Isak tugged on his shirt and pulled it down smooth, doing up the buttons with speed.

“Well…the gay internet is just the internet. There’s no like, welcome sign or anything.”

“Yeah there is, it’s called the Google Doodle.”

Isak moved on to his pants, perfectly pressed by Even and still warm. Even took down his gown to put it on. “Oh.”

“What?”

“I forgot about your gown. Hold on.” He handed his gown to Isak to free his hands, then clicked on the iron and tapped the metal plate.

“Thank you for doing this.”

Even flashed him a smile but didn’t break focus. “You’re welcome. Though I will admit it’s a little self-serving. You’re going to meet my mom today.”

“What?” Isak squeaked.

“My mom is coming. She’s probably already here. At the stadium. And I want you to meet her.” Even spoke to the gown he was ironing instead of the shocked boy behind him.

“What the fuck, Even. You can’t just drop that on me.” All of a sudden Isak was worried about his hair. He went out to the vanity.

“I forgot! Everyone’s mom is going to be there, so I didn’t think it was a…a thing!”

Isak muttered to himself while he wet down his hair and ran a comb through it. Phillip popped out of his room. “Can I meet Even’s mom?”

“No!” Even yelled. “No shirt, no shoes, no Mama.” They heard Even flick Isak’s gown with a snap. He carried it out to Isak and draped it over his shoulders.

“Nerds,” Phillip retaliated for the rejection.

“Cute nerds,” Even corrected, returning to the room to get his own gown. All three of them lined up in front of the mirror for their finishing touches. Phillip pulled his phone out of…somewhere, and took a picture of all of them in the reflection. Even was still fixing his hair under his cap but Isak was done, standing tall with a knowing half smile. Phillip was flexing.

“Send that to me, please.”

“Only if you don’t crop me out.”

“No promises.”

Justin and Mike walked over to round everyone up. It was time to go. “One more for the road, boys.” They posed. Phillip snapped. #1218 began their victory lap.

* * *

They lost each other. There wasn’t much order to the whole ceremony, and everyone was mingling in the hallways below the stands, hugging friends and admiring outfits. When someone boomed to get them in line, Isak didn’t have a chance to line up with Even, let alone spot him in the crowd. He fell into order with his biology crew, with their matching cords and science jokes decorating their caps. They walked into the stadium to a cheering crowd. They settled into plastic chairs that would bend and squeak under two hours of fidgeting.

Isak passed the time by posting the group photo to instagram, editing it so he and Even looked the best. It took twenty minutes just to think up a good caption, which was an excellent use of his time. Then Even started texting him the names of the students who were getting the biggest rounds of applause. Whoever Julio was was winning.

Isak was far away enough from the stage that he could see a good chunk of the families in the stands. He scanned the crowd for a tall blonde, someone who could be Even’s mom. He couldn’t spot soft lips, long fingers, or wrinkles around the eyes, but he knew he’d be able to feel her presence anyway. If he was so tuned to Even, surely he’d pick up on someone who was half of him, maybe more. His search ended when he heard Jackson’s name being called though. He hopped up out of his seat and yelled, clapping and cheering as he crossed the stage and smiled for the camera at the end.

The names he recognized picked up. He gave polite rounds of applause to classmates, small gasps of recognition for the ones he hadn’t seen since freshman year. He jumped up and hollered for Sammy, Mike, and Justin. He stayed quiet for Chris. He took pictures of Phillip as he unzipped his robe halfway across the stage and flexed for the dean. The dean made a show of putting his diploma back on the pile, which made laughter ripple through the stadium. He felt waves of gratitude hit him as his friends walked, thankful that they had been a part of each other’s lives and could mark this milestone together.

And then he saw Even’s row stand and file out to the edge of the stage. He found him almost immediately and his eyes locked on. Even’s cap was still perfectly in place, a poof of blond hair at the front, and he towered above the girls he was sandwiched by. They shuffled slowly forward.

He thought Even looked nervous. Or maybe he was projecting, because he was nervous. It was illogical, but he worried that Even would get to the stage and something would happen. They wouldn’t give him a diploma. They’d skip over him. Something. Some kind of roadblock. He watched Even look up and wave at someone in the stands. This was his chance to find a blonde woman waving back, but Isak didn’t. Something might happen if he looked away.

He stood too soon. Even was still ten students away from the stage. Isak held up his phone to record but his fingers were shaking and he couldn’t work the app. At some point he took a panorama, maybe.

Even climbed the steps, pausing at the top. He handed his piece of paper to the announcer, then glanced out at the crowd. Isak clutched his phone to his chest and almost waved. This wasn’t his moment. Isak’s whole body tightened. He waited for that name.

“Even Bech Næsheim.”

Isak’s phone fell to the ground. His arms shot up in victory. “Even! Even!” Then just shouts, screams. Noise. His whole body hollered. He watched Even cross the stage with his impossibly long gait, hands out and so so ready for the handshake and diploma. Two of the faculty members seated along the back of the stage stood to intercept him once it was official. He did it. He hugged his professors, rocking them back and forth, holding up the proceedings. Isak could see him laughing, feel it in his bones. It made him laugh too. The photographer caught the laugh with his flash, and Isak watched Even wind his way back to his seat. The adrenaline was still coursing through him, and he tried to calm himself down with deep breaths and whispers. “Even, Even, Even….”

Now is when he wished for it. For Even to look up and see him. For Even to know that he witnessed this accomplishment and was more proud of him than all of the souls in this stadium combined. Including his mom. “Even, Even, Even, Even.”

Around them students stood and sat. Even reached his chair. More names were called, more cheers rang out. Even waved to his mom again, then scanned the crowd on the field.

Isak didn’t hear it, but he saw Even say his name. He hopped up onto his toes, bouncing, and clapped his hand over his heart. Even mirrored him. They held each other there until the next row of students stood and cut off their invisible thread. Then they took their seats.

Isak bent forward to retrieve his phone. He closed the camera and deleted the two photos he managed to take, one of the palm of his hand, the other a blur of navy something. He read a text from Sammy: _I’m so proud of him :’)_

Then he wrote his own: _Congratulations, daddy_

He looked up in time to see Even laugh so hard his cap fell off the back of his head. Then he raised his diploma to the sky.

* * *

They found each other, back in the parking lot. Among the students and parents and cars they managed to catch sight of each other at the same time and then proceeded to plow down anyone in the way. When they met Isak scooped Even up at the waist and spun him around. Once he was back on solid ground Even wasted no time in planting a kiss directly on Isak’s lips, squishing their noses in the process.

“You did it!”

“We did it!”

“I’m so proud of you.” Isak was so proud, so fond.

“Me too,” Even admitted. They smiled at each other, under the hot sun, glad to be this close again. Touching. “Okay…are you ready?” Even’s face softened even further into concern. He made it sound like the five years of undergraduate education were a cakewalk compared to what was about to happen. This set off Isak’s nerves again. His smile disappeared.

“Can’t you just show her a picture and say I’m great and leave it at that?”

“Already did. She wants more.” Even cupped Isak’s cheeks and gave him a soft peck. “Come on, before she melts.” Their hands dropped and clasped, sweaty palms sticking. Even led the way toward the clump of flagpoles near the entrance of the stadium, Isak peeking out from behind him to try and spot her.

Isak had met a few boyfriends’ families before. He couldn’t remember being this nervous though. When he met Alex’s it was at a group dinner with a mix of new couples, so he wasn’t the only one in the spotlight. Now it felt like the entire school was here to watch him make a fool of himself in front of Even’s mom. And as if to prove himself right, he stepped on Even’s heel and made them both stumble.

“You okay?” Even said over his shoulder, not letting them stop.

“Y-yeah.”

“Good, because…Mama.”

Isak looked up to see Even leaning down and hugging a woman with one arm. He was hanging back as far as his reach would allow, but Even tugged him closer.

“Congratulations, sweetie.”

“Thank you. Mama, this is Isak.”

If her son was beautiful, Mama was breathtaking. She was shorter than him, but still quite tall, and so…composed. As if she hadn’t spent the entire morning surrounded by thousands of sweaty human beings. She was in a sharp pantsuit and heels, a silk blouse shimmering from underneath her blazer. Blonde hair in soft waves swept back and forth across her shoulders as she moved. She leaned toward Isak for a hug as well. Even let go of his hand to encourage it.

“Hello, Isak.”

“Hello…Mama.” Isak cringed at Even before he pulled back. He heard Mama laugh in his ear when he did, and it calmed him down immediately. They had the same laugh. It threw their heads back and wrinkled their eyes. It warmed Isak’s heart. He chuckled.

“I am Lise, but I prefer Mama. Hyggelig å møte deg.” That warmed Isak’s heart too. “I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already.” She squeezed Isak’s shoulder, beaming at him.

“Even really does talk too much, huh.”

“Maybe a little.” She winked. God, they had the same wink too. “Anyway, let’s get out of this mess. Reservation in fifteen.”

Even looked at Isak, a silent invitation. Isak nodded. Lise was already marching to the taxis that were swiftly rotating through the cul-de-sac, so the boys linked hands and followed.

She took them to a nice place a decent distance from campus. It was still busy, for that odd afternoon hour, because everyone’s mother was taking them out after the ceremony, but they could still hear each other and talk comfortably. They draped their gowns over the backs of their chairs and attacked the bread basket like they hadn’t eaten in days. Lise ordered champagne and toasted them both with a short, heartfelt speech.

While the meal was really meant to celebrate Even, Lise kept returning to Isak, asking him questions about things that Even hadn’t already shared, mostly about Norway. Even sat back and sipped slowly, enjoying how much the conversation lit up Lise & Isak from the inside. They were both leaning in over the table, volleying locations and food and history and a smattering of Norwegian at each other. Most of Even’s extended family lives in the north, but Lise always wanted to get a pied-à-terre in the city, and they were seriously considering it after Even left for university. “It made more sense to stay here though. I could practice in the city and keep an eye on my boy.”

Isak smiled at Even, and he returned it, though not quite as easily.

“Would you excuse me?” Even stood, escaping to the bathroom. Isak had a small flash of fear at being left alone with Lise, but it was unfounded; they had been carrying on well so far, barely acknowledging Even until now. It was fine. 

Lise’s voice dropped. “And you’re leaving on Wednesday?” Isak nodded. “Is there a job, or….”

“I’ll be working at a research firm, starting next Monday.”

“Diving right in then! That’s good. I’m glad. Even said you were smart, and I saw all of your cords, but you never know, if it’s school smart or life smart.” Isak blushed under the compliment, and was about to comment on Even’s particular balance of the two, but Lise continued. “Do you think you would ever come back here?”

“For more school?”

“For anything.”

“Maybe. I wouldn’t rule it out. But I think I’d like to stay in Norway, be with family and make a difference there.”

“Of course. And it would all be a little less…political.” Lise wrinkled her nose.

“You stayed, right?”

“We did. We both got jobs here, and opportunities that we couldn’t turn down. We got lucky. Then we got Even. Luckier.”

Isak knew the feeling.

“Well, I’d just like to say this now, while we have a moment.” Lise flicked her eyes in the direction of the bathroom. “I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for keeping Even safe. Thank you for letting him be himself. There are very very… _very_ few people in this world who will do that, and it has made me so happy that he found one of them. I don’t think a mother is supposed to want this, but a mother is supposed to want the best for her child. I want you to stay. I know you can’t. Please don’t think I’m trying to make you feel guilty. I just want you to know that you’ve…you’ve made a difference here. And no matter what happens, I love you for that.” Isak heard her voice tighten with emotion. He didn’t know what to say. He was worried if he did say something, he wouldn’t be able to stop. It’s what he wanted too. He didn’t feel guilty, he felt the same. He pulled his hand out of his lap and rested it, palm open, on the table. Lise was quick to grasp it and squeeze, her lips trembling into a small smile.

“I deeply regret not meeting you sooner.” Lise squeezed his hand again. “But there’s no point in lamenting that. Will you send me your address, keep me updated? I’m sure I’ll be over to visit soon.”

“Of course.”

Even returned and Lise composed herself with a light cough. She withdrew her hand. “Are we done, sweetie? Shall I get the check?”

Even tilted the bottle of champagne to check that it was empty. “I suppose.”

“Thank you for all of this, Lise.” She caught Isak’s eye before twisting in her chair to hail their waiter.

“You’re beyond welcome, Isak. I’m going to send you boys back with another bottle so you can have a proper celebration.” She had a quiet conversation with the waiter as he took her card.

“Mama.”

“Fine, Isak can have a proper celebration. I don’t know what you drink now.”

“Gatorade.”

Isak snorted but refused to look at Even. Lise didn’t seem to catch the little joke, exposed, or she didn’t want to ruin it. They returned to small talk, confirming plans for Even moving out of the tower, some of their flight options to head home to his dad. Lise signed the receipt and another waiter delivered a recorked bottle. They stood, pulling on their gowns like winter coats.

Out on the sidewalk Lise tapped at her phone. “I’m taking a cab to the train. Do you want me to drop you off first?”

“No, I think we’re okay to walk. We’re not in any rush, for you to go out of your way.”

“Alright, then. Time for goodbyes.”

Even handed the bottle of champagne to Isak to free his arms. Isak stepped back to give them some privacy. He started mapping their path back to campus, figuring it would take maybe forty minutes, walking into the setting sun. Then Even was at his side, prying the bottle back. “Your turn.”

Isak looked at Lise, who was waiting for him closer to the curb. He was struck by how different she looked, now that they had met and talked and confessed. She was still so composed, an understatement of success, but now he saw how her motherhood softened her, how loving Even shaped her. They walked into a hug. 

“Congratulations, Isak. I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished and I know you’re destined for so much more.”

“Thank you, Mama.”

She let out a throaty chuckle as she stepped back. Her arms dropped, but she picked up his hands in hers. “Have a safe flight home, and good luck with the job. And…love him for a little while longer, okay?” She squeezed and exhaled a smile, then stepped further back and let go.

“Longer than that.” He punctuated his promise with a short nod, then turned to join Even. Lise gave them both a final wave. They walked back to the tower, polyester billowing behind them in the relief of a soft spring breeze.

* * *

The champagne went quickly when split four ways. Isak poured himself a mugful, and Justin, Phillip, and Mike swigged the rest of the bottle in front of a game. Isak and Even retreated to the bedroom, too tired to join. All of the sun and adrenaline was catching up to them.

“It feels weird, to be done.” Even crawled into bed, pulling the comforter over himself. Isak pulled it back and tugged on his gown. Even’s arms went limp and he rolled around until the fabric was free. “Throw it away,” he muttered into his pillow. Isak sipped his champagne and folded their gowns. He probably _was_ going to throw his away, but not yet. It was still graduation day. He carried his mug to the bed, climbing over Even’s legs to settle against the wall. Even’s eyes were closed, but he was just resting.

“So. Mama.”

Isak liked how his lips bounced when he said her name.

“Mama. How’d I do?”

“I think she loves you more than me.”

“You know that’s impossible, right?” Isak reached for one of Even’s hands under the comforter.

“I do.” Eyes still closed, Even smiled. “But you are a very close second.”

“I’m honored. And relieved. She’s a lovely woman.” Isak played with Even’s fingers. He toyed with what he would say next, what direction their conversation would take, hoping it would go the way he wanted. “Said she’d visit.”

“She goes every couple of years, to check on Grandma. I think she’s due.”

“You should join her.”

Isak was trying to be subtle about it. Casual. He didn’t want to pressure Even into anything, and knew that it was all just a fantasy, but he wanted him to know what he wanted. Come to Norway. Never leave my side.

“I’ve thought about it.” Even opened his eyes. He spoke to the ceiling. “A lot. I’ve thought about coming to visit, maybe in the fall. Being able to see you after not seeing you, being able to kiss you after not kissing you. But if I keep thinking about it, it gets complicated.”

“Why would it be complicated?” Isak leaned to his left and set his mug down. “I think we have the kissing part down pretty well.”

Even laughed, but it dissolved into a quiet groan. “Alright, we’re doing this.”

Isak’s heart skipped a beat before his brain realized what Even meant. Even had let go of Isak’s hand so he could push himself up and lean against the headboard. He was preparing. Isak sat up straight against the wall, steeling himself in response.

“Isak…I’m not entirely sure what we are right now, but whatever it is…it ends on Wednesday. You know this. You’ve been counting down.”

“It doesn’t ha—“

“It does. I’m staying here. You’re going home. It was hard enough living a whole hallway away from you. It won’t work when there are 3,700 miles between us.”

“You don’t kn—“

“I know that your last relationship with 3,700 miles in the middle of it ended quite poorly.”

Isak’s quiet frustration twisted into a sharp anger. “Why the fuck does everything come back to Alex? Seriously! Somehow you’ve talked more about him than I have this entire semester. He was _my_ boyfriend.”

“I am _painfully_ aware of that, Isak.”

“Then what is it? Why are you so obsessed? Why does everyone want to suck his dick?”

Even rolled his eyes, but didn’t snap back. “Because…he had what I wanted. Isak, he had you, and he had you for a long time. I was jealous, and I wanted to know how he did it. How did he catch your eye? How did he catch your heart? How did he manage to keep it from 3,700 miles away? What did he do? What did he say? What made _you_ want to suck his dick? Isak. I’m so desperate for those answers. I want to know how to do this, because I…I can’t fuck this up.”

“You’re a fucking idiot, Even. You’re breaking up with me, but you don’t want to fuck this up. You’re obsessed with my ex, but it’s because you want to imitate his long-distance relationship. There…I can’t even dignify this with logic.”

“I was obsessed with Alex because I was obsessed with you.” Even spoke softly, plainly, and this calmed Isak down. He took a breath, and tried to focus on Even’s intentions instead of his poorly executed actions. He extended his legs and crossed them over Even’s, wanting to have some sort of contact.

“Even. Alex lost me the day I met you. He had me, but only because I didn’t have you yet. And I was too stupid and scared to…to let myself have you. This,” Isak gestured between them, “had nothing to do with Alex. And probably would’ve happened a lot sooner if he didn’t exist. So can you please stop giving him credit for something he had no part in?”

“Fine.”

Isak softened further. “God, we’re so stupid.”

“So stupid, so scared.”

“Someone deserves credit, but it definitely isn’t us.”

“Let’s give it to Justin. We owe him one.”

“Fuck, we owe him like a million.”

“At least twenty for sucking that dick.”

“Even!” Isak almost laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “You literally can’t stop talking about his dick.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop.” He held up his hands in surrender. “But….”

“Even.”

“Humor me, please.”

Isak kicked at Even’s legs, then gave in. “This is the last time either of us talk about him. Ever.” He crawled the short distance to Even’s lap, hitching up his khakis so he could straddle him.

“You could just show me a picture.”

“I don’t have any.”

“Bullshit. If I have tits on my phone, you have dicks.”

“You have tits on your phone?!” Isak was almost too shocked to react, so he ended up pinching Even’s neck between his thumb and forefinger.

“Ow! No deflections! Show me his dick!”

“That reminds me.” Isak rose up on his knees and leaned over Even’s head to reach his phone. “I need a picture of _your_ dick before I leave. Or five. Ten.” As Isak unlocked his phone Even’s hands wrapped around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

“Stop. Deflecting.” Even bit. Isak winced but didn’t pull away. He pushed himself into Even’s mouth and dared him to bite again.

Then they stopped, licking away their saliva. “I swear I don’t have any. I deleted them all.”

“When?”

“I know that trick. Double deleted. They’re gone.”

Even actually looked disappointed, but tried to cover it up. “You’re a nice ex-boyfriend.”

“Can I take pictures of yours? Tomorrow? Justin leaves, and we’ll have good lighting.”

“Describe it to me.”

“You should take a shower, and then maybe by the window, with—“

“His dick, you idiot.” Even kissed him again, delaying the one thing he was asking for.

Except it helped Isak. It relaxed him. Even made him feel sexy, sucking on his lips, shifting his hips so he could feel more of him. And he’d played this game before. “Thick,” he mumbled around his tongue.

Even’s eyes snapped to his. “Yeah?” They separated, to look at each other.

“Thicker than you. Darker. But shorter. And softer.” Isak pressed against Even with each comparison, pulsing Even to attention. “You’re longer. The longest. And you get…so…hard.” Isak’s hands were between them, feeling the length grow under the denim.

“Because of you.”

They touched each other, felt the rush in their breaths and the heat in their hands.

“Because of you,” Isak echoed back.

He let his eyes close, let himself fall back into a kiss, because it was Even in the room, Even between his legs.


	28. Naked

Isak was sad to see his roommates go. They trickled out on Monday, and Isak helped carry garbage bags and laundry baskets down to waiting parents and annoyed sisters. Justin was the last to leave, his dad running a few hours late because… “Because he’s my dad. I dunno. He’s always late. Told you we shouldn’t have brought everything down yet.”

Isak and Justin were sitting on his luggage at the curb, waiting for a family to leave so they could reserve the parking spot for Justin’s dad. They dropped into silence for a while, watching everyone else, enjoying the sunny day. Some people were crying and hugging. Others let out screams of excitement. Isak and Justin felt nothing except relief, no pressure to do or say anything.

Justin was going to spend the summer working at a landscaper, sweating with three guys in a truck, mowing lawns and trimming hedges and earning unfortunate tan lines. He didn’t get any design internships, but at least he was employed, and still in his field. He’d work up from the bottom. He was happy.

“Hey.” Isak slapped him gently with the back of his hand. “What happened with that girl at Riverdale?”

“We had fun. She had really good pot.”

“What’s she doing?”

“Grad school.”

“Here?”

“California.”

“Ah. Sorry?”

“Nah. I mean, I‘ll miss her pot. But we weren’t a thing. Just…fun.”

A couple of minutes passed, the return of the silence. Then: “God, that pot.”

Isak laughed. If he were a betting man he’d put money in Justin becoming a marijuana farmer in five years. End up in California, too. Happy.

His dad arrived half an hour later, parallel parking his truck smoothly. He picked up Justin in a big bear hug. “Dad.”

“I had hugs left over from yesterday. Deal with it.”

Justin sighed. Isak started lifting bags into the bed of the truck. When Justin was released he climbed up the tire and organized his stuff so nothing would go flying on the drive. Once everything was loaded he stretched a bungee net over top.

“Fast work, boys.” Justin’s dad helped him jump down.

“I guess…that’s it.” Justin wiped his palms on the back of his shorts. He lifted his arms out to the side, one last bro hug. Isak smiled, but didn’t let him get away with it. He scooped Justin up just like his dad had done and swung him around for good measure. “Ohhhh, fuck you Isak,” he said into his shoulder.

“I love you man,” Isak admitted when he let him go. “Thanks for being a great friend.”

“You too, Isak. It’s been a ride.” They clapped each other on their shoulders. Justin’s dad revved the engine, ready to pull out of the spot. “Call me when you come back. I’ll get you fucked up.”

“Good man.”

Justin turned and climbed into the cab. “Oh, and Isak.” Justin leaned out the window, calling Isak closer. “Say hi to Alex for me.”

Isak sent Justin off with a middle finger salute.

* * *

He could hear how empty the apartment was before he even opened the door. He twisted his key and leaned, letting it fall open with his weight. “Even?” Even was sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead. “You okay?”

“Yeah. It is just…incredibly boring here without the TV.” Even was looking at nothing. Beige walls, beige carpet, empty table. Phillip took home the flags so the wall behind him was empty too. Isak tossed his keys onto the counter and went to his bedroom to fetch their laptops. They had the space now, might as well spread out.

“Movie?”

“Whatcha got?”

Even leaned over and they scrolled through Isak’s selection. He had quite a few options, but also thought he should download as much as he could before he left. He opened the fileshare and ran it in the background. They watched something stupid, an hour and a half of half-hearted chuckles and groans. Their bodies slowly settled into each other, filling the couch with their lazy lengths. When the movie ended they let the screen go black.

Late in the afternoon Isak whispered, “48 hours.” Two days left until his car would drive him away from Even.

Even’s hand blindly found Isak’s mouth and covered it with his palm. He squeezed with his fingers, gentle, but firm. “No countdown. New rule.” Isak nodded into his hand. “Wait!” Even let him go, completely, as he wriggled away and stood.

“What?”

Even pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it onto the table. “Apartment is empty. According to _the rules_ I can fuck you now.”

Isak rolled his eyes as he sat up. He was still feeling pitiful about his countdown, but Even kept removing his clothes and…it was working. And he wasn’t even being sexy about it; he might as well have been stripping just to take a shower. Isak felt himself grow in his shorts.

“You want to?” Even hopped around, pulling off his socks.

“Y-yeah.” Isak swallowed. He did, but he also wasn’t moving. He just kept watching, trying to commit this to memory: Even’s nakedness, Even’s desire, Even’s spontaneity, Even’s light.

“Going to make me do all of the work, huh?” He was down to his underwear, boxer briefs that tented around his erection, when he walked back over to Isak and pulled on his shirt.

“Oi, hold on.” Isak stood and removed his shirt properly.

“Keep going. Stay right there.” Even disappeared.

Isak undressed, adding to the pile of clothes on the table. He’d probably have to do one more load of laundry before they left. He was naked and distracted, moving to the kitchen to check the cupboards again. Another box to ship tomorrow too.

“Hey. The naked thing is for sex, not cooking.” Even returned with the lube in one hand, condoms in the other, and a towel folded over his forearm like a goddamn sommelier.

He never wanted to smile at Even’s jokes. They were always on the cusp of being officially bad. But he did. He smiled every time.

His body remembered the task at hand, his dick following Even back to the couch. Even tossed the supplies onto the cushions and turned to meet Isak. He surprised him a little with a kiss. Naked as they were, Isak wasn’t sure what he was expecting. But his lips picked up quickly.

They stood in the living room and held each other lightly. Their eyes were closed and their mouths felt their way around. Their hands formed and moved around muscles, grazing warm skin. Commit this to memory.

Then, once their heart rates had picked up, once their blood started leaving them breathless, Even broke away. He dropped his underwear. He picked up Isak’s phone from the coffee table and held it in front of him to unlock. Once he did Even walked them closer to the window and drew Isak to him in the orange light. He took pictures. Their foreheads leaning into each other. Lashes lowered and lips clinging. Isak’s hand on his chest. His fingers skimming his pubic hair and the curve of his cock. The line where thigh met thigh. He gave Isak dick pics. He gave him his whole body.

“For when you forget,” he whispered, as their noses touched and he took a picture of it. “You’ll know what it looked like. You’ll know what it felt like.”

Even put the phone down and focused on the feeling. They made it to the couch, Isak going down first, dragging Even down with him. It was a little more difficult to figure out a position that was comfortable, mostly because they didn’t care. They’d twist, they’d pinch, as long as they could kiss skin and make friction. They managed to get the towel under them though.

“Okay okay wait.” Isak pushed Even away by his shoulders and untangled his legs.

“Still yes?”

“Always yes. Just…I need you in me. Stuff.” Isak was actually sitting on the condoms so he dug one out. Even reached behind him for the lube.

“Did you know that you—ah…have ten condoms left?” Isak stroked Even twice and then rolled on the condom.

“I wasn’t keeping count.”

“You count hours. I count condoms.” Even squirted lube onto his forefinger and elbowed Isak’s legs apart. “Anyway, we have to use them up before you go.” Isak leaned back, lifting his ass for easier access. He hissed at the first touch. “That’s…doable, right? Once every four hours?”

“Ask your dick that.”

“I’m asking your asshole.” Isak clenched in response. Even chuckled. “That’s cute.”

Isak had been resting on his elbows but let himself fall flat as Even added more fingers. He hooked one leg up on the back of the couch and extended the other to the coffee table. He opened up as much as he could. He was ready to let go.

Even felt for Isak’s prostate like a phlebotomist finds a vein. He tapped it, just to make sure, getting a shaky moan and a few drops of pre-cum as confirmation. Then he transitioned as smoothly as possible from his fingers to his dick, aiming for that spot again. He hit it on the way in and kept on going.

“FUU—Even.” Isak’s back arched so much he was almost sitting up. Even pressed him down. He plunged, long and deep and slow, so Isak could feel every inch of him. Isak moaned as he breathed, and when he regained some control he squeezed. He liked hearing Even too.

“Ugh, so tight. Ungh. Ungh.” Even placed his palm over Isak’s dick, lightly enough that it could still move every time Even thrust forward. He kept his pace steady for a bit, waiting until he could feel Isak settling on that threshold. Then: more.

Not as deep, but faster. A different angle too, fucking up into Isak so he felt the full effect of his curve. Isak’s moans evolved into whines and whimpers, the only kind of encouragement that Even understood. They were more than words. And they were finally, finally, so fucking loud.

“Yes…there…hnnnnngh…oh god….”

“Yeah? You like that? Open your eyes. Watch me fuck you.” Even had been holding Isak’s thighs, to keep him open and for leverage, but now he dropped between them and held himself up with his hands gripping the edges of the cushion under Isak. His thrusts got shallower but picked up speed, favoring the heat over the control. Even felt like an animal, hunched over his prize, trapping him with his dick. Isak was paralyzed with the mounting pleasure. He couldn’t move, didn’t want to move, lest he knock it off its course.

“Come on,” he gasped, his mouth hanging open and barely forming the words. “Fuck me.” He could feel Even’s balls slapping against his cheeks. He heard the squish of the lube, almost as loud as their breathing. He found his hands and grabbed Even’s waist, pulling him down for more heat. He thrust back at Even, rubbing his cock against the flexing of his abs. “You’re…gonna make me come.” Everything was tightening: his balls, his lungs, his grip on Even’s back.

“Come for me.”

“Come with me.”

They stared at each other, the rest of their bodies racing for the finish line. Isak tipped first, his eyes widening, a sharp inhale announcing the jerk of his cock and warm cum against Even’s belly. Even kept thrusting, only seconds behind, and then he pressed himself deep into Isak, curling up his hips, unloading into the condom. “Fuuuuuuck,” long and loud.

He kept fucking Isak as long as his cock would allow, through the absolute end of their orgasms, through the hypersensitivity and trembling thighs. Small thrusts that felt like earthquakes and made Isak scream. “Even!”

He stopped. He pulled out. He let Isak recover a bit while he leaned back on his heels and tied off the condom. “One down. Ten to go.” Isak had flung his arm over his eyes and his chest was heaving, legs still splayed. But before Even went completely soft he crawled forward again, lining up their cocks and scooping up Isak’s cum. He stroked them together. He dipped his head to suck on Isak’s nipple. He touched him so he wouldn’t stop saying his name.

In between kisses across his chest, to his other nipple, Even asked, “Another?”

“I don’t think so.” He dropped his arm, patting Even on the back. “Four hours.”

Isak couldn’t take another round, but he could feel Even getting hard again from his slow strokes. He nudged Even up with his hands until he understood what Isak wanted. Even climbed up and sat on Isak’s chest, ready for a tongue bath. Isak cleaned Even’s cock then pulled his hips closer so he could suck on his full length. Even leaned forward on the arm of the couch and shut his eyes, relishing the feel of Isak’s throat. He bobbed his head occasionally, moving up to the head and back down, but mostly just kept swallowing. The steady suction drew out another orgasm, quick and small. Even pulsed into the back of Isak’s throat, grunting as he came. He felt a twinge of a cramp in his groin from the extended tension so he released Isak’s mouth quickly and stood up on shaky legs. “Fuck. Thank you.”

“You taste good.”

“Benefit of not drinking. And pineapple.” He bent down and kissed Isak. “Shower?”

“Help me up.” Isak raised his arms, just about the most movement he could manage, and Even pulled him upright. They kissed again. They kissed all the way to the bathroom.

* * *

Isak had to put on clothes to ship his last box of belongings, his good kettle and copper-bottom pan wrapped in pairs of jeans. Otherwise they were naked, because dressing and undressing every four hours was an unnecessary step at this point. They ate the remains of Isak’s fridge standing in the kitchen. They used two condoms standing in the kitchen too. Another 24 hours passed, just eating and sleeping and fucking and not having to care about anything but each other.

During a particularly nostalgic moment in bed, Isak picked up his phone and scrolled back four years in his camera roll. He replayed his time in America with his thumb, flicking through freshman, sophomore, and junior year. He slowed down during senior year, when he started seeing the faces he recognized, the ones he had just said goodbye to. Even leaned over to watch.

“Did you have fun?” he whispered into Isak’s shoulder.

“A lot.”

“What was your favorite part?”

Isak scrolled down to the photos Even had taken. He swiped through them. “Don’t know if I can pick just one.” He stopped on the one of his hand on Even’s chest. Then he rolled to his side and placed his hand on Even’s chest again. Even lifted his arm so Isak could tuck under, rest his head.

“That’s a good one.”

“It’s great. It’s perfect.” He dropped his phone between them. “I don’t want to lose it.”

“You have it.” Even held his hand in place with his own. Isak slipped out of his grasp so he could prop himself up on his forearms.

“Even.”

“Isak.” He shook his head slowly, a silent plea.

“You can stay here. I…I can come back. We can look for new jobs in September.”

“Isak, no.”

“Why not?”

“Because this is not your life. This is not what it would be.”

“How do you know?”

“Because it’s my life too, and this is not how it goes.” Even wasn’t looking at him again.

“It could.”

“It won’t. And frankly I’m surprised it’s gone this way for so long.”

“So. This is it.” Isak tried to keep the shaking out of his voice.

“Please. Let it be.”

He did, for a few minutes. “But—“ Then he couldn’t help it. “If I come back in September, will you still be here? You…you don’t have to wait for me. I could find you again. I could be your neighbor.”

“That sounds…beautiful. Like a dream. All of this has been such a dream, Isak. But we have to wake up.” Even sat up, away. Isak followed with his eyes, watched his spine curve and his head drop. Isak sat up too, but kept the distance. He didn’t want to get too close to what he could feel coming. “I’m so glad I met you. I’m so glad you stayed. I’m so grateful for what you’ve done for me. But what you’ve seen isn’t…me. I think you’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

Isak thought he was joking. He looked around at the room, at Justin’s empty side, his suitcase open on the floor, searching for the other Even. But there was just the one in front of him. “Who did I fall in love with then?”

“Someone…not as broken. Someone who has a future. And I don’t know how long he’ll hang around.”

Isak was thoroughly confused. He didn’t know who this other person was. “But there’s just you. You don’t know how long you’ll hang around?”

Even sighed. It wasn’t the heavy sigh of frustration, just his search for the right words. “Do you remember when we first started hanging out? We were talking in your kitchen, and you told me that you would be going back to Norway after you graduated.”

Isak nodded. He remembered being so overwhelmed by Even, by his confidence and physicality and charm. That Even was different from the Even he saw in front of him now, not because they were different people, but because he knew more of him. And Isak had adapted to it. Isak had grown to allow more of Even into his life.

“Because you were a different person back home.” 

Isak nodded again. He remembered that too. He remembered missing that person, then, but he wasn’t so sure about it now.

“It gave me an idea, when you said that. It made me think I could be a different person. I could have this…trial period, one semester, where no one knew my failures and secrets and shame. I could just…be. And I could fight off my old self as long as I made it to graduation. That was the deal. Just four months of control, of freedom, just to see if I could. Just to taste it again.”

“So this was an experiment.” The last word got tangled on something in Isak’s throat and barely came out intact.

“Sort of. Mostly it was a wish, that kept coming true every day.” Even turned back to isak then, the setting sun backlighting him and setting his hair on fire. Isak saw his skin twist in the shadows. “I cannot keep you at the mercy of my wish. That Even won’t hang around. He won’t wait for you.”

Isak took a deep breath, his chest shaking like a radiator. “So what’s going to happen?”

“Everything will change. I’ll get scared.” Even’s hands were in his lap, twisting the edge of the comforter. “I’ll get weak. What you’re so afraid of will happen again, but worse.”

“What am I so afraid of?”

“My mania. My depression. Me.”

The words hit him like a slap across his face, and Isak jerked back in response.

“I’m not afraid of you. Or the mania. Or the depression.” He didn’t want to but he knew he had to list the symptoms. He had to make his definition airtight. “I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of letting you push me away.” Isak pushed himself forward, wrapping his legs around Even’s hips and curling into his back. He kissed at the pink scratches he had left on Even’s shoulders. His hands found Even’s in his lap.

“Well…that’s what happens. It’s how I keep you safe.”

“I don’t want to be safe. I want to be in love.”

 _That's_ what Even was afraid of.

He wasn’t afraid of himself anymore. He was comfortable with how he changed, his unpredictability, or at least he didn’t really care. It became a problem though, when someone else was involved. When other people’s lives had to change because of his. When Mama had to sacrifice so much just to watch over him. When Isak talked about derailing his career and abandoning his home. He didn’t want that to happen again, for someone to make decisions in service of him, to only regret it in the end. His friends had learned. His girlfriends had learned. Loving him was a risk not worth taking, because that’s how he ended up causing so much pain.

“You will be. Just not with me. We’ll want each other forever, but you’ll be in love…you’ll be loved by someone else.”

Isak sighed. He didn’t know how to fight this. Even made him more and more desperate with every defense, but he knew that he couldn’t win with desperation. He also didn’t like that it felt like a fight. Unless that’s what love actually was: just a constant battle for someone’s heart.

He waved a white flag. “Please don’t say it’s Alex.”

Even laughed and the melancholy dissipated. “Would you get back with him though?” Even turned his head to look at Isak, a little bit curious, a little bit teasing.

“No. Or…I’m sure something drunk will happen. Always does. But I don’t think we’d get back to where we were.”

“I can’t wait to see you in his snaps.”

Isak pulled one of his hands out of their tangle of fingers to pinch Even in his side. “God…is he still making the rounds?”

“I think so. Except I might have seen a repeat offender the other night. He’s really making up for lost time.”

Another pinch.

“I guess I kept him celibate for a while though. He’s free now.”

Even waited a beat, then asked, tentatively, “What about you? What would you go for?”

They understood the unspoken _You, of course,_ but gave it a moment to pass on its own.

“Like, would I want another tall, blond, barely Norwegian guy?” Isak kissed the nape of Even’s neck to let him know it was okay to tease. He would play.

“Yeah. Or back to the smaller, darker guys.”

“I don’t know if I have a type like that. I have a uh…varied history.”

“Well!” Even leaned back, pressing Isak flat into the mattress, then rolled off him to reach his phone. “Time to take a trip down memory lane. What’s your passcode?”

“What are you doing?” Isak flipped to his belly and reached for his phone in Even’s hand.

“We’re going to look up your old boyfriends on instagram.”

“Nei! That is…illegal.”

Even joined Isak on his stomach, pillow bunched up under his chest, but kept the phone out of grabbing distance. “Isak, we’re doing it. We’re going to find some patterns and then we’re going to find some prospects. It’s what your dick deserves. Market research.”

“I hate you.”

“Good. Passcode.” Isak scoffed. “Fine. I’ll make some wild guesses and lock you out.”

Even paused, then tapped his first guess. His eyebrows nearly touched his hairline in shock when the phone unlocked. “You are…so obsessed with me.”

“Fuck off.” Isak dropped his head in embarrassment, which was a little ridiculous considering he was lying there naked. He had also been inches away from asking Even to marry him, so his phone was barely a betrayal.

Even’s face softened. “I’m honored.” He gave Isak a peck on the cheek before returning to the task at hand. “Alright, who came before Alex?” Even let out a snort at his own lewd joke. Isak gave him a shove when it registered for him. “Come on.” When Even rebounded he settled in closer to Isak, offering him the phone screen. Instagram was open, a post from Jonas at the top of his feed. Isak tapped the search and started typing in a name.

“Before you judge me, remember that you’re about to join this hall of fame.”

“Is that what we’re calling this now?” Even reached back and gave him a soft slap across his ass.

“For the rest of your fucking life.”

* * *

When they woke up they didn’t move. Isak was still a little sore from what happened at 3 am, but more importantly, movement meant time, and time meant goodbye. They looked at each other and willed it to slow down. They watched the morning light change the colors of their eyes and skin. They watched shadows dance without them. They understood that this is how they would remember each other: at peace.

And then: “I have to pee. I love you, but I have to pee.” Isak kissed Even and then rolled away. He ran to the bathroom, cursed his bladder, washed his hands, and ran back.

“You also have to pack,” Even said, as Isak burrowed back under the comforter.

“No.”

“Are you going to wash anything or just pack dirty?”

“Dirty.”

“Save it for Mamma.”

Isak nodded into Even’s chest.

“Well we used up all of the condoms so there’s nothing else left for you to do. And we should eat. Come on, I have to pack too.”

Even tried to push Isak away, but he just wrapped his arms tighter and didn’t let go. So they stayed.

* * *

Even took back his pillow, two of Isak’s t-shirts, and his russ coveralls. Isak threw out his bedding and toiletries after one more shower. Then the rest of the apartment fit into his suitcase.

Isak was packed and ready to go about an hour before his car was supposed to arrive. They moved over to Even’s apartment and started cleaning up, to distract themselves.

“Is everyone gone?”

“I think we’re the last ones in the whole tower.” Even tugged his suitcase out from under the bed with a grunt. “Summer students move in next week.”

It was strange, thinking that this world was just going to continue without him. That someone would come and sleep in his bed, stress out at his desk, be kissed in his kitchen. Isak felt so possessive of the apartment, its history, even though that was already what it was: history. Someone was about to live their own life right over it.

Isak went out to Even’s kitchen and rooted around in his drawers. He didn’t expect to find what he was looking for, but he was still hopeful, and pleasantly surprised when did. He pulled out the lone steak knife and walked back to the bedroom. Even turned around in time to see Isak shimmying under his bed, into the space just vacated by his luggage. “Uh….”

“Just keep packing. I’ll be done soon.”

Even went back to his clothes, setting aside one outfit for tomorrow but rolling the rest into tight bundles. He listened to Isak’s dull scratching and figured out what was going on. “We used to do that at camp. Scratch our names into the walls of our cabins. Or, actually, most of the time the guys just tried to draw penises.”

“I’m not drawing a penis.”

Whatever it was took longer than Isak thought, but he was determined. He kept scratching until his phone buzzed on the mattress above him. “What is it?”

“Um, I think your car is here.”

“Shit. Okay, hold on.” Isak rushed to finish the last letter, then crawled back out.

“I wish I could tell my six-year-old self that if a murderer was really hiding under my bed it would take them twenty minutes to actually reach me.” Even stiftled a laugh as Isak, pink in the face from the effort, stood up.

“Shut up, I’m still holding the knife.” Isak checked his phone to confirm that his car was here. “Fuck.” He dropped the knife on the bed.

“Time to go?”

Isak didn’t answer but he didn’t have to. Even took his hand and led him out to the living room, where Isak's suitcase and backpack were waiting. They shoved their feet into their shoes in silence.

“Wait.”

“We can’t.” Even pulled him along, and Isak dragged his suitcase. They left #1221.

Outside Isak pointed to the car. Even kept pulling. He slapped the trunk to get the driver to pop it open, and then loaded up Isak’s suitcase. Isak turned for one last look at the tower. Then he faced his neighbor.

“It feels like you’re sending me off to war.”

Even smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He didn’t say anything at all. He pulled Isak into him, wrapping his arms as tight as he could. Isak drew his arms up around Even’s neck and buried his face in his t-shirt. He kissed Even’s collarbone.

He raised his head but pressed it close to Even’s. He whispered. “I love you. I’m going to fight for you.” Then he stepped back and held Even’s gaze. “I hope you fight for you too.”

* * *

Isak waited at the gate, in a row of seats facing the tall windows. His backpack was at his feet, phone in his lap. He watched planes in the distance taxi and take off. He touched two fingers to his lips and felt the ghost of Even’s kiss. He wondered how long it would take until his body would start to forget.

His phone pinged and lit up the screen.

_[even_with_an_e](https://www.instagram.com/even_with_an_e/) tagged you in a post._


	29. Knock

Alex met him at the airport, and Isak was so shocked to see him he stopped walking, making the person behind him trip over his suitcase. He apologized, then finished walking. “What are you doing here?”

“You look horrible.”

Isak knew. He had seen his face when he’d gone to the bathroom about an hour before he’d landed. It was puffy and red from crying and not sleeping. He thought of a couple of digs to respond with, but didn’t have the heart to do it. “Why are you here?”

Alex’s face dropped when he realized it wasn’t the time for jokes. “Even sent me. I’m here to bring you home.”

Isak felt his knees give out when he heard his name. Alex leaped forward and steadied him. Isak thought he’d be immune here, miles away, but his wounds were still open and paintful to the slightest touch.

“Sorry, sorry. Let’s go.” Alex grabbed the handle of Isak’s suitcase and pressed his palm into Isak’s back to propel him forward. They walked to the train.

Alex guided him back to Isak’s father’s apartment, where Isak had been staying ever since high school. His mother lived further out in his childhood home, and while he visited as often as he could, living in the city center with his father made more sense for school. And then for Alex. And now for work.

“Hello, Terje! I have returned your son.”

“Thank you, Alex.” Terje opened the door and stepped to the side, welcoming them both inside.

“Hei, Pappa,” Isak whispered as he passed. He didn’t trust his voice yet, especially after having to choke back tears almost the whole way home. Terje clapped his son on his shoulder, giving a little squeeze. Alex walked directly to the guest room where Isak crashed between semesters. It was colder than usual, bare from an empty year. Alex rolled Isak’s suitcase into the corner. Isak sighed when he entered.

“Right. This is where I recommend a nap. Sleep off as much of this as possible.”

“What else did he say?”

“What?”

“What else did Even tell you?”

Alex saw the pain, heard it in the question. He was tempted to say something to make Isak feel better, but knew that it would just make things worse. He tried to soften his face. “Just to bring you home, make sure you get here safely. He wanted you to have a familiar face at the gate.”

Isak tried to wait him out, to draw out more with silence. Surely there was more. But Alex kept to the truth. “Okay. Thanks.”

“Do you want me to stay with you?”

Isak considered it. He wondered if it would be better to hold someone right now, or be held. He shook his head. “No, I think I’m just going to sleep.”

“That’s good.” Alex walked closer to him, reaching out as if to steady him again. “It’ll hurt for a bit.” He too squeezed Isak’s shoulder. “But then…s” He dangled an undefined future between them. Something, whatever it was, would take away the pain. Another squeeze, and then Alex drew him in for a hug. Isak raised his arms in return, matching the pressure.

He thought about how different it felt from hugging Even. He let go.

“Sleep. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

Alex let himself out. Isak didn’t think to ask him about Sunday. He sat on the edge of the bed and fell backward. He looked to his left and his arm followed, dragging one of the pillows to his chest.

It smelled strange. It didn’t smell like them.

* * *

Isak slept through Thursday and Friday. Terje checked on him, leaving fresh glasses of water and post-its of whatever food was ready for him to eat. He had taken off the rest of the week from work to catch up with his son, but he ended up just witnessing the quiet. He shuffled around the apartment and listened at Isak’s door. He wondered why he heard crying.

On Saturday Isak went to Mamma’s. He hadn’t touched his suitcase but found a clean outfit in his closet. He dragged his suitcase to the bus and reoriented himself to the city. This was the heartbeat he was supposed to follow.

Marianne had food waiting for him when he arrived. Isak plastered a smile on his face for her, and told her about his last year of school. He left out the best part, the worst part, and talked about labs and American food and his wacky wild roommates instead. She liked Phillip.

“You did well, Isak. I’m proud of you. And I’m glad you’re back.”

“Thank you, Mamma.”

Marianne stood up and fetched Isak’s suitcase from the hallway. She wordlessly started a load of laundry, getting to the true reason why Isak was there. Isak went to his bedroom and started combing through the clothes he had left behind. He would need slightly more formal outfits for the office next week.

Some of the boxes Isak had shipped back had already arrived, and Marianne had stacked them neatly in his bedroom. He avoided them, though, partly because he knew what was in there and partly because they were memories. Small memories, distant associations, but memories nonetheless. The scarf he was wearing when he met Even. A textbook with important notes, but also Even’s name on page 335. Yes, those were going to stay packed away for a while. He piled up khaki pants and another pair of dress shoes, every button-down he owned. He’d repack his suitcase as soon as Mamma was done.

Once everything was sorted Isak collapsed into the remaining space on his bed. He was tired, still needing to catch up on lost sleep, but he was also homesick. He was home, but homesick. He shifted to his side and opened instagram on his phone. He went right to Even’s profile, scrolling to the end (the beginning?). Despite having photos of Even on his own profile and dominating his camera roll, this was the one he loved to look at. It was the closest he could be to Even now, seeing them through his eyes. He looked at Even. He asked him the questions he didn’t know he should have asked before he left. He wondered how much had already changed.

“Isak?” Marianne knocked on his door.

“Yes?” Isak bid her entry without moving.

“You have some clothes with another boy’s name in them. And a phone number.” Marianne held up Even’s sweatshirt and sweatpants, the confusion on her face asking the questions for her. Isak climbed out of bed and took them from her. He looked at Even’s name, stamped in ink at the hem, and wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before. He didn’t recognize the number either.

“They were…my friend’s.”

Marianne waited him out.

“We traded some clothes. Even…was my boyfriend.” Isak stared at the clothes in his hands, unable to look at his mother, unable to look away from Even’s name.

“Oh. I thought Alex—“

“We broke up when he came to visit over spring break. Because I had fallen in love with….” Isak held up the sweatshirt. When he finally raised his eyes to Marianne’s, he was surprised by how soft she looked. He hadn’t expected her to understand so completely that she moved right into empathy, but she was looking at him like she knew the only way to recover from something so devastating as leaving your love behind.

You had to do it slowly. Softly.

Marianne waited again, to be sure of what her son wanted, and then she drew him into a quiet hug.

“I’d love to hear about him someday.”

Isak pressed his cheek against her hair. “I’ll tell you when it hurts less.”

* * *

On Sunday Isak returned to Terje’s with a refreshed wardrobe and a bit more focus. He had to report to the office by 9 the next morning, and both he and Terje were excited about it. “We can take the same bus together! I’ll leave a little earlier than usual.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“It will be fun. Just like the first day of school.” Terje thumbed over his shoulder at the fridge, where he had an old photo of little Isak smiling in front of his elementary school.

“Ohhh that’s…please don’t take a picture of me tomorrow.”

“It’s happening.”

“Pappa.”

Terje shrugged and smiled. He wouldn’t, if Isak didn’t want it, but he thought he’d want to immortalize it anyway. He was going to start the next stage of his life, and he should be proud of reaching this moment. Terje was. He reached across the couch and shook Isak’s shoulder. “Be ready to go by 8:15. Don’t want to be late.”

A text chimed on Isak’s phone. _Dinner tonight, Olivia’s 19_

Isak squinted at it, the first text in a long time from Alex. He was still typing. _With the guys_

And then he remembered, this must have been what Alex was talking about when he picked him up a few days ago.

“Do you have dinner plans?” Isak returned his attention to his father.

“No, thought we could just order something in.”

“Alex is having dinner with the guys and wants me to join.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Do you mind if I—“

“No no, please go. We will have plenty of nights ordering in to come. Get out while you still can.”

Isak wasn’t particularly excited about this, but Terje had a point. His last few days of delicious freedom, the undefined existence between student and intern, were spent wallowing in bed. The least he could do was kill the remaining hours with carbohydrates and wine. He sent back a _Fine_ , then stood up. He’d need an outfit for this too.

* * *

Alex met him outside the restaurant. “I must say, this is much improved from Thursday.” They exchanged cheek kisses.

“Thank you, Alex.”

“I mean, I’ve seen you wrecked before but that was rough.”

“Lovely to see you too.”

“Can’t believe they let you back in the country like that.”

Before Isak could even threaten a slap Alex linked his arm through his and pulled him into the restaurant.

“Everyone else is here already. We’re all so happy to welcome you back.”

“I don’t know if I’ll survive two more hours of what you just did.”

“Don’t worry, they’re still your supportive friends. I’m just the scorned lover.”

“Alex.” Isak stopped walking, making Alex double back.

“Isak, I’m just joking. As much as I’m sure you’d love it, I haven’t spent the last month losing sleep over you. Now come on, the food is getting cold.” Alex took Isak’s hand and pulled him the rest of the way to the table, where Jonas, Magnus, Eric, and Nils were surrounded by beers and a variety of pizzas. Isak was distracted by how Alex’s hand felt in his again (different) so the whoops that rang out once he arrived gave him a little shock. A smile bloomed on his face though, as all of his friends scraped back their chairs to greet him with hugs.

They ate and drank and traded seats throughout the evening, catching up with each other in smaller conversations. They mapped out where everyone was working and living and what they should do on the weekends, who still had cabins to wreck. When Isak had made his way around the table and returned to Alex, he was pulled into a chat with Jonas.

“So Jonas and I were thinking…once you’re settled in at work, you need to find your own apartment.”

Isak looked around the table. “Why?” Half of them still lived with their parents, so he didn’t understand why he was the target of this mission. Alex and Jonas traded a look while Isak reached for another slice.

“We just think it would be…helpful. To be on your own and…. Like, Terje is great, but what are you going to do if you want to bring someone home?”

Isak choked. “I uh, didn’t realize I was bringing someone home.”

“Well not right away, but you’re also not going to find an apartment right away either. It’s time to start looking. For both.”

“Alright, guys. It’s been literally four days. I think I deserve a little more time than that.”

“We just want to make sure you’re not missing any opportunities.” Jonas made it sound like a business strategy. Isak almost expected him to whip out a powerpoint on the benefits of regular appearances at the club.

“Look, when we started out we never went back to your place, always to mine. And that was still pretty embarrassing because everyone could hear!”

“Alex!”

“My point is, you can get away with that shit as students but we are like, responsible adults now. We can still have sleazy hook-ups but in the privacy of our own homes. No silly _rules_.”

The way Alex said it made Isak’s eyes snap up. “Did you…did you get that from Even?”

Alex looked trapped, but couldn’t think of any way out of it. “Well, it was a ridiculous rule,” he said a bit quieter.

“Jesus Christ. What else did he tell you?” Isak leaned into Alex’s face and Jonas leaned back. He was not going to continue being part of _this_ conversation.

“I don’t know, whatever. We chat.”

Isak rolled his eyes. Of course they talked. They’ve always talked. And it was fine, in the beginning, when he was there with Even and Alex wasn’t, when Even reassured him it was harmless. But now that he was there with Alex and Even wasn’t, it was shrouded in the kind of mystery that tore Isak up inside. He hadn’t spoken to Even since he’d left, no call, no text, nothing. But apparently Even was still chatting with Alex about their sex life and arranging airport pick-ups like usual. It was upsetting, but Isak was curious.

“Does he, has he said anything about me?”

“Of course. You’re all we talk about. Well,” Alex looked up to the ceiling, “you and Lukas. But mostly you."

“Who is Lukas?”

“The new you. We’re going to meet him next weekend.”

“At…the club?” Moments ago they had established tentative plans with Anna.

“Yes! He dances on the weekend.”

“You’re with a dancer?!” Isak squeaked. This got Jonas’s attention, and he realized it was safe to rejoin their huddle.

“An older dancer,” he chimed in.

“Have you met him?”

“Not yet, but Alex doesn’t stop talking about him. Literally, to strangers, ‘Hi I’m Alex I’m dating a go-go dancer.’”

Isak’s mouth fell open, both in shock over the revelation and the fact that Jonas knew about it before him. Then again, he really _had_ properly stopped talking to Alex.

“Um, hello, what’s the point of dating a dancer if I can’t brag about it?”

“Touché.”

“Anyway, back to the point. I think it’s actually pretty good that you and Even don’t talk. Like, having zero contact with you when I came back really helped me move on. I had a lot of fun, you know, getting you out of my system, and I think it helped me find Lukas faster than i would have if you were here and...haunting me. I want the same thing for you. I want you to have fun and not think about him and put that ass to work in the privacy of your own place. Go wild.”

Isak nodded along, hearing Alex but not really taking his advice to heart, at least not there in the restaurant. It was decent advice, but he didn’t think it would work the same way for him. That was Alex. This was Even. And while they still had an ocean between them and didn’t talk, Isak didn’t have what Alex had: the desire to move on. All he had was the desire to get back.

* * *

So Isak didn’t go wild. He went to work. He and Terje had coffee every morning, and sometimes Terje was ready early enough to join him on the bus. At the lab he made friends with the two other interns he was assigned with, and they shadowed a research team diligently. At lunch they got to know each other a little bit, but usually just talked about what they were working on. A few times each week they discussed their odds for getting the two open research assistant jobs at the end of their internship, and what their back-up plans were in case they weren’t asked to stay on. Isak didn’t know what his was, but he made something up so it didn’t seem like he believed he was guaranteed a spot. He said he was considering school again, and got tips from the others on the best programs.

At home he half-heartedly researched schools in Norway and America, just enough to keep up the facade. He wasn’t taking any of it seriously, perhaps relying too heavily on staying at the lab come September. It wasn’t the smartest move, but he was struggling to find any kind of motivation otherwise. He just took it all day by day. Another coffee, another task, another microwaved lunch, another ride home, another evening without any communication from Even.

He wrote texts and deleted them. His finger hovered over Even’s number, desperate to call. Even if he just heard the rumble of his voicemail message, he thought it would be enough. But every time he talked himself down. It wouldn’t help. He knew it wasn’t what Even wanted, and Isak had to respect that over his own lingering pain. So he let Even settle in the back of his mind, a dull ache that kept the beat of each day. Another, then another, then another.

He didn’t mope or pine publicly. He joked at work and met up with friends regularly. They all thought he was handling the switch back home well, considering it a clean break or not considering Even at all. It had only been a month, really, and in another country, so it was easy to understand why no one was terribly concerned. Especially since Isak hid it well. He wore the outfit that Alex suggested and joined him and Anna at the club. He met Lukas, reaching up to the platform he was on for a quick handshake. He danced with Alex for Lukas’s benefit, and let other men touch him and shout suggestions to him over the music. He drank the drinks they bought and then went home, shutting off the lights that Terje left on for him when he went to bed.

Jonas sent him links to apartment listings. _This one’s a studio but looks really big. You could probably fit a sleeper couch and a room divider._ Isak opened it at work and admired the photos. It did look big. He let Jonas arrange a visit, and they went to look at it on a lunch break. Isak didn’t think he was going to take it seriously, but he found himself adding up what he’d earned so far, what he’d brought back from America, and what he could count on for the rest of the summer. It would be tight, but he could swing it. He was also pretty sure Terje would contribute if it was necessary.

“That might be the smallest bathroom in the world. I had to climb over the toilet to get out.”

“But it’s private!” the realtor sung. Jonas just gave him a fake smile in return. Isak was still by the windows along the far wall, tall ones that flooded the space with light.

“I can see the lab from here,” he murmured to no one in particular. It was a newer building and they were on a high floor. The view was refreshing. Jonas walked over and searched for his own apartment, but gave up when he realized they were facing the wrong way. He turned, but of course there weren’t any more windows, just the small kitchen and eager realtor.

“A previous tenant had really used the space well, with their bed in the corner and a low bookcase separating the area. Then they fit the couch along here,” he walked around and blocked it out for them, “and made a really cozy entertaining space. They had an island on wheels and stools for meals, so they could push that aside if they needed more room.”

Isak could see it. He wasn’t planning on entertaining to that extent, but who knows what was going to happen over the next few months. He sure as hell didn’t. He remained uncommitted as they continued to talk, easily enough, and Isak went back to work without any promises made.

_Bathroom aside, that’s a pretty nice apartment. I’ve seen smaller for less._ Jonas texted a couple hours later.

On the way home Isak scrolled through the photos again. He briefly wondered if he and Even would fit in the shower together, like they had back at school. He emailed the realtor.

* * *

Lukas, it turned out, was very helpful with building a bed frame. Ikea’s instructions were not. Nor was Alex, but he had brought Lukas along, and kept the conversation flowing between all three. Magnus and Jonas had managed to find last-minute excuses.

Isak had been scrambling together basic furnishings from Finn, but went with Ikea for the big-ticket items. It had been a good distraction, piecing together his new apartment, and kept his evenings busy. After he had built his closet, Marianne drove a few boxes of things from his room into the city. He used them to block off the space the same way the realtor had described. He’d unpack them once the bed was in place.

“Are you dancing tonight?” Alex had asked Isak to join him and Anna, so now he wondered if Lukas would be there too. He usually danced on Saturday nights.

“No, I have to go back to the office after this.”

Isak stopped hammering the joint he was working on. He was not aware that Lukas had an office job, but that made sense. “What do you do?”

“I’m an accountant.”

Isak’s jaw dropped and he turned his head slowly to Alex. Alex returned with a look of _Yes bitch, I got the whole package._ Isak didn’t know what to say, so he went with, “Congratulations.” This made Lukas chuckle and Alex preen.

“Is it uh, difficult balancing the two jobs?”

“It’s exhausting but rewarding. I get to dance my stress away, and get paid for it.”

“That’s…nice.”

“I recommend it.” Lukas reached around to line up another slat for Isak. He hammered it in, settling back into the noise and not bothering with conversation. Alex started unpacking one of the boxes, stacking books and folding clothes.

After they left, Isak dug through one of the boxes that Marianne packed, pulling out the set of sheets for his bigger bed. He wasn’t too tired from the morning’s work, but as soon as he tucked under the slate grey linen he flopped onto the center. He stared out his window and thought about Alex and Lukas, who they were, now. Alex was still Alex, but there was something different. Or maybe it was just something he hadn’t seen, when he was with him and when he was away from him. And Lukas, now that he had spent a couple of hours with him, well, now he understood why he was a repeat offender for Alex. They were both cute, cuter together. He was happy for them, and grateful that Alex was still very much part of his life. And running most of it, in fact. Isak checked his watch to see how much longer he had until he’d be meeting Alex and Anna for dinner before the club.

* * *

Despite having his own apartment now, and a bed, Isak returned home around 4 am alone. He’d stopped drinking pretty early on in the evening, and sobered up on the bus ride back. He still managed to stumble into his apartment though, not quite used to exactly where everything was at that hour. He filled up a cup with water and sat on the edge of his bed, staring down the remaining boxes. He hooked his toes into an open one and dragged it within arms reach.

He had forgotten about the sweatshirt. He was impressed by that realization, that something of Even’s had slipped away for a moment. But now it was back in full force, and he couldn’t stop himself from pulling out his phone. He sent a text.

_Hello?_

_Even?_ came the immediate response. Then the number was calling him.

Isak stared, frozen and unthinking, but accepted the call. Again: “Hello?”

At the same time a woman’s voice asked, “What’s going on?”

Isak looked around his apartment and answered honestly. “Nothing.”

“Who is this?”

“Isak. Valtersen.”

“Oh.” Isak heard the woman sigh. “Isak, this is Lise. You’ve called my emergency phone. I thought Even was already—. Why are you calling? Is something wrong?”

“N-no. I just found the number on one of Even’s shirts. I didn’t know who it was.”

“Ah. You have his shirts?”

“We traded some things.”

“Okay. Well I put the number in his clothes as a safety thing. Stole the idea from summer camp.”

Isak nodded to the room.

“If everything else is okay, I’m going to go back to bed. It’s very late, Isak.”

“Of course, yes, I’m sorry to bother you.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you know about the number now. But if you want to chat, please use my regular one.”

“Yes. Um. Lise?” She murmured in response. “How is he?”

“He’s fine, I think. Adjusting. I should probably call him soon.” Lise let out a soft laugh that disappeared as quietly as it came. “You should too.”

“I will.”

“Good night, Isak.”

“Good night.”

Lise clicked away and Isak let his phone drop to his lap. He should call Even. He wouldn’t.

* * *

He did. It was another night similar to the one when he had accidentally called Lise, but in August. He was still tipsy and alone in his apartment. He was lying on his bed and staring at the sky, thinking the sun would rise soon from the dim light that played with his vision. But it was just the city radiating from below. He lifted his phone from his chest every so often, staring at his lock screen and tapping open his contacts. It was late in America, but not too late. Maybe he wouldn’t pick up. Maybe he would. Isak didn’t know which result he wanted, but something finally made him tap the phone icon, then immediately twist his face into his pillow. He listened to the ring as if from a distance.

“I wondered when you would call.”

“I tried.”

“I know. Three months is pretty good.”

“Is this too late?”

“Never.”

“Hello.”

“Hi, Isak.”

They talked until Isak fell asleep around 6, right after the sunrise.

* * *

When Isak was offered the research assistant position the first person he called was Mamma. She congratulated him, but reassured him that she knew he’d get it this whole time. “You are so hard-working, and you see things differently. Of course they’d hire you.”

“Mamma.” Isak whined a bit, but smiled as he did so. He was glad the hard work he had put in over the summer was paying off.

“Shall we go out to dinner to celebrate?”

“Tonight?”

“No, Saturday? I know just the place.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to bring something for your apartment, too. I couldn’t resist when I saw it and I think it’ll be great above your television.”

“Okay, thank you.” He was running out of room on his walls, but he had to admit that everything Marianne had brought over thus far fit really well.

Next he called Alex, because he had missed Alex’s call while he was catching up with Marianne.

“I’m having dinner with her on Saturday.”

“Fine, then let’s do Sunday? Better for Lukas anyway.”

“Great.”

“I’m so relieved, Isak. I wasn’t sure where your mind was for a while, but lately you seem to be…back on track.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You were a bit floaty at the beginning of the summer.” Isak could picture the hand motion Alex was making when he called him floaty. “But now you seem more focused.”

“Well I have to be, if I’m going to party every single weekend.”

“While I don’t believe that’s the reason, I’ll certainly take credit for it. I _have_ been keeping your social calendar pretty tight.”

“I’m afraid of what’s going to happen if I ever actually get a boyfriend.”

“Now that’s definitely where I’ve failed you. Even Lukas’s been looking, and you have yet to drag anyone through your door. I mean, not even a blow job in the bathroom!”

Isak sighed. “I guess I haven’t been focusing on everything.”

“Which is fine!” Alex was quick to backtrack. “Maybe you don’t need that right now.”

“Thanks Alex. Better luck this weekend, yes?”

“Yes! Yes. Let’s go to a fancy wine bar and find someone rich for you. You can talk nerdy to them.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Speaking of blow jobs—“

“We weren’t.”

“—I have to go.”

“Good night, Alex.”

Alex clicked away with a trill. Isak checked the time on his phone. He had an alarm set for 11 pm but didn’t trust the clock when it came to his next phone call.

They talked every night now. Isak tried to catch Even after he left work but before Isak fell asleep. It wasn’t a set time; sometimes he called too early and he had to wait for Even to call back. Other times the calls were very short, Isak falling asleep against his phone and Even ending the call when he heard Isak’s heavy breathing. But they had worked up to something regular, yet casual. They shared their days. Isak changed into basketball shorts and took his laptop to bed, settling in for the countdown.

“I have good news!”

They rarely said hello anymore.

“You got the job!”

“Yes!”

“That’s great Isak!”

“I’m technically still an intern for another couple of weeks, but they’re going to transition me to another team, start splitting my hours.”

“Do you know people on the other team?”

“No, I don’t know what I’ll be working on yet. Just the fact that I’m transitioning, instead of doing some of the project wrap-ups that everyone else is.”

“Sounds exciting.”

Isak paused for a moment to realize that it was. He was excited. He felt like he had back at school, right before starting a new term. It was exciting knowing he was about to start something big, that something loomed on the horizon, but that he didn’t know what it was. He was about to learn. “It is.” His voice had gone quiet with the contemplation.

“Well…I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.” Even tried to inject humor into the conversation with a joke leftover from last night’s call. Isak huffed out a small laugh but didn’t pick it up. He was distracted by the reminder that it was almost time to start something new. It was almost September.

Even felt the shift in mood through the phone. “So you’re set for a while, then.”

“Yes.” Isak wouldn’t have to find a new job, or a new apartment, or change much of anything. He could just keep going. September, October, November. But he did want to change one thing.

“How about you?” _Are you set? Are you satisfied? Are you sure you don’t want more? Are you sure you don’t want this?_

“I’m getting there.” Isak didn’t know which question Even was answering. “But I really am glad you’ve achieved this, Isak. Isn’t that what you came to America for? You’ve earned this start to your career.”

“I suppose.”

“Not to stop talking about your excellence, but I’m going to send you something that I need you to explain.”

Isak welcomed the move away from the pointless conversation he ran through his mind at least once a day. He pulled his phone away from his ear to await Even’s text. What came through was a screenshot of…his apartment. Alex had taken a snap of the back of Isak’s head while he was sitting on his couch. The television was off. There were three sad emojis running down the side.

“I got this late last Saturday night. I asked him what was wrong but he hasn’t answered me. Did something happen?”

Isak thought back to that night and placed the photo. They had just returned from the club and were eating pizza slices that they had picked up on the way back. About ten mintues after the photo Isak passed out. Lukas picked up Alex when his shift was done.

“I don’t think anything happened. Just your usual Saturday night.”

“Ohhhhhh.” Even realized something that Isak hadn’t.

“What?”

“You’re not sad, Alex was sad.”

“He was drunk.”

“And he was at your apartment. Which means someone else wasn’t.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. Anyone.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Is he sending you the saga of getting Isak laid?”

“He truly cares.”

“Shit, he might as well be sending those to my mother.”

“I don’t mind.” Then a little softer. “I like seeing you.”

Isak looked at the snap again, feeling a pang of nostalgia. It looked similar to the photos that Even had taken, just showing a little bit of Isak, recognizable only to those who knew him. He wished Even had taken it. He wished Even was sad that he wasn’t at his apartment.

“Isak?” Even’s voice was still quiet. “Are you really not seeing anyone?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.”

“I was hoping you were just being discreet. Maybe Alex wasn’t seeing everything.”

“Nope. He’s seeing it all. The dancing, the group dates, the DMs. He’s setting them up and watching me reject them all.”

“Are you at least considering them?”

“Shit, Even. Of course not. I just do it to pass the time.”

“Pass the time until what?”

“Even!” Isak was getting frustrated because they both knew what he meant. Isak didn’t want to have to say out loud, acknowledge, that he was doing what he wasn’t supposed to be doing.

“I don’t want you waiting for me Isak.”

“Too fucking bad,” he spit out.

He heard Even sigh, and then the distant clatter of his keys as he opened his door. Isak spoke over the noise of Even’s separate life. “I’m going to wait until I can do something else. I’m going to compare every man I see to you until all I see is you. I’m going to think about you because there’s no point in doing anything else.”

“Is this what you meant by fighting?”

“Maybe it is.”

“My life isn’t yours.”

“That doesn’t stop me from wanting it to be.”

“What will?”

Isak hung up on him. He hated when Even tried to push him away, that he was successful in pissing him off. He was angry enough to buy an airplane ticket. He called Even back instead. They both apologized as soon as the line connected.

“Even…what’s so wrong with me wanting you from a distance?”

“Because it makes me want you too.”

“Like you had ever stopped.”

Even’s deep laugh vibrated through the phone and gave Isak goosebumps. He smiled. “You got me there.”

Isak’s frustration took a turn. He rolled over on his bed and groaned into the pillow. “I hate when your voice does that.”

“Does what?”

“Turns me on.”

“Oh?”

“Shut up.” Isak shifted his hips and pressed his groin into the sheets below him. He closed his eyes. He tried to think of something to say that would get Even to keep talking. “Maybe you are right. Maybe I shouldn’t keep calling you. I could go another three months, I think.” He heard Even shuffling, and then a door closing.

“Let’s not be too hasty now. I think this is…good.” More shuffling.

Isak thought he knew what was going on. “Are you alone?”

That’s how his skype sex had always started, even though Isak could see Alex and how naked he was in the screen. It made him a little nervous, and Alex would have to swing his laptop around the room to prove it. Nothing happened until they were alone.

“Would it matter?”

“I’m not taking my dick out until you take yours out.”

Isak was lying. He was already on his knees, shorts shoved halfway down his thighs, harder than he’d been in, well, three months. He cradled his phone in his shoulder and discarded his shorts completely. He glanced briefly at the windows that still did not have curtains but realized that it truly didn’t matter. He could hear Even’s breathing get faster, heavier as he stripped. Where the fuck had Alex put his lube?

“Okay, I’m naked.”

“Are you hard?” Isak dropped his phone and tapped on the speaker.

“Yeah.”

Isak had no idea where Even was, but he imagined a room, a bed, and Even naked on it, legs and arms spread like a starfish. Isak stayed on his knees and closed his eyes. He was on top of Even; he remembered how he felt under him and used his other senses to bring it to life. He listened to Even. He touched himself, one hand on his cock and the other running up and down his thighs. “Stroke yourself.” Even grunted and Isak felt that too. “God I wish I had your dick in my mouth right now.”

Isak’s mouth was hanging open, empty. He gathered as much saliva as he could to lube up his own dick and picked up some speed. Three months of not touching himself, of barely thinking about Even without a t-shirt, were catching up to him. It wouldn’t take long now that they were in sync. He didn’t think he would need to touch his ass, but one hand grabbed at his cheeks, squeezing and kneading the way Even would when he was riding him.

“Get me wet enough for your ass.”

“Yes. Fuck.”

“I bet it’s so tight, not fucking anyone for so long.”

Isak panted. “Waiting for you.” He was humping the air now, up and down. He could hear the slap of skin and wanted it to be his ass on Even’s thighs. “Waiting for that pink dick.”

Even grunted in agreement. “Babe. Ugh. Squeeze my dick.”

“Yeah? You like that?” Isak’s ass clenched in response. “I’m going to squeeze the cum right out of you.”

“Ohhhhh my god.”

Isak tugged himself to the edge, pinching his dick at the tip to buy some time. He wanted to stay in this feeling as long as possible, as long as Even would let him.

“Are you close?” Even managed to get out between shuddering breaths. They had gone quiet with concentration, focusing on the noises they drew out of each other. He had been edging himself too.

“I’m going to come on your chest. Twist your nipples and…mark you with my jizz.”

“Do it. C-come.”

Isak listened to Even, his voice hitching with a sharp inhale. Isak stroked, stroked, then froze as his orgasm shot out onto his sheets. He fell forward, catching himself with his free hand, and listened to Even grunting through his own release. They traded moans and kept each other pumping until it started to hurt.

“Fuuuuuck.” When Isak collapsed to the side, he lifted his leg as if he were actually clearing Even’s body with the move. He wanted to reach out and touch skin, heaving and damp with heat, but all he would get was his own wetness. The disappointment descended, but was wiped away almost as quickly by Even’s voice breaking through.

“I forgot…how good.”

“How could you forget the best?” Isak could see Even next to him, rolling his eyes.

“Forgive me.”

They listened to each other breathing.

“Even?”

“Yes?”

“Can we keep doing this?”

“Can you ask me that again when you haven’t just made me come?”

They both laughed.

“We’ll see,” Even finally answered.

Isak didn’t want to beg but he had nothing left. He picked up his phone and switched off the speaker. He held it to his cheek so he could whisper. “I want you so much.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Isak.”

The click echoed through his apartment and the disappointment continued its descent.

* * *

September arrived with little fanfare. Isak’s internship ended, and he had a quiet send-off with those who weren’t staying with the company, but otherwise he continued his work like before. He learned something new every day, even if it was something as small as how to turn on a particular machine. It was a good environment for him, with projects that kept him interested and motivated, even if he was only watching from afar. Sometimes he skipped his nightly call with Even just so he could get enough sleep for the next day ahead.

Not often, of course, but sometimes. He felt like it was a good move anyway, because he never got a firm answer from Even on how long they’d keep doing this, so the next call was never guaranteed. It gave Even a break in case he needed it, and made the next call feel a little more special. They came back to each other with a little more energy.

And the sex was great, for what it was. It helped Isak with the whole sleeping thing too. It didn’t happen every night either, only when one of them started teasing the other, or—

“Are you jerking off right now?”

“What?”

Isak tried to listen around his own breathing in his ears, but the noises had stopped. He remained suspicious. “It sounded like you were masturbating.”

“You were talking about how the new girl had been fucking up your data sets.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean your hand wasn’t down your pants.”

“I’m…not wearing pants.”

“Even!”

“You sound really cute when you’re being all…angry nerd.”

“Please do not jerk off to data sets.”

“Talk about something else then.”

“So I texted Lise the other day—“

“Fuck you!”

Isak dissolved into a fit of giggles. But then he promised not to do it again. “I swear I won’t. Look I’m getting up to get my lube.” Isak stood up from the couch and looped around to his bedside table. After the first time he had found the lube hiding under the kitchen sink, and soon after that bought a bedside table to rehouse it. He made extra noise opening the drawer so Even could hear.

“Take off your pants.”

He did.

* * *

At the end of September Isak spent an entire weekend helping Alex move into Lukas’s apartment. They had had many conversations leading up to this, going over the pros and cons and wondering if there was any significance to the day that Lukas had asked him. Alex was nervous to leave his roommates but admitted that he practically lived at Lukas’s anyway. “I know I’m never home, but just knowing that I have some place to go back to, other people to see, is a comfort. If something happens I have somewhere to run to.”

“Has anything ever happened?”

“No.”

“Do you think something will?”

“No.”

“Then….”

Alex let out a little whimper.

“Look, you can always come to my place if you need to run away. I don’t think you will, but my door is always open.”

With some extra reassurance Alex enthusiastically accepted Lukas’s proposal and packed up his room. Most of his clothes were already at his new apartment, but they packed up his share of the kitchen, broke down a bookcase, and filled an entire box with his beauty regimen. Alex made a bad joke about all of his baggage about five times, so Isak tried to keep his nerves in check.

“You really should have moved in right at the start. He has so many cabinets for all of your shit!” Isak was unpacking Alex’s toiletries and trying to think of a good place to hide his lube in retaliation.

Alex responded from down the hallway. “He didn’t even need to make space for me! It’s just been this empty the whole time.”

Isak dropped the lube down the cardboard center of a paper towel roll under the sink, then walked down the hallway to find Alex in the bedroom. “Aww, he’s been waiting for you to fill it up.”

“Fill him up,” Alex muttered, unable to resist the dirty joke. Isak chucked a pillow at Alex’s head.

“Shit! Don’t mess up his room. I don’t want him regretting this as soon as he gets home.”

“Are you going to cook dinner for him too?”

“Like this bitch knows how to cook.”

They finished unpacking and Alex gave him a rather complicated tutorial on how Lukas’s whole entertainment console worked. When Lukas came home he had a bottle of champagne in hand. They ordered pizza and toasted to Alex and Lukas being almost too happy for Isak to bear.

* * *

“I think it’s safe to say he’s moved on.”

“You didn’t think he had, like…back in June?”

“I don’t know. It always felt a little too cute. Like, how did he manage to find someone with two careers and a beautiful apartment and enough time to cook for him?”

“Maybe it’s karma.”

“Eh?”

“He spent almost two years with you on _skype_. The universe owed him one.”

“Excuse me, I am wonderful on skype.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“We should try it sometime.”

Isak heard Even’s pause, and the sound of traffic around him, other people’s conversations that were moving smoother than their own. So far they had kept to just phone calls. Isak hadn’t seen Even’s face since he said goodbye to it at the tower.

He brushed past the pause. “Anyway, it’s a goddamn happy ending.”

“Good for them.”

“Yes.”

They walked down their respective streets, listening to their cities. Even worked in a café now, landing a barista job soon after his jaunt as a receptionist was done. He had developed (or discovered) a knack for small talk, chatting up clients while they waited, and it served him well as he brewed coffees and teas for customers. Isak bet he was borderline flirting with the kind of tips he was raking in, but Even swore against it. Anyway, their days were better coordinated now, with Even heading into work as Isak was leaving his.

“Hey. You know that guy with the weird hat that you said came in every day? I think I just saw the same hat on someone just now.” Isak twisted back as he was walking, trying to get a confirming glimpse.

“Oh? The red one with the things flying off of it?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a coincidence.”

“Weird. Though this is Oslo, so….”

“Yeah, probably weirder that I saw him first.”

“The _weirdest_ thing is that whoever designed the hat managed to sell two of them.”

“I’m taking this as a sign.”

“A sign for what?” Isak reached his apartment but stayed out on the sidewalk to finish their conversation.

“I don’t know. Something good. Something I’ve been looking for.”

“Well I’m glad you’ve found something positive in that hat.”

“That’s the spirit! Okay, I have to go in now. I think…I think I’ll try to call you on my break.”

“Sure.”

“Talk soon.”

“Bye.”

They went inside.

* * *

A little after 21 Even called. “Did you see the hat again?”

“I…did.” Even sounded like he was out of breath.

“You’re going to have bad luck if you don’t see it every day now.”

“Don’t say that. The hat is good luck only.”

“Fine.” Isak chewed on his lip, debating whether he should say something. He had been thinking, while he was making dinner and eating in front of his laptop, about looking a little further into the future. While he could say that he was happy now, he still had that itch for something more, and he made an impulse decision. Well, as much as a savings account could be considered an impulse. He opened one online and deposited the required minimum balance. He labeled the account “Even” and set a savings goal. He didn’t know what it was for, but he knew it was for something, and that was what was important. It got him excited, excited enough to share it. “So….”

It sounded like Even was running.

“What if…in a few months…I came for a visit?”

It sounded like Even stopped.

“To America?”

“Yes. Maybe for the holidays?” His account would reach its goal by the end of November, if airline prices stayed steady and he didn’t have any emergencies to take care of. Finally calling off Alex’s set-ups had been key to building up his cushion.

“I don’t…I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” The footsteps resumed.

Isak felt a fissure form in his heart. He let himself sink further down on the couch. “So we’ll just call keep calling each other? Until death do us part?”

“What’s going on Isak?”

“I don’t know. The hat. It was a sign. Something connecting us. Something stronger than just calling you every day across the ocean. I couldn’t make something happen in September, but now I think we should try for something soon. I’m settled, you’re settled. It wouldn’t be a big change, I just want to see your face again.”

“You know it wouldn’t be enough, Isak. Phone calls are okay, but a visit would just start an avalanche.”

“Then let’s start a fucking avalanche!” Isak stood up, his frustration turning into adrenaline coursing through his veins. Even spoke to someone else, saying thank you to whoever held open a door for him. When he spoke next he could hear how the echo of a hallway changed his voice.

“Do you really think we could do this?” A challenge.

“Yes.”

“You think you could live with me? All of me? The highs and the lows and the unknowns and the…whatever? Isak, there’s so much of me that your science cannot answer for. There’s so much that you haven’t seen yet.” Even was breathless.

Isak gasped. “Even, that’s the whole point. Why can’t you let me love you? Why can't I see it all?”

“Because it hurts.”

“Well, _this_ hurts too. This is fucking bullshit.” Isak wanted to punch something so he walked to his bed and slapped at his pillow. He walked away, then walked back and punched it again. “I love you Even, and I respect you, but I also…I can’t ignore my own feelings much longer. You don’t have to love yourself but I _do_. I’m going to fly over in December and….and you’ll just have to reject me to my face, if you truly believe this isn’t going to work.”

“You can’t do that, Isak.”

“Why not? It’s our only option. I refuse to accept just having you on my phone. We can do it. We can be together.”

“No, I mean you can’t come here. Because….”

Isak stopped pacing. He heard it through the phone with one ear, and at his door with the other. He turned and stared. “Even? Are you—? Did you just knock four times?”

* * *

He would have fallen down if he weren’t still holding onto the doorknob. Isak felt his organs, his bones, his blood, everything, just sink to the ground with the impossible weight of what his mind could only comprehend as a miracle.

Even.

“What?” Isak breathed.

Even hung up the call and slid his phone into his pocket. “Hi.”

Isak reached out, extending his arm completely before he realized he needed to move his legs too, to close the gap. He managed that, and pressed a palm to Even’s chest. “What,” he breathed again.

“Can I come in? I need to charge my phone.” A small smile flicked at the corner of Even’s mouth. 

Isak’s palm closed into a fist, taking Even’s shirt with it, and he stepped, dragged, backward. Isak had to trap him before he turned disappeared, as if a door could stop a ghost. The slam was the only sound between them. And then he started crying, silent tears pouring out of him because he was too overwhelmed to express anything else.

“No no no no, don’t, Isak.” Even leaned in and kissed at Isak’s tears, then gathered the rest of his body into his arms. “Isak, please.”

But that voice, so close, what he thought he could feel through the phone but now actually felt against his skin, it took him down at the knees. He lost his grip on Even’s shirt and his weight went dead. Even hefted him toward the nearest surface, the bed. When he went down, Even went with him.

Even tried again. “Hi.”

“You’re here.”

“I’m here.”

Isak pawed at Even’s face as he recovered gross motor skills. He finally began to process it all. Even’s skin, darker from the last of the summer sun. His hair, softer and shorter, swept to the side instead of up in its old pompadour. His smile, the same. Isak dragged his fingers across those lips, and they puckered against the tips. Even was here.

“I’m sorry it took so long. But I was so scared. And I…I needed that sign.”

The hat. The hat drew everything back into focus and form. Isak’s hands pressed Even away, at his cheek and neck, giving himself space to sit up. “Are you telling me…there’s only one hat?”

Oh god that laugh. Even fell backward, rolling away from Isak. He rolled back quickly though, knowing that this was not the time for distance. He cupped Isak’s face in his hands. “I see that hat every day at the café. You finally saw it too. Another couple of weeks and you probably would’ve seen me too.”

Isak mentally worked backward through September. “Have you been here for a month?”

“I’ve been here for a month.”

“Where?!”

“I stayed with my grandmother for a little bit, and then Lise got an apartment for me. Well, for herself, but she’s letting me stay there. On the west side.”

“Are you…are you saying…this whole time, I’ve been jerking off into a towel while you’ve literally been on the other side of the city?!” Isak shoved Even away, scrambling to a sitting position at the same time.

“I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that this is what’s pissing you off.”

“I don’t know either.” Isak’s faux anger dissipated in seconds, in the time it took for him to realize, again, that Even was here. Right here in front of him. Leaning back on his elbows in a deceptively casual style, looking up at Isak.

Neither of them spoke, so Even took the pause to shift himself into a position to match Isak’s, so he could look at him head on. “I listened, Isak. I fought. I learned how to care for myself on my own, in America. I learned how to miss you. I figured out who I was, and then I figured out what I needed to become who I wanted to be. That took time. It’s still taking time. But those three months were crucial.” Isak reached out and gathered Even’s hands in his own. He had to let Even speak, but he also had to touch him. He needed the proof. “When I was ready to move here, to follow you, I needed to start that process all over again.

“Because if…if I can’t control myself, then I need to control everything else. My surroundings. I needed to have my safety net firmly in place. I needed to know if I could stay here, first of all, what it would take to regain citizenship. To be honest I’m still a little confused about it, but we’re working on the residency and tax stuff now. We found a therapist here for me. We transferred my prescriptions. I found a job, a schedule that I could handle. I’m taking a Norwegian class once a week. I learned how to sleep in a new city. Everything else had to be as controlled as possible before I introduced another variable.”

Isak had to interrupt. “Are you talking nerdy to me?”

“I told you I listened.”

Isak clutched their hands to his heart and let his head fall back in a swoon. When he returned, a smile stretching his face, Even resumed.

“I was so scared to call you, to let you in. You turned my world upside down when I first met you, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it again. If you could handle it again. But when I looked around at everything moving along so smoothly, I thought…maybe now. Maybe. Maybe, if I got a sign.”

“You got a sign.”

“I got a sign. Or, you got the sign. And then I got the sign. And now I’m here. And now…you have to love me.” The fear crept back into his voice at the end. It was still a question. Even listened, but sometimes he still had trouble believing. So he still had to ask, “Do you love me?” and, to be safe, wrap it up inside a joke.

“I have to love you? I have to do the thing I’ve been doing every day since March? The thing I don’t know how to NOT do anymore? Jesus Even, that’s a little demanding, don’t you think?” Isak tried to joke back, but quickly understood that yes, Even thought it was demanding. It wasn’t a joke. He thought love was too much to ask for. 

So Isak made sure to give it freely.

So Even would never have to ask.

“I have to. I will. I do.”

* * *

Isak had set his alarms for work, per usual, but decided as soon as he was awake that he had to take a sick day. He had to stay in bed. He emailed his supervisor and promised a full recovery by Monday. He didn’t bother to check for their response.

“Oh shit. Do you have to work today?” Isak whispered to the body next to him. He received a half-conscious grunt in return. “I just called in sick.”

“If you let me charge my phone, I’ll do the same.” Even didn’t move, so Isak reached over his side to grab his phone and transfer the charger cord. The screen flashed to life.

“I thought you were joking about that, like making a reference to when we first met.”

“I was, but it was also true. Our phone calls really kill my battery.” More awake now, Even twisted to his other side to face Isak.

They watched each other, doing nothing, until Even’s phone sucked up enough electricity to unlock. He messaged his own boss that he wasn’t feeling well, and asked if he had someone to cover for him.

_Is that why you ran out of here so fast yesterday?_

_Yeah, I thought I was going to throw up._

_Don’t come back until you’re in the clear._

“Honesty really is the best policy.”

“You were going to throw up?”

“I could barely breathe, I was so nervous.”

“Aww, that’s kind of cute.”

“You say that now, now that I’ve made it back into your bed, but fuck…it was rough.”

“I’m sorry it was so stressful but yes, you’ve made it back into my bed. And you’re not leaving for at _least_ 24 more hours.” Isak rolled his body into Even’s, connecting in all the right places: lips, chest, hands, hips. He trapped him with his lips, his chest, his hands, his hips, the torture of touch, exactly what Even had learned to miss. But Isak made sure Even knew it was all right there, waiting for him. In the same country, in the same city, in the same bed.

* * *

Isak knocked on the bathroom door, then opened it to stick his head in. “Are you free on Sunday afternoon?”

“Yes,” Even shouted over the noise of the shower. “Why?”

“Dinner with Mamma.” 

He extended a thumbs-up over his head, nearly bumping the ceiling. Isak returned to his phone in the kitchen, where Marianne was on hold.

“Can I come out on Sunday?”

“That’s perfect. I found some curtains for you too, so bring your backpack, or something to carry them back in.”

“Sure. Um.” Isak gathered a breath. “I also have something to show you.”

_My pride. My love. My world._

Mamma smiled. “I can’t wait to meet him.”


End file.
